Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
nascent

Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby nascent » Sun Mar 10, 2013 12:03 am

Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married 6 months ago. We were both virgins, and quite looking forward to sex. Our sex life has been kinda rocky, though, and I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong...

First of all, my wife has never had an orgasm. I didn't expect her to orgasm right away on our wedding night or anything, but we are both pretty frustrated that after 6 months she still hasn't had a single orgasm. I try and try to stimulate her manually and orally, sometimes for an hour at a time, and she never gets to orgasm. She describes feelings as "too intense" and "I can't take it", and would have me stop. Sometimes she describes it as "awkward" or "uncomfortable", which generally makes me feel like an awful lover... but other times she says I'm really good at making her "feel good". I don't know what to think. I ask her all the time what feels good and if something feels rough or painful, if I should try faster, slower, more pressure, less pressure, something different; she usually doesn't know, or just wants to stop completely.

My wife says she still experiences some pain during intercourse... occasionally she says it feels good. So usually intercourse does not last long because I don't want her to be in pain. Before and/or after intercourse I try to stimulate her manually and orally. Most of the time she just doesn't like it, though, so it doesn't last. Sometimes (maybe 25% of the time?) she seems to enjoy the stimulation, so I go as long as she wants. If she seems to be enjoying it, I usually have to coax her on, otherwise she'd stop quickly anyway.

In general it's really hard for me to arouse her, and when she is aroused, it doesn't last. In the beginning she basically said she was never getting aroused... she wanted to get aroused, but just wasn't. She said before we were married she would get aroused all the time when she was with me, but after we were married, she didn't feel aroused "at all." Fortunately, things have improved a little and she does sometimes get aroused through manual stimulation, but it usually doesn't last more than a few minutes no matter what I do. It frustrates her when things dry up.

My wife initiates sex sometimes, and says she really enjoys it sometimes as well... but just doesn't seem sexually aroused. To me it seems like she would choose cuddling over sex any time (and we almost always cuddle a lot before and after sex.)

I love my wife very much and I just want to make her happy both emotionally and sexually. She wants to have an orgasm, and I want her to experience an orgasm. Any ideas????

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby mamame » Sun Mar 10, 2013 12:39 am

Is she taking any kind of hormonal birth control?

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby livinginblurredlines » Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:25 am

Has she orgasmed through masturbation?

I want to tell you that you doing all you are doing means you are an awesome lover! So, don't feel like a failure. It does take two to tango and it takes a while to become master dancers if you know what I mean. Would she come on here to.discuss it? I have the feeling that the lack of O is on her end, not yours. It could be medical, just not understanding how to get over the edge, or a block in her mind....a fear of letting go and being that out of control. We ladies can have very powerful O's and it can be scary at first. The loss of control throughout our bodies while naked and in the presence of another can be hard to accept at first. I had no problem having O's early in hubby and I's relationship, though I masturbated to O a lot before we met. However, well over a decade of sexuality with hubby later, and I still have times of shyness and fear that prevents O and hinders how I feel about the marriage bed experience as a whole. She may not understand these emotions just yet. Be patient. Give her time. Encourage her to explore herself and learn how to O. Don't pressure it or expect an O. Just keep building trust and intimacy.

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby txtwindad » Sun Mar 10, 2013 6:01 am

Learning to O for a woman can be difficult. For a guy it is normally like falling off a log. How can you not reach O? So, it's difficult for us to understand. During sex with you, there are many feelings going on. She is likely having trouble concentrating on the ones that will get her to O. If she works on masturbating, alone, she can concentrate just on the O and how to get there. Then she can bring that newly learned skill back into bed with you. There are many threads on here with tips to help her get there.
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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Mar 10, 2013 6:47 am

Hi Nascent & welcome!

All good advice, but want to emphasize that you are not a bad lover at all. Inexperienced, yes, but it sounds to me like you are good nonetheless. It's more about effort than skill :-). Only she can have an orgasm. You can't do anything to make her have one. Even if you had been married before and had years and years of experience pleasing women, she still probably would not have had one.

As LivingBlurredLines says, it would be great if she would explore her own body and learn what works for her.

How was her upbringing with regards to teaching and attitudes about sex?

She said before we were married she would get aroused all the time when she was with me, but after we were married, she didn't feel aroused "at all."

