Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
Epilogue7
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Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby Epilogue7 » Tue Oct 06, 2015 1:44 pm

My wife and I have been married for over 3 years now and the topic of sex has always been a sensitive one because it generally ends poorly whenever brought up. My wife has never had an orgasm in her life either by herself or with me and she never looks forward to sex. She says she enjoys it, but I basically have to just wear her down until she gives in to get anywhere, which is extremely frustrating. She just doesn't even remotely seem to care to put in effort. I've tried everything on the scale of romance to surprising her and there's always some reason she's not interested.

Don't get me wrong, we do have sex a decent amount, but it never feels like its something she wants to be doing and its like I'm inconveniencing her day or something. I've been trying to get her to an orgasm since we got married and I hoped that doing so would get her more interested in having sex, but so far there's been zero success. I've gotten her to try pretty much everything and we now have spent hundreds of dollars on an arsenal of toys, some of which are good, but none do the trick. She also won't use them by herself ever.

She had a trauma as a child and so certain things are instantly off the table and I understand that, although I once brought up going to therapy for her trauma to help her and she just gave me the stink eye and the silent treatment the rest of the week. Her upbringing didn't exactly have the greatest viewpoint on sex since, to her mother, it's basically just a chore you're required to do to keep your angry husband happy. I also think she's just wound so tight that she can't relax and enjoy the moment and stop her brain from stressing.

I've read articles and watched videos on how to get her to an orgasm and I've tried just about every trick in the book and most of the time she wants nothing to do with it, especially when its something new. At this point, I have legitimately no idea what else to do. She refuses to get help, won't work on it herself, and continues to deny that it's a problem and doesn't see anything wrong with our sex life. Whenever I try and focus on her too much, she realizes I'm trying to get her to orgasm and it stresses her out and she makes me stop. To this day, I still have no idea what even turns her on or if anything does. I've even asked her and she can't even tell me anything that turns her on.

I just feel like I'm out of options at this point and there's nothing left to try because she's not interested in change because change would imply something was wrong with her. I'm pretty close to just putting a $1000 sybian on a credit card quite honestly.

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Txtwinmom
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby Txtwinmom » Tue Oct 06, 2015 3:42 pm

Your sex life should be an integral part of your marriage not a battle ground. You need to find a way to help your wife understand the importance of sex in marriage. Until your wife gets her "head in the game" no toy or vibe will help her get to orgasm. You are just wasting your money for now. To help us understand what is going on I have a few questions for you.

You said your wife had a trauma I her past, was it a sexual trauma?
Is you wife on hormonal birth control?
Are you and your wife involved in a church?

I'm sure others will have questions. Your answers will help us give you the best possible advise.
"Sex is not the answer, Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer!". Swami X

mushels
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby mushels » Tue Oct 06, 2015 10:50 pm

I've been married for nearly 10 years and only learned to orgasm a few months ago. I enjoyed sex in the beginning and then it also felt like a chore. I never said no and did enjoy the sense of closeness with DH while having sex but I also never sought him out or initiated it. It sounds like your wife might be the same way. Sex was find but just didn't do that much for me.

It sounds like you are at least trying (which my DH did not ever do and I think it was most due to ignorance and not enough info before marriage for both of us). I finally started researching and realized what and orgasm was and how I was supposed to get there. I had always seen masturbating as something wrong which could be how your wife feels as well, hence her not wanting to help herself. After reading around I finally got curious, bought a cheap vibe, and practiced on myself. It took a while but I finally figured it out and then talked to my DH about it and the last few months have been amazing. I am higher drive them him now and enjoy ML so much more. It finally feels good.

I think your wife has to come to the understanding that sex is supposed to be enjoyable and she has to either figure out on her own and then share with you what feels good or be willing to let your explore. Try talking with her again to find out why she is hesitant and then have her read a book on Married sex from a Christian author so she can start to form new ideas and thoughts on sex. It is only when her mind changes that her body will be able to respond.

ghostrider
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby ghostrider » Wed Oct 07, 2015 6:42 am

You wife needs to understand that as a healthy, loving, and unselfish man - you don't just need to get sex, you need to give sex - to her. She must be willing to receive it and open her mind and heart to allowing you to give her pleasure. Holding back is robbing you of the joy of giving that to her.

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C_Brown
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby C_Brown » Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:21 pm

Epilogue7 wrote:she's not interested in change because change would imply something was wrong with her.


Something is wrong with the marriage, and likely you both need to make some changes to fix it. Ignoring it won't fix it and if you both don't work at it then there is a very good chance that the marriage will fall apart at some time in some way. You need to tell her that, but dont' make it sound like some kind of threat to leave her. Hold out the vision of what your marriage could be and ask for her help to work together with you make it a reality, help prevent it from tearing the two of you apart. I expect she is unhappy as well, perhaps for reasons you are oblivious to, and she might feel the cause is hopeless but if you encourage her enough you might get some progress.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

Epilogue7
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby Epilogue7 » Thu Oct 08, 2015 11:33 am

Txtwinmom wrote:You said your wife had a trauma I her past, was it a sexual trauma?
Is you wife on hormonal birth control?
Are you and your wife involved in a church?

- Her past trauma was of a sexual nature and it is the reason oral sex (for her) is off the table
- She was on birth control for several years, but has not been for the last few months
- We had a lot of trouble getting connected to a church when we moved (going, but not involved), but have recently joined a community group
C_Brown wrote: I expect she is unhappy as well, perhaps for reasons you are oblivious to, and she might feel the cause is hopeless but if you encourage her enough you might get some progress.

I know she is unhappy since she has been unhappy for years. She is just never content with where she's at and always looking for the next big thing in life while at the same time feeling stuck. She stubbornly stayed in a [edit] job for 2 years and then recently changed jobs, but is now bored out of her mind. She refuses to look for another job because she keeps holding out for being pregnant. She's unable to fix her situation because she's got everything way too planned out and structured, so she just chooses to have a [edit] life while she waits for the next part of the plan. Every single day, she comes home and complains about her job and life for like an hour or two and refuses to listen to any of my advise. It's pretty frustrating honestly.
mushels wrote:I've been married for nearly 10 years and only learned to orgasm a few months ago.

Your post is probably the most helpful out of everyone's since you had a very similar situation and came out on top of it. I would definitely like her to have at least an equal drive as me so I don't just feel like I'm always taking advantage of her. Do you have any suggestions of things for her to read? I know MOST Christian stuff on sex is pretty terrible stuff honestly and a lot is all high and lofty rather than actually applicable and practical. She doesn't need generic Bible verses thrown at her, she needs a plumbing handbook.


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