Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
prettylights
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Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby prettylights » Sun Nov 12, 2017 6:34 pm

We have been married for 4 years, and I have yet to have an orgasm. At first I didn't really mind, I know sex is more than just an orgasm, but lately I've been discouraged by it. I also don't know how to bring this up with my husband. Up until this point, it feels like we both have just accepted that the aim of sex is for him to orgasm. Maybe we've given up on helping me get to that point. He will sometimes spend a bit of time doing things that I like but, in my opinion, it's a very limited amount of time.. almost like he wants to rush past that to get to what he wants and what makes him feel good (PIV). I always want him to keep going (but have never vocalized this - I figure that he has stopped because he doesn't want to do it anymore). I feel like I've told him certain things that make me feel good but that he doesn't stop to do those things often enough. He appears to have one goal and wants to get there asap. I want to bring this up with him but feel bad about it, as well as slightly uncomfortable, and nervous. I want to experience an orgasm and I want sex to be more than what it seems his end goal always is. Part of me wonders if he doesn't do the things I like because he doesn't want to, and only wants that end result. I don't know.

Thanks for any guidance.

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Re: Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby SeekingChange » Sun Nov 12, 2017 6:40 pm

I would share with him that you are really interested in exploring trying to orgasm, and see what ideas he can come up with. Keep it about your desires, not so much on what he is not doing.
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prettylights
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Re: Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby prettylights » Sun Nov 12, 2017 6:48 pm

I like the idea of keeping the focus on my desires rather than pointing out what he isn't doing. Thank you <3

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Re: Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby Unfulfilled » Sun Nov 12, 2017 9:04 pm

You may have pointed to the root of this in the following 2 sentences:

“Up until this point, it feels like we both have just accepted that the aim of sex is for him to orgasm. Maybe we've given up on helping me get to that point.”

What stuck out of rhis statement was that it soinds pretty clearly that you BOTH have given up or accepted thst you will not orgasm.

IF that is the case, or that is the belief that your husband has. Then that alone may explain why he doesn’t spend more time to get you to Orgasm if he believes it is impossible anyway. Furthermore he may want to get it overwith quick not so much for him. As he doesn’t want to bore you so he only spends enough time to get you lubricated enkugh so that he won’t cause you discomfort. So while you are feeling bad and guilty and thinking he is thinking only of himself, he may actually be thinkmg of you and wanting to get over with his Orgasm so you wont be bored or distant etc.

Yes you mist talk about this. I also while heartedly agree that keeping it about your desire to experience orgasm. And express how you want to experience that with him. And experience the intimacy with him brining you the timate pleasure together.

Most men so strongly desire their wife to Orgasm, that they will do almost anything to make it happen. In fact part of his style now may be in lart because he feels loke a failure and not a good lover and “not good enough” to make his wife orgasm. It would be VERY emasculating and very demoralizing to most men to be unable to bring his wife to orgasm.

To get a glimpse of this, I think there was a thread here some time ago with the title something like: “Who's O do you enjoy more”. Many men either said it was a very hard choice whether they enjoyed their own orgasm over bringing their wife to orgasm. Many men simply said they enjoyed their wife’s orgasm over their own.

The false teaching that sex is for men and that men enjoy the physical release and orgasm more than a wife is devastating. And simply WRONG. If a man cannot bring his wife to orgasm it is as stated above demoralizing at minimum and emasculating at worst. Assuming a good willed man that is.

Bottom line is that I think what you have is a case of major miscommunication. I would be willing to bet that he would love to explore and take time necessary to help TOGETHER for you to reach orgasm. It will be a grand loving adenture. A journey you BOTH can experience. And a journey that will be so intimately special between you!

Please make sure that this conversation you have with him take place somewhere outside the bedroom or anywhere close to a sexual situation. In a car ride with just the two of you for example. No sexual connotations or expectations in the moment, and also if uncomfortable offeres the ability for limited eye contact being side by side, rather than face to face.

