Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Can't orgasm, pain during intercourse, etc.
doug-h
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1476
Joined: Fri Jul 24, 2015 5:11 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 20th, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby doug-h » Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:06 am

Jem,

I'm really praying that all goes well for you. It is exactly where I have been for months, and none of the ways I tried to handle it worked very well.

Things came to a head this week, and while it wasn't a deliberate process, I pretty much laid out my feelings in much the same way that SP is describing. It really did allow us each to get thru things fairly smoothly. It wasn't perfect, it wasn't painless, but we worked thru it.

As for writing as a way of processing, yeah, I have found that to be very good for me. I will start writing with one thought on my mind, but my writing ends up somewhere else entirely.

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby JEM0121 » Tue Oct 24, 2017 11:20 am

Yes, sometimes the unplanned talks are the most healing. Back at the very beginning of 2017 we had a very emotional talk that ended up being 4 hours of talking, crying, spilling our hearts. It was the tipping point for me DESIRING to be intimate again. I think maybe the drive was there a few months even before that but because I was carrying some really deep hurt from some things that he said during my "dark period"----I kept myself at an emotionally 'safe' distance.

I sent the email to him a little while ago after reading and re-reading it a 1000X. I sent a text asking him to check his email when he had a few minutes free at work. I pray he's open to understanding how I'm feeling about this and wanting to grow CLOSER not farther apart.

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby JEM0121 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 8:19 am

We had a pretty good talk last night. The "time" he had for me/us was a big focus. He commented that it wasn't his fault we went to bed late the other night since his phone was ringing or he was getting texts that was out of his control. I did ask him "What would have been the worst that would have happened if you called or responded to them in the morning?"" And he did say "You're right, I'm sorry. I should have done that"

He told me he doesn't mean for it to sound like he doesn't want to take time--and I explained that it's just how it FEELS afterward. Sometimes if its a quickie and I know I won't O, that's one thing, but when we should be able to take time for both of us, it makes me feel unimportant to be 'left behind'.

He did say Friday night after he got home we would have an "us" evening even if it was just appetizers or dessert somewhere and sitting and talking.

And we did ML last night. He was ready to go to bed early. He had the house locked up and the dog in his kennel and his work clothes picked out before the "usual" time. :D And I did tell him that I want this to be a continuous learning process for us. What worked once may not always work the same, but we should be able to figure out what works TOGETHER.

User avatar
seeking perspective
Under the stars
Posts: 5688
Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:01 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): April 27th, 1991
Gender: Female
Location: between the Northwoods and the Great Plains and the Great Lakes
Contact:

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Oct 25, 2017 8:27 am

I'm so glad for the encouraging update!
You turned my wailing into dancing . . .
~Psalm 30:11
The Forgiven Wife
and Sex Chat for Christian Wives

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby JEM0121 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:04 am

Oh, and another observation I had this morning was something Doug-h had brought up above. Was I feeling more depressed and that was making this issue between DH and I worse? I noticed this morning I feel so much more at ease. Less stressed overall. I was starting to wonder if my testosterone pellet was worn off (last implant was beginning of June). But other things I’ve been stressed about -money (-lots of out of the ordinary expenses the last two months) , seemed easier to deal with this morning. So I think this issue between DH and me was really wearing on me.

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5476
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby OldMarriedLady » Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:38 am

I don't think pellets are the best way to get your testosterone. My doctor prescribed a compounded testosterone cream that I rub into my forearms daily, which gives a much more steady and consistent amount of testosterone from day to day. With pellets you get an initial boost when they're first implanted, and then a slow decline over the months as they wear off.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

ledgemoor
Under the stars
Posts: 3133
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:31 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 3rd, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: RE: Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:59 am

DW uses cream too. Not just testosterone but estrogen and progesterone too.
Last edited by ledgemoor on Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

