UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
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happilymarriedkate
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UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Tue Jan 14, 2014 10:24 am

Background: DH is 42. We have been married for nearly 22 years. We have enjoyed an active sex life, which has varied in frequency depending on the season (babies, etc). For approx the last year, I have noticed a difference in the quality of his erection, possibly even verging on erectile dysfunction periodically. I would say that 90% of the time, he is not as firm as he used to be. I also notice that about 75% of the time he becomes completely flaccid immediately after ejaculation, which was not common until the last year. About 25% of the time he has difficulty maintaining an erection between positions/ activities (OS on him to PIV, Doggy to WOT, etc). He is very healthy with the only medical issue being periodic orthostatic hypotension (low BP upon standing). In the last year, I would say our average LM is approx 3x weekly. I have not said anything to him whatsoever about erection quality, etc. I do whatever I can to assist him during our LM when he loses the erection, etc.

Questions:
1. Should I say anything? I know he has attempted to take supplements, I am assuming for these reasons stated above. But he has never specifically said why and I haven't asked because I feel like if he is not talking about it there is a reason. We talk openly about sex typically, but this issue has not been broached. I do not want to embarrass him but I miss how he used to be and I would like to discuss options, etc to try and resolve the issue.
2. If I do say something how do I bring it up and what should I say or NOT say? I really feel like this is a very sensitive issue and I feel as though I should tread as lightly as possible.

Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom !

-HM Kate
Last edited by happilymarriedkate on Sat Dec 06, 2014 9:58 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby txtwindad » Tue Jan 14, 2014 11:06 am

Trust me, he is already very aware of this and it probably is bugging the ##$$@ out of him. This is a big deal for him if he's a human male. Talk to him about it. Be supportive and let him know you are OK with it, but you want to help. He should have a good check up just to make sure there isn't a hidden health issue that is causing this. Assuming it isn't L-Citrulline is a product recommended by several men on here. Most of the supplements are snake oil type products and potentially dangerous. So, be careful about what he takes.
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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby CandC320 » Tue Jan 14, 2014 11:36 am

It could be physical or psychological. Talking openly about it is good. Let him know that you are supportive and willing to help. I have had occasions when that has happened to me. ED meds have helped a lot.

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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby JackQT » Tue Jan 14, 2014 12:53 pm

Adding a bit to txtwindad. . .

I'd strong suggest you not mention it in the context of sex, or of sexual fulfillment. I'm trying to think of something a female could relate to. . .but I'm drawing a blank. Why do you think the ED industry is a billion dollar industry? Because it deals with the core of masculinity, whether you agree with that or not.

So, if you feel like you need to say something:
a) you're not telling him anything he isn't fully aware of, and *probably* deeply embarrassed by. Think "tripping on your wedding dress while walking down the isle at your wedding, which happens to be in Buckingham Palace and broadcast world wide" type embarrassed.
b) couch the discussion in a "I don't care about the sex aspect of this, but it really might be an indication of something more serious and I'd rather you not drop dead because of it."

I guess it's kinda like this: if you were infertile and knew you were infertile, would you want your husband to bring it up?

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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby txtwindad » Tue Jan 14, 2014 1:05 pm

I think anything that a couple knows, but is hesitant to talk about it a relationship killer. Sure this is a touchy subject, but if you don't talk about the elephant in the room, it just becomes silly. He knows, he knows your know. There is nothing to be gained by letting it lie. Also, this is something that will happen more and more as he ages. It is a natural part of aging and ignoring it now will make it "harder" to talk about later. Just bite the bullet and start a conversation.

This is also the reason it is so important that couples have a widely varied sex life and don't rely purely on PIV. This happens to every man eventually. Well, unless he dies young. If you have a multiple ways to be sexual with each other, then it is not so devastating when PIV becomes less available due to health issues.
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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby kupplekansas » Tue Jan 14, 2014 1:43 pm

What you wrote is not UNcommon for a man his age - its part of the aging process. Viagra would probably fix it. I remember being about his age when my wife just happen to mention that I was not as firm or large during erection as I had been..... I was shocked at first as I didn't know that or I did but denied it to myself (male ego etc.)
Since this is a very touchy area for a man, perhaps you might suggest the viagra like you would suggest a toy for both of you to enjoy, or a new position, or just something to add some spice.
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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby 35years » Tue Jan 14, 2014 1:59 pm

For a book that describes what is normal and what you can expect as your man and his equipment age is:
"All Night Long : How to Make Love to a Man Over 50" by Keesling, Barbara

She explains another way to make love other than coldly tell you man to take a pill and call you when he is ready.
Most men and women don't realize that it is not normal for a 50 year old or 42 year old man to respond like a 21 year old man and his equipment.

Happy learning and enjoy the journey together.
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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:26 pm

Thank you very much for your thoughtful replies! I am going to contemplate the advice given, read the book that was suggested and then prayerfully consider bringing this up to DH.

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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby stayinfaithful » Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:01 pm

Starting into my 50's a few years ago is when I began noticing changes, so what you describe is a normal part of aging for the male. It certainly doesn't mean things stop, they just change in ways that can be helped, and as you work around them, even enjoyed. I noticed I needed more time and touch and on the once in a while occasions we just wanted to make a big long night of it, I'd pre-medicate with a small amount (a half or sometimes even one fourth a dose) of one of the erectile drugs.

Nothing wrong with guys getting started at about that time of life with annual urologic check ups and the peace of mind when you're checked out and okay will go a long way too. But as with anything in marriage, open and non-threatening discussion is important.

