ED problems in 20s

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
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ED problems in 20s

Postby confused_wife20s » Sun Jan 31, 2010 2:05 pm

Just wondering if anyone can relate to this. My husband and I are very much in love, perfect soulmates and always knew we were meant to be together. We decided to save intercourse for after marriage and thought it would be amazing and rewarding to do this. What we found was that most of the time it just isn't possible because he loses his erection too quickly, usually just before penetration. We got married at age 25, so maybe that was quite late for him to start having sex and that is part of the problem. We've been married for 2 and a half yrs and this problem quickly seemed to develop into an anxiety driven reinforcing cycle. Currently working through sensate focus with a counsellor and wondering if anyone has had any success with this?

We really want to sort this problem as although we can pleasure each other in other ways, we'd hoped for this special act to be possible after marriage and feel a bit cheated that it wasn't. Not to mention the tension it is causing between us because of the worry about what is wrong with us and why!!? He says he feels it is destroying us that we're not compatible, even though everything else is perfect. He wishes we hadn't waited till marriage to try as that just put lots of pressure on getting it right when it finally happened....Any advice would be much appreciated!

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby Mr. Rkt » Sun Jan 31, 2010 3:30 pm

That is very unusual at his age. It is important to know whether there is a physical reason for it. I'm sure that by now there are several psychological reasons for it.

Has he seen a doctor? If not, he really should. The reason is that some of the physical things that cause veinous leakage ED are early warning signs of much more dangerous conditions, and it is good for a medical workup to rule that out.

If it is purely psychological, it may be difficult to find the root of it. It may go clear back to his childhood. However, if he lost his erection early on because he was so nervous about what he was doing (which isn't exactly unheard of), it is possible that performance anxiety set in after that, and his loss of erection became a self-fulfilling prophecy. Some men in this position have temporarily taken ED meds, such as Viagra or Cialis, just long enough to gain the confidence of performing well, and then they are able to stop using them.
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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby Osy » Mon Feb 01, 2010 2:03 am

I had this problem with my DH [ not too long ago either ]

The first 3 months of our marriage we had little penetration. DH was SOOOOOO nervous he kept "psyching" himself out and lost his erection very quickly. He said he wanted our sex to be "Special" & he got so scared he wouldn't be able to perform that often, before or soon after we got it in...he lost it.

The other thing was we had very, very, long extended foreplay sessions. Sometimes 2 hours long, & by the time it came for IC he couldn't keep his erection up any longer. [ I've read this is common with male virgins, it takes time for the penis to get use to being "Erect" for so long ]

Anyway, once I reassured him 1. We were new at this! There was no way it was going to be perfect :lol: & 2. It was going to be "special" regardless because it was with HIM, the ED slowly started going away. I had to really take a lot of time to love him, to reassure him, & to make him understand that I would still be there with or without sex, and ANY sexual act would be amazing---because it was with HIM.

Also, tons of practice so he learned how to "keep it up" longer helped too! I remember a time when we couldn't even switch positions, & now we can!

Of course, after we got him over the ED we had another "surprise." DH had delayed ejaculation for a while, which has finally been resolved as of december! [ Praise God Almighty! :D I'm SO happy for him ] Apparently, it's hard for some guys to get use to the "Feel" of sex & it can take some time to "learn" how to orgasm that way.

Anyways! First, I would definitely check w/ the doc to make sure it's not a physical problem. If it's something like Low Testosterone, it's best to catch it early!

Is he able to get his erection up at all? Does he only lose it upon / right before penetration? Can he still get erect when he masturbates? <---If yes to these three, odds are it's psychological.

Good luck! Hopefully you will have success the way we did!

