After checking the interaction on this thread, I thought I'd wade in carefully. Chiefly, because we been married for decades, my ED has popped up
in just the past few years, my prostate has been worked on, and I've never used T-hormone or ED meds. So, we don't quite match-up with your situation CD20 or others posting on this thread.
CD20, what BW stated may have merit, and in my case, it's possibly quite true. Once I experienced the 1st bout of ED that culminated in the inability to finish, it weighed on our minds (mine and Mrs. Oldbear). Today, we are at a good place. How and why?
* We talked/talk about it and embrace it.
Mrs. Oldbear is very encouraging and never makes me feel,inadequate. Vice versa, she knows that any ED has nothing to do with her attraction to me. She's the whole package - inside and outside beauty and we are deeply in love. It is my custom to often compliment her on her dress and carriage, express my love verbally and physically - daily. She knows it's genuine, and relishes it.
* We read and listen/listened to good experience and advice, leaning heavily on knowledgeable/wise advice.
TMB is a wealth of info - folks here are experienced and knowledgeable - plus they are encouraging. My physician is a treasure trove of insight and we tap plenty of research and resources. Most important, we take biblical advice seriously and our MB reflects to joy of God's purpose and intent for marriage. This practically leads to always being generous with each other and patient with each other.
* We learned to laugh about my ED not fret about it.
One of our friends remarried after losing her DH (one of my best friends). She shared this piece of advice with Mrs. Oldbear given to the newly marrieds by their Dr. during pre-marital consultation. 'When everything works in the MB - enjoy every part of it and the moment. When either of you just can't make it, or things don't work - laugh about it. Making love will not be perfect every time, so accept it, and keep on practicing.' That's good advice for all of us. Most recently, Mrs. Oldbear and I have never laughed so much in our entire married life!
* We develop/developed techniques to overcome ED when it rears/reared up (opposite of the desired effect!).
Mrs. Oldbear is very generous and aware of my libido. From time to time, she provokes me with the way she looks and acts - and does so on purpose! And whenever she senses I'm a bit frisky, she'll take advantage of it by generously stopping everything to take care of me - a quick rendezvous in the shower, for example. This doesn't happen often, but her sensitivity and willing spirit satisfies both of us, and encourages me. We also have taken to 'she comes first.' That way, I can fully focus on her and then she focuses on me. It works quite effectively for both of us, removing any angst to try to work on each other and ourselves at the same time.
* We determined not to use ED medication. [For those using an ED medication, you are commended and respected. We just decided to not use it given side effects and potential dependency. It's what all of us do - weigh the pros and cons. Not a right or wrong decision.]
The final thought is that perfection in LMing, for us at least, is over blown. We enjoy a little firecracker and a star burst as much as the grand finale boom. More often than not, we enjoy a remarkable display of fireworks from a little pop, a surprising cluster of beauty, and climatic finish. However, we've also learned to love the fizzles.
ED is grounded in physical maladies, to be certain, but the mind is a magnificent mechanism, so any and all means to ease the mind and accept what is, helps immensely.