ED problems in 20s

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby confused_wife20s » Sun Jun 13, 2010 8:07 am

Right, I have thought about this some more. I also saw some medical articles about psychological dependence on ED meds which scared me!

I think I am going to leave it and not mention the need to order more V in time for the vacation. Things are going along ok and I don't want to risk upsetting dh. I think if I ask him to order more V it's saying that I'm not confident that he can manage PIV without it. It should be up to him now to do what he knows is best with that. From all the physicial signs, I'm sure he could do it sometimes, it just the nerves combined with stress and tiredness.... and it not being practical to ML at the times when it would be more likely to work (e.g. early mornings before work). Hopefully the vacation will provide lots of relaxation and more time to ML at times which are best for DH. Maybe if that happens then he'll be ok with trying PIV without help and if it works out that will really boost his confidence. I could see things really improving this next few weeks if I can just do what's best for DH. We're already working towards an improvement and I feel like what happens now is so crucial to avoid going back to where we were....unfortunately that idea starts to put pressure on us both.

I guess if it happens that PIV just isn't successful on the vacation it's no big deal, we can decide where to go from there and whether to order more V...there are no deadlines in getting things sorted, after all.

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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Jun 13, 2010 1:47 pm

I've had/am having similar problems--OK with anything but PIV. We had problems with painful intercourse for DW when we got married, and now again after a hysterectomy. The pain is gone now for the most part, but if she flinches or anything, it's all over for me, even though she assures me the little pain she experiences if any is no big deal. Fortunately she doesn't normally O from PIV anyway, but she likes having me in her, and of course I love it too! When things go west, we've just been finishing off with manual or intermamarry, and not making a big deal about it. DW has been very good about it.

It is getting better. The last thing I need or your DH needs is to worry about it. She usually takes charge of intromission, which helps me a lot. I did have low testosterone, and started low-dose supplimentation. I'm not back to normal, but at 4-5x/week instead of 1 or 2 -- enough to keep DW satisfied. I'd rather let the old balls make as much as they can. Anyway, let's pray for each other, OK? :D

I've never tried Viagra or anything like that, but I've read here on TMB that hi-dosage tablets cost the same as low-dosage tablets. So if he is on a low dosage, buy the high-dosage and get a pill splitter.
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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby Mr. Rkt » Mon Jun 14, 2010 5:54 am

It's a tricky thing. I think your second post is probably the right attitude for now. I went through this as well, so I'll share.

I had ED in 2006 and 2007. It had both a psylogical and physiological component. In time it was mostly psychological, and I used Viagra with great success to get through it. I used it on and off for about 11 months. I noticed on my own that one of the times I didn't use it went just as well as if I had, and I decided to put it away. From that point on, I never really needed it again. But it did take time.

I think you're wise to take great care in how you mention it. Even an encouraging word from my wife, if worded the wrong way, could trigger the confidence problems I was having at the time. For example, if a LM session went especially well, she would ask "That was fantastic! Did you take a pill?" She was meaning to encourage me, to tell me that it went really well, and she really wanted to know if the pills were helping. But what I heard was completely different.

In time, the sexual relationship and my own self confidence did build. But it did take quite a bit of time. A loving and supportive wife was for me, as it is for your marriage, a key element of the healing.
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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby confused_wife20s » Wed Jun 16, 2010 7:04 am

Thanks for the helpful replies.

Ledgemoor, sorry to hear you are still in a similar situation to us and also about the pain experienced previously by your DW. I can see how that must be worrying and cause stress with ML. Sounds like you are both doing all the right things to work through it though. It's good to hear that the T supplements are helping and that you are finding other interesting and fun ways of ML. We've done a lot of this too as we think it's really important to continue to enjoy ML even if things aren't quite happening as easily as we hope with PIV. I'm praying for you and your DW too. It sounds like you have a really great and supportive relationship and I'm sure that means things will all heal in time, as I am for my DH and I.

Mr Rkt. Thanks for the encouragement. It's really helpful to hear from someone who's been there and got through this. I think we are hoping for a similar approach. We'll continue using the V but not every time. On the times when the V is not used, there's less stress for PIV to work, as it's pretty much guaranteed to work next time we use the V. Hopefully the less pressure there is for things to work, the more likely they are to work....Hopefully this will give dh more confidence and eventually he'll quit the V altogether.

As it happens, the worry over getting the next order in time was no big deal as DH told me that he'd ordered some more V to make sure we have it for the vacation, so I needn't have stressed about it anyway...I think DH and I are both on the same page about the plan for working through this now, so we'll get there in the end.