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby confused_wife20s » Tue Feb 02, 2010 6:42 am

Thanks for the replies....I think it is at least now partly psychological and due to nerves and now some sort of performance anxiety. He can get it to work for other things, just not PIV sex. However, recenlty I'm starting to wonder if maybe it could be something like low test. as he's never seemed to really desire sex all that often and I think it's more the times when he's just doing it to keep me happy that it's less likely to work. I feel really guilty about that :( I guess everyone has different drives, but even on our honeymoon we only ML 3 x in 2.5 weeks because he didn't feel in the mood so often, and since then it's been about once per week. I thought maybe I just had an unusually high SD compared to him or something. However, the only times he seems really really up for it occur about once or twice a month. Maybe I just have unrealistic expectations. I'd be happy with twice a week, but he makes me feel like that's demanding and I'm some sort of crazy woman.. I don't know however if the LD is a cause or an effect.....I wish we could just be happy with how things are! He's finally got the results of lots of blood and other physical tests back and the only thing that showed up a bit wrong was that the testosterone was within the lowest 4% of "normal" range....mabe that's something to do with it. He's booked in for further tests to confirm/dismiss this, so will see what happens.....still feeling confused and wanting him to have more desire for me. I guess if that's just how he is, then I'll be happy to accept it, but wish I understood whether it's really normal, or what I'm doing wrong....:(

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby mom210 » Tue Feb 02, 2010 9:48 am

if he is in the low normal at 20...it is probably way to low based on the fact norms are not age specific on those tests ..so if your norms are 250-800 and your dh is at 300 in his 20's.... this is what a 90 yr old man should have ..not a healthy 20 something man....truly, at that age..his norms should be in the 600-700 range

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby triwav » Fri Feb 12, 2010 11:31 am

confused_wife20s, I agree with some of the other people that you should go see a doctor and specifically ask for a testosterone test. I went to a urologists and he just gave me cialis and had to go to PCP to get the test done. I'm 24 so about the same age as your husband and my level was around 250. This was a real bummer for me since I'm so young and had been told that Hormone Replacement Therapy caused infertility. I went to a Christian naturopath doctor who explained to me the difference between synthetic testosterone vs plant derived testosterone. The synthetic can have a number of side effects including infertility but the plant derived doesn't and the body doesn't even know the difference. I've been taking this type for over two months now and, while it's not like the cialis or viagra I was taking as far as hardness, I have seen a big improvement in my ability to maintain an erection. It also doesn't have the side effects of the ED medicines and it's much cheaper too. I think in both your hustband's and my case as well that it is partially a mental thing but chances are there's at least partially something physical effecting things as well.

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby confused_wife20s » Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:26 am

Thanks for the reassuring advice...I'm glad people here at least seem to be aware of these issues. It's been so difficult to find a doctor who will take him seriously and not just tell him he's making it up, so go home and stop worrying! I am pretty weary of the whole thing. He has struggled with aspects of this for 5 years now, although only married for the last 2.5 and that's when it really became a problem! The only reason this last doctor paid attention is because hubby phoned back and told them what I had read about online!

Has been for a retest on lots of different hormones and the T result was repeated exactly and still at only 4% mark of the normal range (it's a different scale of measurement to what I've seen on this site). So he's going for another doc appt this week and will be likely to be referred to an endocrinologist next...not sure when. Weird thing is though, while he has many of the symptoms you read about of low T: the sex problems, feeling down, always exhausted and struggling with work etc., putting on weight despite eating healthier and going to the gym more; one of the main symptoms you hear about seems to be lack of masculine appearance and body hair. he def doesn't have that problem, being naturally very hairy all over (he doesn't like it, but doesn't bother me...). Is that still possible just genetically, even with low T?

As for the infertility thing, won't having low T mean infertility is likely anyway? Also, the way we are now, we may as well be infertile as there is nothing happening which is going to create any babies :( ! I guess this is only going to get worse with age too. I think it would be better for him to get treated and feel healthy and for us to have fun again. Perhaps we just are not meant to have a child together this way. We can always adopt...

