Praying for patience

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
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platypusofdeath
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Praying for patience

Postby platypusofdeath » Sat Aug 02, 2014 9:10 pm

Hi! I've been lurking around for a while, but this is my first post. I feel a little awkward baring so much of my soul when I haven't met any of you yet, but I don't have anyone to talk to about these things IRL. Sorry for the length! 8)

Husband and I are recovering from a difficult time in our marriage. We have been married 8 years. For the first year or so, we enjoyed a great sex life. However, after that, due to a medical condition, I lost pretty much all libido and sensation and was not interested in sex at all. I just really did not want to be touched in any way. Pretty much all sexual activity we had was just for him, and I didn't enjoy it at all. In fact, I dreaded it most of the time. I felt terrible about this, because he could obviously tell I wasn't into it and that was hurtful to him. I wondered why I couldn't just be a normal person and enjoy sex like everyone else. I became extremely bitter when it came to thinking about sex. A few years later, we discovered my medical condition and I started treatment. Things got better, but they got exponentially better after I quit hormonal BC. My interest started coming back. It took a few more months to really feel normal again, but now... I'M BACK! With a vengeance!

Problem is, things don't bounce back to normal all of a sudden. My poor husband is understandably gun-shy after several years of difficulties. He still approaches me carefully in the bedroom, and it's a long-ingrained habit to break. In February of this year, I was able to O for the first time, and it changed everything. I feel ALIVE. I started, for the first time, really learning about my body and what I like so I can communicate it to him. I almost feel like I'm on a crusade to make up for my 8 years of not experiencing what my husband has always been able to experience! I want things to suddenly be better than they are, but they are not. Husband and I are both frustrated, for different reasons, about this process of us learning my body and how to make things happen. I so desperately want us to get to the point where we can have this effortless, incredible sex that we both deserve, but it is taking a while. Sex right now often comes with frustration. We're basically newlyweds again, having to learn how to do everything (including foreplay, since I didn't want or allow much of that when I was sick), but in a very different phase of our relationship and a lot more baggage. I know we will get there, but sometimes it feels like I will have to depend on my trusty vibe forever. I don't want that; I want DH! I just wish I could fast-forward to when we have figured all of this out.

All that is to say that we really need prayer and I really need moral support. I don't want to live with the emptiness of not being able to experience pleasure by my husband. I need that wholeness. He needs confidence. We both need patience and healing.

Thanks for listening.
"Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on." -Led Zeppelin

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby Hiswifeagain » Sat Aug 02, 2014 10:23 pm

Praying for you both tonight PPOD

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You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Isaiah 26:3

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby CandC320 » Mon Aug 04, 2014 11:01 am

Patience and prayer. It may take a little while but the journey will be worth it! Praying for you both.

DH

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby platypusofdeath » Wed Aug 06, 2014 5:04 pm

Thank you both. I guess I need some advice on getting the intimacy back that we lost during our bad times. I feel like I really need to work on that in order to feel "lost" in it when we are making love. It seems like so many here have that, but I'm not sure how to get there myself. :(

I have only really been back to enjoying sex for less than a year, and have only been able to O for about 6 months, so I know we haven't been working on us all that long in the big scheme of things, but it seems like an eternity when we still don't have the heat and effortlessness and familiarity that I know we can have. In all these years, we have developed certain habits in the bedroom that aren't going to work now, and I don't know how to break out of them. I feel like I have broken some of the habits, but it seems like my poor husband is often not quite sure how to handle the new me. I just feel like a little kid who is waiting to grow up. I want to skip all the interim and just arrive, you know?

I appreciate any and all advice from those who have been there, done that in regards to a difficult learning process.
"Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on." -Led Zeppelin

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby InGodsGrace » Wed Aug 06, 2014 5:24 pm

I'll stand with you for healing. Patience is one of the fruits of the spirit, you already have all the patience you will need.