User avatar
OldMarriedLady
Under the stars
Posts: 5476
Joined: Fri Feb 19, 2010 6:01 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 7th, 1983
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby OldMarriedLady » Wed Oct 25, 2017 10:06 am

Yes, I also use all three.
"When you love them, they drive you crazy - because they know they can."
(From the 1987 movie "Moonstruck", written by John Patrick Shanley)

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby JEM0121 » Wed Oct 25, 2017 12:01 pm

Actually the pellets have worked wonderfully for me. We talked about the cream and I really wasn't interested in having to remember to put it on daily. (I take other medication, plus do B12 shots, it was just one more thing I would have to remember :D ) And from what I understand the consistent level will depend on how well you absorb the cream, as well as other factors like sweating it off, washing if off from swimming or something, etc....

Actually until the pellets truly wear off, I haven't noticed a decline at all in how I feel and so far I've gotten 5 months after each implant. Now when they wear off, it takes me about 3-4 days to know FOR SURE. :shock: :D

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...

Postby JEM0121 » Thu Feb 22, 2018 7:29 pm

Ugh. Back to this again. :?

Lately this is how things play out. We go up to bed, he showers for work in the morning (he leaves at 3am so it's easier at night), comes to bed and we cuddle. He dozes off pretty quickly so I start to fall asleep myself. Something stirs him awake and he asks me to rub his shoulders, then his leg then that leads to him wanting manual stimulation. And he wants me to kiss his chest. Then he's turned on enough and wants oral. After a few minutes he's ready for PIV. And up to this point I've barely been touched. I am starting at sub zero and half asleep so "catching up" to his level of arousal is almost impossible for me. This is how it is most nights when he has to work the next day. So probably about one night a week there is "time" for me to get aroused enough to have even a chance to O.

I like that we are ML more often and that I am trying my hardest not to refuse but most of the time I end up falling asleep frustrated. :(

I just dont know what to do anymore. I feel like this is my fault because I can't "get there" fast enough. Or punishment for the past intimacy problems we had.

love2
King bed
Posts: 379
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby love2 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:19 am

Do you think a vibrator might help?

We have had the policy for several years that it is expected if we have sex I will have an orgasm. A lot of the times I will use a vibe during sex and we will come around the same time. If he comes beforehand he will use a toy on me and I will use a vibrator. Unfortunately, because of this, we rarely have quickie sex because it takes me too long to be considered quickie but at least I am not totally annoyed not having an orgasm.

Have you talked to him? What solutions did he propose?

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby JEM0121 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:44 am

A vibrator absolutely would help. We have a little handheld massager thst is battery operated that we occasionally use. But it’s awkwardly shaped for that purpose. It’s kind of a 4 pronged thing. :lol:

However when I grab for it—he seems—I don’t know—disappointed maybe. It’s kind of hard to read. I brought it up to him last night when the same scenario started playing out. And I feel bad because I basically said “I don’t think we’ll have time for me to get there” He said “we’ll that situation was a one time thing” I was a little shocked that he didn’t realize how often it happens. And he said “so what is the alternative-not have sex when I work the next day?” Ugh. No. He just doesn’t get it.

He could start foreplay when we’re watching tv after dinner. Give me a back rub. Kiss me. Text me suggestively during the day But it’s like allll the foreplay is for HIM anymore. :(

love2
King bed
Posts: 379
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby love2 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 12:44 pm

I like this one:

Je Joue Mimi Soft Clitoral Stimulator, Lilac https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FXOLUE8/re ... KAbMDRK8MP

It has a fairly low profile so you can slide it in on WOT but I like doggy-style as well and it could probably be used in side laying.

Anyway, I've been through this myself and it finally came to - yes, dear - we can have sex but if I don't have an orgasm you don't either but I will very happily have sex with you if neither of us has an orgasm or if we both do, up to you. That is how I have an orgasm 100 percent of the time.

Your pleasure is just an important as his and somehow through some social conditioning I think women are taught to sacrifice their pleasure for the sake of the man. I really don't think that's right.