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Re: Going to the endocrinologist re low T, any advice?

Postby James186282 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 7:57 pm

mom210 wrote:You can either be primary ( just the testes involved ..they are not producing T) or secondary..which can have other causes... a lot of time being pituitary related... so the testes *could* work..if they were sent the right signal from the pituitary gland.... in many cases TRT is still the method of treatment for both.

No! Thats not correct. If the testes are working you don't want to put him on HRT. Taking testosterone will only insure the testicles are not "operating" and they do atrophy. If his Testes are ok but the signals are missing you can use a drug that stimulates production such as Clomid or ahh... can't think of the name? Its HCG? Anyway, Google Primary Hypogonadism versus secondary and look at the different treatments. Its VERY important to know what type of hormone problem he has.

BTW if he had the working testes and you do use a drug like Clomid you can keep him fertile as well.

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Re: Going to the endocrinologist re low T, any advice?

Postby mom210 » Sat Jul 17, 2010 8:22 pm

This may be true... but most people have a hard enough time finding a dr that will prescribe the testosterone in many cases and they will not test further to get to the primary or secondary even... if you have low T now.. many people do not want to wait.. nor can they get a dr to prescribe clomid. Sad fact.. but true.

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Re: Going to the endocrinologist re low T, any advice?

Postby James186282 » Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:25 am

I understand finding a doctor well versed in this is not easy but its not worth being made infertile and dependent on HRT for life if you don't need to be.

My GP was pretty good at this but even she admitted this is not a problem she is expert on. When you need an expert she said a couple of good tips are this. Ask if the doctor knows someone who IS good at this and get a referral.

If they don't you can do some work yourself to narrow down who would be good.
Big name places like the Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins, etc. Any large teaching hospital (University) that teaches endos or urologists is a good start. Ask to talk to the "Triage" nurse and say what your dealing with and ask "Who is the person on the staff who would be best at helping me?" The Nurses can either say "Dr ______ is good" or "We really don't see that problem so maybe check elsewhere" and you save yourself a visit.

You can read up on this problem and share what you find with your doctor btw. That way you learn yourself whats going on, the doctor comes up to speed and everyone else (Who sees her / him later) will be better off.

A good book is "The Testosterone Syndrome" by Dr E Shrippen.
A good paper (USA) is the AACE Guidelines to male hypogonadism 2002.

"Gift" those to your doctor and ask them if they think this is good science or not? I think the second one is very valid in all cases. I think the book is probably very good as well.

If he is being treated for hormone problems the Viagra maybe more then a crutch for mental ED. I read that in many men "The penis does not recover after the insult of low testosterone" which I think means that low Testosterone can goof up male plumbing long term.

In any event if using Viagra works? What the heck. I say focus on the positive and don't dwell on it too much.

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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby confused_wife20s » Sat Jul 24, 2010 6:02 am

Thanks all for the helpful replies. We were actually in the process of seeing an endo about this. We got further test results analysed by the endo which confirmed that DH's T was normal as were all other related hormones, so even if it's at the low end of normal, it's ok for his age. I've now accept that if even if his T levels are a bit low compared to other guys his age, it's also a part of what makes him the wonderful man that I love and so have learned to be happy with this.

Also, from how things have improved since we worked through the counselling and have been using the V, I'm starting to think that low T either never was, or is no longer the main contributor to the problem in my DH's case. I think the problem with low desire was more due to the stress and pressure related to trying to ML due to psychological difficulties which have developed over many years. I don't think we'll ever get to the bottom of what really caused this. I can see in DHs past even before I met him that there are a number of events which though seemingly insignificant individually, could in combination really have contributed to his worry and low confidence concerning ML. Partly because of his waiting for so long (unitl our marriage) to ML, events with past girlfriends (leaving him because he refused to ML) and experience of relationship problems in his extended family (difficulties in trying to have children), he had placed so much importance on sex and his ability in this area, that it became something to really stress about. He seemed convinced that if he wasn't perfect at ML, then I would be disappointed and leave him. It took a long time to reassure him that it was all suppose to be about fun, love and learning together, rather than a test for him to perform!

DH's level of desire is now at 1-2 x per week in general, which works fine for us given our hectic work schedules, so we're a lot happier with things in this area. Also, I did read that stress itself can also cause temporary low T, so maybe it was a factor for a while, which has thankfully been greatly reduced lately. We'll keep working on it and see how things go...!

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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby ledgemoor » Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:35 am

Glad things are going better.

