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Is there hope for us?

Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2017 8:10 am
by Mike
I'm desperate for everyone's prayers, tips, encouragement, success stories on this issue. DW and I have never figured this out in over 15 years of marriage. She's MB probably a few dozen or less times without me through the years with no success. Been checked by doctor, had counseling, tried several vibrators, testosterone injections, been off BC for at least 10 years. We have had several seasons of her, then me, 'giving up' and just doing duty/obligation sex. She's had no sex drive in a decade it seems.

Lately after some painful conversations and committing to work on this we've been making at least some progress in giving her pleasure and getting the emotional connection we so desperately need. I know that orgasm can't be the focus but how do you balance that when her having an orgasm 0% of the time after so many attempts seems so unacceptable? I know a man can't make his wife O but after so long I can't help but feel like a failure as a man and husband in this area. It has been an unanswered prayer for so long. The Christian marriage blogs are so encouraging and yet so depressing when I read how important it is for her to O and we've not been able to experience it.

Will she need to figure it out on her own first? If so, how do I convince her that when she doesn't feel that comfortable with MB? I'll never figure it out on my own that's for sure. The times that she does get aroused and actually start to feel pleasure, it seems to vanish instantly. It's often with OS or manual (that she doesn't let me do often - I would every time but she's resistant to it). Or it's with her on top and I can't last very long with her aroused movements. I want to reintroduce the vibrators but she says she isn't ready. Same thing with her touching herself during sex.

I covet your advice and prayers. I'm so desperate for a vibrant sex life with my DW, for her to actually want me, and us to experience God's design to the fullest. We're unfortunately like newlyweds except now with 15 years of baggage to unload and bad habits to break...

Praise God for at least some walls coming down lately in that I've been able to at least touch her in ways I never have, and get to know her more and more. Historically it's been like pulling teeth for her to tell me what feels good to her. For now I'm trying to stay focused on our connection and her pleasure. But could really use some encouragement.

Re: Is there hope for us?

Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2017 1:25 pm
by sunny-dee
Is her lack of sex drive related to her not orgasming or are they two separate things?

Just to run through (FWIW), I really don't like MB and it just doesn't interest me, and I'm not that interested in sex toys just because. I dunno. Meh. I also have never O'ed from intercourse with my husband.

Some of it is attitude. If she is okay with not O'ing (at least for awhile), JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. Do other things to build physical intimacy -- try massages or foot rubs, cuddling together naked, making out, and also sex (just without the pressure of O'ing). My husband is the lower drive spouse (long story there) and always has been and he tends to just completely push off physical affection, even things like massages -- EXCEPT. I found out that he loves it when I just run my fingers over his skin, very light pressure, just barely tracing him. He finds it instantly relaxing. Maybe there's something like that, some action, that can work on touch and intimacy and not put the pressure on O'ing.

Re: Is there hope for us?

Posted: Sat Feb 04, 2017 4:30 am
by Olorin
I have been in the same boat as you for most of my 25 year marriage. It's a long story, but the essence of it is that my wife even today barely experiences an orgasm. A little over a year ago, after many heart-rending discussions, we developed the following plan. We normally ML on Saturday morning, and prior to engaging in any intercourse, I give my wife a long (at least 45 minutes) back massage using a Hitachi Magic Wand vibrator. I use coconut oil that has been warmed up a bit. I use it all over her bare neck, back, butt, calves, and feet. While I am doing this, she uses another vibrator on her genitals. She does not normally MB, but while I am massaging her she is ok with using the vibrator on herself. Usually, after 45 minutes, she becomes aroused enough so that we can engage in other forms of foreplay (i.e. kissing, etc.), while I continue to use the vibrator on her. This combination usually puts her at least into a state where she is experiencing some sexual arousal. Many times, she gets very close, but she usually 'stops' just short of a full orgasm, from what we can tell. I should add that she is also post-menopausal, but this massage + foreplay can on occasion cause her to produce a bit of natural lubrication! I think that the long massage releases her mind from all the normal concerns just enough to allow her to become aroused. Even if my wife does not become aroused enough to experience even weak sexual arousal, she really enjoys being massaged, and it gives us a chance to physically bond. It took us a long time to develop this strategy (nearly 25 years!) , but we realized that we had to do 'something' to keep the physical bond between us firm, even through the disappointment of her having trouble becoming aroused and having an orgasm. I will pray for you and your wife. God bless.