Definitely, if she is on the pill, find something else right away. Hormones are the key to arousal and orgasm. How is her menstrual cycle?

Assuming she is not on the pill, it wouldn't hurt to get her hormone levels checked. Attitudes, etc. are all factors, but if her hormones are out of whack and her testosterone level is low, it ain't happening. DW had a hysterectomy and lost her ovaries, but she sees a bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy doctor and our sex life has never been better.
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Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby Mrs. Tomorrow » Sun Mar 10, 2013 6:47 am

In addition to mamame's question, I would ask: what lube are you using, and have you considered getting her a vibrator having her learn to O with that?

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby BHF » Sun Mar 10, 2013 7:08 am

have you got a mirror? Most women don't know what they look like. print out the women's plumbing sheet which is on TMB. You and her then go through both of your genitalia together.
Now that you have the names for all the equipment, she can say rub this softly etc.
It is also incredibly erotic to do this in front of the mirror as she explores what works and what doesn't.

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby livinginblurredlines » Sun Mar 10, 2013 7:37 am

Mrs. Tomorrow wrote:In addition to mamame's question, I would ask: what lube are you using, and have you considered getting her a vibrator having her learn to O with that?


Not to sound contentious, but why recommend a vibrator, a machine no man can match? If she learns to O by the massive stimulus of a vibrator, she may not be able to O by "mere flesh."

I want to add that I could not O via PIV because the stimulation felt like I had to urinate and wasn't comfortable. A dear lady on here told me to.push past that feeling knowing an O is most likely on the other side and I have to train my body. Sure enough, she was right. Your wife may have to concentrate on and work through those different feelings and sensations which may seem odd and unpleasant. Her O may be on the other side.

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby Mrs. Tomorrow » Sun Mar 10, 2013 7:46 am

livinginblurredlines wrote:Not to sound contentious, but why recommend a vibrator, a machine no man can match? If she learns to O by the massive stimulus of a vibrator, she may not be able to O by "mere flesh."


I have never heard of this happening. If a woman is going to O from her husband's stimulation, a vibrator isn't going to hinder that. If she isn't going to O from her husband's stimulation (and some women just can't), why not at least find some way to O? Sounds better than being frustrated and wanting to quit trying.

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby seeking perspective » Sun Mar 10, 2013 8:09 am

nascent wrote:Hi everyone,

My wife and I got married 6 months ago. We were both virgins, and quite looking forward to sex. Our sex life has been kinda rocky, though, and I'm just trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong...

The fact that it isn't yet working doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It is no reflection on your abilities, your worth as a husband, or your love for your wife.

First of all, my wife has never had an orgasm.


I was married a year and a half before I experienced an orgasm, and it was not from lack of effort on my husband's part or on my own. For me, it was mostly in my head. I had specific expectations of how an orgasm would feel--fireworks! emotional unification with my husband! the most intense pleasure possible! something different than anything I'd experienced before! Well, I had lots of interesting sensations during sex. Sometimes things felt good, and if my husband would keep doing something for a while, gradually increasing in speed and pressure, I'd think, "Okay, this is the time it's finally going to happen." And I would get so focused on "maybe this is it!" that I would lose focus on what the sensations actually were.

I finally decided that I was broken, that there was something wrong with my body and I would never experience an orgasm. I was sad, but I decided that at least I should try to enjoy what sexual sensations I did have. Then one night, I started to feel really good, and as soon as I had the "maybe this is it" thought, I reminded myself to not think that, to just enjoy the sensations. And I started to try to describe in my mind what I was feeling--and as I did this and identified the sensations, I realized that I was in the middle of an orgasm. And I recognized that I'd had those sensations many times before...I'd just never mentally experienced them as orgasm. I'd been so wrapped up in what I thought it was supposed to be that I didn't even recognize what was happening. I'd been having orgasms, but I hadn't experienced them. The key for me was really to stop trying...and after two decades of marriage, I still sometimes have to do that. I have to remind myself to just focus on the different sensations and stop trying to jump over the edge.

She describes feelings as "too intense" and "I can't take it", and would have me stop. Sometimes she describes it as "awkward" or "uncomfortable", which generally makes me feel like an awful lover... but other times she says I'm really good at making her "feel good". I don't know what to think. I ask her all the time what feels good and if something feels rough or painful, if I should try faster, slower, more pressure, less pressure, something different; she usually doesn't know, or just wants to stop completely.