Stress can affect testosterone levels. I was a once-a-day guy before DW got sick, so I'm assuming my testosterone levels were OK then. And you are practically newlyweds. As he continues to improve and get more successes under his belt, his stress levels will go down, and performance will improve -- a reverse catch-22 :-) . Do point out to him that while anyone can have sex, doing it well is difficult, and doing it perfectly is impossible. 28 years here and still improving!

And performance anxiety would be a killer too. Before I started having real problems, I'd still fail to perform once in a while. Normal for any guy I would think. Had DW gotten upset about it (or if I thought she were upset about it), I can understand how it could be a big issue for me now.

His other girlfriends likely not only dumped him when he refused to have sex with him, but made disparaging remarks about his manhood. God bless him for not giving in, by the way. You can't get any maniler than that!

If you aren't already, give him charity sex sometimes, where you have no need on your part other than to just do whatever he wants. That's my definition of stress relief!

There are things he can do to increase his testosterone levels. Having sex is one of them :-) Also, try taking a zinc suppliment every day -- Testosterone eventually gets converted to estrogen, and zinc slows that process.

DHEA gets converted to testosterone. If they tested his DHEA levels and they are low or low-normal, he might try DHEA suppliments, available over-the-counter. Someone I know has low testosterone. The doctor is trying zinc and DHEA before giving him testosterone. Do read up on it -- there are safety concerns. I tried it for 2 weeks before I decided to go to the doctor. No difference, but no problems either. Two weeks may not have been long enough, and it turns out my DHEA levels were fine.

If he is overweight, losing weight will help. I am not fat, but, before I started testosterone, could have stood to lose 10% of my weight. I've lost 5% so far, and can tell a difference in my libido.

Also, I've quit wearing briefs and switched to boxer shorts -- I wore boxers for a few days because of laundry issues, and noticed things got better. I posted about it here and everyone thought it would make no difference, my experience was a coincidence. But WebMD says it may help. It can't hurt anything at any rate.

But the main thing is for him to just not sweat it, and enjoy whatever happens.

Things are going pretty well for us. Our lives are getting back to normal, and DW is not experiencing pain as much. She still does sometimes, but now I want it bad enough that I don't care. :-) And it seems that a good hard erection, while a little bigger, is not as likely to hurt her as trying to stuff something softish in there.
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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby James186282 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:23 pm

Just some food for thought. My labs were also "low normal" but my doctor had encouraged me to read up on this issue before seeing her for the results. I learned a couple of things. The average testosterone levels of men change as we age. Whats average for a man who is 35 is nothing like a man who is 85. The labs however reflect only "one" range that being normal for men all ages. Second the range itself has changed quite a bit as we learn more about male hromones and how we "tick" My labs were low normal pre 2002. After the AACE Guidelines they were treatment indicated. My doctor felt that either way I should have a trial run of Androgel to see if it would benefit me. I quickly saw positive changes and have been on some form of HRT for many years now. I think its been one of the best things thats happened to me! Mood, energy, sexual drive, ability to just DO things. Plus I was really having a mental fog that burned off when I went on HRT.

Read everything you can. Support ED Partners (A support group mostly for women on Yahoo) has a library that includes the Age versus average testosterone chart, the AACE guidelines to male Hypogonadism and other stuff that maybe of value.

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ED - emotional aspects and guilt for the DW

Postby confused_wife20s » Fri Aug 13, 2010 7:26 am

As I write this I'm feeling pretty down and really angry at myself. Yesterday I finally gave in and got upset about the ED issue after 5 months of coping really well. Unfortunately I couldn't hide my upset from DH and we ended up chatting about the problem, which always makes things worse for him for a long time afterwards.

I really feel like I've failed him, as I didn't keep my part of the bargain. The deal was that I wouldn't get upset or down when things weren't going well, and that I would accept that things are generally always improving. That way, we get out of the viscous circle of performance anxiety. Things were improving up until about 3 weeks ago, when they suddenly went downhill and then got gradually worse and we don't really know why. I know 3 weeks isn't that long, but when everything had been improving gradually for a few months it was really disheartening. I feel like such a bad person for not being able to cope and just take it in my stride. I keep reassuring DH that we're in this together and I know we can sort it one day. Please can someone pray that I will learn to be more patient and learn some strategies for coping with the frustration without showing my feelings to DH, or better still, to avoid these feelings ever developing. I know we can get through this, but I feel like my outburst will have set us back to where we were 5 months ago (i.e. the last time I let things upset me).

I'm not trying to make an excuse for my behaviour, but I find it really difficult not being able to talk about the problem and keeping all my feelings inside. DH and I normally share everything, and are a source of strength for each other in coping in all other areas of life. I feel like such a bad DW at the moment. I have hurt the person who is most dear to me in the whole world.

