Married men and porn

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...

Men - in the last 3 months, have you willingly sought or viewed porn?

I have not viewed any porn.
205
18%
I have slipped a few times. My wife knows.
132
12%
I have slipped a few times. My wife does not know.
207
18%
I have slipped many times. My wife knows.
106
9%
I have slipped many times. My wife does not know.
148
13%
I am addicted. My wife knows.
97
9%
I am addicted. My wife does not know.
68
6%
I look at porn, but I don't think it's wrong. My wife knows.
50
4%
I look at porn, but I don't think it's wrong. My wife does not know.
33
3%
My wife and I look at it together occasionally.
62
5%
My wife and I look at it together regularly.
23
2%
 
Total votes: 1131

User avatar
Paul B
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 2067
Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2004 5:10 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 27th, 1985
Gender: Male
Location: The Inland Empire - north of Spokane, south of Canada
Contact:

Married men and porn

Postby Paul B » Sat Jul 17, 2004 8:17 pm


Okay, with 21 votes, if we exclude those who have not viewed porn in three months, and the one who does not feel it's a sin, we find that 68% have viewed porn despite thinking they should not. More over, 51% have done this without their wife knowing about it.

Thanks for the honesty guys, and for the shocking look at the subject.

<>< Paul

BigFeet

Postby BigFeet » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:47 am

My W and I talked about this subject. I used to use porn to meet my
needs when she rejected me.

She viewed porn as a form of cheating. I finally saw it the way she did.
i would not say it was on the same scale as her physical affair but I now
do see it as wrong.

Last week I let her watch as I removed all the porn from my computer.
She was very moved by it.

Shulamite-in-Training

Postby Shulamite-in-Training » Tue Sep 28, 2004 9:04 am

It sounds like you two are both moving in the right direction!

BigFeet

Postby BigFeet » Thu Sep 30, 2004 1:14 pm

Well I discovered I still have pretty good imagination. I just replay
the videos of all the crazy places we made love before we got married
and had kids. (the good ol' days :) )

I feel pretty good about this step and it does seem to be meaningful
to my DW.

happy

When Do I Fully Trust Again?

Postby happy » Mon Nov 15, 2004 9:13 pm

OK this is a question for you quys out there. I need an honesy answer.

My husband has had problems with porn all of our married lives (8 years) and before that too.

We have talked and prayed about it for years. The last few times I have found out about it and it really devestated me. We worked through it and he as not done it for 3 months. I take away most opportunites and check behind him when I am gone for the evening (which is not often) I hesitate to leave him alone in the house and I always feel like I need to check behind him. THis is because he has never just come out and told me that he Slipped and did it again. I always found out about it.

OK here is my question. When can I trust him again. When do I stop checking the satalite bill, etc.??

Made4Charolette

Postby Made4Charolette » Thu Nov 18, 2004 10:55 am

When can you trust him again? Honestly, never.

However, you may gain more ground by deciding to trust him openly. Checking behind him may only encourage him to devise ways to hide it better. You may have parental and/or accountability controls on the computer, but there are ways to defeat them. I know, I've found them (hint-take administrative control/password on your XP or 2000 comptuer). There are also nooks and crannies in your house, garage, or shed that are well hidden among other places you'd never think to check. I've found them too.

But, God encourages us to love and forgive one another as He does us. And doing so is much more freeing for us at the times we are tempted to go back to our old self. When I am free of my wife's impending judgement I feel safe to admit to her that I'm tempted to look at porn and openly discuss why. I am also more free to resist the temptation. On the other hand when I sense that she's suspiciously checking up on me, I have a greater propensity to sin. It's an act of rebellion.

This is a prayerful move that you make together. You are not turning a blind eye or forgetting where you stumbled - he's still accountable for his actions as with any sin. Rather, you're taking a step in your marriage to further become the husband and wife that God intends for you to be. This is a great act of humility on your own part. Pray together and put the issue where it belongs, at the foot of the cross. He needs to do the same for his own sin.

I confess my sin and ask to be released of it. Then, I ask Him to erase the images that are seered in my mind and to empty my self to Him so He can fill me with the Holy Spirit. Essentially, I turn over my will to Him and ask Him to lead me to becoming the man (husband, father, friend, witness) that he intends me to be. This should be at least a daily prayer. Through this I have seen great blessings that I never would have otherwise.

There is a book that I encourage called The Calvary Road by Ron Hession. It's been around for some time. It doesn't talk at all about porn, but encourages us to turn our sin and our lives over to Christ fully. It has springboarded me into a greater awareness of who God wants me to be and of how He sees others around me.

Conrad

Postby Conrad » Thu Nov 18, 2004 11:54 am

You didn't have an option for "Not in the last 3 months..."