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby JEM0121 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:07 pm

I think there is some sort of conditioning going on here. In our case I think it’s past experiences. It was always easy for me and so he didn’t have to put much work in to it to get me there. And now it does require time and work and it almost feels like a selfish side of him is coming through because he doesn’t seem to want to put in the work or time. Or maybe he feels that for all the times I wasn’t interested over the years—it’s my turn to “pay him back” for that. The sad thing is—the more I feel like I’m left hanging the less I want to do anything and am having to talk myself in to it. There are instances I don’t mind it being for him—but not over half the time. :( The week of my period he wants nothing to do with anything besides me giving him oral or HJ/oral combo. That’s fine—he’s squeamish about doing anything that week but he gets an entire week that’s “all his”. If I were able to O even 90% of the time my desire would probably go up even more.

It’s so sadly ironic that we get my hormones all balanced and now here we are—my desire is there but it takes me so long I can’t even get to finish. :(

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby JEM0121 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:09 pm

I think I will bring up an actual toy to him tonight. There is a local place here thst isn’t too “adult store/porn” like. I think they sell mostly toys. Maybe if I call and have them put one aside we could just go in and pay.

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3364
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby poetess » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:23 pm

JEM, you can also get a bullet vibe at the drugstore or Wal-Mart.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

love2
King bed
Posts: 379
Joined: Thu Sep 22, 2016 7:33 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 16th, 2006
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby love2 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 1:31 pm

Keep us updated.

It's always been hard for me to orgasm so I've always had toys.

I was kind of surprised that this was a thing in marriages likes toys being bad or showing the guy isnt capable, etc. Neither me or husband have viewed toys negatively. Now it would be nice to have h get me to orgasm via OS or manual without a toy being involved but it's never happened. Likewise, I have never orgasmed from PIV or PIA without clitorial stimulation via vibe. It's not really a big deal to me in the end I guess.

Sent from my Pixel using Tapatalk

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby JEM0121 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 2:41 pm

poetess wrote:JEM, you can also get a bullet vibe at the drugstore or Wal-Mart.


You can??!! :shock: :shock: :oops: In store or online? I had no idea. I was just thinking I know Spencer’s in the mall does in the “back of the store” with all the adult games and costumes. :lol:

User avatar
JEM0121
Queen bed
Posts: 199
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2017 11:40 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): November 18th, 1999
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby JEM0121 » Fri Feb 23, 2018 2:48 pm

love2 wrote:I was kind of surprised that this was a thing in marriages likes toys being bad or showing the guy isnt capable, etc.

I think if I didn’t NEED the toy he’d be less apprehensive. And many times if we use the massager and I get close, I just turn it off—because I’m already almost there and don’t need it anymore. If that makes sense. I CAN finish from manual or oral but it takes longer than it used to as well. And sometimes I get close and he changes things up and I lose almost being there. I guess early on when things were easy for me-I was so adaptable and able to O so easily none of these issues were out in the light. :(

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3364
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Not sure how to talk to husband about this...Back to the same issue again

Postby poetess » Fri Feb 23, 2018 9:21 pm

Check the feminine hygiene section. There won't be many choices, but there should be one or two.

My husband and I had a funny experience when we went to get one. We were at CVS or Walgreen's. We got to the place where they were on the shelf, but as store planning had it, the adult toys were across the aisle from the juvenile toys. So there in the aisle were a mom and a dad . . . and a toddler trying out a rocking horse her parents had pulled off the shelf for her. My husband asked me, "Do you see it?" and I nodded toward the shelf to say nonverbally, "Yes, I see it. But do you really want me to pick it up now?" I mean I was literally three or four feet from the child when standing in front of the product, with her parents right there, too, and it just felt a little weird.

But a basic bullet should be readily available and inexpensive.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!


Return to “Female Orgasm Difficulties”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users