Can't Have Orgasm with Husband

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
Phoebe4love
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Can't Have Orgasm with Husband

Postby Phoebe4love » Mon Feb 08, 2016 1:44 pm

Me and my husband have been married 25 years. For the past few years I can't seem to reach orgasm with him. I have no problem giving myself one. I have had a lot of health problems in the past 6 years, one being thyroid cancer (removed my thyroid), and also I had a complete hysterectomy 3 years ago. And add another couple major surgeries to that over the past few years. I am also a diabetic and take a lot of different kinds of medications for that and other things, including anxiety and depression. However, I used to take depression medication that would prevent me from even being able to give myself an orgasm. I'm on a different medication now that does not affect my reaching orgasm.

I know I have been through a lot physically and emotionally these past few years, and I realize even just the thyroid issue and/or the complete hysterectomy is enough to make changes happen in my body, and I know they have. But I don't understand why it's easy for me to reach orgasm myself, but not with my husband. We've tried so many things.... oral sex, vibrators, but nothing has worked with him. Only if I take control and finish myself off while we're having sex does it happen, and even then it's frustrating and the orgasm is very weak.

This bothers me a great deal, because we used to have satisfying sex together and he had no problem giving me an orgasm in some way. We have had some marital problems also, and part of me thinks it is a mental issue. I do love him very much. But my physical desire for him is not what it was. We have had some marital counseling with our pastor, and he seems to think that most of the "lack of romance" in our marriage is due to my physical problems. I know that it's a likely possibility, but I feel it is more than that.

This may be too complex of a problem to post on here and expect help from it, but I just need to talk to someone about it, because I'm too embarrassed to talk about it to other family members.

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Re: Can't Have Orgasm with Husband

Postby seeking perspective » Mon Feb 08, 2016 5:45 pm

Welcome! ::hi

With the medical stuff you've had going on, I wouldn't be surprised that orgasm is more difficult physically and/or mentally. Also, it is normal for libido to go through changes. Have you spoken with your doctor about this? A woman's feelings about her relationship can have a huge impact on her ability to enjoy sex. Since you've had some marital difficulty, it might be related.

I have a few suggestions for you.

First, and most important, remember that even a weak orgasm that you give yourself when you're with your husband is a good thing. It still counts as intimacy, because you are being sexual when you are with him. Choose to believe that, and enjoy what you are experiencing with him. It may not be the way you'd like it to be, but it is still good.

Second, train yourself to have an orgasm that involves your husband's presence. If you are alone, have a picture of your husband nearby to look at now and then. If you are with him but have had to take over, ask him to hold you and to stimulate you in other ways (such as kissing, stroking your breast, etc.) while you do the genital work.

Third, train yourself to have an orgasm that your husband participates in. Let his hands be on or near yours while you are stimulating yourself. Ask him to kiss and stroke your inner thighs while you are taking care of business. In other words, have him be more integrated into the body parts and activity of orgasm. Gradually increase the amount of time he is doing the work.

Finally, whether you've gotten yourself to an orgasm or he has, spend good afterglow time with him so your mind can associate feelings of emotional closeness and contentment with him again. Instead of thinking about how frustrating it is that you had to finish up yourself, just enjoy being with him. I would suggest that at first, even if you need him to leave the room and not be present during your self-stimulation, ask him to come back in the room and hold you after you're done.

I've gone through a few patches like this as well, and I know how frustrating it can be. I've found that being intentional about retraining my sexual response to include him actually helps. I'm deal with this right now, in fact and I've been working through these same steps and am seeing progress.
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
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Phoebe4love
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Re: Can't Have Orgasm with Husband

Postby Phoebe4love » Tue Feb 09, 2016 11:21 am

Thank you for your suggestions and perspective. I haven't spoken to my doctor about it. I guess in my mind I was feeling that it's more of a mental/relational problem than a physical one, even though I know some hormones could be out of whack.

I appreciate your suggestions about focusing on my husband's presence during any type of orgasm. I have realized just this week that I've been focusing too much on the frustration of not being able to have an orgasm with him, and not enough on just the intimacy of being with him. In our marital problems over the past few years I have just felt so detached from him (he's a workaholic and also has OCD). I haven't felt important to him although I don't doubt his love for me (it's complicated). But I think I've just mentally felt that I am alone even in my marriage, and that carried over into our sexual relationship. I became so frustrated with him not being able to give me an orgasm, that I just shyed away from sex with him as much as possible. Maybe only once every couple months... and I know that is not good.

I will definitely give your suggestions a try. We are entering back into counseling with our Pastor, but there's only so much I feel comfortable talking about with my pastor when it comes to our sex life. I think that the sexual problem is just a symptom of what's wrong in the first place. I don't want a divorce. 25 years is a long time to be with someone and we do enjoy being together and I do love him even if I don't feel "romantic" toward him like I once did. I am praying that the romance comes back, but if it doesn't, my pastor said that Love is also a choice. So I'm trying to let that sink in. There's more to love than sex... although sex is important in a marriage and was created by God.

And lastly, I'm trying to remember something else my Pastor told me in counseling. He said that as we get older, our bodies do change (which I know). But he suggested that I not compare right now to what was. Things may not be exactly what they were, but it can still be good. So I'm trying to turn my frustration into acceptance of what is and enjoy what I have and work toward a better relationship with my husband, as well as with God.

Those are the two most important things in my life.

Thank you again.... and I wish you well in your relationship. :)


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