Going through this all over again.

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
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Dandelion_lawn
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Going through this all over again.

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Tue Jun 27, 2017 8:46 am

I was looking forward to the one year mark passing since finding out about my husband's porn use for our whole marriage. I had hoped that milestone passing would begin some new hope and healing. He is okay with me looking at his phone history whenever I want to, and it usually helps to calm and reassure me. In the past few months, I'd seen where several times he'd clicked on the profiles of attractive young women, but thought he might have his reasons, and they weren't inappropriate at all, just pretty. Then I found a bikini site he'd been looking at, so I confronted him. Turns out that three or four months ago, he found a porn mag at a building he was renovating, and he kept it for himself and has been looking at it often. He found that doing that made him want to see more, so he was ogling women on facebook and in real life more than usual.
I used to have his phone locked so that he couldn't use private browsing or delete his history, but I unlocked it. I don't want to be the one trying to control this. My natural feeling is to try to control whatever I can to at least feel a little bit safe, so this feels really scary to me.
The good is that he admitted this to me, and that now he realizes that porn has a much stronger pull than he had thought before, and that he didn't go out looking for porn, it found him.
The bad is that although he'd promised me many times that he would tell me if he slipped up, he didn't tell me about this for months. He also has no plan for how he'll avoid this...obviously he can't plan to not accidentally find a magazine, but he is still on Facebook every day, he hasn't found anyone to partner with to re-lock his phone, he hasn't looked for any materials on porn addiction to educate himself...I don't even know specifically what I want to see, but I want something to give me hope. He just says he hopes that it doesn't happen again.

doug-h
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Re: Going through this all over again.

Postby doug-h » Tue Jun 27, 2017 8:51 am

I'm sorry that happened. I wish I had some words that would help take away the hurt. You said he didn't have a plan moving forward. What are you doing for yourself and your own healing?

Will be praying for you both.

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Dandelion_lawn
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Re: Going through this all over again.

Postby Dandelion_lawn » Tue Jun 27, 2017 9:48 am

Thanks Doug. The main thing I'm doing is really trying to figure out how to make God my main comfort and desire. I thought I had that, all of the other hard things in my life brought me closer to God and I actively felt his comfort. This thing totally broke me. I have had such a hard time believing that God loves me, or women in general. God made men so visually stimulated and not naturally monogamous, and so many women in the bible have to share their husbands with others. The 'do not lust' verses could just as easily be interpreted as not looking at another man's property rather than caring about women as people. I know it's wrong, and that God is loving and good to each of us, so I'm being much more intentional in my bible reading to seek that out and remember it.
I'm reading a good book about how to find our identity in Christ and not in our circumstances. I have confided this situation to one friend, and she gives good comfort and counsel when I need it. I have also applied for a job so that I can have a physical identity apart from being just his wife, the mother of his children and the keeper of his home. This one is kind of scary because it feels like I'm pulling away from him and preparing for the worst, and I guess that's because it's true.

ItsJustUs
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Re: Going through this all over again.

Postby ItsJustUs » Tue Jun 27, 2017 2:24 pm

Sorry you're going through this. Be encouraged that God does love you and women in general. Look at how Jesus dealt with the women he came across. He loved them, from the woman with uncontrollable bleeding to the woman at the well to his own mother.

That men may struggle with sexual sin isn't because God doesn't love women. It's a result of Adam's sin.

"For God so loved the world..." includes you!

tjw
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Re: Going through this all over again.

Postby tjw » Thu Jun 29, 2017 5:57 am

Dandelion_lawn wrote:This one is kind of scary because it feels like I'm pulling away from him and preparing for the worst, and I guess that's because it's true.


"Preparing for the worst" is a great confidence-builder and most often results in a better, not worse, relationship. Good for you !


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