Porn to help arousal?

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
Jayrod737
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Porn to help arousal?

Postby Jayrod737 » Sun May 28, 2017 9:40 am

Ok, so my wife and I have been married for nearly 10 years. From the time she was a child she would do this leg squeeze "tension orgasm". She was in a very strict Christian family and masturbation was very clearly taught against, so she never went beyond that type of masturbation and she tried to limit it to just helping her go to sleep when she was having trouble falling asleep. She never fingered herself or played with her clitoris. [OG Edit: spelling]

She had a very high libido when we were dating and engaged, but we never went beyond kissing. She assumed that when we got married intercourse would bring her to orgasm. Obviously that never happened. So I explained to her that most females need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, but it took her a long time to be comfortable with me doing oral on her. Unfortunately my health declined dramatically after our first yr of marriage and her stress levels rose a lot. Though my health declined, my libido didn't drop much. But we're not able to do much fun stuff like go on dates and vacation and other things to stir up romance and passion. I'm basically housebound most days. Its hard because sex is like the one enjoyable thing left in life and something we can share together and help keep us connected, but without her being able to orgasm, she doesn't have much interest in it anymore and not much libido, though she is available whenever I want, but just not “involved”.

So we watched an "instructional adult video" a couple months ago and she got like crazy aroused during it, like more aroused than I'd ever seen her even when we were dating. Its the only thing like that she'd ever seen. It wasn't like hardcore explicit rough degrading to women stuff. It was far more romantic and female focused, but you could see intercourse. She seemed to have got really close to orgasm during oral, but I so rarely get practice down there I messed up the rhythm right when things were peaking. We've tried oral a few times since then, but its not the same. Without the high arousal, she says it just doesn't feel very good.

The next day after we had watched the video we were both a little confused as to whether it was right or wrong because, though we didn't feel like we were lusting at the people on screen, they were still naked and doing it and we were watching. Its been 2 months since then and we haven't watched anything and sex has gone back to mundane. Its hard though because it really seems like that could bring her to orgasm and she could learn how to do it to herself and then maybe she wouldn’t need the other visual stimulation anymore. Or maybe in this tough health situation, that's the only thing that can arouse her enough to get to orgasm. I don’t know. She seems to need sustained arousal to get close, like 30 minutes, and nothing keeps her mind there like watching this did. So I don't know what to do. Is this really wrong and obviously should be avoided? Or is it a gray area for this unique situation? I feel if I had full health and was able to "woo" her more like when we were dating, I may be able to arouse her more and longer and get her there, but this seems the only way now. I'd much rather not have to rely on this, but its very appealing right now, especially knowing how much it helps sex be so much better for her and connecting for us and one of the few things in life we could look froward to. She doesn't feel comfortable masturbating on her own, but has tried some erotica and that has similar effects, but nothing like the visual. Any help or advice would be appreciated.

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Learning1 » Sun May 28, 2017 12:54 pm

I do not think watching a live instructional video of a couple having sex is a good thing. Have you tried a vibrator ?
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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Jayrod737 » Sun May 28, 2017 1:01 pm

Yes, we have the magic wand vibrator and another smaller one...and a pretty realistic dildo. She's tried em all, several times for long periods of time. Trust me, no way we would have done the video if we hadn't felt all options had been exhausted. But with that said, you're probably right, hard to see porn in any way being justified. We're just called to grow through our suffering. Just so hard when the suffering is chronic and so many of your christian friends are enjoying so many blessings and pleasures and sex...and we live in an entitlement culture. Just overcome it, ay?

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun May 28, 2017 1:40 pm

I'm sure you don't want your wife to become dependent on watching porn to enjoy sex. Porn is a dangerous drug, seriously. It's also a sin. Please don't watch any more "instructional videos", either of you. Your wife is going to have to explore her sexuality and find out what other things can get her aroused. She can't depend entirely on you to do that; she has to learn what feels good so she can share the info with you. Imagination and fantasy are pretty powerful tools to facilitate arousal as well.
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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Jayrod737 » Sun May 28, 2017 1:57 pm

That is good advice. The problem I have is that whenever I bring up the idea that maybe she should take some time by herself and take a bath, light some candles, relax and make herself feel good and learn her bodies sexuality so we can share it, she says im pressuring her, that she feels stressed and then she just gets angry. Ive tried to explain that its not that im really unsatisfied or something, but it does seem like sex for her and therefore for us, could be quite a bit better if she was able to know and understand her body more, to learn how it works so that she could share that with me and we could share together. But its such a touchy subject now and she seems convinced that she can't have an orgasm, so I don't know what to do. Her low libido also makes it difficult for her to want to spend all that time touching herself because it just frustrates her that she doesn't get aroused, then she feels dirty or guilty that only bad things like porn do get her aroused.

