Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
goldandglitter390
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Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:45 am

Hello Everyone,

My husband I have been married for two weeks now ( very good friends for 7 years, and dated for 4). We were married at the end of June in front of so many amazing and supportive people... it was the event of a lifetime, and we will remember it always. We have a very good relationship, we are best friends, we don't fight, and we talk and work through things right away... it has been amazing to see how we have grown over time. We have gone through some pretty hard life times together, been through premarital counseling, and God has totally been shaping and working both of us into being Sacrificial and giving in everything.

We both married as virgins, and have never done anything beyond making out. I know a ton about sex ( as I've been reading up on here) talked to a lot of people, and am very educated on the human body- I understand that flipping the switch can take some time too. My husband on the other hand.. didn't know anything... I think he just thought it would work...Well, we haven't been able to have PIV since being married. We mess around, he gets an erection... like very quickly with just a little foreplay, and will stay that way for.. 30-40 minutes... he wants to make sure I'm ready to go.. although I'm pretty ready from the beginning, I must admit, I love the romantic foreplay haha. When we do get to the point of putting on a condom.. within seconds its softer.. and then when he moves in for it ( missionary) its done... We've tried in the morning too, when he is pretty erect.. and same thing... I am on BC, and was using spermicide ( till it gave me a bad reaction) as we want some time before children, and quite frankly just relying on bc makes me scared.

I know its mostly mental for him, ( in the first couple days, he couldn't get very hard at all, simply cause he was nervous) then after a few times I was able to get him there very quickly.. now all I have to do is lay my head on his chest.. and boom... so that's good, but he says once we go to put on a condom.. it just kills it for him, and then he gets so sad and frustrated with himself!

I feel so bad for him , and love him so much, i just don't want him to look at this as a failure.

Any tips or suggestions, has this happened to anyone here before, and do you have any advice on how we can get over it?

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby southerngent » Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:57 am

g & g,

You don't mention, but what is his age? If he is 25 it is vastly different from if he is 55.

I have found that during times when my erection quality is iffy, trying to put on a condom tends to work against it. I think the pressure of the condom pushing back against the erection pressure is a significant change.

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby George B. » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:07 am

I'm so sorry for the difficulties you're having!

Couple of quick questions:

What's the age of your DH? Do you know his porn usage history? What are his masturbation habits? Both of these can be enormous contributors to this kind of issue.

You may need to take the pressure off for a while and just enjoy one another without strings attached (such as PIV). Enjoy other types of sexual play. It may be that much of his problem is mental, that he feels too much pressure to perform and thereby loses his erection. And the more failures he has, the worse things may get, since he'll also fear disappointing you yet again. You need to get out of that vicious cycle, if that's what's happening.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby SeekingChange » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:11 am

Here's my thought...If you are on BC, that has a pretty high success rate, so there's really not much to worry about. But if it calms your own anxiety, in the time of the month you aren't fertile (track your cycle), go without the condom. Once he get's past the mental barrier he seems to have with a condom, you should be able to go back to it, if you desire. You may realize that you much prefer the experience without it.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby Job29Man » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:53 am

goldandglitter390 wrote:I am on BC
I assume that means HBC?
I agree with Seeking... you don't need the condom. Some guys hate it. It's a huge mental barrier, like putting on a sandwich bag... ugh! Instant limpness.
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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby MayDayGirl » Mon Jul 11, 2016 11:04 am

Have you tried anything else with success (meaning he has ejaculated) like oral or manual? I'm just wondering if it's the condom or if it's more of a mental thing?

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby Romantic Husband » Mon Jul 11, 2016 3:51 pm

You've received some good advice. I would also add that I think you should continue to praise him and support him with love and prayer as the two of you work through this. This can be a very tough issue for a guy to deal with.
Matthew 19:26 - With God all things are possible.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 4:38 pm

Thank you everyone for all your kind responses... it means so much that you would take time out of your day to offer wisdom!

I'm just going to go ahead and answer these in order that they were received.

SouthernGent:

We are 26, and the problem isn't that he can't get an erection.. it happens quickly and a lot.. and lasts for a long time... but the minute we go to put a condom on.. it's gone. I think the condom is really killing the erection.. and then when that happens over and over, he starts to worry it won't work and he just wants to make me happy ( which I am regardless) but for a man... its a viscous cycle.

