I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
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I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Postby youngandmarried » Wed Nov 02, 2016 3:49 am

Hello guys, I really don't know what I should do so I'm writing here. I hope somebody can help me. I'm 19, my wife is 20 and we got married this young mainly because we wanted to get physical without sinning. We've been married for a little over 4 months. And my "success rate" is only about 20% Note: The last time I looked at porn was 3.5 years ago.

First month we weren't able to have sex at all. My wife told me it's okay and that I should just focus on Jesus. So I did that. Then we went for holiday to Greece and it got way better. I was convinced that this problem is gone. Then she got UTI so we couldn't have sex for a week. When we tried again, it didn't work again. So another month went by and then it got better again. But as always, I failed again and I was at the same place I started.

This problem is killing her, me and our relationship. For example, she doesn't want to kiss me, because she's scared that it would lead to sex and yet another failing. We tried almost everything. We prayed for it A LOT. Got a counseling from more experienced married couple. Forgave each other. Nothing helps in the long run.

I'm becoming desperate. The feeling that I can't please my wife is killing my confidence. Our marriage lost the desire we used to have. Now we are really close to each other, but not physically. We love each other but we're scared of intimacy. I'm 100% sure it's psychological. I can get an erection pretty easily. But it fades away the moment things get "serious" and I start psyching out.

I'm not sure what to do next. I don't want to depend on a pill to be able to have sex with my wife. So I'm thinking about buying an erection ring. I thought that this problem will be fixed by God alone so I'm feel kind of ashamed and defeated to buy it.

My wife also suggested to just give up and surrender. She told me that it might be the solution to this. But I'm afraid that if I give up, I'll simply stop trying and sex life will die altogether.

Any tips or thoughts?


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Re: I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Postby tjw » Wed Nov 02, 2016 5:21 am

You both need to relax. Make an agreement that you are going to spend time in bed with each other without any requirement to have sex. Focus on how wonderful it is to be together and touch each other, kiss, and hold each other. If things naturally progress to sex, then allow it, you don't have to stop, and you don't have to continue. Learn each other, what you like, what she likes,

You two have a lifetime of terrific sex ahead of you, you have plenty of time to discover just what a superb gift God has given to you both.

Porn places very unrealistic expectations on both partners. I commend you for putting it out of your life so long ago. However, God made your brain so that it doesn't forget. Your first sexual experiences have "wired" you based on having sex with yourself, in the mental sense. It will take time for the Lord's design to "unwire" itself and "rewire" itself toward having sex with your wife. But, rest assured, "rewire" itself is exactly what it will do. God made it that way, too. He put in all the capabilities your brain will need to do just that, and the result will be a lifetime of marital happiness for both you and your wife.

It's rare for someone of your age to have any kind of physical problem sexually. So I'm not going to suggest that you see a doctor, nor use any drugs, nor bring any devices into the mix.

This problem is killing her, me and our relationship.

Please eliminate any thoughts of this. This is a complete and total lie which comes from the pit of hell. This problem has come to millions of married couples and has been overcome by just the very fact that God has joined them together, and they had some anxiety, but God is still on the throne ! And He will bless you and not only hold your marriage sacred in His sight, but in your sights also. There are also millions of married couples who enjoy sex and have marvelously bonded relationships even though their physical sexual abilities have been curtailed by disease, older ages, etc. They love each other, please each other including orgasms, sensual delight, and share each moment they have together with complete satisfaction.

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Re: I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Nov 02, 2016 7:03 am

What about masturbation? Are you doing it? How often? And are you having problems with an erection then?

I ask that, because if you are use to a certain amount of pressure and movement by manual stimulation, it can have a negative effect when one transitions to intercourse. If that could be the issue, your body needs a "retraining", and you should stop masturbating.

That's just one idea.

Don't give up. Keep working at this together. It's not "your" problem, it's now an "our" problem. You two can still be sexual, even without intercourse, while you are working on this. You have hands and a mouth that can help bring your wife some satisfaction. If masturbation could be the problem and you need a reset, I would be careful on what is done to you. Don't go in expecting PIV, that way you both can learn to relax and enjoy. As you do that, it can help you work through your mental issue, and one day you will be ready.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Postby txtwindad » Wed Nov 02, 2016 1:49 pm

All the earlier advice is good. But also, just keep in mind, the loss of an erection does not mean sex is over. You have a mouth and fingers to satisfy her as well. And a man with no erection can still have an orgasm. Oral sex is much easier on your wife's jaw if you are not erect. Don't let your attitude about something you cannot control mess up your marriage.
 "Baby, Baby go and fetch some water,
Pour it on me so's I don't melt.
Can't you see you've got me burnin' hotter
Than a black vinyl car seat in ..." Two Tons of Steel

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Re: I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Postby Vanna » Wed Nov 02, 2016 10:33 pm

As others have said- this isn't that uncommon. It takes time sometimes to shift from the mechanics of masturbation to the process of intercourse.

