Married men and porn

Addiction, wrong expectations, habitual masturbation ...

Men - in the last 3 months, have you willingly sought or viewed porn?

I have not viewed any porn.
205
18%
I have slipped a few times. My wife knows.
132
12%
I have slipped a few times. My wife does not know.
207
18%
I have slipped many times. My wife knows.
106
9%
I have slipped many times. My wife does not know.
148
13%
I am addicted. My wife knows.
97
9%
I am addicted. My wife does not know.
68
6%
I look at porn, but I don't think it's wrong. My wife knows.
50
4%
I look at porn, but I don't think it's wrong. My wife does not know.
33
3%
My wife and I look at it together occasionally.
62
5%
My wife and I look at it together regularly.
23
2%
 
Total votes: 1131

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PS56
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Re: Married men and porn

Postby PS56 » Fri Jun 04, 2010 3:18 pm

backsideof40 wrote: I want to say for the record my husband is a very attractive man, a good provider and I believe he truly loves me, he is a hard worker and strives to do his best in anything he attempts. He has a good personality and talented in his profession. I do want you to know these things about him.

That's neat to hear. Sometimes on sites like this, we only hear the problems or the negative stuff. There are indeed some loving people of very good character who struggle with these things. :D

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby IfOnlyToBeDesired » Fri Jun 18, 2010 4:28 pm

PS56,
I've give you my story of victory.

I struggled with porn my whole life. I can point to January of 2004 as being when I became a Christ follower and knew there was a battle.
July 2005 I was married and the battle continued with porn, though not as bad as it was before. (Any porn mind you for me was bad though - I don't want to minimize it's absolute grossness). Up through Nov of 2009 I'd had a cycle of acting out episodes. Then, the weekend of Nov 2, I acted out for the last time. My wife was out of town, came home and confronted me. I couldn't lie any more. That began our recovery. I called another buddy and pulled a James 5. I remember that morning it was like I was in a jail break. I was free to run. I started therapy and read every book known to man written by Patrick Carnes. In installed Covenant Eyes and that helped tremendously. That said, I've been clean since Nov 2, 2009. My marriage is better than it has ever been. My communication with my wife is a millions time better. And we both enjoy meeting each others needs. Praise God. If it keeps getting better than this, I can't imagine what it'll be like.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby PS56 » Fri Jun 18, 2010 4:40 pm

IfOnlyToBeDesired wrote:PS56,
I've give you my story of victory.

I struggled with porn my whole life. I can point to January of 2004 as being when I became a Christ follower and knew there was a battle.
July 2005 I was married and the battle continued with porn, though not as bad as it was before. (Any porn mind you for me was bad though - I don't want to minimize it's absolute grossness). Up through Nov of 2009 I'd had a cycle of acting out episodes. Then, the weekend of Nov 2, I acted out for the last time. My wife was out of town, came home and confronted me. I couldn't lie any more. That began our recovery. I called another buddy and pulled a James 5. I remember that morning it was like I was in a jail break. I was free to run. I started therapy and read every book known to man written by Patrick Carnes. In installed Covenant Eyes and that helped tremendously. That said, I've been clean since Nov 2, 2009. My marriage is better than it has ever been. My communication with my wife is a millions time better. And we both enjoy meeting each others needs. Praise God. If it keeps getting better than this, I can't imagine what it'll be like.

Awesome! Thanks for sharing that. Stories like yours are very encouraging.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby jokerman » Sat Jun 19, 2010 4:45 pm

backsideof40 wrote:Thank you so much for the encouragement. Quick question...do you struggle with looking at women out in public? I feel like my DH maybe...he tries to hide his glances, but like today, there was a girl at a store with an extremely low cut top, I seen him glance her "boob" way three times. That made me very ashamed of him. Does this get better. When do men recover eyes for the wives only after looking at porn. Of course he says, how could you not notice, when I bring it up. As far as I know he has been porn free for 3 weeks now.


I don't think its necessarily porn viewers who get distracted by women in low-cut tops. My wife even admits that another woman showing lots of boob is incredibly distracting; not a turn-on, just very out of place when seen in stores and so on.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby mamame » Sat Jun 19, 2010 5:11 pm

backsideof40 wrote: I seen him glance her "boob" way three times. That made me very ashamed of him.


Why ashamed?