Just keep trying. Is the awkwardness and discomfort physical or mental? I found it easier to relax and enjoy when the lights were off when I was trying to get comfortable with my body sexually. Really, sexually activity is weird compared to anything else, so working on the relaxation and comfort can help. If she says you are helping her feel good, then just keep doing those things. Gradually add speed or pressure, and sometimes back off a bit. Don't stimulate your wife with the goal of orgasm; do it with the goal of helping her get comfortable with a variety of sexual sensations.


In general it's really hard for me to arouse her, and when she is aroused, it doesn't last. ... She said before we were married she would get aroused all the time when she was with me, but after we were married, she didn't feel aroused "at all."


What does she mean that she would get aroused before you were married? What were you doing then that she found so arousing? If it was talking about how much you loved her, or using conversation to build intimacy, or looking at her a certain way....are you still doing those things? Physical arousal for me is easiest when I am emotionally aroused. Even now, it is when my husband looks me in the eyes and tells me he loves me deeply that I most want to ::xx . Arousal is mental as well as physical, so continue to work on connecting with her emotionally.

My wife initiates sex sometimes, and says she really enjoys it sometimes as well... but just doesn't seem sexually aroused. To me it seems like she would choose cuddling over sex any time (and we almost always cuddle a lot before and after sex.)

Keep on doing this!

I agree with the suggestions for your wife to spend some time getting to know her own body, either alone or with you present. The goal does not have to be orgasm. It can just be for the purpose of adding to the list of things that she knows feel good on her. And maybe some of your couple sessions can be totally about her--again, not with orgasm as a goal. Just say, "Okay, honey, lie back. I'm going to just explore your body a little bit. I want to know what feels good and what doesn't without putting any pressure on you." Take everything slowly--more slowly than you think you should.

Invite your wife to TMB so she can get some direct support from some of the women here. She is blessed to have a husband who wants her to experience physical joy with him.
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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby livinginblurredlines » Sun Mar 10, 2013 8:40 am

Mrs. Tomorrow wrote:
livinginblurredlines wrote:Not to sound contentious, but why recommend a vibrator, a machine no man can match? If she learns to O by the massive stimulus of a vibrator, she may not be able to O by "mere flesh."


I have never heard of this happening. If a woman is going to O from her husband's stimulation, a vibrator isn't going to hinder that. If she isn't going to O from her husband's stimulation (and some women just can't), why not at least find some way to O? Sounds better than being frustrated and wanting to quit trying.


For me, mbing too often or using something of greater stimulation, makes it harder for hubby to stimulate me, and makes O's from him less intense. I have read a post recently of a wife who only O's from vibrators and wishes to O from hubby, but it is a huge challenge. I have also read comments in blog posts to the same effect. I would try mbing by hand first and at least another 6 month's of hubby trying before employing a machine to do the job. But that's just my opinion.

A did a google search on the subject and there does seem to be an issue.

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby Blovesme » Sun Mar 10, 2013 9:46 am

Mrs. Tomorrow wrote:have you considered getting her a vibrator having her learn to O with that?


+1

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby blushingwife » Sun Mar 10, 2013 10:02 am

In my experience, using vibrators does not affect my ability to orgasm through other means. In fact, having a vibrator removes the frustration I used to feel wondering whether I would O at all or not (it used to take me a long time to orgasm through MB, so I never had Os with my husband for the first 10 years of marriage) Knowing I will O one way or another because I have a vibrator as a back up, makes the whole experience more fun and relaxing, thus making me more likely to have other types of O.

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby littledinobug » Sun Mar 10, 2013 10:14 am

livinginblurredlines wrote:
Mrs. Tomorrow wrote:In addition to mamame's question, I would ask: what lube are you using, and have you considered getting her a vibrator having her learn to O with that?


Not to sound contentious, but why recommend a vibrator, a machine no man can match? If she learns to O by the massive stimulus of a vibrator, she may not be able to O by "mere flesh."

I want to add that I could not O via PIV because the stimulation felt like I had to urinate and wasn't comfortable. A dear lady on here told me to.push past that feeling knowing an O is most likely on the other side and I have to train my body. Sure enough, she was right. Your wife may have to concentrate on and work through those different feelings and sensations which may seem odd and unpleasant. Her O may be on the other side.


