It goes into hiding

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
lookin2Him
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It goes into hiding

Postby lookin2Him » Thu Apr 23, 2015 1:02 pm

I need to phrase this delicately so as not to disrespect my DW, but I have a question.

Before marriage, I read the typical books to prepare for sex. Since marriage, I've read even more. Most information about the clitoris says that it is 'erectile tissue' similar to a penis and that during the 'phases' of sex, changes happen to the size of the clitoris and the clitoral hood. Mainly that the clitoris becomes larger and more erect and therefore more sensitive and easier to locate.

It doesn't seem to happen that way for us. After some foreplay, the labia seem to enlarge and the clitoris goes into hiding. How can I stimulate something I can't find? Orgasm is elusive when the primary player goes MIA (Missing In Action). Am I all wrong on my information, or is this common? Please Help.

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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby Ballad » Thu Apr 23, 2015 2:32 pm

That is the normal occurrence as the point of maximum arousal approaches. I've heard speculation that this protects the glans clitoris from unpleasant overstimulation.

A good book that describes how female physiology works is She Comes First by Ian Kerner. I'd definitely recommend it. :D
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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby seeking perspective » Thu Apr 23, 2015 3:18 pm

The clitoris inhabits much more of the pelvic region than we actually think. The diagrams here may give you some ideas of where you can stroke your wife to enhance her clitorial sensation. If you are able to locate the clitoral hood and press on or around it, that may do the trick.
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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby George B. » Fri Apr 24, 2015 2:34 am

from what I understand, this is the normative experience for most women. The enlarged labia help protect the clitoris from overstimulation. It's still there, though, and can be stimulated. I would suggest you take some time to experiment with what kind of stimulation she likes best during this phase of arousal. You may not need to find it, per se, but just stimulate around it. Also, every woman is different and every clitoris is different, just like penises. Some women like more direct clitoral stimulation when they're aroused, and some want much less. Some clitorises start out large and get larger, and others are on the smaller end of things and sort of hide. However, they can all be stimulated, just in different ways.
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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby lookin2Him » Fri Apr 24, 2015 7:12 am

I guess I wasn't detailed enough in the OP. I understand that the clitoris can 'retreat' or get protected once arousal is great, but I'm talking VERY early on. I have a hard time finding it to start with, but it seems to quickly go into hiding. My DW doesn't like to verbalize during sexual encounters, so even asking her "is that it?" is of very little help. I'm not trying to insinuate that there is something wrong with DW, but it can be frustrating when I read that "the clitoris has no other purpose than a woman's pleasure" but DW's plays hide and seek rather than let me show it some attention.

Almost like the 'grower vs shower' comparison guys can have with penis size, can the clitoris be similar? But in reverse?

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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby txtwindad » Fri Apr 24, 2015 7:52 am

It doesn't need to show to be stimulated. You are referring to the clitoral glans. The actual structure of the clitoris is huge wrapping the whole area. The glans is just the part people talk about. Even if the glans is not visible (it rarely is on my wife), it is still accessible for stimulation. You don't have to touch it directly. Manipulating the area that it is hiding in will stimulate it.

You've been married since 1989, if your information is correct. I would suggest that the problem here is not structural, but with communication. Reading "She Comes First" is a great idea so that you understand the anatomy. But, you've got to work on her communication. If she can't use words, she can make sounds or direct your hand, or something. Maybe some exercises to help her signal you in some fashion would help. Or you could have her stimulate herself and pay close attention to where and how she does it.
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Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby lookin2Him » Fri Apr 24, 2015 8:31 am

RE: your 2nd paragraph. Yes, 1989. Like I said, I'm not meaning to imply that there is something wrong with DW physically. I was just wondering if 'hiding' was common. I also knew that the "actual structure ... the whole area", but don't seem to get any response with "manipulating the area". I do agree that communication would help, but that has been lacking from the beginning. "She Comes First" may help me, but is out as far as DW is concerned since (if I understand correctly) is written by a non-Christian. I don't believe she would read it (or appreciate me reading it) for that reason alone. And she will not touch herself, tried to encourage it for learning purposes, but it is not on the table as far as she is concerned.

Once again, this is not meant to 'bash' her, just looking for "anatomical" information really.

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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby Nvr2Late » Fri Apr 24, 2015 9:04 am

I guess I have just one question: does your wife care? I understand your concern and it's commendable, but if she's not complaining, won't touch herself or communicate to you what she likes.... :?:
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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby txtwindad » Fri Apr 24, 2015 9:45 am

lookintohim wrote:"She Comes First" may help me, but is out as far as DW is concerned since (if I understand correctly) is written by a non-Christian. I don't believe she would read it (or appreciate me reading it) for that reason alone.


It's not for her, its for you. There is nothing pornographic in this book. The second section is a bit bizarre (just skip that), but the anatomy section is wonderful. Look on it as a medical book. On this site, many of us we consider it the very best book to help a husband understand the anatomy and get a grasp on how to stimulate his wife.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby lookin2Him » Fri Apr 24, 2015 10:55 am

Nvr2Late wrote:I guess I have just one question: does your wife care? I understand your concern and it's commendable, but if she's not complaining, won't touch herself or communicate to you what she likes.... :?:


No, I don't think she does. But I feel very selfish when I get to enjoy sex in a way she doesn't. I know an O isn't everything (it isn't to her), but I'm trying to make the effort to give pleasure in this way. Our sex life can get very 'one sided'.

txtwindad wrote:
It's not for her, its for you. There is nothing pornographic in this book. The second section is a bit bizarre (just skip that), but the anatomy section is wonderful. Look on it as a medical book. On this site, many of us we consider it the very best book to help a husband understand the anatomy and get a grasp on how to stimulate his wife.


I fully realize that you meant for me. But I'm afraid that even if I tried to incorporate some ideas from it she would be hesitant due to it's authorship. And I really don't like the idea of reading it in secret. Believe me, I have looked it up and a number of times almost bought it but didn't due to my concerns. Honestly, she thinks I read too much about sex anyway. :oops:

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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby seeking perspective » Fri Apr 24, 2015 11:11 am

lookin2Him wrote:But I feel very selfish when I get to enjoy sex in a way she doesn't. I know an O isn't everything (it isn't to her), but I'm trying to make the effort to give pleasure in this way. Our sex life can get very 'one sided'.


Instead of helping her enjoy sex in a way you do and she doesn't, are there some other things you can do to help her experience emotional pleasure through physical contact? I'm thinking about things like caressing her body overall (not just sexual parts), holding her, using words to express your love for her, and so on. What would make the experience pleasurable for her in a way that she would enjoy?
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Re: It goes into hiding

Postby lookin2Him » Fri Apr 24, 2015 5:23 pm

SP, there are certain things she likes that I do do for her. I try to be servant hearted in that way. I've just been puzzling over in my mind the idea that (just maybe) sex would be more fulfulling for her if O was more common. I just thought that this OP idea might be part of the problem.


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