Struggling again....with a twist

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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TJC
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Struggling again....with a twist

Postby TJC » Mon Jun 19, 2017 5:32 am

Pardon me if this doesn't come out very coherently, my thoughts are all over the place right now, and just want to put those thoughts out there. Not really asking for advice, but comments are welcome.
First with regard to my marriage and sex, even though actual sex for DW has been better for her, since her surgery,it has not translated into more frequency or desire on her part. Not an excuse, just a fact. This has led to less desire,for intimacy with her, on my part, and resignation that this is how it's going to be.
In times past, I would have resorted to porn use to replace intimacy with DW, for whatever ever reason or excuse I might have at the time. However, I'm finding now that it does nothing for me anymore, at least to some degree. I seem to be drawn to the idea of sex and porn as a substitute, but actual arousal for either is low to nonexistent. My thought is in the case of actual sex, it's just giving up on it. As for the porn, it's more painful than anything to see or read of others enjoying something I'll never have.
On the other hand it could be stress (things have been extremely stressful at work), or exhaustion,as Dw comments regularly i do not sleep nearly enough. Normally I sleep somewhere between 4-6 hours a night, and am currently working a 9-10 our day with sometimes no breaks, or one just to stop and eat something.
My faith is very weak right now, depression is setting in. I'm just so tired, of my life, lack of interest and drive to do anything other than just hold serve as they say. I don't want to go backwards or away form Jesus, but have no will to move forward on any front. What a pathetic loser huh? I hate myself, I hate what I've become.
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16

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SeekingChange
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Re: Struggling again....with a twist

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Jun 19, 2017 6:35 am

Praying for you. Keep persevering even if you don't feel it. Read the Word and keep praying even if you feel all is silent... you will get through this if you don't succumb. This weekend I heard this statement, "We don't fight for victory we fight from it." The victory is ours in Christ Jesus, it's promised and guaranteed, fight from that knowing it's yours.

Be in fellowship with someone, whether one or many, in the Body of Christ, this is what we are for, to walk through this with you, encouraging you and praying for you so you may be healed. (James 5) If you can't face to face, do it on here.

Though our situations are not the same, I can understand your struggle and your fight. I, too, am in a current fight to stay in a proper balance so that I don't fall over the edge of complete detachment, numbness, and no longer caring. I have been in the midst of this fight for 16 months..so far I have not fallen :D , stumbling yes, but in this time, there were specific times I knew I was barely hanging on after a stumble, and I was having trouble getting back up on my feet, on my own. That's when I would reach out to a handful of trusted friends, sisters and brothers, many here, and ask for specific prayer, and almost immediately, within hours at the most, I could feel a weight being lifted that I had been carrying for weeks, and I could stand. To be honest, I am in one of those times again, and I just started reaching out yesterday to start asking for prayer again. I invite you to pray for me as you pray for yourself...I am heading "home" for a couple of weeks, without my two largest heart troubles, my husband and oldest son. I need this separation from the current situations...so timing is perfect for a family reunion and the 4th. I need my mom's love and care and the truths and faith she speaks and lives. I need the laughter and listening ear of my sister, my friend. I have been seeing that my love for others is slipping, starting at home and moving to the church and outwards. I am praying that the Lord will use this time to renew that love back in me and that I can return with fresh eyes and a rejuvenated heart, for my marriage, for my son's situation and for our ministry. I have grown weary in the past 16 months....there's been an all out spiritual assault on us since the beginning of this year, because of what God is doing with where he is moving our church. .

I will keep you in my prayers, as I am seeking Him for my own situation, over the next month.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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tjw
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Re: Struggling again....with a twist

Postby tjw » Tue Jun 20, 2017 3:07 am

It's a familiar "place", the one you describe... SeekingChange has given you her "antidote" from this depression we all endure from time to time. Personally, I've come to regard it of one of the "seasons" of Ecclesiastes, God calling us to rest, and calling His encouragers to "circle the wagons" and deliver....

Being a total introvert, I need the exact opposite from the scenario SeekingChange describes. I need my "prayer closet" and to have no interaction with others for a while..... just to get apart with me and my Lord (and, He understands, I can't even interact with Him too much) but He knows just how to "speak" to me..... others don't. They mean well, but I have to expend too much energy that I don't have to socialize.

Good expository preaching from the radio is an introvert's paradise.....

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SeekingChange
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Re: Struggling again....with a twist

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jun 20, 2017 7:36 am

This has nothing to do with the OP, but tjw your post made me laugh, I am 100% introvert. I handle most things on my own. I am "the strong one", "the backbone", "the stable one"... I trust very little, and that keeps others a fair distance away from anything truly personal going on within me. But God has shown me the need for others. There's a reason we are told to "confess our sins to one another, and pray for one another so that you may be healed" (Jam. 5:16). So, He showed me that I need to quit being a lone ranger all of the time, and that's why I suggested using TMB, because it's also an introverts paradise :mrgreen:
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

My Story

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TJC
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Re: Struggling again....with a twist

Postby TJC » Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:52 am

If you guys are 100% introverts, I'm a 125% introvert, which is a lot of why I'm here. IRL I have NO close friends, even though I'm friendly with everyone, if they will allow me. My wife is my only true confidant, and person I trust with (almost) everything.
BTW things are better today, even though I still feel drained both emotionally and spritually. My past and present sin just get me by the throat sometimes and when combined with the ongoing saga of the stress at work, and MY discontent sexually (DW is quite content) it becomes overwhelming at times. Time to cowboy up, and do what I gotta do. 8)
This is my beloved and this is my friend. Song of Solomon 5:16


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