Re: Is there hope for us?

Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 4:38 pm
by C_Brown
For the first 20 years of our marriage sex was not something DW liked all that much, and tended to keep to minimum. She didn't tell me, but it was a bit painful for her and so of course getting to an O was not possible for her under those circumstances. In her mind she was 'not one of the lucky ones' and gave up on the idea of enjoying sex. When she finally admitted this we began to work on it together. We found a lube that worked for her, and rather than rushing me through sex to get it over with she would let me stay in foreplay mode and get her as aroused as possible. It took about a year and half from the time we started until she had an O, but sex became something she really enjoyed long before then. She would hit what she called her pleasure threshold before getting to an O, but that threshold kept moving further and further back until it happened. After she started having Os her desire for sex increased quite a bit. She now has multiple Os most every time.

She had make a deliberate effort to relax rather than tense up. and to explore touching her with lots of feedback to find the best places and ways to pleasure her. So don't get discouraged, you are ahead of where we were at 15 years. It can happen. Hope that helps.

Re: Is there hope for us?

Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 11:28 pm
by OldBear
Mike wrote:I want to reintroduce the vibrators but she says she isn't ready. Same thing with her touching herself during sex.

This is a telling statement. Not the aversion to toys, but the aversion to touching herself during sex. It's one thing to not wish to masturbate and another issue to not touch oneself during sex.

The norm for orgasmic women is a highly honed focus on and stimulation of their clitoris by themselves and/or their DHs in order to experience their O. Oral, self-stimulation, and/or a DH's deft digital skill on the greater clitoral area and clitoral hood is almost always necessary for reaching an orgasm. The hope for you will require your DW to become comfortable and committed to being aroused through her own and your stimulation.

Our many years of marriage underscores this important aspect of our LMing. Mrs. Oldbear is a pro at bringing herself to a high state of arousal through her own hands and fingers and she has taught me, verbally and visibly, how to pleasure her and bring her to her O. She has never had an O via PIV, only. Either her hands or mine have to be engaged on her clitoral hood in order for her to O.

This is quite specific advice, but I think that most women on TMB that are highly orgasmic will support our experience.

Re: Is there hope for us?

Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:46 am
by Mike
I appreciate everyone's input.
I'd like to request prayers again as this has gone nowhere over the last several months and I am really struggling with depression, resentment and a feeling of just wanting to give up.
I've come to the realization that the lack of orgasm is just a symptom of DW not having a healthy view of sex in marriage. All I can think about is her past statements that she is not able to be sexually attracted to me, can we just not have sex anymore, can it just be a quickie, etc and it is killing me inside.
We've talked about this and it usually ends in a fight so I've been trying to keep quiet about it... she thinks she is broken and will need a miracle to fix it. After the progress I thought we were making earlier this year she had a close friend tell her she should stop working so hard on it and just give it to God. I've been praying about this for 15 years so that was hard for me to take. I've pretty much lost all motivation to initiate sex with her since I know she doesn't want it. Yet I'm so desperate for this connection with her.
I don't know what to do, this is the worst I've ever felt in my life. I've given up on reading the marriage blogs and forwarding articles that might help us to her because they make me so angry- I feel like it is all BS sometimes.
I'm praying so much to God to have the right perspective, attitude, not be selfish and that resentment doesn't build. Trying to focus on the good in our marriage... please pray for us.

Re: Is there hope for us?

Posted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:41 pm
by Hoosier52
Google the video, "The Sex-Starved Marriage" Watch it together