We otherwise have a very good marriage and have overcome a lot. I can't understand why she has no sexual interest though. Its like shortly after we got married and she realized sex wasn't going to be easy to orgasm with and it was not new and exciting anymore, she lost interest. It also wasn't "forbidden fruit" anymore. Once its not forbidden, it seems like a lot of girls who married as virgins lose interest, especially since they spent so many years suppressing their desire.

I don't at all mean to make her sound bad and I hope Im not. She's absolutely amazing and I love her more than anything. I just think sex could be better for her/us if it was more than cuddling.

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun May 28, 2017 2:14 pm

I need to ask the standard question: is she on any kind of hormonal birth control?
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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Jayrod737 » Sun May 28, 2017 2:28 pm

No, never has been. She has had some blood work to check estrogen and other levels and everything was fine...though now that I think about it, not sure if her testosterone was ever checked. Other than low libido she has no obvious signs of any health issues though.

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun May 28, 2017 2:55 pm

It's possible for women to have low testosterone - I do and I'm on bioidentical hormones. My libido came back when I started on testosterone cream, and my sexual sensitivity increased - in other words, everything felt more exciting (words, thoughts, touches, etc.) She might want to look into having her testosterone checked.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Jayrod737 » Sun May 28, 2017 3:38 pm

Interesting. She's only 32. Would hate to have to have her go on hormones so young, but worth a look.

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun May 28, 2017 4:40 pm

I went into menopause at the age of 37 (freaky, right after I had my tubes tied), and went on synthetic hormones immediately. I stayed on the Premarin (estrogen only) until I was 50, and then switched to the bioidentical hormones (estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone). I've been feeling great ever since.
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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Job29Man » Sun May 28, 2017 9:08 pm

Howdy Jayrod,

You say it was an "instructional video." That means it conveys information that the viewer learns, and incorporates into his/her brain for further reference.

Once that has been accomplished the instructional medium can be placed back on the bookshelf with the words "Great! I'm glad I read that book! Now I know so much more!"

But when the book/video is pulled back off the shelf and used to accomplish self stimulation, it now becomes a sex-toy, and it goes to the category of pornography.

The question really is "Is it Biblical for a husband or wife to use pornography to get himself/herself in the mood for sex?" The answer is ... Well, no need to tell you. You tell me what the answer is.
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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Jayrod737 » Mon May 29, 2017 6:18 am

Thanks, jobman. Yeah its pretty obvious. I just wanted to get some reinforcement from other christians so I can stop trying to rationalize it in my own head.

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby SeekingChange » Mon May 29, 2017 6:34 am

The issues with your wife could have a physical reason for it, like out of balance hormones, but to me, it sounds like a fairly normal occurrence in women. Life and stress have a way of sucking a libido out of a woman, especially if she is the one who has to do all the "heavy lifting" in life because of your illness. She may just need an education so she can understanding herself as a woman better, and I am not just speaking of the physical, but things like having a responsive nature, meaning her sexual desire may not come until after you all really get going. There are multiple Christian blogs that could help her, if she's teachable.
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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby doug-h » Mon May 29, 2017 7:04 am

SeekingChange wrote: Life and stress have a way of sucking a libido out of a woman, especially if she is the one who has to do all the "heavy lifting" in life because of your illness.


This occurred to me as well. Many of the challenges you are facing may be the natural result of the additional stresses placed on you both due to your illness. I wish I had something to offer on a ways to bring a little lightheartedness into your home. Your OP seems a bit dark, as if the only thing you can manage to enjoy is sex. I don't doubt that casts a shadow on things. It might be beneficial to look for ways that you can serve your wife within the boundaries of your illness, and some things that you can do for yourself to take some of the load off of her.

It might not be much, but I have found that little tokens sometimes count as much as grand gestures.

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Jayrod737 » Mon May 29, 2017 7:35 am

I can see why you may say that, doug, especially since im not going to write a 10,000 word essay about all the different aspects of our relationship and i appreciate the desire to help, but i can assure you that even though i have this illness, my efforts to be helpful and supportive both physically and emotionally are not lacking. No doubt, the abnormal life we're in does have an effect on stress levels and normalcy, so that seems to be key. Will get some hormone levels checked but mostly focus on growing through suffering and overcoming it, not giving in to an easy way out.