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby librarian » Wed Aug 06, 2014 7:05 pm

Sister, your husband has been taught over the years, and you're right. He's not going to spring back; you are going to have to be the one to show him that he is safe with you. One of our regulars has a blog entitled "Forgiven Wife". Go back to her very first post, a year and a half ago, and read everything she's written. Take notes.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. - Emo Phillips

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Aug 06, 2014 7:42 pm

For the first six months after I began my efforts to be a sexually generous wife, my husband wasn't even sure my changes were real. It took two years before he felt safe enough to ask me for something new sexually. It's now been almost four years, and he mostly trusts me, although sometimes mistrust surfaces, just as my old habits do from time to time.

There is no skipping over the process of healing and recovery. Just as it takes us time to change our bad habits, it takes our husbands time to change the responses our bad habits trained them into.

Fortunately, it is this very process of healing, together, that helps build the intimacy and familiarity you're craving.

What are some of the habits you're currently wanting to change? I worked on just one thing at a time and broke everything into tiny baby steps. Progress was slow, but it happened--and my marriage just keeps getting stronger and stronger.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: Praying for patience

Postby platypusofdeath » Wed Aug 06, 2014 9:35 pm

@seeking perspective: Namely him taking charge/being bold and more foreplay. I didn't allow him to do much for a long time, so I get why he is afraid to just do what he wants. I have talked to him about both of these things, but as you said, change is slow. I would suggest things other than just "longer" on the foreplay front, except that due to our bad times, I'm afraid I'm a bit crippled in that area, too. We are working on how/where to touch me down below, and most of the time, it just feels clinical. I'm sure that will be helped with better foreplay, but ::arg ! Things are just going slow, even though we are worlds different than we were this time last year, and I'm not sure how to get past the clinical and into the pleasurable!
"Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on." -Led Zeppelin

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby platypusofdeath » Wed Aug 06, 2014 9:37 pm

@librarian: Thank you for this link! I can so relate to her story. Reading now...
"Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on." -Led Zeppelin

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby librarian » Wed Aug 06, 2014 9:51 pm

platypusofdeath wrote:@seeking perspective: Namely him taking charge/being bold and more foreplay. I didn't allow him to do much for a long time, so I get why he is afraid to just do what he wants. I have talked to him about both of these things, but as you said, change is slow. I would suggest things other than just "longer" on the foreplay front, except that due to our bad times, I'm afraid I'm a bit crippled in that area, too. We are working on how/where to touch me down below, and most of the time, it just feels clinical. I'm sure that will be helped with better foreplay, but ::arg ! Things are just going slow, even though we are worlds different than we were this time last year, and I'm not sure how to get past the clinical and into the pleasurable!


Another resource for you and the Hubs, so you can learn to do it right: Intimate Couples has a ton of great info, and this page is going to be where you and the boy start. The links down the right side are a basic Foreplay 101 course. From what I read, neither of you, even though you've been married several years, really knows much about intimacy. The tips and techniques that the Intimate Couples page gives are great. However, one thing that I think I am hearing is that neither of your really understand arousal, especially for women. Reading this article, by TMB's owner, will explain the necessity of foreplay to create arousal, which stimulates desire.

There you have it, the how and the why. The last thing that you really need to communicate to your hubs, and it will take time for him to believe it, is that this isn't something that will go away, that you are committed to it, for life. seeking perspective said,
There is no skipping over the process of healing and recovery.

I had a professor in grad school who would tell us that we can't pole vault over the process. It took time and effort to make your hubs what he is; it's going to require time and effort to help him change, as well. God doesn't do Jedi Mind Tricks™; He is going to use your efforts and His grace to help your hubs.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. - Emo Phillips

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby seeking perspective » Thu Aug 07, 2014 10:50 am

platypusofdeath wrote:Namely him taking charge/being bold and more foreplay. I didn't allow him to do much for a long time, so I get why he is afraid to just do what he wants.


I'm curious about the taking charge/being bold bit. What do you mean? Are you referring to him making the decisions about how to proceed or asking for specific positions or activities, or do you mean that you'd like him to shove you up against the wall and have his way with you? I've had a couple thoughts swirling around in my head, but their usefulness depends on what you mean.