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby triwav » Sun Feb 14, 2010 9:30 am

Yes it's possible to have Low T and still have a lot of body hair. I had quite a bit even before I started taking testosterone but now I've noticed it even more in places I didn't before like on my fingers and on my chest (it grew on my pecs but not between really). As far as fertility when your T is low, yes your right on this and that's why I was so bummed out when I found out that I had Low T 'cause either way if I took Testosterone supplements or not it would probably be hard to have a baby when we want to. That's why I was so glad that the natural stuff doesn't hurt fertility and in my case I'm guessing it's probably helped out some.

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby confused_wife20s » Mon Feb 15, 2010 6:01 am

Thanks for the info Triwav. The natural version definitely sounds like a good option if it does turn out to be low T causing this. I really hope we can find some sort of solution soon. We are both becoming so depressed and down with all the upset this is causing, the visits to doctors that don't seem to know or care or believe us. I feel like I don't even trust that the endocrinologist will take us seriously after lots of the stuff I have read online. This week feels like the lowest point of our marriage so far and I seriously worry now about the future. DH feels like the emotional and psychological wounds now go far too deep and that we'll never recover from them, even if some physical problem is identified. I can promise to try not to stress any more about it, but he doesn't believe that I can manage that. However, I don't know what more I can do. Really needing something to change soon, as this problem is tearing us apart :( I think it's more of a problem because it started as soon as we were married, rather than developing later, meaning we don't know if it was ever meant to work for us. :(

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby triwav » Mon Feb 15, 2010 6:32 am

I never went to an endocrinologist but the majority of people that have gone to one seem to have a lot better success than a Urologist or PCP. I think this is because each doctor looks at things from a different angle and method for addressing the problem. I wouldn't give up hope yet. See what the endocrinologist says and go from there. Just some other things that your husband could try to doing in the meantime as well that I've heard pretty good results with is trying to get in at least 20-30 minutes of cardio a day. I've read several people on here saying that can help quite a bit. I admit I only go to the gym once a week right now but once it warms up some I'm planning to start biking in the mornings to try this out. Some people say supplements in addition to this can help as well. There are several mentioned. When I first started taking the testosterone, my doctor also gave me some pregnenolone. It's a building block of Testosterone and is what a lot of hormones in the body are created. You can get it without a prescription too so you could pick that up and start taking it in the mean time and it won't hurt him. I've also read that doing heavy weight cleans or squats can help. I've been doing squats since last september I think and maybe I've noticed a little difference but not much. I think the cardio is what will help the most but just trying to give you some options. I know it's hard for both of you and it may take some time even after he does solve the problem to get back some of what you lost but I would never say you can't recover from it.

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby mom210 » Mon Feb 15, 2010 7:36 am

My dh had a very hairy chest and back... BEFORE T.

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Re: ED problems in 20s

Postby confused_wife20s » Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:14 am

...well after getting the doctor to double check the results of the blood test to see what normal really meant, we now have 2 results of testosterone tests, a few months apart, both only just above the minimum of the normal range and the second one even lower than the first. Now waiting for a referral to an endocrinologist and to see whether it can be covered by the health insurance or whether we have to go on the NHS list and wait up to 9 months even just to see someone for an initial chat. I'm a bit stressed about this, because I worry about waiting that long just to see someone else who will say, well it's within the normal range and there's nothing we can do...surely at his age the doctors should be more concerned that something is wrong. They keep telling us, don't be silly - that doesn't happen to men your age! I guess they also don't really see it as an important medical problem, since there are so many people with much more serious conditions needing help.

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Don't know how much longer I can take this....:(

Postby confused_wife20s » Sat Feb 27, 2010 5:06 am

Just looking from some words of support from someone who's been through this and successfully made it through. My DH and I are still very much in love, but are really starting to struggle as we've only managed "sex", as in PIV about 6 or 7 times since we married 2.5 years ago. He's always suffered ED and he seems to have quite a low SD compared to other guys I've read about on here. He'd be happy with the sex-play that we are able to do about once every 2 wks or once per month if he's stressed.