Clearly, you are fine physically if you keep having successful stretches. You already know it's your brain messing with your confidence.

First of all, get the failure idea out of your head. That can kill the best arousal out there. Our "equipment" acts up from time to time, it's not the end of the world. It can be exhaustion, refractory time, too many "stops" before orgasm, too many distractions, or myriad other causes. (Ladies can experience it too with difficulty orgasming.)

Don't let glitchy gear get you down. If it acts out- relax, enjoy all the other fun things- oral, manual, etc. We have found that certain positions help when things aren't as cooperative as we'd like: hands and knees (doggie), or from the edge of the bed or chair, sometimes standing/bending in the shower...

Experiment. Use a good lube. We like coconut oil.

The biggest hurdle is probably helping your lady not feel like this means you don't find her sexy...

It would be good if she could visit the forum and get some encouragement from the ladies on that account- we've all been there and know the challenge of realizing that erection behavior is not an accurate barometer of our husband's attraction or our beauty. :)

Get rid of negative thinking and fear. How you both face and overcome these small challenges early on will be a reflection of how you are able to deal with the really big challenges later. You will overcome this, and learn a lot about each other and marriage in the process. :)
After 28 years and six kids, through the good and bad, by the grace of God, things keep getting better and better. ::wed

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Re: I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Postby OldBear » Thu Nov 03, 2016 5:16 am

Great words of wisdom and advice, Vanna. YoungandMarried, for years you were told (told yourself) to keep your 'fingers out of the cookie jar.' Now, the jar is filled with 'delicious cookies' and you and your DW not only have permission but you both are rewarded for enjoying as many 'cookies' as you desire and delight. Success in TMB is not based on performance; it's based on generous, self-giving and self-receiving intimate love from the one that God gave to each of you.

Relax and know that our Heavenly Father delights in the intimacy of TMB. He delights when we delight in any amount, lots of variety, even little tastes of 'sexual cookies' with our God-given spouse for life.

I'm no longer YoungandMarried; just an Oldbear. My equipment is not nearly as nimble, quick, or reliable. Sometimes it's just a flat tire and I'm flat tired. Nonetheless, Mrs. Oldbear loves it when we are intimate, reaching the goal or not. Practice a lot and delight in both the hits and misses!

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Re: I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Postby ghostrider » Thu Nov 03, 2016 9:51 pm

youngandmarried wrote: My wife told me it's okay and that I should just focus on Jesus.

Sorry, but I can't leave that one alone. Yes, focus on Jesus in your everyday life, but in the bedroom, well the focus should be on your wife if you are trying to get turned on.

But in all seriousness - I do wonder if your view of Jesus could be affecting you subconsciously. As Oldbear said - you have been told your whole life to keep out of the cookie jar, but now it is permissible. This can be a hard transition for many to make. Do you truly believe that sex in marriage is blessed and encouraged by God, that he wants you to have lots and lots of pleasure with your wife? If there is some hangup in the back of your mind telling you that God doesn't want you to have too much fun in bed with your wife - and you know God is always watching you - I suppose that could mess with your ability to have an erection. Maybe this doesn't apply, but if it does, make sure you work thru it and understand the truth about marriage as detailed on this site.

Also, there is truth in the idea of relaxing to get hard, of not trying so hard to get hard. I have had a few times when I couldn't get aroused, but what has always worked has been when I manually stimulate my wife and get her aroused - either by OS or manual penetration. For me there is no greater turn-on than watching her in the throes of pleasure.

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Re: I can't keep an erection (19 years old)

Postby YaM » Fri Nov 04, 2016 6:59 am

Thank you all for your tips and advice.

I couldn't login to my account (youngandmarried) because it has been deactivated by administrator (probably because it took me 2 days to reply, I don't know). I really wanted to thank you guys so I created this account (hope it doesn't get deactivated too).

Your words really encouraged me and a few hours after I posted here, DW and I had sex after a month or so. I think we just need to learn a lot about each other, our bodies and sex in general.
tjw wrote:You two have a lifetime of terrific sex ahead of you, you have plenty of time to discover just what a superb gift God has given to you both.

These words touched me and brought joy to my life. Special thanks to you, tjw!

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