One thing that I struggled with was expressing my own sexual desires and preferences. I really didn't know what I wanted because I hadn't allowed myself to fully experience sex for so long. I did find that what helped foreplay feel less like clinical touching was to ask my husband to spend some time (say, ten minutes) touching me in non-sexual places--my face, my neck, my back, my legs, etc. That helped me relax and it helped my husband become more tuned in to how I respond to good touch versus tolerable touch. Non-sexual touching is like foreplay for foreplay for me.

We also began (after about 2 1/2 years, I think) to have more sexual encounters that were primarily for one or the other of us. We learned to really focus on the other person's sexual pleasure. Because this wasn't something we'd done before (despite sex being mostly for my husband for so long), we didn't have bad habits to unlearn. I learned to think about prolonging or enhancing my husband's pleasure instead of just getting it over with. He learned to look at my arousal and stimulation as something other than getting me ready for intercourse. If you are ready, you might want to try announcing to your husband that you're going to rock his world with no expectations from him. You might both enjoy it!
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Re: Praying for patience

Postby Bear » Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:32 am

seeking perspective wrote:
We also began (after about 2 1/2 years, I think) to have more sexual encounters that were primarily for one or the other of us....

...I learned to think about prolonging or enhancing my husband's pleasure instead of just getting it over with. He learned to look at my arousal and stimulation as something other than getting me ready for intercourse....


$0.02. This helped DW and I a lot.

Changing the concept from 'foreplay to coreplay' has been very fruitful.
The same women who are ready to defend their men through thick and thin are...lucid about...the thickness of his head.
Love is not blind; that is the last thing it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.
-GK Chesterton

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby platypusofdeath » Thu Aug 07, 2014 7:13 pm

seeking perspective wrote: I'm curious about the taking charge/being bold bit. What do you mean? Are you referring to him making the decisions about how to proceed or asking for specific positions or activities, or do you mean that you'd like him to shove you up against the wall and have his way with you? I've had a couple thoughts swirling around in my head, but their usefulness depends on what you mean.


Well, some of both, honestly. Oftentimes, I know he is waiting on me to make the next move. When I don't, and I try to wait on him to move things forward, he will hang back and say something like "I'm not sure what you want." I tell him that I want him to do what he wants, but he is timid about it. (And it is my fault, I know.). I do also wish he would occasionally be more aggressive in the bed--I think it would be super hot and heavy. :oops:

The non-sexual touching idea is good. I read a blog a while back that had 31 days of intimacy challenges, and the author talked about a similar thing. So far in our new journey, he has not been very keen on the idea of physical stuff that doesn't lead to sex. I have suggested sometimes that I'd like to make out and just make out, but he says, "why not have sex since we CAN have sex?!" Maybe he will feel more comfortable with that once he trusts that he will be getting some regularly. (See, I have been reading the Forgiven Wife blog and taking notes!!)

I think I will take you up on the idea of having a session that's all about him. I am horrendously sunburned right now, so yesterday, we were fooling around a bit with things that didn't involve my poor burnt legs, and I ended up (TMI) swallowing him for the first time in... I can't even remember. Years. And it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought/remembered. That is one thing he has always wanted but has, frankly, grossed me out. That was a pretty big step for me, but I know it made him very happy, so I can do it again.
"Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on." -Led Zeppelin

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby platypusofdeath » Thu Aug 07, 2014 7:17 pm

Bear wrote:Changing the concept from 'foreplay to coreplay' has been very fruitful.


Coreplay as in making it a core part of the experience rather than auxiliary? Hmm. I like that perspective! Good advice. :D
"Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on." -Led Zeppelin

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Re: Praying for patience

Postby Bear » Fri Aug 08, 2014 6:01 am

^ Alas, not original... But was a useful perspective for us.

From 'She Comes First' IIRC. (A good, although secular, resource.)
The same women who are ready to defend their men through thick and thin are...lucid about...the thickness of his head.
Love is not blind; that is the last thing it is. Love is bound; and the more it is bound the less it is blind.
-GK Chesterton


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