Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
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Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby Epilogue7 » Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:29 pm

My wife and I have been married for over 3 years now and the topic of sex has always been a sensitive one because it generally ends poorly whenever brought up. My wife has never had an orgasm in her life either by herself or with me and she never looks forward to sex. She says she enjoys it, but I basically have to just wear her down until she gives in to get anywhere, which is extremely frustrating. She just doesn't even remotely seem to care to put in effort. I've tried everything on the scale of romance to surprising her and there's always some reason she's not interested.

I've been trying to get her to an orgasm since we got married and I hoped that doing so would get her more interested in having sex, but so far there's been zero success. I've gotten her to try pretty much everything and we now have spent hundreds of dollars on an arsenal of toys, some of which are good, but none do the trick. She also won't use them by herself ever.

I'm not allowed to give her oral, she tolerates but doesn't really like anal, and she doesn't like finger play. I can't think of a time since we got married that SHE kissed ME even and she doesn't like it when I kiss her or touch her really anymore. Unless it's a hug, she doesn't want it.

She refuses the idea of getting help, won't work on it herself, and continues to deny that it's a problem and doesn't see anything wrong with our sex life. Whenever I try and focus on her too much, she realizes I'm trying to get her to orgasm and it stresses her out and she makes me stop. To this day, I still have no idea what even turns her on or if anything does. I've even asked her and she can't even tell me anything that turns her on.

We never really fight, though I feel like we should, but basically any confrontation involves me bringing something up and her playing the victim and then not speaking to me for awhile. I'm ALWAYS the aggressor and at fault in our relationship in her eyes.

I feel like it is really not too much to ask to be wanted sexually in any capacity at allI don't know what else to do at this point, it seems absurd that we're only in our 20s and have basically already stopped having sex. My last ditch effort is to try and find some magical perfect way to give her an orgasm and then maybe she will understand and show an interest in sex.

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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Apr 13, 2016 3:49 pm

I'm sorry to say, but it's not an orgasm issue but a heart issue. :(
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Apr 13, 2016 4:20 pm

I agree with SC.

I often struggle with orgasm and have a fairly generous attitude when it comes to sex, but when I feel like my husband is pressuring me to have an orgasm, it stresses me out, too.

Epilogue7 wrote:I feel like it is really not too much to ask to be wanted sexually in any capacity at allI don't know what else to do at this point, it seems absurd that we're only in our 20s and have basically already stopped having sex. My last ditch effort is to try and find some magical perfect way to give her an orgasm and then maybe she will understand and show an interest in sex.

Even if your wife were to experience wonderful earth-shattering orgasms with you, that in itself wouldn't necessarily make her want to have sex.

One of the conclusions of a 2003 study was this: the prospect of an orgasm is not typically what leads women to want to have sex.

A focus on orgasm isn't going to be helpful right now--and if you try to get your wife to get some help for that purpose, it isn't going to make any difference.

How does she respond when you share your emotional need for sexual connection?
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby Vanna » Wed Apr 13, 2016 5:33 pm

I agree with the other ladies- orgasm isn't the main or causative problem in this situation. A lady's desire to be intimate or pursue intimacy tends to come from her connection and affection and state of relaxed enjoyment. Something else is wrong. Stress, disconnect, depression, ambivalence.

If she hasn't ever had an orgasm, despite all your activities together, then odds are she is one of those gals who needs to get somewhere quiet, explore herself, and learn more about the biology and process of it- and find what works for her, then translate that info into something you can both enjoy. That would take willingness and intentionality on her part. It took me four years of sexual activity to accidentally find orgasm, and it took time to figure out how to get there reliably. It's still not "easy", and to explain a possible process of getting there to a guy would be pretty impossible.

Take the pressure off about the orgasm, I know you mean well, and it is loving that you care and want that for her, but if you can tell it is a negative goal for her, she'll never get there like that anyway. A woman has to be mentally focused on the experience, lost in the excitement and euphoria to get an orgasm to build. If she is dreading, frustrated, or resenting it... No amount of anything can get her there.

If you let up about the orgasm- do you think she'll start enjoying it more and becoming more receptive?
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Apr 13, 2016 8:36 pm

Hi Epilogue.

In our experience, it is difficult to bring her to orgasm even when she wants one, especially when she was younger. So trying to get her to O when she doesn't want to is futile.

Here's an idea: Does she like non-sexual affection? If so, start there. My thinking is that the endorphins and oxytocin released by this would bond her to you and might eventually stir something within her soul. Hold hands in public and put your arm around her. In public, it can't lead to sex, so she may be more open to it.

Is she open to massage? (again, of the non-sexual variety). Has she ever had a professional massage? That would help her get used to being touched, again without the pressure of it leading to sex.

When you do have sex, is she open to letting you rub her breasts or sucking her nipples? Suckling in particular apparently releases a lot of oxytocin.

Is she on hormonal birth control? If so, that could be interfering with her natural desires and allow any negative teaching about sex she received while growing up to surface.

And as the ladies say, she will have a more positive attitude towards giving you charity sex if she isn't expected to have an orgasm while doing it.
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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby George B. » Wed Apr 13, 2016 10:46 pm

what was it that brought the two of you together in the first place? Friendship? A shared spark of something more? I'd say see if you need to work on getting back to that point. What special time did you used to spend together? What special jokes did you share? Find out what her love languages are and focus on "speaking" those languages. Engage her with non-sexual touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service. In other words, draw out her heart.

For now, take orgasm off the table. If she's feeling pressure from you and that's all, then it will never happen. Healthy sexuality doesn't begin with orgasm. It begins with love and affection properly expressed. It begins with knowing that we are properly loved, when we are kids, and moving on from there. See if you can get her back to that place.

And it can't feel like manipulation. You have a long road ahead of you, especially if she won't get help.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Wife Unable To Have An Orgasm

Postby FoxluvsBunnyDFC » Thu Apr 14, 2016 8:52 am

I agree w/ the above. I will write more later, but I've found to have an orgasm, basically lots of things have to be in place for it to happen, i've found. First I almost never have or need an orgasm at certain times in my cycle, which I think is hormonal (as others have said, hormonal birth control can affect things... i am not on HBC, but i almost never have an orgasm the week and a half after ovulation). Also, if I'm stressed, or things aren't great w/ DH, or just not in the mood or lots on my plate, it doesn't typically happen. In fact, i haven't had an orgasm during sex in a few weeksl. It's been a very busy time, and while we've had it, and it's been good (for me i can have good sex without orgasm... so many factors go into "good sex" and DH has orgasmed, it's been really hard for me to let go and get there as I have lots on my mind and we have not had time for an extended session in a while. If she's not really into sex orgasm won't happen. She has to want sex and want to orgasm. Also, please don't put pressure on her as others have said as i'm sure that will make things harder.

I had my first orgasm at age 24, about 2 weeks before our wedding when we were playing around and he did something he hadn't before (wrong choice, but Wow wow... i thought i might have had some small ones before, but i didn't realize until then i never got over the edge before). I hadn't explored much. I think that this is not very common, and she may have to explore herself in order to show you what works for her. Encourage this!!!!
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