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on second thought

Postby kupplekansas » Wed Jan 15, 2014 6:20 am

About the viagra.... you said your husband had low BP, right? He best check with his doctor before taking it as it can lower BP.
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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Wed Jan 15, 2014 9:42 am

Kupplekansas- yes, upon standing. If he were to go that route eventually, he would need to see the Dr. for a script and an evaluation anyway. But the low BP has been a concern of mine with regards to those meds. Thanks for mentioning it!

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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby txtwindad » Wed Jan 15, 2014 10:36 am

The low blood pressure could also be the culprit in the softer erection.
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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby brad2014 » Wed Jan 15, 2014 12:22 pm

happilymarriedkate wrote:Should I say anything? I know he has attempted to take supplements, I am assuming for these reasons stated above. But he has never specifically said why and I haven't asked because I feel like if he is not talking about it there is a reason. We talk openly about sex typically, but this issue has not been broached. I do not want to embarrass him but I miss how he used to be and I would like to discuss options, etc to try and resolve the issue.


Well, to be frank, a strong erection does make things feel so much better for a woman (or so my wife says), and I would assume it would make it feel so much better for him also. So, although it may be uncomfortable, I do think you should tell him how much you enjoy sex with him, but how you would like to find a way to get his erection where you want it.

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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby C_Brown » Wed Jan 15, 2014 5:19 pm

txtwindad wrote:The low blood pressure could also be the culprit in the softer erection.


Or they could both be symptoms of some kind of issue with his heart.
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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Fri Jan 17, 2014 7:19 am

C Brown- he said that he has been checked thoroughly (including EKG) by his PCP and that his low blood pressure is only upon standing after sitting and occasionally after being on his stomach to standing. He has been told that he has the rate of "a runner" even though he is not a runner. His heart rate at resting and during activity is normal. His blood pressure is within normal range as well. He has never had chest pain, shortness of breath, etc to indicate a cardiac issue and his cholesterol levels are good/ within normal range. He goes yearly for a physical. Also, the orthostatic hypertension has been going on for approximately 5 years which is prior to the onset of the EQ/ ED issues.
Here is an interesting piece of info, however :
After 2 weeks without sex or MB due to a very nasty upper respiratory infection that our entire family shared, we ML x2 last evening ( with approx 2 hours between sessions). EQ was good and he was not immediately flaccid upon ejaculation either time. He also woke up with an erection this morning. So now, my question is- is it possible that our frequency of 3x weekly is contributing to the EQ given that after such a "break" things were markedly different? We have not gone 2 weeks (or more) without ML/MB since birth of youngest child 11.5 years ago. So, this was the first time to see the difference.

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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby stayinfaithful » Fri Jan 17, 2014 8:58 am

Spontaneous and really firm (hard) morning erections are a good indicator that a male's erectile health is good. As to the brief "respite" from sex while everyone got over their respiratory infections is concerned, I notice better erections and feel more "desire" when I've gone a little longer intermission than usual since the last sex. Probably most guys are like this too.

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Re: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby caleb15 » Fri Jan 17, 2014 10:33 am

Based off the new info HMK if sounds like frequency is contributing.
When you say 3x per week is it all in a row (ex: Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday) or spaced out?
I would imagine that your DH may just need a little more time to "recover" when the frequency has been steady like that.
Time to find other ways to love!! :)

Or... Possibly a penis pump? Perhaps someone with some experience with that can comment?


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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Sat Dec 06, 2014 9:59 am

Thought I would update this thread. The way I ended up dealing with this issue was that I purposed to talk about how much I loved his firm erection and subsequent girth during encounters where the erection quality was noteworthy. I decided to not have a "sit down" with him as I decided it would be too detrimental. During the times when his eq was not the best I did not make any comments re: eq and girth. Of course I did the typical expressions of enjoyment otherwise.

So- a few months ago he said "I think when I go for my physical in December I am going to ask him to test my testosterone levels." I admit that I played dumb at first and asked why and he said he has noticed a different level of erection quality. I told him that I thought having his levels checked would be a great idea. In the mean time, he began exercising 3 times a week and WOW!! That made a difference!!

Anyway, he had his physical a few days ago, asked to have his testosterone levels checked and talked about supplements or replacement therapy should his levels come back low. The Dr. Told him if the levels were low then they would discuss options, but if the levels were borderline then taking testosterone would make his body stop producing it altogether and he would have to be on testosterone the rest of his life. Could someone please explain this?
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby txtwindad » Sat Dec 06, 2014 10:25 am

Kate, that is partially true. When you take T supplements your body no longer gets the signal to produce T naturally. So, the testicals shrink and you rely on the supplemental T. There is no reason this is lifelong. If you stop taking T your body will start getting the signal again.

There is an easy way to avoid this whole scenario by using HCG. I take a combination of T injections and HCG. The HCG sends the signal to my body to produce T. As a result, my body produces as much T as it can naturally and I supplement with a weekly T injection. I want my body to produce as much T as it can, but I don't want to suffer with low T symptoms. This is working great for me with no testicular shrinkage. In fact, due to an insurance change I have been off T injections for three weeks now. Just relying on what my body produces with HCG injections. I can tell that my T level is a bit low, but I'm still functioning OK even though I have been on T injections for 3 years.
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Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Sun Dec 07, 2014 7:04 pm

Thanks for the info TTD- I believe you because I know you are well educated in this regard but why in the world would the Dr. tell him he would have to be on testosterone for the rest of his life because his body would stop making it if that is not true? UGH that makes me angry! I guess we will wait for the results and go from there. I did talk to DH about the HCG, but he is having a difficult time thinking the Dr is not fully educated about the proper treatment and options.
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