My DH is only 27. After being passed around various doctors and a urologist, nobody could find anything wrong and we went for PST therapy (which is really expensive). Although atthe start it helped relieve some of the anxiety it now doesn't seem to help. We also tried the medication, V and C, but it seemed a bit hit and miss whether they worked and the doc would only prescribe the lowest possible dose and only 4 tablets at a time!

DH's main problem is that I get stressed out about things not working and that puts pressure on him. That's fair enough, I understand. He says the only way it'll ever work and that he'll be more interested is if I can manage not to get upset or put any pressure on him for a few months or even a year. I've promised I will do this for him. It's difficult! After a month of not allowing myself to care I am getting a little tense and stressed over it. Also feeling quite physically run down. Am I just really selfish, or would any woman in her 20s feel upset that it was impossible for her to have sex with her husband!? I'm supposed to just sit tight and wait for things to sort out. The worst is that even now I've been really good at not getting upset or angry, he's started saying he can tell I'm upset even though I don't show it! I don't know what else to do....he asked me to get anti-depressants so that I wouldn't care so much any more about the sex issue, but I don't think I'm depressed. I'm just sad about this one thing.

It's got even worse now he's had tests that revealed he has low T, but we might have to wait up to 9 months on the waiting list to even get to talk to a consultant about whether this is significant or not. Of course the worry about that is making everything even less likely to work....just looking for advice from any other wives in the same situation on the best way to switch off from the problem. Maybe there is something I can take to make me uninterested in sex to give him a break for a bit!? Just wish that someone could tell me that this time next year everything will be sorted out, as I feel like we are spoiling the best years of our lives together!

Sorry for the rant, but I needed to talk to someone!!

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Re: Don't know how much longer I can take this....:(

Postby mamame » Sat Feb 27, 2010 10:40 am

I disagree about the no pressure for a year. The only way I would agree to that is under the advice of 3 different professional counselors. Seriously - it's not OK at all.

You need to read the boundaries books. Separate yourself from his issues so you can help him with them.

In the mean time - how are you taking care of yourself? (sexually and emotionally) You are really going to have to be proactive about nurturing yourself during this time so that you are emotionally and physically up to helping your DH.

An unrelated example:
I take a nap almost every afternoon. I used to feel very selfish and lazy about it because my children are all sleeping through the night, but I find it works the best for me. It makes me more productive in every area of my life. I can study less time and retain more (I'm a student) I am well rested, I am not cranky with the children. I am not too tired for sex (which you will need to consider later as your DH's chemistry gets lined out) and I'm ready for any emergencies that come up. Seems like if my kids are going to get sick - it's at 2 am. Because I've nurtured myself - I'm good to go and take care of them.

So while self care can seem counterproductive it's really not. You are in a battle for your husband's health and it's likely to be lengthy. Prepare yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually and sexually (because I think our sexual well being is tied into our emotional and spiritual well being as women)

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Re: Don't know how much longer I can take this....:(

Postby hubbyforher » Sat Feb 27, 2010 11:15 am

confused_wife20s wrote:It's got even worse now he's had tests that revealed he has low T, but we might have to wait up to 9 months on the waiting list to even get to talk to a consultant about whether this is significant or not.



Low T is significant. I don't know why you have to speak with a consultant. Go to your doc, show the bloodwork, and get a prescription for Test. Some do the transdermal gels, some do the injections. Look into this, it will definately help.
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Re: Don't know how much longer I can take this....:(

Postby Dale » Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:29 pm

I would echo this. There is NO reason to have to obtain a consult for low T. Any doctor (family, internal medicine, or other) can prescribe Androgel or some other T replacement therapy.

From what you have shared, low T is almost certainly a MAJOR culprit in your husband's low drive. 9 months is far too long to wait to take action. If one doctor won't do anything, go to another one until you get somewhere!! It's not just a low drive issue, either. Low testosterone can cause all sorts of health and emotional problems for men. I think it's probably one of the most underdiagnosed conditions for men today.

Get thee to a good doctor!!!!!