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Re: ED - emotional aspects and guilt for the DW

Postby ledgemoor » Fri Aug 13, 2010 10:51 am

Things were improving up until about 3 weeks ago, when they suddenly went downhill and then got gradually worse and we don't really know why.


Chaos theory? Life is like that -- three steps forward and two back -- if you're lucky.

Don't beat yourself up. I would be upset if my wife weren't upset (i.e. didn't care) about my ED. So you can't win :-) Apologize and forget about it.

You have a right to expect his best in bed, which might just involve fingers and mouth. So assuming he is doing that, be sure to show appreciation of course -- it's more than a lot of gals are getting -- but it's OK to miss PIV, and you don't have to keep that a secret.

Please can someone pray that I will learn to be more patient


Will do. Reminds me of a song our children used to listen to -- It was a rap-sounding piece with lines sort of like this:

God, hellp me have patience. Patience is a wonderful thing. I want it, gotta have it. Lord, give it to me -- NOW. :-)
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ED - how can a partner stop feeling guilty/insecure?

Postby confused_wife20s » Sat Aug 21, 2010 5:04 am

I'm hoping this will be the last issue I'm needing advice on for a while. I think we just need to give everything time to work out. My DH and I are working through the ED problem through a combination of counselling and medication. My only remaining problem is that I still sometimes feel insecure about why it's difficult for things to work when we don't use the medication. All the medical people he's seen have said the problem is psychological. There are no physical issues. His T level is a bit on the low side, but apparently not enough to cause this problem. It seems the psychological problems are definitely the key player. It's possible there was a medical issue at the start, perhaps stress, tiredness, or something which started this off (which was basically from our wedding night), but since the medical problem (if it existed) was resolved, the only problem has been performance anxiety.

So, if it's all psychological....even though he reassures me it's not me, deep down I'm still a bit insecure. Is it because he was never quite sure I'm the one? Did I do something wrong to make him worry? If things always work with the drugs and sometimes without, shouldn't that be evidence enough that he does love and desire me, and it's just his anxiety that plays up sometimes. Is it true that he would have to feel some desire for the drugs to work at all? That's what I really want to believe, but my mind plays tricks on me sometimes and makes me wonder...why...why?! Why did it happen in the first place. What's wrong with us?! I can't help feeling worried or guilty about these things and although we do all we can to keep the anxiety at bay and keep things fun, it's going to take me some time to just accept that using the meds doesn't mean that he doesn't really want to ML in the first place and is just doing it to keep me happy.

I'd like to know, do any other DW's out there have any of the same feelings sometimes, and what's the best way to forget about them? Of course, I would never let DH know I still feel this sometimes, and I really hope he can't pick up on it, as I wouldn't want to hurt him ever again about this.

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Re: ED - how can a partner stop feeling guilty/insecure?

Postby ledgemoor » Sat Aug 21, 2010 7:21 am

Not a DW either, but based on my experience, it may not be psychological at all. We went thru some stressful times, and my libido went out the window overnight. Testosterone tested low normal too. DW is very hot, the marriage is good considering the circumstances, I love her, I wanted to do it, but got erections infrequently, and they were not really erections. DW's bioidentical Hormone Replacement Doctor prescribed me some testosterone. It took a while, but I am back and haven't felt this good since I was 30 (am 50+ now). Obviously, the "normal" testosterone level for some guys is not enough for other guys.

If a guy's body is working right, he will get erections if he hasn't ejaculated in a while, even from something as minor as seeing a stranger on the street who may not be particularly pretty, but has a little cleavage showing.

Anyway, it's not your fault. He has a medical issue. Don't feel insecure. He says it's not you, and you see nothing in his behavior to indicate otherwise, so you HAVE to take his word for it. Frankly, there is no bigger turnoff than a beautiful woman who lacks confidence. On the flip-side, there's nothing as hot as a woman who THINKS she's hot.

He may not have been 100% certain you are THE ONE when he married you. That's OK and 100% normal. Marriage is a risk.

Even if it is primarily a psychological, that doesn't mean it is an less real or any less of a medical problem. You can't separate the mind and the body.

