O Dilemma

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
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SeekingChange
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O Dilemma

Postby SeekingChange » Fri May 09, 2014 11:51 pm

It seems that I've run into a dilemma.

I have always been one who has been able to O from PIV the majority of the time, but it requires focus. I am also one when I do O, things can become painfully sensitive and all pleasure seems to disappear, which nixes multiples.

Since becoming "generous", I have stepped up my "activity" and try to "participate" and initiate more in different areas. I want to show my husband that I do love him, I desire him and that I am fully engaged with him. The problem, now I can't O during PIV because I seem to be unable to focus on sensations to build myself up at the same time of being "active". I can either be "active" with kissing, sucking, rubbing, etc so that my husband feels like I want him, or I can just receive what he does, which feels selfish and like he's doing all the work, and then O and often we O at the same time (which seems to be a big deal to my husband.)

The whole "she comes first" doesn't work because of the before mentioned issue, and I would really like to actually enjoy ML with my husband. After he O's, he always makes sure to make me, or at least offer to make me O in another way, but it's not the same. I have been feeling defective because I don't feel like I am working right like I use to.

I mentioned the whole thing briefly tonight and my husband admitted that he also feels defective because he feels like he can no longer make me O with PIV. We have plans to talk about it some more. Does anyone have some suggestions that I can throw into the mix of our conversation as we try to work this out and come up with a solution?

For some of you men, would it bother you for your wife to go back to being less "active" and just receive so that she can O with you and by you alone? If we decide to allow me to focus so I can O, what are other ways that I can make him feel desired in the same setting?
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txtwindad
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Re: O Dilemma

Postby txtwindad » Sat May 10, 2014 5:55 am

One of the best things that happened in our sex life was when my wife began to have difficulties with orgasms. At the time it was extremely frustrating for her. But looking back now I can see it was a real gift. What it did was force us to explore much more. To take much more time.

Reaching orgasm together is fine. That used to be a big goal for us. But frankly, we found we can both have much more powerful orgasms if we take turns rather than reaching orgasm together. We used to do multiples for her, but she rarely wants that now. When we focus on her orgasm and take the time to do it right, her orgasm on a scale of one to ten is about a 35. It wipes her out and she has no interest in more. At least for this season. I have no doubt it will be a different story down the road a bit.

My advice is to look on this as an opportunity to change things up. However that looks for the two of you. There are dozens of ways you can both get to orgasm explore them all. Take your time. Don't be stuck on doing things the way you've always done them.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
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Re: O Dilemma

Postby One-woman man » Sat May 10, 2014 8:18 am

Hi SC.
For some of you men, would it bother you for your wife to go back to being less "active" and just receive so that she can O with you and by you alone? If we decide to allow me to focus so I can O, what are other ways that I can make him feel desired in the same setting?


In answer to your first question, I would say it wouldn't bother me. There is something very special about Oing simultaneously. Many couples can't achieve that, at least not with a degree of regularity. Also, I believe it would be true that most of us men like to know (or at least believe :roll: ) that we had something to do with our DW having a great O! So there are some real positives with that. But, I wouldn't want it to be that way every time. Being less "active" might get "old" after a while. So, does using one approach one day and another approach a different day work for you?

Regarding your second question. I'm not sure I understand your situation fully and might be answering with the wrong nuance. Might you try things in stages? Like, be active and get him aroused but don't allow him to climax in the first stage (i.e. edging). Then go into your stage of focusing on yourself for your O. Then if he Os with you, everything is fine. Or if he hasn't yet, you can help him reach his O in the third stage. (I hope that doesn't sound weird because I might have misunderstood your situation.)

Or, after you focus on your own O and reach your climax, are you spent? Or would you have the energy and desire to be "active" in helping him reach his?

Are you also saying you'd like to somehow experience multiples?
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Re: O Dilemma

Postby SeekingChange » Sat May 10, 2014 8:37 am

txtwindad wrote:My advice is to look on this as an opportunity to change things up. However that looks for the two of you. There are dozens of ways you can both get to orgasm explore them all. Take your time. Don't be stuck on doing things the way you've always done them.

We will continue to do this, but it also seems like this is what we've been doing, at least in part. One thing I've noticed, and it can be a mental thing or maybe it plays into the emotional connection, but my O's are better when I actually feel the weight of him on me. Which this also affects things when trying to make up for an O after he's already finished.

