Unconsummated Marriage

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
JD91
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Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:11 am

Hello,

I joined this forum and decided to post because I’m having a perplexing problem in my new marriage and I’m curious to know if anyone has heard of or experienced anything similar.

I’m a 25-year-old man and my wife is 26. We got married about three weeks ago (October 29), and it’s all been truly wonderful, except that we haven’t yet consummated our marriage. We try every night, and her body seems to work perfectly, but I can’t seem to get excited enough long enough to have intercourse. In fact, ever since the wedding day I’ve had barely any physical desire for sexual stimulation at all. We are both Christians with no sexual experience, no porn use, and no fooling around prior to marriage. We both come from great Christian families and have no deep-seated emotional issues or traumas.

What really confounds me is that up until the wedding day, like most young men, I had a very strong sex drive. I battled lust on a daily basis, though by God’s grace never giving into porn. Then when the day finally came to enjoy God-given sexuality in marriage, it was as if a switch flipped and all those sexual desires disappeared. Since then, I’ve experienced some moments of mild arousal (with my wife thankfully, not alone), but nothing more and certainly not enough for intercourse.

The situation is also puzzling in that I find my wife incredibly attractive and beautiful. I’m very much in love with her body and soul…so I don’t understand why I’m never in the mood to make love.

While she’s been as loving and godly as can be through this confusion, and it hasn’t hindered our relationship so far, I’m feeling more and more frustrated with myself. I long to share the one-flesh union with her that I had always assumed would be so easy and natural. It’s also frustrating to think that after years of singleness and tempting sexual feelings, now that I finally am married and free to enjoy those feelings, the feelings disappear.

I’m planning to bring this issue up to a physician if nothing improves, but I’d be interested to know if this is completely unusual, or if it might be more common than I think. I believe the issue is psychological, given my normal sex drive prior to marriage. I’m open to and appreciate any thoughts.

Thank you!

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Abdkf » Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:37 am

it is surely not a good shoes to be in - however there is hope for the future.

I personally did not experience this but I have heard the stories before.

The understanding I get is that this is temporary situation and it is largely caused by anxiety. It fizzles out over time..

My advise will be for you to focus on other things you find interesting and you can do with your spouse. There is still alot of fun in marriage...

All the best.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Job29Man » Thu Nov 17, 2016 9:43 am

Before marriage did everything work OK at will?
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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Nov 17, 2016 10:11 am

For me? Yes. As I said we didn't do anything sexual together before marriage, but I had no reason to think I'd have any problem having sex after marriage. The thought of sex with my now-wife would have made me aroused before, but now the reality doesn't seem to do much for me. It's really weird.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Nov 17, 2016 10:48 am

Hi JD-- some questions:

but I had no reason to think I'd have any problem having sex after marriage.

Before marriage, did you regularly masturbate to orgasm or have wet dreams? How do you get relief now? Can you masturbate to orgasm in front of your wife or can she do it for you?
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Nov 17, 2016 10:57 am

Yes, I did masturbate regularly before marriage, though I tried to avoid it. Despite that I would say it was 3-5 times a week.

The last orgasm I had was three days before the wedding, now over three weeks ago. Since then, I haven't even had the urge to masturbate, whether with her or alone. I figure I'm going to need relief eventually, but as of now I don't feel like I need any at all. This is why I'm so confused.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Job29Man » Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:27 am

Ledgemoor and I are thinking along the same lines.

Here's what I'd advise (and I'm guessing Ledgemoor too)...

Go back to what worked for you most recently and work your way up from there. Explain to your wife how you used to masturbate. Get naked and actually try to demonstrate it for her. If you can get an erection, great, you could just take it all the way to climax yourself in which case you would have achieved a real success, namely you are aroused by you but you have an orgasm in the same room with your wife. That's a start.

