Are we going to be ok?

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...
HisLady12
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Are we going to be ok?

Postby HisLady12 » Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:45 am

I never thought I’d be posting here, but I’m sure that happens a lot. A little background...my husband and I have been married 5 1/2 years. We were both conservative Christian homeschoolers and went through a chaperoned courtship. We have an amazing marriage and an incredible sex life. We like each other a whole lot, and we show each other...a whole lot. :wink:

We’ve had a stressful six months...just a lot on our plate, not between us, just life in general. One thing on top of another. Hubby got sick a couple weeks ago and was down for 10 days. He tends to be a pessimist and he was really sick without really knowing what was going on, and he thought he was going to die. We went to a chiropractor once during that time and he addressed the possibility of the sickness being anxiety related, and spoke to hubby about how he felt like anxiety was always rooted in something and that prayer about the root helped him. Hubby didn’t say much and was quiet the rest of that day.

A couple days later (still sick but mostly feeling better) hubby sat down and told me that what the chiropractor said hit him hard. He told me he’d seen bad stuff before we got married. I had that punched in the stomach feeling as I thought my whole world was crumbling. He cried to me, completely broken, telling me how he didn’t tell me before because he thought I wouldn’t marry him. He said he didn’t want things to change between us and he was terrified it would. He begged me not to leave him. I asked him some questions...if it was an ongoing thing before we married. He said yes, he’d seen it a few times. I asked about since we got married...he said never intentionally. He said stuff would pop up online but he never tried to see it.

I cried about it then, and a couple times since. I went to take a shower that night and just sat in the floor and cried. Not so much about him, but the sin that is so rampant everywhere, and the fact that it touched us and our perfect life. When I got back to him in our bed he looked me deep in the eyes and told me how much he loved me. I was trying to be ok, but he looked at me and told me it was ok to be mad and ok to cry. So I did, long and hard, and he laid on my chest and held me and told me he was heartbroken.

We both have smart phones but a long time ago, he had me key in a filter code on his and he doesn’t know what it is. We don’t have computers and we just watch tv together in the evenings. If anything inappropriate comes on, I’ve watched him avert his eyes. If he isn’t at work, we’re together. My question is, is there anything for me to be worried about?

We have been closer in the last several days than we have since we’ve been married. He tells me how pretty I am and how lucky he is, he tells me he loves me multiple times a day. He randomly kisses me. He isn’t emotional, but he tears up and tells me he feels like he loves me even more now. I trust him, completely. I don’t think he’s ever lied to me, and I don’t think he will. I’m honestly not upset with him and I love him so very much. If anything, I’m selfconcious that I don’t look like “that” but he assured me that I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He truly does treat me like his queen.

Just...please tell me we’re going to be ok. And thanks for listening.

Twue_Wuv
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby Twue_Wuv » Thu Mar 15, 2018 12:59 pm

You're going to be ok. Just stay strong in the faith.

love2
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby love2 » Thu Mar 15, 2018 5:57 pm

You are going to be ok. You might want to let you husband know that if he is tempted either porn or real life that he can always come and talk to you and that you will be there for him.

If it ever turns into ongoing issue of looking at porn or a in real life temptation then you might want to look at getting a third party involved like a counselor or a pastor for support. However, I think him feeling like he can talk to you is important.

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tjw
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby tjw » Thu Mar 15, 2018 6:56 pm

HisLady12 wrote: I’m selfconcious that I don’t look like “that” but he assured me that I’m the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen.


You are most definitely going to be ok.

One thing you can take solace in is that the allure of porn, to many men, is not the women's looks. Porn is "Superman". Porn attracts them because it invokes a fantasy that the man himself has big equipment, that he is strikingly attractive, has completely unrealistic abilities, and the women want him.

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SquarePants
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby SquarePants » Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:07 pm

Don’t over think it. It sounds like he’s a good man who adores you. We are all imperfect and have behaved imperfectly in the past. Forgive and celebrate the present and your future together.

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Job29Man
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby Job29Man » Thu Mar 15, 2018 8:31 pm

Dear Hislady12,

It sounds to me like your husband sinned in the past, but has a conscience that won't let him get away with it, so he confessed all.
This is really good, healthy, and godly, like King David.

If this is all there is, I think you'll be OK.

Job
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

neilethere
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby neilethere » Thu Mar 15, 2018 11:32 pm

HisLady12,

I often see things very differently to other people on this site, so take what I am about to say with a grain of salt.

I know this is only three words in your long post

HisLady12 wrote: our perfect life


but - from my perspective - if you believe this you are already in trouble, just different trouble to what you shared. And if your husband is begging you not to leave him because he saw a few pop up things he shouldn't have seen - assuming he is telling the truth and I kinda don't only because I have never had anything pop up on my computer that I didn't already go looking for myself -prior to marriage then that would tend to reinforce my concerns.

I will be delighted if I am wrong.

HisLady12
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby HisLady12 » Fri Mar 16, 2018 5:01 am

Thanks so much for all the input. He is a good man, and he does adore me. He’s never let me feel otherwise.

When he says “popped up” he refers to looking on YouTube at music videos and the covers of some of them being half naked women. Or searching for movies to watch on YouTube...we’ve done that together before and I’ve seen the awful things that can come up. Or he used to look at my Pinterest sometimes, but where I looked up workouts sometimes, scantily clad women would show up. I didn’t think that much about it, but he said he quit looking at my Pinterest (on my phone) because of it. He took his YouTube app off and He replaced the internet browser on his phone with a safe one and it won’t even let him look up medical terms sometimes.

He’s been praying hard about it, for forgiveness. We talked about it and re-evaluated what we watch. Begging me not to leave came out of nowhere...I’ve never considered it in the least, and I haven’t now. We’re in this together. I’ve read so much about men and their desires and struggles, I feel like I need to help him fight this, not like I’m disappointed or mad at him for falling years ago, if that makes any sense.

Ha...our life isn’t perfect, but it’s perfect for us. I just feel like we have a really good thing going and I don’t want anything to mess that up. We’re madly in love, have (really great) sex every night or two, sneak in afternoon “naps” while the kids watch cartoons, flirt non stop, we do everything together and love it.

Twue_Wuv
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby Twue_Wuv » Fri Mar 16, 2018 5:28 am

He definitely appears to be on the right path with the steps he's taken so far. Keep supporting him and show your trust in him.

iamthewalrus
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Re: Are we going to be ok?

Postby iamthewalrus » Thu Mar 22, 2018 8:22 am

Marriage is a parallel relationship to your relationship with God. You promise to husband/wife and God - for richer or poorer, to love, forever, to know, to forgive.

You can imitate God by knowing your husband, loving him and forgiving him.

Give him a hug and say, I heard you, I love you, I forgive you and sin no more.

Sounds like you've got a good husband and he's a lucky guy!

Walrus


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