ED problems in 20s

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
confused_wife20s
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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby confused_wife20s » Sun Jan 23, 2011 3:37 pm

Just an update... for the first time in 3 yrs we r both feeling really positive we r on our way to solving things. Frequency of LM suits us both. PIV now possible about half the time without meds! Dh uses the meds as an extra help if he really wants to LM but knows he's a bit tired. Dh has learned to enjoy PIV and to O during PIV sometimes! All this seemed so impossible a few months ago. I feel so grateful! Things r great and continue to improve. It just took us a while! It's as if dh is suddenly awakened to this whole side of life and all the bonding, joy and fun it brings. Before it was only a challenge or chore to him. Thanks to all here for the support, advice and prayers! We hope things continue so eventually we won't need meds at all...but whatever happens we've learned how to hav lots of fun in ML of whatever form is possible at the time :)

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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Jan 25, 2011 8:17 am

So glad to hear that CW. Praise to God!
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby James186282 » Wed Jan 26, 2011 4:25 pm

Great post on the issue of ED. Its not just total failure all the time. ED can be just a frequent failure to get or maintain an erection and it can be a real nightmare for the marriage.

The pumps can do wonders but avoid the "porn store" devices and talk to a doctor about a real "medical" one with penile constriction bands. And YES you want to limit how long they are worn. 30 minutes is about the max. I think before that it would be pretty uncomfortable.

One thing I learned about this way of doing things is that you have to set aside some time with the lights on to read the manual, try the thing and figure out which band (or bands) you need to maintain an erection. Its not just one size fits all. And if you can't get a proper seal with the pump you may need to shave a small area around the base of the penis.

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Any other young couples dealing with long term ED?

Postby confused_wife20s » Thu Apr 24, 2014 2:43 am

Hi! Just looking for other young couples dealing with ED...we've been working through this since our marriage 7 years ago in our mid 20s. Hoping to find some support from others in a similar situation as I feel so alone in being young and dealing with long term unexplained ED. It has at times had severe detrimental effects on our relationship. At times my DH is in denial that there is a problem and at other times it gets blamed on me for not doing things right, not being attractive etc. At the moment we are in a better place, using meds to help, but given our past I find it difficult not to feel I'm the one to blame, am not desirable etc. I worry that maybe he would not need the meds if he was with someone he found more attractive and sometimes I get very depressed. I get depressed about it all. We do love each other very much. This is our only real issue. Interested to learn about others' coping strategies and treatments....

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Re: Any other young couples dealing with long term ED?

Postby kupplekansas » Thu Apr 24, 2014 3:15 am

Perhaps more info would help us to help you. What "meds" is he on? And when you say "its better" than it was 7 years ago, what exactly is better?
Him

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Re: Any other young couples dealing with long term ED?

Postby InGodsGrace » Thu Apr 24, 2014 4:48 am

I'm sorry, but blaming you for not being attractive enough is ANOTHER issue. Is the bedroom the only place he puts you down?

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Re: Any other young couples dealing with long term ED?

Postby CandC320 » Thu Apr 24, 2014 10:56 am

His ED may be a result of a number of things not related to his attraction to you. I have had ED issues due to "performance anxiety", stress, worry and physical conditions. Also, the "meds" (Viagra, Levitra and Cialis) will not give you an erection unless you are sexually aroused. If he achieves an erection with the "meds", it is because he is aroused by you, not because of the meds.

DH

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Re: Any other young couples dealing with long term ED?

Postby Ballad » Thu Apr 24, 2014 2:09 pm

I had en experience with ED on our wedding night and years later, it started to come back sporadically. It is quite bad these days. Age 35.

I don't have much practical advice, since I don't have "the solution" myself, but I can say that my wife took it into her own head that I didn't find her attractive as demonstrated by the ED, but that is so not true. Nothing to do with it. I'm sorry that you have actually heard those words. Which of you brought it up first?

Also remember that anything said in the heat of frustration is unfiltered and may be venting, rather than truth.

There is a thread about a recent study (shared by CandC320, funny enough) which says that basic healthy living is a big part of overcoming ED, and reminds me that I am chronically short on sleep. How is your/his lifestyle--diet, exercise, the usual culprits?

I'll pray for you and your husband now.
And what is the future, happy one?
'A sea beneath a cloudless sun;
A mighty, glorious, dazzling sea
Stretching into infinity.’

--Emily Brontë

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Re: Any other young couples dealing with long term ED?

Postby confused_wife20s » Thu Apr 24, 2014 7:00 pm

kupplekansas wrote:What "meds" is he on?