Dude, Moe got me a Sybian a few years ago for Christmas. Yes...that industrial sex machine...I *still* O with Moe and I much prefer with him than with the sybian.
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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby InGodsGrace » Sun Mar 10, 2013 11:00 am

Mrs. Tomorrow wrote:
livinginblurredlines wrote:Not to sound contentious, but why recommend a vibrator, a machine no man can match? If she learns to O by the massive stimulus of a vibrator, she may not be able to O by "mere flesh."


I have never heard of this happening. If a woman is going to O from her husband's stimulation, a vibrator isn't going to hinder that. If she isn't going to O from her husband's stimulation (and some women just can't), why not at least find some way to O? Sounds better than being frustrated and wanting to quit trying.


Or how about the husband use the vibe on the wife? Nothing wrong with using vibrator, a wonderful tool to use for orgasm, either solo or the husband using it in the wife.

Not sure what blogs you are reading living, but those blogs are seriously misguided. A blog is an opinion of ONE person, as you read this board (with A LOT more opinions) and the majority of women learn to orgasm either by masturbating with or without a vibrator.

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby beautyfromashes » Sun Mar 10, 2013 2:54 pm

I had been MB'ing for years, and I still had trouble O'ing during sex with Hubby in the early days. A small bullet vibe on my clitoris during sex did the trick nicely. ;) Once I learned how to O during sex with Hubby, I gradually got rid of the vibe. Now I don't even remember the last time I used it. In fact, I prefer non-vibrating toys these days.
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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby Arogen » Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:23 pm

First, don't get discouraged, it took my DW a lot longer than that to have her first O once she started working on trying to have one. She often said the same things as your DW, that it was too intense etc.

I really need DW to let me know moment by moment what to do when manually stimulating her. Different things give her good stimulation at different times in the same session, so she needs to give me that feedback. She may start out only able to bear the lightest of feather touches and be the end want me to really go to town on the same spot once she is aroused, at one time she might want me stimulating her through the clitoral hood, other times directly on the tip of the clitoris etc. It takes some practice to build of a menu of things that work sometimes, so she can let you know what she needs at the moment. Also, use a good lube so you don't create unpleasant friction for her. She isn't going to O if she is feeling or worried about feeling pain.

She also has to learn to relax through the stimulation, and for my DW that took over a year. I would stimulate her to the point where she said that was enough and we'd go to PIV, and bit by bit she would stay relaxed longer let it go further until she started having O's. It started being a very pleasurable experience for her long before she got to the point of having her first O.

If you are using lube and PIV is still painful for her I would recommend her seeing a doctor about it.

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby thejourney » Mon Jan 27, 2014 4:14 am

I see everyone telling you not to get discouraged, which is true...but i know its hard not too! Let me say add this though....you need to pay CLOSE attention to your and her emotions and make sure sex remains TOTALLY positive. It sounds like your both feeling like failures. You are probably close to creating "sexual aversion". This is where a partner has so many negative feelings associated with sex that they want to avoid it. They start to get anxious about sex and all of that negative emotion makes it all muchhh harder. Its a snowball effect.

Dont worry too much about trying to "make" her orgasm....just tell her to let you know if she will or not so you dont stop just before or something. If you keep licking her for a hour, she probably knew 45 minutes ago that she wouldnt. You dont want her to get in a place where she feels ashamed of herself or like shes terrible at sex because she cant O.

Remember this...to avoid this turning into sexual aversion over time you want ur sex to be emotional, relaxing, expression of love. It needs to ALWAYS be a positive experience for her...even if no O, it can still be an emotionally positive experience. You want her to associate sex with ALL positive emotions, NOT stress, anxiety, dissapointment, ect.

Have sex, if she doesnt think she can O, trust her, tell her you loved it and it felt awesome, hug on her, cuddle, ect. Start telling her shes hot and turns u on...tell her when ur away, text it, ect....in short....help her feel sexual and desired....eventually she will get into things, feel sexual, and start to orgasm!

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Re: Wife has never had an orgasm... a little lost...

Postby MacG » Wed Apr 23, 2014 10:43 am

Don't give up. It took eight years before for my wife would try to use a vibe to finally O.


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