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Re: Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby tjw » Mon Nov 13, 2017 9:10 am

There's also an idea that we should "just know" how to pleasure each other, as if it were some kind of animal instinct that
should have been born into us, but it's another of the insidious lies which the world-system brings to us. We have to learn
to please each other, and can reject completely any notion that sexual ability and knowledge are "innate".

I clearly don't believe your husband only wants "his end". I agree with the others that a husband's deep longing is to be "good"
for his wife, that he has probably just "accepted" that it won't happen. But, I'm sure, he still wants it to.

I want to ask you a couple questions that you can consider rhetorical if you want, it's not important that you tell us:

Can you bring yourself to orgasm? Would you be able to instruct your husband how to do it?

Of course, feel free to answer if you wish and if we can help you. But the answers to yourself are really all that's important.

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Re: Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby Leah » Mon Nov 13, 2017 9:33 am

We teach people how to treat us. For the last four years you have taught your husband that your married sex life is all about him. Maybe it's time to change that dynamic. Some of the others have given excellent conversation scripting. Use those ideas to start pressing for more.
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Re: Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby 1plumber » Mon Nov 13, 2017 8:33 pm

We were married 11 years before I was able to help my dw to O, except for once when we were dating and I'm still not sure how that happened. :roll: She had occasionally been able to have one if she gave herself manual while we had piv, but we both really wanted for me to be able to do it for her. She would guide my hands to show me what she liked but I was never able to keep the right pressure or rhythm to get her there and we both kind of gave up. I was doing many of the same things you've described your dh as doing for pretty much the same reasons as unfulfilled described. I knew it was frustrating for dw to not climax and it didn't seem like I was going to bring her any satisfaction when we ml, so getting it over quickly felt like the humane thing to do. I actually found what worked for her by chance while giving her oral (which she had never liked very much up to that point) and that was the only way that worked for many years after.

A couple questions that come to mind:
Have you experienced an O before? Do you know what it takes to get your body there? You said you've showed your dh what you like, have you given him some options? I ask because my dw showed me what to do with my hands but my fingers just aren't sensitive enough to do the trick, but my tongue is and she didn't realize it. If you haven't experienced one I'd think that's where you'd want to start, by figuring out what it takes.

As others have said communication is key and keeping an open mind helps too, don't get stuck thinking there's only one way to get the results you're looking for. I'd give dh the benefit of the doubt that he wants you to be fulfilled and keep it positive.

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Re: Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby prettylights » Mon Nov 13, 2017 11:02 pm

1plumber, thank you so much for taking the time to respond. To answer your questions -

1. No, I've never experienced an O before
2. No, I have no idea what it takes to get my body there. I don't personally feel comfortable with MB.
3. I've told the husband what I like but often it feels like either a) he doesn't spend enough time doing those things or b) he moves quickly to what will get him to O and doesn't attend to the things I like.

tjw wrote:Can you bring yourself to orgasm? Would you be able to instruct your husband how to do it?

Thank you for your insight. I appreciate it! As for your question - no. I don't feel comfortable with MB. Even if I was, don't really want my first orgasm to be something I give myself.

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Re: Unsure how to bring this up with husband.

Postby tjw » Tue Nov 14, 2017 6:30 am

Oral works best for us. And, it takes time. Your H is going to have to understand that he needs to go about it slowly.

My suggestion is to "take turns" - have one session together in which the focus is only on you, and the next is for him.
Mutual sessions will grow into your habit easily when you're having success.

One thing that prompts guys to not spend enough time is the fear of losing their own arousal. I think one author wrote that 99% of boys masturbate, and the other 1% are liars. :) Masturbation tends to "train" their sexual responses to "proceed directly to the goal" and this has to be unlearned when marital sex starts to take place and supplant the masturbation.

I don't know if you have thought about it, but a good christian marriage counselor may be of huge help. It may be better that your husband's instruction comes from someone other than you. It may avoid some of the risks. I think a christian counselor is important here, one thing you two don't need is some off-the-wall, non-biblical "help".


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