Or you may feel it'd work for her to just step in and take over the masturbation, IOW you remove your hand and replace it with her hand, for this I would recommend that she stand behind you and wrap her dominant hand arm around your waist and take it from the same kind of angle that your own hand would be. Does that make sense? This would be a higher level of success, namely you are actually aroused by her and you climax by HER hand. That's good.

In short, let your past experience with masturbation be the means by which you transition to PIV.

I have a feeling that once you get over that hump it'll be a downhill sled for you both.

Give that a try, or a few tries, and if that doesn't work c'mon back here and we'll have some more suggestions for you.

[But, by all means you should resolve to NOT masturbate alone until long after you have achieved a good sex life of intercourse with her. In my own marriage we have a policy that, unless we are on a road trip apart, we never m. We think it's healthier that way. Others disagree, but this works best for us.]
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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:48 am

Thank you, I think this is good advice. Yes, I was thinking that I should avoid masturbation since it would likely only make intercourse more difficult. However, doing it with her a couple times to start out as you suggest might be a helpful on-ramp. Sometimes we get into the position and movement of intercourse, just without penetration, and I think there've been a couple times I've come close to climax that way. Perhaps I should try that again and just try to get there myself while with her and not worry too much about penetration just yet.

Incidentally, she climaxed on our wedding night before we even could get our clothes off! I guess it's easier for her, though it's usually the other way around.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Job29Man » Thu Nov 17, 2016 11:59 am

Great. Try it today/tonight. When you are ready, let us know how it goes. We are rooting for you! :D
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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Epaminondas » Thu Nov 17, 2016 5:25 pm

Has she tried giving you oral stimulation as means to orgasm or a firmer erection?
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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Fri Nov 18, 2016 6:22 am

No, we both are a little weirded out by the idea of anything oral...maybe that will change as we become more comfortable with each other, but right now it just seems gross! :shock:

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby tjw » Fri Nov 18, 2016 7:06 am

You've received good advice here. I have nothing to add, except for my best wishes and prayers for you and your wife to
have a wonderful marriage and a fulfilling sex life.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby C_Brown » Fri Nov 18, 2016 7:49 pm

Having sex is kind of the point of no return, does that scare you? Are you fearful of it not turning out well and disappointing her? Is there some hurt or guilt that needs to be resolved? The mind plays a big part in all of this, negative feelings can block your body from responding.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby tjw » Fri Nov 18, 2016 8:06 pm

We are both Christians with no sexual experience, no porn use, and no fooling around prior to marriage. We both come from great Christian families and have no deep-seated emotional issues or traumas.


That's wonderful to hear. I think this will certainly help you to come to a quick and lasting resolution. The problem is not "deep-seated", more of the kind of thing you will be able to work out between you and your wife. Practice will make perfect. Enjoy your practice.

Are you fearful of it not turning out well and disappointing her?


This is a quite-common phenomenon between new couples. It's called "performance anxiety" and it can really play havoc during the initial phase of your marriage. The good news? Is that this is almost always overcome by people who have good loving relationships. Because you and your wife have done this God's way, most things which compound this trouble are not factors for you.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby JD91 » Mon Nov 21, 2016 6:00 am

C_Brown wrote:Having sex is kind of the point of no return, does that scare you? Are you fearful of it not turning out well and disappointing her? Is there some hurt or guilt that needs to be resolved? The mind plays a big part in all of this, negative feelings can block your body from responding.


I don't think it scares me at all. I never had a single thought of doubt before the wedding about marrying her, and certainly haven't afterward. With no prior experience, she has no grand expectations for what intercourse might be like (except that it may hurt the first time), so I'm not really worried about disappointing her. To someone with a sexual history, I'm sure our wedding night would have been considered a big disappointment, but to us it was still pretty great since we don't know any different. I was slightly disappointed and confused as to why I wasn't more aroused, but I know that she's been enjoying things so far and is not worried about intercourse, often reassuring me that it'll happen at the right time.