Medicine is more a black art than a science. They may never know the cause. I would be a wreck if DW thought I didn't love or desire her since I take Testosterone. So use the meds, and thank God for them.
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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby confused_wife20s » Sat Oct 16, 2010 6:02 am

well, unfortunately we're having a difficult time with this problem again :(

At this stage DH only needs the meds for PIV. Anything else and he is fine without it. He always loses things more quickly with PIV. He now says that he doesn't believe we have a problem any more (maybe he's right?!). He says he thinks it's a pretty normal situation and he reckons most guys in their 20s are taking ED meds most of the time. He says the only problem is that without them he can only keep things up for a minute or so of PIV and that's not enough time for him to O (he generally takes about 30 mins or doesn't O at all). He's certain now there's no physical OR psychological problem. He says it's not anxiety or negative feelings as he's no longer worried about the problem. He says it's just the way he is and so we'll always need to use the meds if we want PIV. I found it easier to accept there was some sort of medical problem causing this. Surely it can't be normal at our age (it started mid twenties)? If there is no physical or psych problem, then that suggests it#s something about me or the relationship that unerlies this issue and that's why I'm finding his comments so difficult to deal with :( However, he reassures me that it's really nothing to do with that. It's just how he is made and how he works. That sounds to me like there is a physical problem then....I just want to convince myself that I'm fine with this and that I accept that we'll always just do plan B or use the meds. We do enjoy it after all:)

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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby ledgemoor » Sat Oct 16, 2010 6:42 am

So sorry to hear that. However, you are making progress since your first post -- he is williong to use the Viagra now, right? It's not normal for someone in their 20's, or 50's for that matter, to need medication to have PIV sex. But we're not normal, so thank God for the meds!

I suggest that he try testosterone supplimentation.Try to solve the problem as naturally as possible. Low testosterone screws up so much more than your sex life. It's just that you notice ED right away, but heart trouble takes longer to develop.

Also, do Kegel exercises if you aren't already. A tighter vagina will provide more stimulation for him, and you too for that matter. Kegels for him would improve blood flow to that area too.

Don't blame your relationship or yourself. That could all be perfect, but without proper chemistry it ain't happening!
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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby gymaddict » Sat Oct 16, 2010 8:23 am

A great percentage of men in thier late 50s are battling E D. From what I read, younger men are not immune from it either.

On the cost of E D drugs, www.alldaychemist.com has generic viagra, levitra, and cialis at rock bottom prices. They work as well as the prescription drugs. They are located in India and I have found all thier drugs to be safe.

Cialis (generic Ceebis, Cooper Pharmacueticals on that site) would probably be great for your husband taken every other day or every third day. Cialis/Ceebis allows you to be spontaneous.

One more thing: Men on the yahoo Hypogonadism2 website report that getting your T levels up may solve libido problems, but it will not solve E D problems.

I wish you well. The generic Viagra I have found to be just like the prescription Viagra in potency as represented. The Ceebis is touted to be 20 mg like the prescription Cialis, but it is not. Ceebis for me is like 8 to 10 mg of tadalafil even though it is marketed at 20 mg by Cooper Pharma.

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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby ledgemoor » Sat Oct 16, 2010 9:48 am

One more thing: Men on the yahoo Hypogonadism2 website report that getting your T levels up may solve libido problems, but it will not solve E D problems.


Not true at all in my case. I went from barely functional to able to get an erection most any time I want, from 100mg of testosterone per week. I have never tried viagra, cialis, prolatis, or anything like that. I think a lot of guys here on TMB would report similar results.

BTW, libido wasn't so much of a problem. I WANTED to do it, but couldn't. Libido is better with the testosterone, however. DW looks a lot hotter too, so it improves vision also :-) .

Low testosterone does cause erectile difficulties. That's not the only cause of course. But if it is, testosterone will fix it.
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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby mom210 » Sat Oct 16, 2010 11:52 am

dh is 51..has really no medical problems that would cause ED..but did have Low T.. TRT helped with the ED problem ( now he only has difficulty late at night) but did not remove it entirely.

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Re: How to stop need ED meds for psychological ED - any advice?

Postby confused_wife20s » Sun Oct 17, 2010 4:36 am

Thanks all for the helpful comments and ideas. All the stuff about testosterone worries me because we spent a good few emotionally painful and stressful months pursuing that route last yr. Dh was eventually able to see a specialist and after many many tests was again told his T was low normal and all other relevant hormones fine. This T level was apparently not low enough to cause ED and he was recommended to try viagra to get over his performance anxiety. They said T therapy could do more harm than good at his age. So not an option I'm afraid. Natural supplements, maybe but i can't really suggest trying anything else at the moment for fear of stressing dh over the ED. His libido is ok now for us. He wants ML 1 or 2 per wk and looks and touches me with desire at other times, so all improving there. Maybe we'll just have to learn to live with ED and DE as a medical thing and stop beating ourselves up over them.


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