I have recently found a big dose of victory over this - the last 3 months have been pretty much porn free (only unintentional porn - where you don't know what it is until you open it kind of thing). I have been largely porn free since January, with slippage here and there until about July.

User avatar
Paul B
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 2067
Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2004 5:10 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 27th, 1985
Gender: Male
Location: The Inland Empire - north of Spokane, south of Canada
Contact:

Postby Paul B » Thu Nov 18, 2004 7:00 pm

mrcheevus wrote:You didn't have an option for "Not in the last 3 months..."

Actually it does - the whole thing is based on "In the last 3 months, have you willingly viewed porn ..." The reason for 3 months is that anyone who stops and stays free for that long is probably going to stay free. Fear or raw determination may get a guy off for a month or two, but without a real heart change he is going to go back.

Glad to hear about your victory.

<>< Paul

beloved16

Postby beloved16 » Fri Nov 26, 2004 4:13 am

"Addicted" is such a strong word. But lately, I've had an "epiphany" of sorts and find myself understanding more about myself, my family, my life, and most importantly, Jesus. I would never have considered myself to be "addicted" but it is definelty more than a "slip". My DW knows I've struggled in the past. We have a good sex life but there are times (due to illness, kids, etc) that we can go days -- occasionally, weeks -- without lovemaking. Those are the times I've found myself tempted (and yielding :( ) the most.

But I must say that these boards are very helpful. I've learned that we can have an awesome marriage bed that is free from sin, lust, and hurt. Some of the posts in the Pornography forum have shown me that (1) it is NOT helping anything nor relieving anything; (2) --and most powerful to me-- I can consider it a form of adultery; (3) that many men before have struggled with it and found victory.

Before stumbling across here, I'd already decided during my prayer time that I was going to be a more loving and compassionate husband. I believe (based on God's Word & several testimonies here) that by me loving DW and being her emotional pillar, I will NOT need to worry about *my* needs. After all, God is Jehovah Jireh -- and I need to believe that in every area of my life.

My DW & DC are currently visiting family in the states. I already have an evening planned for "opening" our communication lines (more than they are now) and getting a new vision for our marriage. Don't get me wrong -- we have a GREAT marriage. But I now realize some of the "depression?" and frustration feelings I've had are a direct result of my own actions (or inactions).

For those of you that are sincerely praying over the visitors/members of this forum, your prayers are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

-- WHEW -- Sorry for such a looooong post! But confession is definelty good for the soul. ;)

InGodsgracenow

Postby InGodsgracenow » Fri Nov 26, 2004 8:52 am

Well for me I just found out my DH has viewd porn on occasion before and since we have been married...

Does it shock me - yes because he has always acted like he doesn't have time for anything... Does it shock me - no because he wasn't interested in me so there had to be something...

I just asked him straight out this morning because it has been bother me and I really wanted to know. He was honest and I was grateful. I then asked him not to do it anymore and he said he won't...

I really do have faith that he won't because he has not been masturbating since I have been taking care of him either...

I think we are coming onto a new plane with this marriage and I am very grateful to the Lord and everyone who has been praying!

God Bless...

OldMan

Erotica and superior lovemaking at home

Postby OldMan » Fri Jan 07, 2005 4:10 pm

Greetings!

I have been puzzling over erotica for many years. Yes, I find sweet erotic photos arousing and indulge my interest from time to time. We have a book of photos demonstrating lovemaking positions which I like, because the photos are tastefully done and the people seem to enjoy being with one another.

However, I am not always interested in photos like this. I seem drawn to them more often when I am under stress, AND when my wife and I have little time for lovemaking.

So, my question is esp. for couples whose marriages are intensely sexually satisfying - lovemaking often, oral pleasuring of each other often and easily.

Do either of you find pornography or erotica interesting or inviting?

I think I need to be doing more to light the fire at home, but time is a problem. Today I wished I could sit naked in her lap all day, pleasuring her all day. But, the reality of work interferes.

Any thoughts - Old Man

Lothar

Postby Lothar » Thu Jan 13, 2005 1:16 am

Paul B wrote:anyone who stops and stays free for that long is probably going to stay free.


3 months seems to be the length of time it takes to break the addiction -- once you go that long, you're probably out. But, at least for me, there are occasional relapses (farther than 3 months apart). Maybe it's a little lingering addiction, but it doesn't seem to repeat, so it seems more like an isolated sin at this point.