The meds are viagra, seems to work very reliably. What's better now is we have finally started to communicate properly about the issue this last few weeks. He admits there had been a problem in the past and it relates to his upbringing and religious groups he attended resulting in him training himself not to be interested in sex as a teenager/early 20 something. This was then combined with extreme performance anxiety after a few failures early in our marriage, he's only just starting to overcome this anxiety.

InGodsGrace wrote:I'm sorry, but blaming you for not being attractive enough is ANOTHER issue. Is the bedroom the only place he puts you down?

Yes, in fact this was only a recent reason he gave for things not working for him and only when I was. Now I'm back to pre pregnancy figure more or less and he makes a point of telling me I'm beautiful very often. He also makes it clear he thinks the world of me. However, his comments did seriously affect my self esteem when pregnant and contributed to my developing depression and anxiety. Before the pregnancy there were all sorts of excuses given for the ed, mainly about conditions in the room not being perfect or me not doing exactly the right manouevres at the right times during foreplay...It made sex very stressful and hard work for me!

CandC320 wrote: If he achieves an erection with the "meds", it is because he is aroused by you, not because of the meds.

That's so reassuring - thanks! I'd heard the meds don't work without attraction/desire but still have a difficult time convincing myself. I know he loves me and that's why he takes them, but it would be nice to believe he physically desires me as well.

Ballad wrote:Also remember that anything said in the heat of frustration is unfiltered and may be venting, rather than truth.

Thanks Ballad, yes I think the unattractiveness comments from him about my pregnant body were more him protecting himself really, still hurt though. He is always overstressed with work and seems to seek out stress in life! He's also always sleep deprived as a result and a bit overweight although does exercise regularly. Diet is ok. I guess the stress doesn't help matters at all though.

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Re: Any other young couples dealing with long term ED?

Postby SquarePants » Thu Apr 24, 2014 7:53 pm

confused_wife20s wrote:Had T checked which came back as low normal, so went to an endo who rechecked it as fine and not low enough to cause ED, although may explain his LD.


What were his actual testosterone numbers? Many doctors are WAY too conservative in treating testosterone, and are using reference levels that are unreasonable. For example, the standard reference ranges do not consider age. His levels may be low-normal for a 90 year old man, but not for someone his age.

Also, did he get his estrogen levels checked? What kind of shape is he in? Does he have much body fat?

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Re: Any other young couples dealing with long term ED?

Postby confused_wife20s » Mon Apr 28, 2014 12:00 am

Hi Squarepants, yep his number came out at 9 on a scale that went from 8 to 25, so low normal. They wouldn't treat him as said potential risk of infertility and personality changes outweighed benefits. I came to accept his lowish T is therefore part of what makes him the wonderful person I love and ML only 2 x a month is part of that and I'm ok so long as we have lots of other affection as well. Anyway I guess for viagra to work he must have some level of desire. Also all other hormones came back normal, including oestrogen. He is a bit overweight and is working on that, but generally fit and active. Endo said performance anxiety seemed to be the major issue and prescribed viagra....

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Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby confused_wife20s » Thu May 22, 2014 2:56 pm

Hi, would be really grateful of any ideas and advice here....So dh has had psychogenic ED our entire 6 year marriage. It has caused a lot of confusion, emotional hurt and damage to our relationship. We are finally at a point we are starting to communicate about it and repair our relationship. I would like to know anyone's opinions on the following:

1. DH says he used to have ED but it is no longer a problem, the only problem is in my head due to my own anxiety, but he will take viagra for my benefit. to stop me being anxious over sex. However without viagra we will ML around 2-3x a month and only maybe half the time can he get an erection enough for PIV. Doesn't this sound like he still has some ED? Is it really just me making it up?
2. Dh says 'I don't really need the viagra but I'll take it for you and because it makes things easier, but I will get side effects'. I asked if we can find an alternative solution then and he refuses. After we ML he spends part of the day complaining about the side effects and also reminding me he doesn't need the viagra and is going through all this for me. This makes me feel terrible. I've convinced him to try a lower dose so hoping that may help with this issue, but his behavior at present isn't exactly making me feel good about ML.
3. Supposing we do find a viagra dose/alternative med that's acceptable....DH knows piv is important to me and that to me it is already a compromise to have it only 2x a month instead of 2x a week I would desire. If he can provide piv only with the aid of an ED med, is it selfish and wrong of me to feel disappointed when he doesn't bother to do this for me just twice a month? I know it's all about the male ego but I've spent so many years protecting his ego, to the detriment ofmy own self esteem and mental health. I wonder if it would be so wrong and selfish for me to occasionally ask or remind him to take a pill at the start of foreplay

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Re: Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby C_Brown » Thu May 22, 2014 4:32 pm

You don't mention your ages but since you have only been married 6 years I'll assume you guys are below 40. It should not be a problem at all for guy to be able to engage fully in PIV 3 times a week, or even 5 or 7 times so I would say there is an ED problem there if he really isn't capable. How do you know his ED is psychogenic? Has he had his testosterone levels checked? Is there some stress in the relationship or does he feel hurt or worry about your feelings for him or feel pressured to perform? Those can cause a guy to shut down sexually.