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby ItsJustUs » Tue May 30, 2017 10:04 am

Just going to chime in here. Obviously agree that it's not right to use a video of others having intercourse to get aroused. But I think you knew that before you posted and really are asking for help more generally.

You said your illness keeps you housebound so vacations and romantic trips about town are out. Can you read aloud? Maybe read poetry to your wife while she does housework. Or books of classic literature, like Jane Austen. Or write your own poems or stories. Can you enjoy watching movies together? Or travel documentaries? Listen to good music while cuddling?

I think there are probably lots of things you all can do as a couple that would help her tea kettle come to the boiling point. Don't settle for the easy route of a video that seemed to get her going. We women are complex beings, and part of the fun in marriage comes from trying to understand us. At least that's what I tell my husband! Seriously, I bet if you put your minds to it, the two of you can find a lot of ways to be romantic even with your physical limitations. You may try some and go, "Well, that didn't work." That's ok! Haven't you ever tried a food or restaurant you thought you'd like only to discover it wasn't so great after all? Same thing here. Just approach this as a fun thing to do together rather than a chore that has to be done. Don't put performance expectations on yourselves, and just have fun.

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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby Leah » Tue May 30, 2017 10:08 am

It's interesting that the video was "instructional" when you were watching it, but it's porn now that it's on the shelf. Have you thought about why you express it quite that way?
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Re: Porn to help arousal?

Postby wyseguy » Thu Jun 01, 2017 12:21 pm

Porn is a shortcut and a particularly insidious one at that.

Sure, at first it will get your wife aroused quickly. It will seem like it has fixed all your problems. Until it doesn't. So you'll try more kinky stuff and that will work for a while. Until it doesn't. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Only after a few iterations, you find that she can't get aroused at all without it. Then she won't be able to get aroused without the kinky stuff. Then the images from the scenes you've watched start flashing into your head.

Porn is lazy. Porn enables women who find difficulty in getting aroused to get aroused quickly without the need to explore one's body or introspect on their sexuality. Porn enables men who don't want to put the effort into the relationship to get aroused and find release without all the relational and emotional work. Porn enables us to skip the difficult stuff or the stuff we don't want to do while still getting some of what we really want. Porn is the athlete who takes steroids. Porn is the knucklehead driver who screams past the gridlock on the shoulder. Porn is the jerk who cuts in line at the amusement park.

Porn is a lie. Pornography is largely male perspectives on sex superimposed on women. It isn't real. Extremely few women approach sex or actually have sex like that. Very few men look or perform like that. On top of all the sin you see in porn is the stuff you don't see. You don't see male actors so unable to get or maintain an erection that less attractive women must be hired to get them hard and keep them hard by doing even more depraved and debasing things than what you see on screen. You don't see the gallons of lubricant that must be used in order to keep the women from being torn to pieces inside (no time for foreplay). You don't see women who can't perform for days or weeks because they've been injured on set (vaginal tears being common). You don't see towels with blood on them from the intimate injuries. You don't see the men and women who are unable to establish meaningful romantic relationships. You don't see the exploitation of men and women on the dark net (where the truly depraved stuff resides). You don't see the same camera tricks used to make Hobbits and Jedi Knights employed to make men and women feel inadequate. You don't see the hours of editing and post-production tricks used to make it look like the men can go for days. You don't see the botched breast augmentation surgeries leaving women scarred for life. You don't see the positive STD tests that not only end a career but end lives. You don't see the abortions. You don't see the wreckage of human lives. Porn feeds you a warped perspective on sex and gets your mind addicted to it until you've normalized it.

Porn corrupts that which God established. While no particular sex act found in pornography is necessarily sin in the context of a husband and wife's marriage bed, the near universal combinations of unmarried men and women warps a Godly view of what is permissible in the marriage bed. Where God intended sex to be between a husband and wife in the private and intimate settings they construct for themselves, porn creates sexual settings where any combination of men and women are welcome and all are invited to observe. Where God intended sex to be a profound intimate expression of the love only a marriage can instill, porn debases sex to something trivial, commonplace, and devoid of love. Where God intended sex to be uniting for a husband and wife, porn makes it difficult for the performers to establish meaningful romantic relationships. Where God intended sex to be procreative, porn has little tolerance for conception let alone bringing a child into the world.

Do yourself, your wife, your family, and your witness a favor, destroy that "instructional video". Take steel wool to the disk, then shatter it before throwing it in the garbage. Take the time to work out your wife's issues. Be firm but loving in your expectation that she learns how her body works, how she is aroused, and how you can help her. Do the hard work. Help her. Be the husband she needs rather than the husband she wants right now. Don't take this short cut. The price you'll pay months and years later is just too high.


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