"Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marriage

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
LoveIsSweet
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"Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marriage

Postby LoveIsSweet » Fri Aug 01, 2014 11:44 am

I woke yesterday morning while apparently having an orgasm in my sleep. No sexual dream. In fact, I was dreaming about helping guide a plane down to safety as a resistance fighter in WWII. Nothing remotely sexual! And as I awoke, I was engulfed in sadness that I couldn't shake for the rest of the day. Sad that I was orgasming alone, not with my husband. Sad that apparently I can orgasm without any stimulation, but I rarely orgasm when we are together.

1. My first question: is an orgasm whilst asleep normal?

I asked DH later, and he said I wasn't making noises or behaving sexually. It shocked him that I would orgasm while sleeping, and he seemed sad, although he said he didn't think I was dirty for having done so. I felt so incredibly sad after the experience, not satisfied. I've experienced orgasm while sleeping (or, rather, waking during or at the end of an orgasm) when I was single, but this is the first since we'd been married 10 months ago. I am sexually frustrated and have been for the majority of our marriage, but having a sleeping orgasm has really thrown me for a loop emotionally right now.

2. My second question: if indeed this is normal, why am I able to orgasm while sleeping, without my husband and without sexual stimulation, and yet have difficulty reaching orgasm when we are together sexually?

I know I'm wired for it--it's not like I've never had an orgasm with him. I've experienced wonderful times with him (and not-so-wonderful, but I am grateful for anything at this point!), but our sexual intimacy has a lot of room to grow, in my experience. I don't get it--he seems sad that I don't orgasm with him, but he has not studied or really tried to bring that about consistently, and he can go for weeks without a hint of sexual expression or desire towards me.

There are sometimes reasons why I know my orgasm doesn't happen: he manually stimulates me and then stops as I get closer (or rather, he gives up and says it's too painful); he is stimulating me, but I watch his face and see grimaces, which kills it for me; or he just doesn't try anything to help facilitate my orgasm, just does PIV (which nowadays I don't even know if he really wants or if it's pity sex). There have been times, though, when it seems to me that I should be able to orgasm, and I can't/don't. And I don't know if it is a situation of "can't" (meaning, a physical problem) or "don't," meaning my brain and emotions are too caught up in the worries about that particular experience, how he is behaving (or not behaving), wondering if he really desires me or is just "getting it over with," etc. Or is it both "can't" and "don't"?

******
Please--don't suggest masturbation. Sadness from a dream and being alone is enough. Masturbation might bring physical release (which I know is something I need), but I don't think I can handle the emotional cost of release-that-confirms-my-husband-doesn't-sexually-desire-me.

Don't suggest a vibe. I bought one for us for Christmas, which he tried on me once. It was an intense experience, but the vibe now languishes in a drawer. And honestly? I long for him, not a vibe.

And please, don't suggest oral. My heart's pretty raw about that as it is. He's made it pretty clear that putting any part of him other than his genitals near my genitals is unpleasant to him, much less his mouth. I gave him "She Comes First" once (not realizing it was written by a secular author), and that tanked our already-low sex life for months. He likes my breasts, at least, but he seems to touch my vulva/clitoris manually because he has to, not because it brings him any pleasure.

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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby ren » Fri Aug 01, 2014 12:55 pm

I'm going to ask a lot of questions. Some of them might seem a little upfront (harsh?) but I really think the answers will help me and other posters offer advice. I've had plenty of sexual issues and am not an expert -- some of these questions I'm asking because I've seen them on other threads here and they sound like they could fit, some of them come from my own experiences. Feel free to not answer any that you don't feel comfortable answering, but I do think lack of answers to some of these will limit how much help we can be here.

Could you clarify why your husband isn't that interested in sex and what has been done about it? I'm seeing some mental blocks (unwillingness to do oral, grimacing while manually stimulating you) and possibly physical ones. What is painful about manually stimulating you?

If he isn't interested in sex, has he been checked out by his doctor? Or is he interested in sex in general but having issues with you wanting pleasure from it (wanting more than he wants to give -- which, by the way, I think you're totally justified wanting in this situation)?

Does he have physical problems (PE, ED, Low T) that could cause disinterest in sex? Or depression? Medications?

You said he's bothered by She Comes First being written by a secular author. Why is that? He read the book, so I'm guessing he doesn't necessarily believe sex is only for men.

Is he against you performing oral on him? (I'm trying to gauge whether this is a general hygiene issue for him or something else).

I'm going to say that if you're having O's in your sleep it's probably a mental problem. You know your husband isn't enjoying it so you can't relax enough to get that release.

I have some suggestions . . . depending on the answers to these questions. Some of what you said about your husband not seeming interested in sex rang a bell for me, but ours was a communication issue so I think some of my suggestions could make things worse.

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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby jokerman » Fri Aug 01, 2014 1:06 pm

You seemed to answer your second question about why you have difficulty reaching orgasm with your husband. In your words, he stimulates you then stops. He doesn't try anything to help. Your sex life is already low, and helpful books like She Comes First are viewed as too secular or too icky and he's so upset he engages in sex even less. He touches your genitals only because he has to. He doesn't like the idea of OS. He doesn't express intimate words.

I read your other thread, and it seems you guys have been struggling with this stuff since Day One. Did you ever find counsel? Is he still off the depression meds? Should he be back on them?

It's pretty obvious he has issues with intimacy. Whether that stems from religious upbringing, low T, hangups, or some sort of rigidity of thinking (touch of Aspergers, for example), you should seek some help. If he's not willing to get help, then he owes you at least a discussion of these matters. The fact that you have been married less than a year and are already despairing over your sex life does not bode well.

