Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
NatureMama
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Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Postby NatureMama » Thu Jun 23, 2016 12:11 pm

DH and I have been married nearly six years now. I was a virgin when we married so it was all new to me and i was just accepting and enjoying everything "as is" (with the exception of frequency, I'll get there in a moment.) From the beginning DH has had a range of penis hardness. Sometimes it's very hard (like bone - that's rare) and other times it's almost too soft to do just any position, but mostly we get the job done ;). Most the time it's somewhere in between.

Anyways, I haven't given it much thought until recently. He's almost completely lost his erection the last two times we've ML (piv.) This is not the norm and that's kind of made me start to think maybe there are some erectile issues going on? Again, idk what is "normal." He's the only man I've ever been with.

Frequency- (no clue if these details are related) for the first few years we were married I had to do almost 100% of the initiating. He refused me most of the time. We had sex once or twice a week though, so it's not like he had no drive, just low drive. The last few years, since having a baby and continuing to breast feed, I've kinda given up on initiating so often. My drive is reduced so that helps me a lot. We have sex maybe 1-2x a month, both initiating about 50% of the time. Occasionally we'll go ~2 months without any sexual contact. Sometimes it's just general child rearing/both working full-time busyness and sometimes it's lack of interest on his part. He's been initiating more recently and in fact initiated the last two times.

He is healthy- 32 years old now, so mid 20s when we got married. We both have a history of childhood sexual abuse. So there's that. He is generally anxious, so maybe it's all just that junk? Still I can't help but wonder if these issues could be those things or maybe a hormone issue? Or an underlying health problem we should investigate? Or maybe this is all normal and nothing for me to worry about?

Im thinking i should talk with him about it and see if he has any ideas, but he gets very uncomfortable talking about sex. I'm sure it will bother him for me to bring this up. I'm not really worried about it in terms of how it affects my enjoyment of sex but I do worry about his health. Anyways, idk what, if anything I should do.

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Re: Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Postby SeekingChange » Thu Jun 23, 2016 12:25 pm

It could point to a porn/masturbation problem or a health issue, like low testosterone.
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Re: Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Postby Dale » Thu Jun 23, 2016 12:38 pm

Is there any history of heart disease in his family? How is his blood pressure? Does he have sleep apnea?

Those are all general health issues that might help pinpoint a problem. Low testosterone might be an issue, but I'd also look at those other things.

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Re: Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Postby NatureMama » Thu Jun 23, 2016 12:55 pm

SeekingChange wrote:It could point to a porn/masturbation problem or a health issue, like low testosterone.


I asked him recently if he'd viewed porn at all since we've been married. He said no, and I believe him. I don't really think it's a masturbation issue either.


Dale wrote:Is there any history of heart disease in his family? How is his blood pressure? Does he have sleep apnea?

Those are all general health issues that might help pinpoint a problem. Low testosterone might be an issue, but I'd also look at those other things.

Dale


No heat diseases in family. B/P is ok as far as we know, I worry that because he is such an anxious person that it's probably frequently higher than the numbers we see when he's at the doctors office. Idk about sleep apnea, but he is not really a snorer.


So for low testosterone, is it just a blood test? He recently had a full physical with blood work, would they have tested then? Is it a standard test for men?

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Re: Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Postby Dale » Thu Jun 23, 2016 3:15 pm

No, it's not a standard test, but I've always believed it should be!

He is a little young for low T, but it is definitely worth checking. Make sure they check free T as well.

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Re: Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Postby Vanna » Thu Jun 23, 2016 8:18 pm

Some of it may be due to the anxiety of having occasional erection problems- it can be a pretty circular problem. We found that stress of having erectile issues can make them more prevalent.

You could try the book The Hardness Factor- it was helpful to hubby, we rarely have ED issues now.
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Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Postby hifromme67 » Fri Jun 24, 2016 1:33 pm

Based on my experience, it was due to porn. He had the ED issues for years, lack of interest, etc. I had no reason at first to suspect porn. When I asked I was told no and I believed him. I got suspicious and found by accident porn on his phone. Since then the ED has gone away and desire is coming back. He had everything checked throughout the years as well and could find nothing medically wrong. I guess doctors and counselors aren't smart enough to ask if porn is being viewed. I believe at some point or another all men watch porn so that may be something you will have to investigate. Going that long without sex is not normal if there are no medical reasons for it.

Here is the way I knew husband was masturbating. During porn use his ejaculate was very minimal and also clear. Since he has stopped, it is alot and now yellow. Nobody believed me when I used to mention it. They thought I was too suspicious. Turns out I was right.

I would have him go and have a physical and maybe go with him.


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Re: Is this erectile dysfunction? How to talk with DH about it?

Postby Unfulfilled » Fri Jun 24, 2016 3:01 pm

A lot of ejaculation seems to expend all the speem and fluid. It takes a while to replenish. If you notice the "pre [ejaculate]" that is all from the semivesicle(spelling ?) it almost perfectly clear.

So your observation to me makes perfect sense. Even when younger if I had say three ejaculations in fairly short time frame, the last one would be almost clear.

So clear ejaculate would be consistent with someone having frequent ejaculations. And if you are not having sex together frequently, then It would suggest masturbation and he may not be fully honest with you.

Most men do not want to admit that they masturbate. So it is not all that surprising that he would tend to not want to admit it. He also probably does not want to make you feel bad or inadequate or hurt your feelings. All the more reason to not admit it. But also is a reason to stop cheating you out of sexual relationship for selfish masturbation.

Frequent masturbation also "trains" him to expect a very specific type of stimulation, speed, pressure rhythm Etc. and if you do not provide that exact replication which is just about impossible he won't get or stay very hard or have a lot of success with achieving O.

He has to re-train himself for different stimulation than what the masturbation provides.

But it could also be that it is not masturbation and/or porn and it is low T or other medical issue.

But something doesn't seem right!


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