As for alternatives Viagra, you can get a low-dose cialis (5 or 10mg) that you take once a day. Cialis stays in your system for 36 hours I think so you just take one a day and you should be good to go about anytime, you don't have to plan sex out ahead of time to fit Viagra's 4 hour window. They say a guy on that should be capable of PIV once a day.

Lastly, if you need more frequent PIV to feel sexually fulfilled, it is not selfish of you to want it and ask for it. As your husband he ought to do all he can to meet your needs and make you feel loved and wanted and happy. I kind of think that perhaps something else is going on in his head. It could be he feels ashamed and 'not a real man' by the situation or something else. I think you guys need to talk.
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Re: Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby confused_wife20s » Fri May 23, 2014 3:17 am

Hi!

Thanks so much for the quick reply! We are early 30s and the ED has been ongoing since we got married at age 25. DH went for all the physical tests and counseling and the conclusion was that ED was due only to performance anxiety. We tried for years to work through this by just relaxing about ML but eventually when the ED persisted for years I worried it could no longer be just performance anxiety and it must be to do with me. I lost a lot of confidence and became very upset about the ED, which of course unintentionally put even more performance pressure on DH as he knew I was upset, so yes there definitely is at least some contribution from performance anxiety. I'm so relieved that you agree our situation does sound like ED. My husband is always trying to convince me it's just in my head. It's not nice to be made out to be crazy by your own spouse!

More recently DH had admitted the original cause of his ED was the retraining of his brain to avoid sexual thoughts that he did at Christian youth groups in his late teens and early 20s. It made him very anxious about sex and not very interested. This was combined with huge performance anxiety about whether he would please me. He was very conflicted and confused about what sort of physical contact was permissible before marriage and it led to a lot of guilt and anxiety for him which carried. over into the start of our marriage.
The cialis alternative sounds a great idea and I will talk to dh about trialling it.

Yes we have talked a huge amount recently about the situation, the past ED, my resulting anxiety and depression, the pressure this involuntary reaction of mine puts on him to perform and the consequent continuation of the viscious cycle of performance anxiety. I know I was much more supportive in the first few years in trying not to show any reaction to failed sexual encounters, but the ed never went away and over time, suppressing all my feelings caused me to get very depressed and anxious about our relationship.

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Re: Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby C_Brown » Fri May 23, 2014 6:07 am

Is he OK with giving your oral sex or manual sex? If he can bring you to orgasm either of those ways it could take some performance pressure off. It sounds like his denying there is an ED problem is a defense mechanism, he doesn't want to see himself as 'broken' in that area or feels ashamed of himself. Some professional counseling might be a good idea.
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Re: Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby angellove » Fri May 23, 2014 10:27 am

Dh says 'I don't really need the viagra but I'll take it for you and because it makes things easier, but I will get side effects'. I asked if we can find an alternative solution then and he refuses. After we ML he spends part of the day complaining about the side effects and also reminding me he doesn't need the viagra and is going through all this for me. This makes me feel terrible. I've convinced him to try a lower dose so hoping that may help with this issue, but his behavior at present isn't exactly making me feel good about ML.


This isn't okay. My dh was doing the same thing for a while, but eventually, I had to call him out on that. It wasn't helpful for him to make me feel bad or guilt me for wanting to have sex with him. The martyr thing got to me after a while.

I wonder about the comment that "he doesn't need the viagra" -- is he saying that he doesn't 'need' to have sex with you? I ask because that is what my dh thought/thinks about our marriage bed. He struggles with 'feeling' that sex is good and holy and proper for Christians.

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Re: Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby CandC320 » Fri May 23, 2014 1:53 pm

If sex is important to you in your marriage, it should be important to him too. When I started having occasional bouts of ED I asked my doctor for samples of the ED meds he had in his office. There are some side effects to all three meds he gave me. They are a small price to pay to continue to have good sex in our marriage. The side effects can be mitigated. I experience a slight congestion in my nasal passages, heart burn and muscle aches. I take a zantac to deal with the heart burn and neproxin for the muscle aches. My DW has thanked me for taking Viagra. :D

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Re: Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby Nvr2Late » Fri May 23, 2014 4:46 pm

Wow, it sounds like someone did a real number on your DH's head when he was younger. I can't imagine what sort of "retraining of the brain" would have had this effect but it sure doesn't sound healthy or wise to me. How much have you been able to talk about this with him? Has he had any subsequent marital counseling that might help counteract it?