Like JM's wife, there have been times when I've glanced more than once. Sometimes I've thought "that is a stunningly beautiful woman" and sometimes I've thought "wow, that's a bad clothing choice" - it's like looking at a car wreck.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby PS56 » Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:01 pm

backsideof40 wrote:I am ashamed of him, because he was "sneaking" peaks when he thought I wasn't looking at him, of course there was a security mirror overhead and I seen it all....that is why I am ashamed of him. He was acting like a 12 year old who knew that he wasn't suppose to be sneaking peaks. It would be different I guess if I trusted him with his eyes, but I don't right now. I didn't create this mess...HE DID, he created these insecurities in me. I don't want to be one of those women who have a visual pervert for a husband. There I said it! But that is the way it makes me feel. She was barely my DD age, if that, and he is old enough to be her father. ,

I think you're being a little unfair or a little too critical. Even men who don't look at porn glance at women wearing low cut tops, women wearing mini skirts and high heels, etc. Men are very visual, and to some extent, we can't help ourselves. Generally, we try to be discreet, which is why we "sneak" peaks. And as long as a man is not "leering" or "lusting," I don't think it's that big a deal. Kudos to the man who can turn his eyes and put up that "blockade" every one of the 50 times a day he's confronted with a tempting image. Perhaps some men can do that. But very few men can do it every time, so I think you're judging him too harshly when you say you're "ashamed" of him.

And the fact that he looks at another attractive woman is not reflection on you. My wife has the best legs in the entire world, but if a woman in a mini-skirt and high heels walks by me, I can almost guarantee I'm not going to be able to turn my eyes away completely.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby jokerman » Sat Jun 19, 2010 8:43 pm

backsideof40 wrote:I am ashamed of him, because he was "sneaking" peaks when he thought I wasn't looking at him, of course there was a security mirror overhead and I seen it all....that is why I am ashamed of him. He was acting like a 12 year old who knew that he wasn't suppose to be sneaking peaks. It would be different I guess if I trusted him with his eyes, but I don't right now. I didn't create this mess...HE DID, he created these insecurities in me. I don't want to be one of those women who have a visual pervert for a husband. There I said it! But that is the way it makes me feel. She was barely my DD age, if that, and he is old enough to be her father. ,



Then just keep him indoors all summer, since the styles this year don't look anymore modest than last years, and plenty of women seem more than happy to flash boob these days. To be "ashamed" of your "pervert" husband and to lay your insecurities at his feet seems like a recipe for future problems. A normal trip to the mall is going to be a series of emotional landmines for you two.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby mamame » Sun Jun 20, 2010 6:16 am

backsideof40 wrote: I don't want to be one of those women who have a visual pervert for a husband.


What does it mean to be a visual pervert? Not trying to beat you up, but just trying to make sure we're all talking about the same thing.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby jokerman » Mon Jun 21, 2010 7:06 am

backsideof40 wrote: Jokerman, let me ask you a question, Do you think Christ would have tried to oogle the other woman's breast?


Let me ask you a question. When Jesus was dealing with folks caught in sexual sin, did he talk about how ashamed he was, and refer to them as perverts?

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby KyWildcat » Mon Jun 21, 2010 8:05 am

backsideof40 wrote:Jokerman, no he simply stated they had committed adultery in their hearts and showed them a need to repent.

Actually you've mis-characterized that slightly and by way of doing so didn't answer jokerman's question.

No one had been caught in sin when Christ spoke to what you are referring (Matthew 5).

backsideof40 wrote:What I am dealing with is his perception right now is off base. I did not have to deal with this prior to porn. Yes before porn he glanced, but now he is seeking out viewing...very different. I understand what you are saying but I don't think you get my point.

And I think you have equally missed jokerman's point.
backsideof40 wrote:I expect him to be he man of God he used to be or strive to regain that...

The question then becomes, what is the best way of getting him to that point, shame or love?
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Re: Married men and porn

Postby alaska bob » Mon Jun 21, 2010 8:19 am

backsideof40 wrote:Jokerman, you still did not answer my question, do you think Christ would have approved of this behavior?


I think I can answer for Jokerman, no, Christ would not approve of his behavior. But, in dealing with this issue, it is possible to acknowledge that what he is doing is sinful but not perverted or abnormal.

Your husband is dealing with a problem that is common among even Christian men, and what you are describing in this thread does not make him a pervert. Treating him as if he has leprosy is not going to fix the problem, but rather make it worse.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby Leah » Mon Jun 21, 2010 8:25 am

I'm not sure a healthy boundary allows me to think in those terms about my husband. It's just not the attitude I want to present. Sometimes I wonder how he found enough hours in the day to do as much porn as he did. It is a fact of life that I can't change my husband. I could only work on me. I was sad and angry and hurt about the betrayal, but I also learned that berating my husband did not make me feel better. It only made me feel worse. Good reading and support groups helped me feel more secure in developing healthy boundaries about my own attitudes and actions.
Leah

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby luvinher » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:01 am

alaska bob wrote:I think I can answer for Jokerman, no, Christ would not approve of his behavior. But, in dealing with this issue, it is possible to acknowledge that what he is doing is sinful but not perverted or abnormal.


Could be said too, I suppose, that it is sinful and normal. :roll:

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby Leah » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:02 am

I was delivered from severe anorexia. A lot of people prayed for me and I had to learn how to disassociate feelings from eating. That is the bottom line. When I was first learning the depth of Jake's addiction, I would often skip meals. Then I realized I was acting out from a place of codependency. I can't change what Jake does, but I can jolly well change my thinking and learn how to behave in a healthy way.
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Re: Married men and porn

Postby KyWildcat » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:04 am

backsideof40 wrote:I was simply stating that was a fear, that I did not and will not continue in a relationship with a man who continually behaves this way.

