Creating a safe place to share

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Creating a safe place to share

Postby SeekingChange » Mon May 29, 2017 1:58 pm

Creating a Safe Place for Your Husband to Share About Porn

I thought this was an excellent article that would benefit many marriages. Although this is addressed to wives, and specifically about porn, this concept is applicable to both and for more things than porn.

Most men hate struggling with porn and the last thing they want to do is hurt their wife. Men usually test the waters to find out if it is safe to share. If disclosure to a wife is met with disgust, or “how could you do this to me?”communication comes to a screeching halt. As hard as this sounds, the more we can offer grace to our husband, the more likely we are to get the whole story.

I know for myself, I am very observant and I watch how my husband responds to certain situations and what his opinion is on it, and that's a "testing of the waters", and that determines to me what struggles are "safe" to share with him or not. It only makes sense how he would do the same.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Creating a safe place to share

Postby doug-h » Mon May 29, 2017 3:27 pm

That is a good article, and applies to a lot more than sexual sin. It definitely applies to my marriage in my struggle with my temper. As I have done better, my wife shows a lot more grace when I do slip, and we are able to talk about it to some extent. It helps that it is not a battle that I have tonight by myself,

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Re: Creating a safe place to share

Postby ShaunTheSalvo » Mon May 29, 2017 3:36 pm

I'm a man who has this exact situation. I've been struggling with porn for years. I have never told my wife, I wouldn't feel comfortable in telling her, as I fear she would not take it well (not that she should have to take it well really - in viewing porn I'm sinning, I'm cheating on her, I'm lusting for other women and thereby committing adultery in my heart) - so she'd really have every right to be angry.
However, I read in a Christian marriage book some time ago that women feel they should be able to freely share with their husband about any struggles they may have - eg hormone issues, weight control, or whatever the key issue or struggle the wife has. For many men, the biggest struggle they have in life (myself included) is porn use and porn addiction
I hate myself for using porn, every single time I commit this sin I feel guilty and dirty, and find myself begging God for forgiveness - again.
Can I also share that I have a male accountability partner who is a very good and trusted friend - probably my closest and most trusted friend at the moment. He often checks up on me (as I've requested) to see how I'm doing in this area.
The other day after church, he caught up with me and asked me a very challenging question. "Why are you still struggling with this sin?" That got me thinking - if Jesus has set us free as He said in His Word that He has, why are we still struggling with this sin??? Why is it so hard to break free? Why doesn't Jesus just set me free?
I confess I felt more discouraged and condemned than helped by his question, but he does have a good point.
Anyway, I think a lot of wives may not truly comprehend what it is like for a man who is struggling with porn. It disgusts the wife, and rightly so. However, condemning words never help anyone. It can make you feel like you have no hope, and there is no way out - it's all your fault and that can really weigh on you in guilt and condemnation. That's rarely (if ever) the wife's intention, but that's what can happen.
If a husband said to his wife who was struggling with weight issues: "Well if you'd stop eating all that junk food, the problem would be solved!" - well, World War 3 would break out in a moment. Yet that's how some people try to "help" porn addicts. I had a pastor years ago tell me "Well brother, you've just got to stop it." Thanks that was super helpful - NOT!

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