Frustrated

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
Brianna
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Frustrated

Postby Brianna » Tue Oct 18, 2016 12:38 pm

DH is 62, I'm 49. 5th wedding anniversary is coming up. He has had ED for our entire marriage. We have tried everything . Counseling, sex therapist, penis pump,testosterone, viagra, cialis, fish oil. DH is excercising and has lost 35 lbs. We have a standing bedroom date once each week. We've tried morning and afternoon. He just cannot get hard. I stimulate him manually but he just can't seem to get there. The pills create some firmness but not enough for PIV.

Aside from that he is just bad in bed. He is not skilled with his hands or orally. We have purchased educational dvds. He watches but in vain because he doesn't seem to remember any thing when we have our weekly rendezvous.

I am angry and frustrated. It shows at work and with the kids. I am easily irritated. I regret this marriage every day. We fast and pray together specifically for our marriage one day each week. It has helped but I am tired. I need sexual release. I need a real marriage.
Last edited by Brianna on Tue Oct 18, 2016 12:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Dale
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Dale » Tue Oct 18, 2016 12:58 pm

Hi Brianna,

I'm sorry you are going through this. ED is devastating to a man in many ways, and as guys we can get so wrapped up in what it's doing to us that we don't see what effect it's also having on our wives!

Is there any way your husband would be willing to come onto the boards and at least read some of the threads about ED? He may gain some insight into his own problem and also how it's affecting you. There are many guys here (myself included) that struggle with various forms of ED and yet still have vibrant and fulfilling sex lives with our wives. A lot of it comes down to attitude and not letting ED rule your sexuality.

Dale

Brianna
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Brianna » Tue Oct 18, 2016 1:10 pm

Thanks for your reply.

I invited him to TMB when I first learned about it a couple of years ago and I've reminded him since then. I don't think he has been here.

In all honesty I think he has expressed understanding of what I'm going through, but he doesn't have much physical desire due to (age appropriate) low t. So he doesn't push as hard as a younger man would.

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Dale
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Dale » Tue Oct 18, 2016 1:30 pm

Brianna wrote:In all honesty I think he has expressed understanding of what I'm going through, but he doesn't have much physical desire due to (age appropriate) low t. So he doesn't push as hard as a younger man would.


"Age-appropriate" low T needs to be checked out. The numbers they will tell you are within a normal range usually are far from it! If they are saying his testosterone is "low normal" or anything like that, then it needs to be treated! It's not just sex drive that low T affects: there are other health issues that having his testosterone at an optimal level will help prevent--not to mention he will feel MUCH better when it's where it's supposed to be!

Dale

Brianna
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Ready to give up

Postby Brianna » Tue Oct 18, 2016 2:28 pm

He has seen many doctors including an endocrinologist. He's on the low end of normal. He has undergone testosterone therapy as I stated originally. It did not work. He tried many delivery methods including patches and gel. He is otherwise perfectly healthy. The consensus of 4 different doctors is that he is normal.

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Re: Ready to give up

Postby tjw » Tue Oct 18, 2016 3:40 pm

I regret this marriage every day.

Wow. My heart just breaks for him. I had a bout with psychological ED in my first marriage and this was pretty much how my W felt about me. I felt lower than a whale's belly.

The consensus of 4 different doctors is that he is normal.

The fact that a penis pump doesn't work, and that he is "normal", is a complete non sequitur. Penis pumps depend only on mechanical physics, and totally eliminate the psychosexual components from the picture. A penile implant may be the way to go for you.

Brianna
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Brianna » Tue Oct 18, 2016 4:08 pm

I'm sorry your experience was so bad. My DH says that aside from his relationship with the Lord, being married to me is the best part of his life.

As for the penis pump, I agree. I thought for sure the pump would work, but it hasn't. We have used two different pumps: first a manual version and later decided to purchase a motorized pump. The seal is strong, but the results are minimal.

I've suggested that he practice when no one else is home. This will give him confidence and also improve circulation. He says he practices but I have my doubts. The box looks like it has been in the he same spot for several weeks and the tube of lube is full. Still, I would not subject him to surgery, especially at his age.

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Re: Ready to give up

Postby tjw » Tue Oct 18, 2016 9:30 pm

I think his practice sessions may be limited due to the emotional hurt they bring on. That, and it's probably the sad fact that the blood supply to his
penis is so restricted that the only engorgement he gets from the exterior pressure reduction is due to elasticity and not because blood is backfilling.

He is probably quite painfully aware of the futility of the practice sessions.

I would not subject him to surgery, especially at his age.


I strongly applaud your commitment, but disappointing his wife in bed is probably the worst pain a husband can feel. Personally, I think that's far worse than undergoing a relatively simple surgery.

My DH says that aside from his relationship with the Lord, being married to me is the best part of his life.