George B:

Age is above. In terms of porn usage.. we have discussed all these things, we are both very open and communicate with each other. As with most guys, in the past he has dealt with it, but then of course tried hard to not, as we don't believe it is biblical, and when I asked him recently he said it has been a long time for either of those ( before our wedding probably) because he knows he shouldn't. We have already had discussions to about how that can affect his view of it, and he agreed that it probably has had some effect, but we have both seen progress in ways that God is already working with our bodies, especially in terms of how in this short time we are already learning to respond to each other.

In terms of expectations, we both have had very open discussions about it, and we both agree not to expect anything ( aside from being open and willing to try) there have been some times when we just mess around and enjoy being in each others company... and we have both had fun with it... so in terms of expectations there art any set on anyone unless we set them on ourselves.. if that makes sense.

Seeking Change and Job29:

I know I know.. yes hormone birth control... I even used spermacide until it started really irritating me... I know I need to get over it and not worry about it.... I struggle with anxiety.. so this is an area I'm trying to work on.. I don't always worry about it.. but when I think to hard I do get worried. And I do agree with both of you.. I think the condom is definitely not helping.

MayDay:

I have tried manual, and came close..it got a little messy and we both kind of got surprised ( again we are new to this) and just started laughing.. all in all we laugh a lot and are having a good time.. so it's not like we are super depressed each time we try... just when it doesn't happen he gets down on himself and it feeds the mental cycle. In terms of oral, I'm all for trying it, but I haven't tried ( simply cause I don't want that to further his thinking of "not being able to succeed" by taking charge) if that makes sense..but when I mentioned it to him this morning ( again we communicate very openly) he mentioned it wouldn't make him feel that way... so... planning on trying something new tonight :))) haha.

Romantic Husband:

Thank you so much, I am going to continue to, especially cause that's how I genuinely feel, he is an amazing man, and we have been through so much together.. we will work through this, and when it happens its going to be a great time of celebration ( as everything we have made it through has been) It's just hard to see him sad in the moment :( I never want him to feel sad...

Again thank you all so much, everyone just responding so quickly has been so cool to see!

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 4:43 pm

One More Thing

George b:

Yeah but how do you just " get out of that mental cycle" ? By trying other things? Like I said.. I'm all for trying other things... but he is just so stuck on wanting to figure out PIV first

I told him this morning, maybe by me trying other things ( which I have no problem doing.. cause I want to give to him in that way) would break him out of the cycle, and break down the walls of vulnerability...which he agreed with..so hopefully that helps!

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby Cayenne » Mon Jul 11, 2016 5:02 pm

The BC is plenty reliable. It has a much higher success rate than condoms. Besides, I just hate condoms... It just dulls the sensation. Could you try something else, like a diaphragm, sponge, etc until you get past your anxiety?
"There, but for the grace of God, go I."

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby Vanna » Mon Jul 11, 2016 5:53 pm

Condoms do the same for my hubby. Even the times we could get it in, it left him with no sensation. Plus we tore a couple, and lost a couple inside. So, I switched to calendar charting for us.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby Mr Adam » Mon Jul 11, 2016 5:56 pm

First two weeks of marriage? Not that uncommon. You'll get past it. Are you both able to reach orgasm through other means with each other?

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:23 pm

Cayenne and Vanna: Lol, well being that I haven't had much up there except for tampons.. I don't trust me with a diaphragm.. I know a lot about my body.. but its that whole thing of the Dr being like... oh there are your ovaries.. I'm like.. where...? everything just feels like tissue lol.. so I don't trust myself with that..I guess I can just try spermicide, and hope that it doesn't give me the reaction I had before.. I was using it a lot.. so once in a while might not be a big deal.. I probably should try charting... but I always second guess myself... ( hmm is this cm stretchy or not.. I can't tell.. its all just fluid lol... I think to hard haha).

Mr Adam:
Thanks, that is how I feel... a lot of this is learning together right? It's just another aspect we have not had the freedom to try before, and now we are blessed with that Freedom, so thank you for your positivity. I am ...yes :D .With him, like I said, we were almost there, but then I kind of backed off cause I didn't want to "take over" especially cause he was so set on the fact it has to be PIV, but after talking to him about it, he said he wouldn't feel that way... so definitely going to try that again :P

Thank you everyone .. telling him that many responses from men was that condoms are not that optimal will make him feel better I'm sure 8)

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby Vanna » Mon Jul 11, 2016 7:16 pm

If you have a reasonably steady/predictable cycle, it's really not that hard. There is a magnifier/viewer that you can get to check for ferning patterns- it's pretty easy.

