UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
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Nvr2Late
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Sep 30, 2015 2:09 pm

My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel. Admittedly, my DH was willing to go seek T-replacement therapy at my suggestion, and I knew exactly who to take him to to "gitter-done". But oh my goodness...those months before we could afford to make the appt. and watching him flounder around with brain fog, forgetfulness, severe fatigue and depression were awful - and let's don't even go there about sex. Between floppy here-one-minute gone the next erections and PE when he did finally keep it up, it was pretty frustrating for a while.

I hate to admit it (again) but when my husband is not erect, I have very little visually or tactiley (is that a word?) to excite me. Maybe you're a bit the same way, and I know we're not freaks in this way. I totally sympathize with your description, and I don't think you're being classless, as much as honest. Hey, if you can't be honest here, where can you be, right?

I hope you'll be able to prevail on your DH, and his doctor just how serious this is for both of you. And I agree with both Spongebob and Ledgemoor. Good advice from both. As for his doctor prescribing such a controversial diet drug for 20 lbs? Yikes.
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Wed Sep 30, 2015 7:31 pm

Sponge bob- I will look into the book. I did peruse his website.
Gusord- I am sorry but OS on a flaccid penis is not appealing to me. I have been happily performing OS on my DH for all 23 years of our marriage and I find it very unappealing to attempt that on a penis that will not become erect. If I know that it can become semi-erect I will attempt it.
Ledgemoor- you are right. I need to bring up the female HRT Dr. again and insist on it.
Never2late- thank you for the support and the affirmation. It helps to know that someone else has similar feelings.

I don't really know what else to say at this point other than I am not sure I can wait until the beginning of Dec. I do think I want a sit down with my DH in order to come up with a game plan- for what to do next. Based on his response will depend on whether I through down the gauntlet/ultimatum.
~HM Kate

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby Learning1 » Sat Oct 03, 2015 8:51 am

Hi HMK,

I read the highlights of this thread to my DH. We both suggest that you insist that he see the HRT physician. We know he has reservations because the physician is female. The only other option might be going out of network and paying more for an HRT Doc not in your ins. plan, which sounds silly to me.

Also I can understand the encouragement to loose weight. I am concerned about the diet pills and side effects.

Yah, having a limp penis stuffed into you for all these months, YUCK ! :evil:
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Tue Oct 20, 2015 1:26 pm

Well... It has been a tense few weeks at our house. Last week, we went out to dinner- just the two of us. We started talking about our dear friend who has breast cancer. We talked about her impending mastectomy. I made mention of how devastating it would be for me as a woman (to have a mastectomy). He took that opportunity to say that I should then have more compassion about his fear of testicular shrinkage. I was shocked that he brought up the topic and I responded by saying "I do not even think it compares." This lead to a deep and lengthy conversation which was eventually moved to our vehicle outside of the restaurant.

I really believe that the Holy Spirit quieted my tongue and temper that night. I remained calm, yet resolute the entire time. During the conversation he made mention of his weight loss- I took the opportunity to say that while I respect his desire to lose weight, he has not changed anything about his eating patterns, nor has he increased his exercise, therefore once the appetite suppressant is discontinued the weight will likely come back. He then attempted to make his weight an issue stating that I had a problem with it. This was very surprising to me because I have never once said or implied anything about his weight. To me, 20 lbs is minimal... His body is beautiful and I tell him every chance I get. So, I said this: "I do not care what you weigh. I just want a hard penis." This statement apparently stopped him dead in his tracks. I have never been so bold with him about this issue because as I have said- I know that this is about his manhood, his masculinity. However, I could not stay silent or continue to sugar coat words any longer.

To make a long story short...he has an appt with the female HRT Dr. in 1 week.
~HM Kate

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Oct 21, 2015 7:00 pm

Good news Kate. Do let us know how it goes.

You might want to warn him that his testicles won't shrink. It will just look like it because his penis will be so huge :D.
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby seeking perspective » Wed Oct 21, 2015 7:03 pm

Good for you! Sometimes blunt is the only thing that gets through, although I think in this matter, taking the time to build up to it was the right thing to do.
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby ophelia » Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:45 pm

::clap
Happy news. I think he will see that his anxiety was for nothing.
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby Learning1 » Thu Oct 22, 2015 5:28 am

Glad to hear your DH is finally going to see the HRT specialist ! ::al
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby Nvr2Late » Thu Oct 22, 2015 8:10 am

Very good news! I hope all goes well, and continues to for you both.
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Thu Oct 22, 2015 9:51 am

Thank you, everyone, for your encouraging words and support!!
~HM Kate

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Jan 03, 2018 11:23 pm

I remember this thread because this is what made me see symptoms in my husband and made me suggest he get his T checked, and he was low....two years later, and no positive changes, I come back to this thread because I remembered these words and it's my sentiments exactly:
happilymarriedkate wrote: "..... I just want a hard penis." <snip> I know that this is about his manhood, his masculinity.

I should probably read through this whole thing five times...... I am so sexually frustrated, and how do you express that without cutting him at the core of his masculinity!?! ::arg
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby tjw » Thu Jan 04, 2018 5:45 am

I apologize if I have not read other posts from you which say if his T increased without improving his erection ?

I do so wish I had an answer for you regarding how to discuss it with him. I would like to think that I'm open to my wife about sexuality and could allow her to express her feelings. I know, in my intellect, that this is God's ideal and what He would have me to be. But, I cannot claim any mastery in this area of life. Even though I've been on the Way for 34 years, if I'm honest with myself, even the thought of her expressing that she wasn't pleased with me brings about strong emotions which confirm my shame and feelings of worthlessness.