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Re: Don't know how much longer I can take this....:(

Postby blushingwife » Sat Feb 27, 2010 1:47 pm

Talking with people at the Hypogonadism group, we were told NOT to just accept T gel from any doctor without first having found out whether the low T is Primary or Secondary. Specially when talking about a young man who has not had children yet, as will probably cause infertility so you want to be 200% sure. Also, the doctor needs to be knowledgeable enough to know about the delicate balance with dosage and ajusting it if needed with follow ups tests.

OP, your husband has seen an urologist right?
Is the 9mo wait something the GP told him? And is that wait for an endocrinologist? Have you talked to your doctor and asked for a referral for the Barts hospital?

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Re: Don't know how much longer I can take this....:(

Postby mom210 » Sat Feb 27, 2010 2:15 pm

A GP can run the tthyriod and pituitary test that can determine what the cause of the Low T is.. in my dh's case , his GP was the first and diagnosed him as Primary..he then later went to a urologist to manage his meds..and get his PSA'a and DRE's done.

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Re: Don't know how much longer I can take this....:(

Postby confused_wife20s » Sun Feb 28, 2010 3:58 am

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice. I think the low T probably is significant after everything I've read on TMB, but the doctors don't really seem to understand the results and what type of T it is and how it relates to other hormones etc. They've said the only thing they can do is to refer him to an endocrinologist at the local hospital so that they can look into the results properly (or get yet more tests done...) and decide whether he needs any treatment. This is the part there could be a long wait for....He's trying to get this paid for by his work's health scheme, but they're debating whether or not 'men's health issues' are covered by the scheme and it's taking ages to get a response from them, as this just isn't a high priority problem. I guess we'll eventually find someone who will help, if we keep trying long enough.

blushingwife wrote:OP, your husband has seen an urologist right? Is the 9mo wait something the GP told him? And is that wait for an endocrinologist? Have you talked to your doctor and asked for a referral for the Barts hospital?


Blushingwife, yeah he went to a urologist at this same hospital. That was the one who lost his file for months and we had no idea, so just waited and waited until eventually we questioned it and found out the mistake. That's why we had to start over with all the referalls from the GP and everything - so frustrating. This wait is for the endocrinologist and apparently the doctors surgery had already put the referall forms through to the local hosptial before I found out about the Barts Hospital. I wish we could ask to get it changed to this reccommended hosptial, but I can't bear to have yet another conversation with DH about this just now. He says that I'm coming up with suggestions about what we should do every few days at the moment, and he sees that as just reminding him of the problem, and that is hurtful which obviously increases the anxiety again. I think deep down he knows I'm trying to help, but I can see why it upsets him when I keep mentioning things we should try.

I think I'll wait a month or so and if we don't hear anything back from this local hospital, or if he manages to get an appointment and they don't really seem to be helpful, then we'll go back to the GP and try to get a referral to the Barts Hospital. At least he has now finally found a GP who will take him seriously. Even though she doesn't really understand the problem herself, she is willing to believe it might be a genuine medical problem and will help with getting the right person to treat it....I am immensely thankful for that and for this forum for all the support and for the ideas of what to investigate.........without this forum we would never even know that his T was low.

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Re: Don't know how much longer I can take this....:(

Postby confused_wife20s » Mon Mar 01, 2010 6:02 am

mamame wrote:I disagree about the no pressure for a year. The only way I would agree to that is under the advice of 3 different professional counselors. Seriously - it's not OK at all.

The problem I have, and I know this is my fault because I am not a strong enough person, is that the only way I can detach and switch off from the problem completely (which is what DH has asked of me), is if I distance myself from my DH. I can forget about the problem by concentrating on doing the things I enjoy and spending more time on my own or with girl friends doing fun things, more time with my pets or on forums online, etc. Whenever I'm with him I'm just longing for a closeness I'm not receiving at the moment, which makes it very hard to not worry or stress about the problem. I am sure this distance that is developing is very detrimental to our marriage. I feel like we are growing apart further each day that this goes on and it breaks my heart.


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