Believe me, he wants being married to him to be the best part of your life. He just feels thwarted at every turn. His penis is no good, neither are his tongue and fingers. He listens to the educational material, but is preoccupied with self-doubt rather than attention to acquiring skills.

It's going to take a thick rug for the kind of praying you will need to do. However, the Holy Spirit inside me tells me that you are going to become one of our Lord's heroes, like in Hebrews 11. You have what it takes to heal your husband. God is on your side, and will help you. I cannot say your husband's penis will ever naturally work again, however, I can say that God will indeed provide you a working marriage which includes the sexual release and satisfaction you need.

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Re: Ready to give up

Postby ledgemoor » Tue Oct 18, 2016 10:03 pm

Brianna, could you look up his testosterone numbers and post them here? Also his dosage for the testosterone gel. There are guys here who can advise you. Surprisingly, an endo is generally not competent to treat sexual issues.

My level was 270, low normal age appropriate according to the charts. I could barely get hard enough to penetrate and usually had to masturbate to get relief. Testosterone injections and a level of 750 (high normal) and I was fine.

Some men cannot absorb testostetone gel applied to the skin. Injections are the way to go. A lot if men start out with gel, but most end up on shots eventually.

Can he masturbate to orgasm?

With the pump not working, proper testosterone levels may not help his ED. But there are many other benefits, including increased interest in sex and romance, and less resistance to learning to serve you in other ways.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

Brianna
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Brianna » Wed Oct 19, 2016 5:23 am

I don't have the latest numbers. The last time his T was checked was over a year ago when we were considering shots. We got so tired of failing everything we tried that we didn't follow through. The doctors didn't seem to encourage the shots. They wanted him to accept that his T was at a normal level.

Our sex therapist, who is also an MD suggested an implant but scared me by talking about potential infection.

He cannot masturbate to orgasm and he does not ejaculate. On our honeymoon he could not tell when he got there.

tjw
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby tjw » Wed Oct 19, 2016 5:59 am

He cannot masturbate to orgasm and he does not ejaculate.


Is he taking medications? There are quite a few in common use today which have these kinds of side-effects. Some of them can put the libido in the basement, too.

scared me by talking about potential infection.


Of course, with any surgery, there is a risk of infection. In this case, the incisions are on organs which are mostly outside the body and the likelihood of an unfortunate outcome from the infection is not as high as for those which are invasive to the torso.

It's also unfortunate that doctors tend to take a myopic view of the problem of presentation. The docs you saw probably felt that T therapy wouldn't cause him to regain his erectile ability. But, as already said, it has potential benefits beyond the penis. You are probably faced with finding a multidisciplined team of providers who will manage the different aspects of your husband's aging process.

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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Joey72 » Wed Oct 19, 2016 7:46 am

Brianna, I am 75 years old and like your DH at 62 I developed ED, for about 10 years the pills work but one day my eye sight was effected after taking the pill. Thank God there was no lasting effect but that day ended the pill and I started pumping. Like so many people I expected the pump to work with no problems, it didn't work that way. Pumping takes a lot of practice and patients, it took me about two weeks of practicing before I had erection that would work for PIV and even then it was almost three months until love making was back to normal. I found a site frank talk that covers ED very well. At that site they recommended this procedure for practicing pumping.
1)Apply pressure and hold for one minute then release pressure and repeat 4 more times increasing the pressure a little each time.
2)Then increase pressure and hold for 5 minutes before releasing pressure and repeat this 2 more times. The last time should be at maximum pressure about 8 to 10 psig.(Note do not go over 10 psig)
I hope this helps.
Joey

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Re: Ready to give up

Postby ledgemoor » Wed Oct 19, 2016 9:02 pm

The doctors didn't seem to encourage the shots. They wanted him to accept that his T was at a normal level.

It's obvious they don't know what they are doing. Find a specialist in the area -- a Life Extension or bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy specialist. Go to a4m.com and click on Directory, or call a local compounding pharmacy and ask for referrals. Also, there are top-notch doctors that you can consult via phone. Check out the Male Testosterone Issues forum.

Going to his doctor to get a copy of his medical records could save you money on tests and might be useful to his new doctor. Also, if you just want to see how low his testosterone really is before spending money on doctors, you can get a testosterone test yourself for not much money:
http://www.discountedlabs.com/testoster ... e-regular/

Don't give up based on your experience so far. Even if his ED can't be resolved with hormones alone, they will help his overall health and happiness. I have little doubt about that.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

Brianna
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Brianna » Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:40 am

We are talking about getting an implant. He is definitely open to it and I have gotten past the guilt of asking him to do it.


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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Alistair » Sat Oct 22, 2016 1:28 pm

Brianna

You are getting some good practical advice here may I take another tack here?

Check your heart and see if you are carrying offense against God or your husband, the offense against God could go like this: "I was a good girl did everything right Lord, and look how you rewarded my waiting?! And you call yourself good, huh some God some goodness! My friends who live an immoral lifestyle have had a more satisfying sex life than me when they went the worlds way!"