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby happilymarriedkate » Thu Jan 04, 2018 10:32 am

SC- I am sorry you are going through this. Have you been so blunt as to say it to him? I honestly had tried every single thing I knew to do with no results, before I said it. Actually, hearing it that way is what helped him move forward. Praying for clarity for you as you navigate this sensitive situation.

TJW- I am not sure if you are replying to SC or to me. If you are replying to me- my DH was prescribed Androgel and it has worked wonders! He has very minimal, what would probably be considered typical, issues for his age. But erection quantity and quality is great! No complaints here, in that department. In fact, I tell him every chance I get, how much I appreciate the quality and quantity in very specific terms! :wink:
~HM Kate

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Jan 04, 2018 12:52 pm

SeekingChange wrote:I am so sexually frustrated, and how do you express that without cutting him at the core of his masculinity!?! ::arg
Speaking as a man who had low testosterone. You probably can't.

Having to get your manhood out of a bottle sucks. But he has to do it.

So put your foot down. Better to damage his ego than his health and marriage. Tell him how you feel. DW had body image issues (what woman doesn't?) and my soft penis and lessened interest in her was difficult for her, even though I told her "it's me and not you", which was true. Tell him that the "in sickness and health" vow doesn't apply if he chooses to remain sick. He HAS to do this.

Save yourself the frustration of waiting for him to do what he ought to do, and just do it yourself. DW finally ended up making my appointment and going to the doctor with me.

She made my appt about 6 months after I started having problems. With me, it wasn't gradual. I went from an every-day guy to hardly being able to get it up. After 6 months with no improvement, I was resigned to the fact that I wasn't going to get better on my own, and didn't fight her on it. Enough time has elapsed for your husband that he is probably aware it isn't going to fix itself.

So put your foot down. When it is all said and done, he will thank you. You, he, and everyone in his life will be happier.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby ophelia » Thu Jan 04, 2018 2:50 pm

Maybe it won't cut him to the core. You know your husband better than anyone SC. I don't see why telling him that you are sexually frustrated would be horrible. HMK had to be blunt. I'm thinking that most of us wives here had to go that route. FWIW, dh says it would not hurt his feelings.
Come on darling
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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Jan 04, 2018 7:21 pm

Without saying anything more than a comment last night about his quality (size), (which was prior to my post), my husband informed me today over lunch that he is going to contact Defy Medical, ask for blood work and ask LOTS of questions and wants to hear a plan from them. This is the most determined I have heard him about getting help...I know cost his greatest concern (well, and side effrects) and will be what would keep him from doing it. Because he is doing this on his own, I will keep my mouth shut for now and watch to see what his next steps are going to be.

It's a blessing to have a community to talk with about this and to find support.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Jan 04, 2018 7:38 pm

Fantastic! There won't be any side effects unless the doctor doesn't know what he is doing and prescribes too much testosterone. I don't use Defy but have heard nothing but good about them. They won't prescribe too much.

A problem he is more likely to encounter is giving up because it takes so long to see improvement. The most important advice I can give is to be patient. Both of you. As for the cost, assure him that TRT is way cheaper than a divorce .
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby reillyj » Thu Jan 04, 2018 8:36 pm

SeekingChange wrote:my husband informed me today over lunch that he is going to contact Defy Medical

That is so wonderful. I don't know if this will apply to or help your husband but i told mine that it would greatly improve the quality of life, that if he was low T AND low thyroid, that he's going to feel awful and not the best he can be and doesn't he want to start NOW to feel better? After all, if you keep doing the same things over and over, you cannot expect a different result...that quote alone helped me to lose 100 lbs on my own.

I think that resonated most with my H is the promise of feeling better and having more energy. He also goes to the doctor w/o resistance if i make an appointment and just tell him he has one. But he's learned to trust me and know's that he cannot do it w/o me but that's our relationship. I'm wishing the best outcome for you!

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby Hoosier52 » Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:44 am

SeekingChange wrote:Without saying anything more than a comment last night about his quality (size), (which was prior to my post), my husband informed me today over lunch that he is going to contact Defy Medical,

If he brought up going to Defy, I would suggest that you DO open your mouth. Encourage him to follow through. He won't be disappointed in Defy.

As for talking to your husband about ED. No one knows he has ED better than him. He's probably embarrassed to start the conversation but probably also wants some help. Your reassurances and offer to help, I think, would be a great show of love and understanding. ED is a process of life like menopause. It doesn't mean he's less of a man.

If he needs ED meds, he shouldn't ashamed to ask his doc. I was when I asked but the doc didn't bat an eye and said good sex is very important for a happy marriage. I have a female PCP now and I'm not embarrassed to ask her. They hear it every day and probably part of their marriage bed, too.

ED is symptomatic of other issues like low T and heart disease. It's not just about sex. TRT will benefit him in so many ways. I remember the brain fog and lack of motivation I had prior to going to Defy. I feel so much better know and my attitude towards life is much more positive. I've probably gotten more help there than with intimacy part. My wife saw the benefits for me and now she is also a patient with Defy.

I say talk to him about it in a loving way. If he had symptoms of cancer, you wouldn't hesitate to urge him to see a doctor. I'd also recommend that you go to Defy Medical. Save yourself a lot of run around. Go to the best. Good luck!

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Re: UPDATE: Should I talk to DH about quality of erection?

Postby ophelia » Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:15 pm

So it sounds like Defy is the latest and greatest. Do they accept insurance?
Come on darling
There's a war on our TV
But it's alright
In our bedrooms we are free
Deep in the guts of me
I Love You Violently
Until the dawn's early light.
This is why we fight~Fast Romantics


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