Some Instruction Required...

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
FreshlyMinted

Some Instruction Required...

Postby FreshlyMinted » Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:08 pm

To make a long story short:

DW and I are freshly married, and previous to the wedding, we did very little reading on this whole sex thing. Trying to figure it out has been an adventure, but it is definitely presenting a challenge, especially to myself. I'm doing my best, but I can't seem to bring my new wife much sexual pleasure at all, so I thought I should defer to more experienced married couples in this regard. There are a number of other factors that we believe to be causing this situation, so its not just my inexperience(She works for exceedingly long hours, and is often quite tired), but I thought I might as well see if anyone would be willing to give me tips as she and I move forward.

She's the bright star in my life, and after some practice she's been able to give me great pleasure, and I just feel bummed that I can't seem to return the favor as of yet.

Thanks in advance for any advice you guys give me! Any questions are welcome!

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Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby gracehusband » Tue Oct 20, 2015 7:59 pm

First let me say you've come a long way as a "freshly married" husband in recognizing that much of your pleasure is derived from your wife's pleasure. Honestly, I'm surprised at how many guys don't ever seem to get this.

A tired newly wed has a real challenge in wanting to meet what she sees as your sexual expectations while being physically and emotionally drained. (I'm filling in some blanks here) So you can help by taking as much pressure off as possible by doing as many things around the house as you can. Then when it's just to two of you with nothing else left to do, you can offer physical/emotional intimacy where sex is secondary if at all. I know my wife really, really appreciates this after a long day (heck, after any day!)

I've got more but I'm certain others will offer some great ideas too.

Congratulations is in order also!

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txtwindad
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Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby txtwindad » Tue Oct 20, 2015 9:07 pm

What have you tried to bring her to orgasm? Are you stimulating her clitoris manually or orally after lots of warm up?

Is she able to bring herself to orgasm?
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby ghostrider » Wed Oct 21, 2015 7:05 am

Congrats - How freshly married? Did you take a honeymoon?

I believe it is extremely important for newlyweds - especially virgins or "virgins with each other" - to take at least a week and preferably two weeks and get away somewhere to just focus on each other and on intimacy. Its very difficult to learn about and practice sexuality for the first time while working long hours and being tired.

Even if you have already taken a honeymoon, try to plan another trip - even if its something cheap like camping - within the first 6-12 months of your marriage. Once you have kids these opportunities will vanish for a few years and you may regret not having taken more time together.

FreshlyMinted

Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby FreshlyMinted » Wed Oct 21, 2015 7:25 am

We've been married for 2 1/2 weeks, so its not been very long at all. Yes, we did take a honeymoon, roughly 4 days at a resort-esque location, and the remainder of the week back at our new apartment, getting things sorted and preparing to go back into our work lives.

She's going to be removing herself from this particularly horrendous work schedule here in the next couple of weeks, and we're hoping that after some reliable sleep she'll start to feel better both sexually and just physically.

And to answer txtwindad, I've attempted to stimulate her both ways, and while oral is definitely more effective, neither has yet to bring her to O. She has been able to bring herself to orgasm in the past, but we've yet to manage it together.

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Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby southerngent » Wed Oct 21, 2015 7:32 am

Freshly Minted,

It is not unusual for a woman to go a long time before being able to experience orgasm. Please be careful to always be open to help her without pressuring her to provide you with an ego satisfaction.

Almost no committed Christian woman who has avoided sex before marriage doesn't carry some baggage of "good girls just aren't supposed to feel all of that." Even a little of that can make it difficult for her.

The schedule intensity you mentioned certainly could be a factor. For most men, if it is available, and it has been a while (by our standards) that is all it takes for us to be ready to go. Most women need their whole life in order and harmony. And as time goes on, you will realize that achieving that state can ge very difficult.

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Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby ghostrider » Wed Oct 21, 2015 10:09 am

Almost no committed Christian woman who has avoided sex before marriage doesn't carry some baggage of "good girls just aren't supposed to feel all of that."


Experience tells me this is true, but I don't think it should have to be. This may be a topic for a different thread, but as a parent I wonder this often.

What is the answer? What should the church, parents, others teach Christian kids about sexuality to prevent the baggage that to varying degrees has crippled the intimacy of so many committed couples who "tried to do things the right way"?

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Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby ghostrider » Wed Oct 21, 2015 10:15 am

Another thing FM - you will go thru a lot of changes in your relationships with others. Obviously work has its place in paying the bills, but your primary focus in the first few months of marriage should basically be: God, then wife, then pretty much nothing else. If you are a typical 20 something with typical Christian parents and in-laws (or not), you will need to quickly learn how to set boundaries, especially around time commitments.