Understandable.
backsideof40 wrote:My DH knows that I am in secure to the point of a full blown eating disorder at this time that I am battling with myself.

It seems to me that you are allowed to battle with your issues while he is headed toward "perversion" with his... I'd think based on your own struggles you'd show him a little more grace.
backsideof40 wrote:So once again, he CHOSE to reinforce that behavior.

That's the way satan works.
backsideof40 wrote:Another thing...when a man looks at woman other than his wife, and he is a Christian, when that other woman catches his glance or gaze, if the opportunity came up for that man to witness to her about Christ, which is what we are suppose to be doing, How do you think that would go over? Do you think that woman would accept the fact that oh, he is just a man, and accept his witness? We are suppose to be Christians first, then men and women....the old man has passed away behold all things are new.

Thing is, that is a process.

It's obvious to me that there are a number of spiritual maturity issues in your marriage.
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Re: Married men and porn

Postby luvinher » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:08 am

backsideof40 wrote:God does not intend for my husband to oogle another womans breast. That is why in Genesis he talks about 1 man and 1 woman.
What choice did Adam have? :lol:

The Bible is silent as to Adam and Eve's daughters and how much leering/lusting Adam did over them. We do know that Cain and Seth found some women folk, but again the lusting isn't described.


backsideof40 wrote:Bounce his gaze to something else. That would show me he truly is trying to change and is more interested in God's design....


Methinks you have read too many EMB style books and are now demanding your H perform according to some supposed standards.

backsideof40 wrote:Jokerman, let me ask you a question, Do you think Christ would have tried to oogle the other woman's breast?


I'd say JC could view breasts all day long and not be sinful about it, though his flesh may have been sorely tempted. JC might have gone out of his way to ogle women's breasts to PROVE he could do so and not sin, but who knows?

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby jokerman » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:14 am

backsideof40 wrote:Jokerman, you still did not answer my question, do you think Christ would have approved of this behavior?


I don't even know how your hubby behaved objectively, we simply have your view of what happened, and from the account it sounds like your husband was acting like a 13-year-old boy during his first trip to the beach. I highly doubt it went down like that.

In answer to your question, I'm sure your husband doesn't act like Jesus every moment. No man does.

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Re: Married men and porn

Postby Seekryt » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:17 am

backsideof40 wrote:Thank you so much for the encouragement. Quick question...do you struggle with looking at women out in public? I feel like my DH maybe...he tries to hide his glances, but like today, there was a girl at a store with an extremely low cut top, I seen him glance her "boob" way three times. That made me very ashamed of him. Does this get better. When do men recover eyes for the wives only after looking at porn. Of course he says, how could you not notice, when I bring it up. As far as I know he has been porn free for 3 weeks now.


One of the things that happens with an addict is that they become hypersexualized. Basically, they start looking at everyone through sexual eyes, all the time. Part of recovery is learning how to bounce their eyes from anything/anyone that they find tempting.

I remember about a year ago, I was out driving with DH. We were at a rough place in recovery, but we were muddling out way through it as best we could. I had taken special care with hair, makeup, outfit, cute shoes etc that day because what we'd been dealing with had really given me a self-esteem blow. DH was appreciative.

He was also appreciative of the two young ladies wearing tight shirts and very short shorts who were roller blading along the side of the road. One look I could probably have dealt with - three was over the top for me. It was a good thing for him that he was driving. I was mortified. I was embarrassed for myself, and also for him. I felt deeply shamed, as though he had chosen them outright over me. I felt worthless, humiliated, unattractive, and angry.

You know, at that point, he didn't have the tools or the self-control to keep himself in check. Today, he would see them, his internal filter would go "Uh oh! Danger! Look awaaaaaay!". But back then? It's almost like he didn't even HAVE that filter. That's one of the things that gets put in place by recovery.

Of course, neither did I. I wasn't very far into my recovery either, so it was like having a knife scraped along raw nerves.
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Re: Married men and porn

Postby Leah » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:29 am

luvinher wrote:
backsideof40 wrote:Bounce his gaze to something else. That would show me he truly is trying to change and is more interested in God's design....


Methinks you have read too many EMB style books and are now demanding your H perform according to some supposed standards.


A wife cannot *demand* her husband perform to any standard. What she can do is determine how much ogling she is willing to put up with.
Leah

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luvinher

Re: Married men and porn

Postby luvinher » Mon Jun 21, 2010 9:30 am

May I say some of this sounds offtopic? We are in a thread surveying men's porn viewing habit(s) and so myabe this is not really the best place to discuss low cut blouses and recovery agendas.

What category was Backsides40's H in? Perhaps..."I look at porn, but I don't think it's wrong. My wife knows."


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