Perhaps there's more to the story that I've missed, but would your DH really only want to make love a couple times a month, left to his own devices?
And what happens if you try to engage in lovemaking without a Viagra? Complete failure on his part? I don't understand why he'd take it if he "doesn't need it" given he complains about the side effects.

I agree with Angellove, the guilt-tripping has got to stop. It sounds like you're just trying to have a normal Christian MB from what I hear. It sounds like you guys are really going through it with all the anxiety and depression and so on. It sounds like a never-ending loop :( Is there any chance you can get professional help?
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Re: Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby confused_wife20s » Thu Jun 05, 2014 2:54 am

C_Brown, thanks yes. Other forms of ML are enjoyable to us but the intimacy of PIV is still important to me, especially if it can be achieved fairly easily with the help of ED meds.

We did attend fortnightly counseling for over a year, including sensate focus. It was mainly about trying to relax, enjoy each other and see what happens. While it helped build intimacy, it did not resolve the ED, the psychological part of this seems to have been too ingrained for this type of therapy to help.

Angelove, yes the guilt tripping is very hurtful. I think he is somehow doing it as a defensive thing. We need to be united on our chosen solution though, which is tricky when he no longer believes there's a problem!

CandC320, thanks for your support. It's great to know things can be so different and a couple can work together on dealing with ED without it causing so much emotional pain and sadness
. Hopefully one day we'll get there too.

Nvr2late, yes the brain retraining seems to have been very damaging although maybe my dh's personality was just such that he was particularly susceptible and vulnerable to these long term effects, as well as performance anxiety. Combined with his having a very controlling mother, very high stress levels, constant exhaustion from overwork and more recently becoming overweight, I guess he must be in the high risk category for ED despite his young age. Without a viagra we can sometimes have successful PIV although generally it is a struggle to get and keep him aroused and it is kind of stop start. He says he doesn't need the V as following our sex therapy he is sure he has no problems and it is normal for PIV to be so stop start and up and down. He says mosy guys can only keep it hard for 30 seconds to a minute before they get bored and it starts to go down and they have to start over with MS or change position. He also sometimes tells me I am doing it wrong, that I have to get him hard through MS and then I have a 2 to 3 second window to get him inside otherwise it will go down. I just can't always coordinate to get the P in the V quick enough and start moving while gripping tight enough to provide enough friction to keep him aroused. It makes me feel [edit] that I find it so difficult to do this quick enough. When he uses a V we have no problem getting him inside and keeping him aroused. He refuses to go to counseling for himself as he believes he knows where the psychological issues have been and he just needs to work on avoiding future performance anxiety. He says the main important thing is for me to not get upset about the ED even when it goes on for months and if I can do this it will prove I love him even when sex doesn't work. Then after a few years of this his performance anxiety will eventually disappear. I find this puts a lot of pressure on me though. It's hard to go on for months and never show any frustration and not let the problem hurt my self esteem. I myself have been to 2 counsellors about this, but they just work with me on trying to accept the situation. as it is and accept we may only have ML occasionally and very rare PIV. I have to focus on all the good things about the relationship.

Nvr2late, yes I agree the brain retraining must havebeen pretty

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Re: Any advice/opinions ..communication over viagra use..

Postby Nvr2Late » Thu Jun 05, 2014 11:46 am

He says he doesn't need the V as following our sex therapy he is sure he has no problems and it is normal for PIV to be so stop start and up and down. He says mosy guys can only keep it hard for 30 seconds to a minute before they get bored and it starts to go down and they have to start over with MS or change position. He also sometimes tells me I am doing it wrong, that I have to get him hard through MS and then I have a 2 to 3 second window to get him inside otherwise it will go down.
I'm sorry, but this simply IS NOT true for "most" guys.

Bored? What? If he is bored with lovemaking in less than a minute's time, there are much larger problems than I thought. It sounds like he's defensively justifying his problem.

If you're "doing it wrong" have you asked him to show you what he likes? Would he feel free to discuss what you could do to help more?

He refuses to go to counseling for himself as he believes he knows where the psychological issues have been and he just needs to work on avoiding future performance anxiety.
This isn't a very loving response, IMO. It sounds like pride, and control freak thinking. How long is long enough for him to try to master this thing? But it's ok for you to continue to see counselors even though he is the one with the problem. What about the damage it's doing to your relationship? Is that acceptable to him?

Of course you love him "even when sex doesn't work". But in a sense, this is a type of refusal in the MB. I don't know what else to say. If this were my husband, I'd be laying down some serious conditions and the top of the list would be for him to get some intensive therapy. Your counselors just tell you to accept this situation and offer no solutions? I wouldn't be able to accept that, myself. I sure will be praying for you guys :(
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