If your mom or her mom asks you to come over and help prepare for thankgiving or celebrate some extended relative's birthday party, or your pastor asks you to substitute teach a Wednesday night class, or chaperone a youth retreat or whatever - in all these cases it is perfectly OK, and many times necessary to just say No. You could explain that you need time to get to know your wife, but you don't even owe anyone any explanation.

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Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby C_Brown » Wed Oct 21, 2015 11:34 am

Do your best to bring her to orgasm before you get to intercourse. Gentle manual or oral stimulation of the clitoris after much hugging, kissing and caressing. She needs to give you feedback on what works and what her body is telling her it wants (harder, softer, faster, slower, a little higher or lower etc.). Lots of women can't orgams from intercourse and need foreplay/afterplay to get there.

Being really tired makes it hard for my DW to orgasm, if we can have sex earlier in the day (morning, nooner or right after work) we go for it then rather than right before bed. Also, DW had to make a deliberate effort to relax when being manually stimulated, her knee jerk reaction was to tense up which really got in the way of her pleasure. It took her over a year to get past that and have an orgasm, now she has multiple O's most ever time. It's a learning curve for you both. Don't rush, don't get frustrated, move forward step by step and enjoy the journey.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

Que

Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby Que » Fri Nov 06, 2015 3:06 am

ghostrider wrote: What should the church, parents, others teach Christian kids about sexuality to prevent the baggage that to varying degrees has crippled the intimacy of so many committed couples who "tried to do things the right way"?

When my parents talked to me about sex, they taught me that it was a beautiful, wonderful, sacred thing that should be enjoyed. But because it's so sacred, it should only be enjoyed within the right context. I'm grateful it was described to me as such. I never wanted to have sex out of wedlock, but when I did get married I entered it with a very sex positive attitude.

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Re: Some Instruction Required...

Postby ledgemoor » Fri Nov 06, 2015 2:39 pm

Welcome FreshlyMinted--

Congratulations on the recent marriage!

... we did very little reading on this whole sex thing.
I recommend that you both do some more reading. These forums are great if you are having a specific or unique problem. But it sounds like you are mostly in need of general knowledge. Books can provide that in a more organized fashion than you will find here. The old standby is Kevin Leman's Sheet Music. Read that for sure, then additionally, whatever your library has.

What you are experiencing is not unusual, btw. Sex is much more challenging than the movies would have you believe. Getting horny, jumping into bed and having great simultaneous orgasms with little effort just isn't reality.

Based on the information you have given, I also recommend more sleep. Sleep raises testosterone levels, which will at least improve her libido if not also her ability to orgasm.

Is she on hormonal birth control? If so that could be a problem.

That's good she can bring herself to orgasm. Have you watched her and mimicked what she does? Maybe let her guide your fingers.

And finally, another hormonal factor that is not well-known: Oxytocin helps women orgasm. The easiest (and most fun way!) to get Oxytocin in her system is nipple stimulation. It affects some women more than others, but my bride of 35 years can't O without it. Giving her manual clitoral stimulation while sucking her nipples fairly vigorously hardly ever fails for us :D.

Blessings!
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Is this true?

Postby marriedforlife90 » Sat Nov 14, 2015 4:42 pm

I wanted to start a general conversation based on southerngents statement:
southerngent wrote:Almost no committed Christian woman who has avoided sex before marriage doesn't carry some baggage of "good girls just aren't supposed to feel all of that." Even a little of that can make it difficult for her.

I so disagree with this!!!! What do you think and how, if you think this is true, can the church change this?

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Re: Is this true?

Postby poetess » Sat Nov 14, 2015 5:02 pm

I definitely haven't found it to be the case, and I had to use discretion with men for decades before I got a husband. I expected to feel a little shy about being naked with my husband on our wedding night, and I wasn't. No hesitation at all.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Is this true?

Postby Rescued » Sun Nov 15, 2015 12:11 am

poetess wrote:I definitely haven't found it to be the case, and I had to use discretion with men for decades before I got a husband. I expected to feel a little shy about being naked with my husband on our wedding night, and I wasn't. No hesitation at all.


And the virgin I married would echo your sentiment. She fully embraced the gift that God has for us when he gives us marriage intimacy. Her parents treated sex as something that is not talked about and dirty (sadly) but we both knew that in marriage it was to be a blessing to us, not anything bad. I'm sure that helped a lot with her ability to have orgasms from the day we were married.


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