At any rate, your hormonal bc should be fool proof as long as you don't skip days taking it or take antibiotics on it. If you combined that with watching the calendar (counting days) for your fertile week- you really should be super set.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:53 pm

Vanna, Interesting, I have never heard of a magnifier- I don't know all the details about natural family planning, just the basics :) In terms of tracking fertile window- do I really need to do that on the pill? Especially if it's triphasic? What would I really do, just not have intercourse or use extra protection during that time? I know my pill is supposed to prevent ovulation.. But I know sometimes you can still ovulate.. Also, I am aware and can tell when discharge changes, but I've also heard discharge isn't always indicative of ovulation- and doesn't always go hand- in- hand..

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby padsnd » Tue Jul 12, 2016 2:37 am

This may be nothing, but ... Each time I read this thread the first questions that arise are about the 7 and more importantly 4 years. Was there some external force/circumstance that made it that long? A 4 year dating period--especially for individuals who knew each other well for 7 years prior--seems very long. It seems even longer if you add in the idea that scripture tells us that it is better to not marry unless you "burn". The kind of burning passion that Paul describes is not something that makes for a great situation in a multi-year dating/engagement.

Was there a reason for that long of time from "hey we know each other very well and are in some way attracted to each other" and "I do"? What were some of the speed-bumps along the way? Was there much of a struggle during that time? You said you both were virgins. With a 4 year period after knowing the person well, I imagine that any one of a dozen things could be factoring into this. If you struggled, that could have created patterns that need to be corrected. If you didn't struggle that would possibly be concerning too--because struggling to stay pure during a 4 year dating period would almost be expected (struggling well that is). If outside forces were keeping you from getting married sooner, they could be affecting things too.

On a completely different front, what kind of condoms are you using? Do they say something about him lasting long or anything about his vs, her experience? If so, they may be ones with a "numbing" agent on the "guys" side. Those can kill sensation very quickly and cause this sort of thing.


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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby Vanna » Tue Jul 12, 2016 3:22 am

The most reliable over all indicator of ovulation would be regular temperature charting. The odds of you ovulating though are really slim on the pill, so your temp shouldn't experience significant fluctuations. Also, Birth control messes with too many things to reliably use mucus indicators.

How long have you been on the pill? Has it been an easy adjustment onto birth control? Do you take it reliably? The pill is pretty sound- around 95% effective. Taking it everday like clockwork helps.

Have you considered using contraceptive sponges, they have about the same effectiveness of condoms- around 80%. They are easier to insert than a diaphragm, and don't require fitting. The other option would be to have him pull out to finish as he gets more familiar with controlling ejaculation.
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby jon » Tue Jul 12, 2016 4:21 am

goldandglitter390 wrote:I know its mostly mental for him, ( in the first couple days, he couldn't get very hard at all, simply cause he was nervous) then after a few times I was able to get him there very quickly.. now all I have to do is lay my head on his chest.. and boom... so that's good, but he says once we go to put on a condom.. it just kills it for him, and then he gets so sad and frustrated with himself!

This used to happen to me exactly the same as your hub - no problem getting hard but then I'd lose it as soon as we tried to put condom on. For me the issue was putting the condom on meant there was a pressure to perform. When we tried without the condom I'd go soft while I was entering her so totally a mental thing and nothing to do with the condom itself.
Do you think this might be the case with your hub - he feels nervous about performing?

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby George B. » Tue Jul 12, 2016 11:21 am

goldandglitter390 wrote:I told him this morning, maybe by me trying other things ( which I have no problem doing.. cause I want to give to him in that way) would break him out of the cycle, and break down the walls of vulnerability...which he agreed with..so hopefully that helps!

I think the best way to get out of that cycle is to make sex as relaxed and fun as possible. When we were first married, almost 20 years ago, my DW and I had some physical problems with achieving PIV sex. I started to lose my erection and desire, especially when it became a chore or I knew I was hurting her. If that would happen, we would just "take a chill pill" and switch activities and just focus on pleasure and enjoying one another's bodies, rather than focusing on one specific act. I think the same kind of thing might help your DH.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Just Married, Unable to get it to work...

Postby Stagdoe » Fri Jul 15, 2016 7:49 am

Sounds like a lot of pressure. Newlywed. Cumbersome Birth Controls. Talking about his sexual preferences could be helpful. He's a guy and he's had sexual thoughts/fantasies for a long time. For hand job advice, there is a non-porn instructional site. PM me for the link as I'm not sure about posting a link like this. Messy messing around is good. Just have a towel handy. Take the pressure off and have fun with outro-course. Find out whatever he is into and exploit it.


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