The offense against your husband could go like this: "I waited all these years for this? what a Joke! if you were a really loving husband you would do more to please me!"

If a root of bitterness and offense has taken hold in your heart you will need to deal with it as well as the practical issues, one resource that might be handy is "The Bait of Satan" by John Bevere if you can't afford the book he has some sermons on line on it you can lsiten too and there are plenty of other good resources that deal with offense and bitterness.

Just remember Jesus prophesied that shortly before his return "the love of many will grow cold" don't let your love for your husband or especially God grow Cold as you navigate this difficult season of your life.

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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Brianna » Sat Oct 22, 2016 5:03 pm

@Alistair-You're way off track.


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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Alistair » Sat Oct 22, 2016 5:35 pm

Ok no worries it was just a thought

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Re: Ready to give up

Postby ledgemoor » Sun Oct 23, 2016 6:38 am

Brianna wrote:We are talking about getting an implant.

Ok, that's great that he is now willing to do something! However, please seriously consider the hormonal route first. There is a chance it will work -- without the tests you'll never know exactly what is going on. If he still needs the implant, then great, go for it. Having optimized hormones will still help him in your marriage bed and improve his life in general.

This scenario is so typical. An older guy is having trouble in bed, the doctor tells him he is low normal. He goes to a bHRT/Life Extension doctor. It turns out that his testosterone is in the 200's. They get it up to 800, his estrogen under control, and his thyroid levels corrected. He loses weight, becomes more active, is more alert and focused, and all around easier to live with. So much of loving your spouse sexually is emotional, and testosterone allows that emotional love to happen. Many guys feel in love for the first time in years.

I realize that I am just a crazy internet guy. But this is not only my story, but the story of many other men here on The Marriage Bed. No one here will disagree in principle with what I am telling you. Ok, they are crazy internet people too. So do your own research.

There are guys who are more knowledgeable about this than I am that can recommend books and other web sites. I didn't do that much research for myself when I started having problems. After my wife's hysterectomy and researching her hormone issues and getting her back to normal thanks to an excellent and much-loved bHRT doctor, I knew what was wrong with me and what to do. And I was a fairly simple case fortunately.

I think this is a good book. https://www.amazon.com/Testosterone-Rep ... ok+crisler
If you express an interest in researching this further, there will be other guys along to recommend other resources for you.

I will tell you now that hormones will probably not resolve his ED issues. He is worse off than I was or most guys I have discussed this with. But assuming that his testosterone is under say 500, and I am almost certain that it is, getting that fixed will help him. No question. This is also a longevity issue. Low testosterone puts the heart in jeopardy. But you never know. It may give him some level of natural performance.

And most germane to this discussion at the moment, if he still need the implant, he can be at peace about getting it, knowing that that he didn't overlook any simpler options.
Last edited by ledgemoor on Sun Oct 23, 2016 7:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby OldMarriedLady » Sun Oct 23, 2016 7:20 am

I would also give the testosterone injections a try first, because your DH tried every type of testosterone except the one that is known to be the most effective - injections. My DH used testosterone pellets first, which did absolutely nothing for him. When he switched to shots it was like night and day.

There are very few doctors who are knowledgeable in testosterone replacement therapy - even endocrinologists aren't always on board with it or up on the latest information. Ledgemoor gave a link to a directory of doctors who specialize in it - I contacted BodyLogic MD and found a practitioner in our metro area.

If it was me, I'd rather try one last time with shots before going to something as drastic and invasive as an implant. If he tries the shots and they fail too, at least it would eliminate the possibility that it was a hormonal problem.
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Re: Ready to give up

Postby Job29Man » Sun Oct 23, 2016 12:06 pm

It seems like we hear a pattern regularly.


-- My husband had ED (or loss of desire, or etc). We have tried everything.
- What's his T level?
-- I don't know. But the doc said it's "normal" or "low range of normal."
-- OK, but what is his T level?
-- I don't know.
-- I understand but many docs, yes even endocrinologists think that X is the "normal" cutoff, but in fact those in the know who get great results say that's way low. The T level should be much higher.
-- We tried everything.
-- T shots?
-- No, not the shots. Everything but the shots.
--Try the shots, they're better. What's his T level?
-- I got the paperwork now. His T level is ABC.
-- Is that ABC free testosterone, or ABC bioavailable testosterone?
-- I don't know. It just says "testosterone."
--You need to get back with the doc and find out what "Kind" of T that is.

Is this the state of the T therapy industry today? No standards? No accepted norms to diagnose low T? Are the AMA published standards just way too low in general? Or does it depend on other factors? Like, ABC is normal for a 62 year old IF he has XYZ other good things going on in his body and NO other meds or complicating conditions? Or ABC is normal for a 62 year old IF he's blood type A, but not if he's blood type O?
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