Fibrobuster

I have a dumb question

Postby Fibrobuster » Thu Jan 13, 2005 5:01 pm

Hey folks:

I wonder if there are certain personalities who are more proned to addictions; be it porn, drugs, alcohol, adreniline, anything? I have done several things in my life that by many standards could have lead to addiction; drank alcohol, tried to smoke, tried chewing tobbacco, and yes looked at porn. I tried some of those items at different times in my life and decided I did not want to continue or did not like them and for what ever reason, I never got addicted. I have a personal friend who says he tried alcohol and was addicted from the first few sips, infact he had to go to an alcohol treatment facility to dry out. He was a smoker and said he was addicted after the first few cigarettes. He would gamble at the [edit] table and he could not get up from the table unless we more or less made him. I am not saying I could not become addicted by any means but I am just wondering? What do you think?

Fibrobuster

User avatar
mm
King bed
Posts: 277
Joined: Mon Sep 20, 2004 10:34 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 15th, 1987
Gender: Male
Location: urban area north of the equator

addictive personality

Postby mm » Sun Jan 16, 2005 8:17 pm

I always remember an older Christian that I knew in my younger days. He's already gone on to glory.

But he told us once that as a young man some friends invited him to a penny ante poker game. He played. His comment on the game was that when it was over he "just knew" that he would be one of those guys who would never quit if he kept on gambling. So he never played again.

I do think there are people who are more prone to one addiction than another. Unlike my mentor, I've bet on horses a couple of times, played slots a couple of times. No thrill. No desire to do it again. But porn? I'm happy to say that I'm free of its grip, and have been for several years, but I know I can't come close to it. My spam filter catches it before I can see the pictures.

And I've been able to think clearly enough during our recent marital difficulties to know that going back to it would only make a bad situation much worse.
The reason we're here as man and woman
Is to love each other
Take care of each other
When love walks in the room, everybody stand up!
--Chrissie Hynde Message of Love

Searcher

Postby Searcher » Mon Jan 24, 2005 9:46 am

Lothar wrote:But, at least for me, there are occasional relapses (farther than 3 months apart). Maybe it's a little lingering addiction, but it doesn't seem to repeat, so it seems more like an isolated sin at this point.


Could it be a temptation because of stress?

Kwho1969

Postby Kwho1969 » Fri Feb 11, 2005 10:44 am

Its been quite sometime since I answered this poll question I honestly do not remember what I answered at the time. But, it seems to me that over the last year, I go several months with no desire to pursue porn. And then I will have a period of a couple of weeks where I pursue it, then once again, I battle back and wont look at it for another few months.

Maybe my timeline is skewed but thats my interpertation at the moment. It definatly relates to how connected I feel with DW.

User avatar
Paul B
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 2067
Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2004 5:10 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 27th, 1985
Gender: Male
Location: The Inland Empire - north of Spokane, south of Canada
Contact:

Postby Paul B » Fri Feb 11, 2005 9:04 pm

Kwho1969 wrote:But, it seems to me that over the last year, I go several months with no desire to pursue porn. And then I will have a period of a couple of weeks where I pursue it, then once again, I battle back and wont look at it for another few months.

Maybe my timeline is skewed but thats my interpretation at the moment. It definatly relates to how connected I feel with DW.


This is pretty common, which is why the question was for the last three months. I a guy can stay free for three months, it's fairly likely he is free for good.

<>< Paul

User avatar
Paul B
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 2067
Joined: Tue Mar 09, 2004 5:10 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): January 27th, 1985
Gender: Male
Location: The Inland Empire - north of Spokane, south of Canada
Contact:

Re: When Do I Fully Trust Again?

Postby Paul B » Sat Apr 23, 2005 7:36 pm

Torch wrote:
happy wrote:My husband has had problems with porn all of our married lives (8 years) and before that too.

<snip>

OK here is my question. When can I trust him again. When do I stop checking the satalite bill, etc.??


Give him more sex than he can handle, (at least three times a day) and he will not have the drive nor the time to worry about looking at someone else. 8)
If a guy is truly addicted to porn this is not going to cause him to stop. In fact, he might look at more porn so as to be able to have sex each time she approached him.

While a lack of sex can cause a guy to give into temptation more easily, porn use really is not about the wife, and her actions alone can not stop his use.

<>< Paul

sunny82

Postby sunny82 » Sat Apr 23, 2005 9:38 pm

Pardon me if this sounds like a silly question but I really want to understand....can anyone tell me the real reason that guys view porn?
Obviousely they are aroused by it but is there a deeper underlying reason why :?:

Fibrobuster

Sunny82

Postby Fibrobuster » Sat Apr 23, 2005 9:49 pm

Sunny:

The reason guys view porn is simple. We are biologically wired visually. That is the long and the short of it. If a guy tells you he is not, he is either a liar, or he has been castrated. Every man on earth is biologically wired that way.
Fibrobuster


Return to “Pornography”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users