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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby CandC320 » Fri Aug 01, 2014 2:50 pm

For what its worth, there is a thread about women having an orgasm in their sleep. Its not uncommon.

viewtopic.php?f=96&t=61343&p=974293&hilit=sleep+orgasm#p974293

LoveIsSweet
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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby LoveIsSweet » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:10 pm

Thank you--I tried searching, but apparently didn't know the best search terms!! It is helpful to know this experience isn't completely abnormal!


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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby LoveIsSweet » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:11 pm

Ren and jokerman, I am thinking through your questions and points--thanks. Probably not able to post answers right away.


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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby LoveIsSweet » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:15 pm

As for my husband's physical pain, he experienced a shoulder injury last Fall. Three months of chiropractic, physical therapy, MRI, orthopedic surgeon consult, etc., and the end diagnosis was "there's nothing wrong." Except he is still in pain. It's neuropathological now.

The pain affects everything, although he is stronger than he was around the first of the year. I don't understand how the pain affects his ability to manually stimulate me, but he says it does, and I believe him.

When I see him grimace, I don't know if his grimaces are from pain, from wishing I would finish, or a combination of both.


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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby LoveIsSweet » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:21 pm

Oral sex isn't a problem if I am giving it to him. He has requested that in the past as alternative to PIV if he felt there was too much pain for PIV.

He hasn't said directly, but I know he doesn't like how I smell or taste (I asked him once to tell me and he wouldn't answer). I've tried showering, shaving, etc., but he hasn't tried OS on me in several months. When he tried OS it was usually less than 30 seconds.


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"Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marriage

Postby LoveIsSweet » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:27 pm

He and I did talk more tonight. For the first time he admitted out loud, "your biggest need/way of receiving affection is physical, but you married a guy with pretty much no sex drive. I've been trying to meet that need, but I am a terrible lover. And I don't know what to do about it." He did say that he had no idea his drive was that low prior to us marrying, and I do believe him (though if I think about that hard enough, I start wondering what on earth is wrong with me to kill his sex drive...which isn't what he was trying to communicate).

I asked him in February (I think) to go see a doctor and get numbers checked. He got as far as finding a clinic but has yet to choose a doctor or make an appointment.


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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby LoveIsSweet » Fri Aug 01, 2014 7:37 pm

I have suggested marriage counsel numerous times. He is very hesitant for several reasons, one of which is because he says he has never seen marriage counseling work out well for the couple--that the counselor always takes one spouse's side or the other and/or pits them against each other.

He is fine with me choosing to go by myself somewhere, although we really don't have the funds right now.


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ren
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Re:

Postby ren » Fri Aug 01, 2014 10:01 pm

LoveIsSweet wrote:He and I did talk more tonight. For the first time he admitted out loud, "your biggest need/way of receiving affection is physical, but you married a guy with pretty much no sex drive. I've been trying to meet that need, but I am a terrible lover. And I don't know what to do about it." He did say that he had no idea his drive was that low prior to us marrying, and I do believe him (though if I think about that hard enough, I start wondering what on earth is wrong with me to kill his sex drive...which isn't what he was trying to communicate).


This jumped out at me. My husband and I were ... inexperienced would be a kind way to put it, when we married. DH was very concerned about his ability to please me and it totally threw him when he couldn't make me O from PIV. Two years in and we still haven't managed it, though I can get close. He felt like he was a terrible lover, too (he used very similar wording, though I don't remember exactly what he said). I don't know if it negatively affected his drive . . . but we were having sex drive communication issues, so I don't think we're a good case study for that.

Is it possible that your husband is not very confident in his ability to please a woman and feels less confident because he married a high drive wife, which then becomes a cycle and leaves him not wanting sex?

If he thinks he's small or is already concerned about his sexual performance and then you are unsatisfied, that could be a huge blow to his confidence.

Also -- in terms of oral on you . . . would flavored lubricants work for him? We have some really nice strawberry and vanilla cupcake ones from Pure Romance (beware of their site if you're easily offended, but I don't think it has any actual nudity on it). They smell fairly strong and I would say they cover up any natural scents. We haven't been doing oral lately (complicated, not hijacking your thread) but when we were I was a bit squeamish about the idea so we'd start in the shower and then move to wherever seemed comfy when I was satisfied that we were clean enough. I have this thing about water in my face and not feeling able to breathe, so I didn't perform oral on DH in the shower. Given what I have read of your responses, I don't think this going to be your fix-all for oral sex and I wish I could offer more -- but this is a thought that might help.

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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby mamame » Sat Aug 02, 2014 1:15 pm

Is start with bringing up the doctor visit again. There are some good threads around here full of wisdom.

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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby CandC320 » Mon Aug 04, 2014 11:08 am

Testosterone levels need to be checked to see if that is a cause of his lack of libido. If he feels that he is a poor lover, there are a lot of good books and resources to help in that area. Praying for you both. DH

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Re: "Sleeping O's," O Problems, & Sexually-Frustrated Marria

Postby klancy » Sun Oct 05, 2014 9:18 pm

I don't want to alarm you, or insult you or your husband, but I noticed no one else mentioned this as a possibility, but porn and/or masturbation will also curb a man's sex drive for his wife, and his willingness to work at pleasuring her. Its been a while, and we're not sure where you are at now, but perhaps it is something to consider - it is so common today, even among Christian men. I wish someone would have mentioned it earlier in my trials with my husband. Blessings to you!
Enjoy what you have rather than desiring what you don't have. Just dreaming about nice things is meaningless - like chasing the wind. -Ecclesiastes 6:9


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