There definitely is no hurt or guilt. We're still only three weeks into our marriage and have never had an argument in our whole relationship! We're still in the honeymoon phase most likely. So all this is good, but it doesn't help me to diagnose why I can't seem to have intercourse. My best guess is that it's due at least in part to my sins of lust before marriage. Though as I said God kept me away from porn, I still entertained a lot of sinful thoughts and probably trained my body to respond to those fantasies rather than the real thing. The lesson is that sin always has deadly consequences, even if it seems like it's not hurting anyone in the moment. I'm hopeful that my body can be retrained, starting with some of the advice offered here. I think I'll still mention this to a physician just to be safe.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby tjw » Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:54 pm

I'm hopeful that my body can be retrained, starting with some of the advice offered here. I think I'll still mention this to a physician just to be safe.


Rest assured, the blood of Jesus is still in power over our sins. I know we have stopped talking about "the blood" in recent times, however, even though it is an old theme, it is still as valid today as it was at Golgotha. Your body can be indeed retrained. Many of us had a bit of trouble getting started and changing our responses from essentially having sex with ourselves to having sex with a partner. It's a big change.

I arrived at sexuality pretty much like you, at that point, I wasn't yet a christian, but I nevertheless had God's help anyway. Even though I didn't know Him, He knew me, and He loved me. It took a few weeks before I was "successful" and the advice given here is exactly what worked.

Nothing wrong with talking to the doc about it. Nothing at all. Check it out.

I know that she's been enjoying things so far and is not worried about intercourse, often reassuring me that it'll happen at the right time.


How wonderful !!!!! Praise God..... His precepts are marvelous and protect us from harm and hurt.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby MayDayGirl » Mon Nov 21, 2016 12:58 pm

JD91 wrote:No, we both are a little weirded out by the idea of anything oral...maybe that will change as we become more comfortable with each other, but right now it just seems gross! :shock:


This stood out to me. Maybe it's nothing, but are you certain you don't have some bad teaching about sexuality?

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby Job29Man » Mon Nov 21, 2016 1:15 pm

JD, a weekend has passed since last we spoke. I just realized that no one has mentioned anything like a time frame. IMHO you have no need to be overly concerned (now that you have been given some pretty good suggestions here) over no success within days. I'd start to be concerned after a few more weeks, and if months go by, it's more serious. Honestly, I'd be surprised if the "replace the hand during masturbation" suggestion doesn't give you some success in a matter of days.
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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby tjw » Mon Nov 21, 2016 1:44 pm

It was 45 years ago, so don't quote me :) but I remember it being about 2-3 months before "normal" intercourse happened regularly for me. So, there's one time frame which is quite a bit longer than your current travail. I think some people on here have reported some time frames in the past out of their own recollections, too, and it isn't at all uncommon for this to persist for a few weeks and months.

Job gave you good advice, don't sweat the time frame. Just enjoy being with your wife and loving her. This time is going to become a really sweet, precious memory for both of you as you share your life together over decades.

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Re: Loss of male sex drive upon marriage

Postby sunny-dee » Tue Nov 22, 2016 11:17 am

MayDayGirl wrote:
JD91 wrote:No, we both are a little weirded out by the idea of anything oral...maybe that will change as we become more comfortable with each other, but right now it just seems gross! :shock:


This stood out to me. Maybe it's nothing, but are you certain you don't have some bad teaching about sexuality?


Meh, maybe, maybe not. When I was younger (in my twenties, actually), oral sounded kind of disgusting. And also pointless -- why not go for the actual sex???? Now that I'm a bit more seasoned, it seems a lot more interesting. It can just take time to work up to some things.

But one option, if oral isn't interesting, is to look at manual stuff. As Job suggests, try having her touch you, but, OP, have you tried touching her? Arousing someone else can be a very arousing experience -- maybe instead of looking at what's going on for you, just focus on pleasuring her (if you haven't already) and let nature take its course.


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