One-woman man wrote:Being less "active" might get "old" after a while. So, does using one approach one day and another approach a different day work for you?

I have been thinking about this, and I am sure it would work. There are just days in my cycle where I just don't have much sensation and it seems to take forever for me if at all to get worked up. These would be times where it would be perfect to make it all about him.

One-woman man wrote: Might you try things in stages? Like, be active and get him aroused but don't allow him to climax in the first stage (i.e. edging). Then go into your stage of focusing on yourself for your O. Then if he Os with you, everything is fine. Or if he hasn't yet, you can help him reach his O in the third stage.

Or, after you focus on your own O and reach your climax, are you spent? Or would you have the energy and desire to be "active" in helping him reach his?

I also have thought about this and I have done it some especially in the beginning of the year of change. Focusing on him first, so that I than can focus on me does work better. About the 3rd stage, there's usually no need for it, because me Oing usually is all that is needed for him to O as well...that is why we usually go "together".

One-woman man wrote: Are you also saying you'd like to somehow experience multiples?

Not necessarily. It's not a goal or focus of mine, but the idea is always in the back of my mind. Maybe I don't know exactly who "multiples" are, but if it means you can O shortly after a previous O, I can physical do it myself, but I can't with my husband. I feel satisfied after one good O. (Which the bests ones are usually with PIV which is what I am having a problem with. :? )
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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CandC320
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Re: O Dilemma

Postby CandC320 » Sat May 10, 2014 2:10 pm

I want my DW to concentrate on her O first and not be concerned with mine. Mine will come in due time and if I go for an extended time, she may have another. :D

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Re: O Dilemma

Postby OldBear » Sat May 10, 2014 9:07 pm

SeekingChange wrote:I have always been one who has been able to O from PIV the majority of the time, but it requires focus. I am also one when I do O, things can become painfully sensitive and all pleasure seems to disappear, which nixes multiples.

For some of you men, would it bother you for your wife to go back to being less "active" and just receive so that she can O with you and by you alone? If we decide to allow me to focus so I can O, what are other ways that I can make him feel desired in the same setting?


SC . . . thought I'd respond to the above areas of concern, working from the last to first comment.

No, it does not bother me that Mrs. Oldbear is less active on me during our LMing building toward her O. The present tense is used, as this is our current preference. Why? It just developed over time. In our younger days our preference was simultaneous PIV Os in the missionary position. As she aged, her body and response (particularly during and through menopause) changed - it takes more focus for her and a consistent, even ramp-up. Perhaps as my generosity changed, I find it that my focus on her (we prefer 'she comes first') ramps me up. You asked, 'in what ways can I make him feel desired?' You'll need to explore your own ways to do so - talk, experiment, relax, and be patient. In our case, we start out slowly and both have our hands, mouths, etc. active on each other. Then she relaxes and begins to focus on herself as she invites me to her breast (although this may not be your mutual desire, we have found that breast time ramps both of us up quickly and intensely). In this way, she is 'active' on me (I'm enjoying her) as she is 'active' on herself. We see our preferred way to ML as generous, and neither of us has a sense of selfishness. You aren't selfish to desire to address your O dilemma in a way that works well for you!

Mrs. Oldbear is not and never has been multi-orgasmic. She does peak multiple times, but if not careful she'll O and it is extremely intense. As you, once she Os she is not interested in any stimulation on her except for me to PIV O. Again, as the years have gone by, she has relished our sequence - her first (she masturbates to her O) and then she focuses on me during my PIV O (her hands and mouth are busying me). In her case, PIV after her O is not sensitive, in fact she enjoys it.

Hope this helps.

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Re: O Dilemma

Postby SeekingChange » Mon May 12, 2014 8:16 am

Thanks to all for your answers and stories, it's given me more to keep in mind and to think about. I will definitely make sure my husband gets some attention! It has been a reassurance to him and I to have two nights in a row back to "normal". ::alarm Things are "working" like they use to, no extra"bells and whistles" needed. This has connected us even more. He knows he "still has it", and I don't feel defective. It was a good reminder for me that more is not always better.

ETA: This also opened up more communication between us where I have shared more of what works and doesn't work.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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