Unconsummated Marriage

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby ng95901 » Sat May 27, 2017 10:59 am

Needed to update my recommendations to also include Castro's other book:

Fetish and You by Jackie Castro MA LMFT (This should be read by anyone affected by the formation of a neutral cue associated with partialisms)

Sex, Fetish and Him by Jackie Castro MA LMFT (This is an excellent resource for wives of those with neutral cue formation and are looking for reference material to understand what makes them tick, so to speak)

The Psychology of Human Sexuality by Dr. Justin Lehmiller (Lehmiller is one of the noted minds today. You can find much of his work readily available on his blog which is found under the domain name of his last name)
“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles...”

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby be64 » Sat May 27, 2017 1:10 pm

poetess wrote:be64, that would depend on whether his wife is OK with that idea, I think.
I would think that after seven months of marriage she should be okay with the idea of intercourse.
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby poetess » Sat May 27, 2017 2:19 pm

be64, obviously she wants intercourse. But a virgin bride who has learned not to expect intercourse might need some foreplay, and sudden insertion when she is unprepared may not end well.
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Sat May 27, 2017 7:32 pm

poetess wrote:be64, obviously she wants intercourse. But a virgin bride who has learned not to expect intercourse might need some foreplay, and sudden insertion when she is unprepared may not end well.


Yes, we both want intercourse but since she is a virgin every attempt has to be very, very slow, or else she feels discomfort. (Although her hymen already broke naturally years ago.) This is part of the reason I'm struggling to maintain an erection long enough. We've never fully penetrated, and even with lots of foreplay she still never gets aroused. So we're attempting PIV when she's not aroused and has never experienced penetration before (except for a slowly inserted dilator). This in itself is a roadblock, on top of my own issues.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby tjw » Sun May 28, 2017 5:53 am

JD91 wrote:This in itself is a roadblock, on top of my own issues.


Yes. That's also where a good, qualified sex therapist will be good for your wife and will help to get you two going.

In many men, this is enough by itself to cause psychological ED. Normal men absolutely do not want to hurt their wives and the protective instinct
in them toward their wife is quite strong. She should be seeing a gynecologist to get some help, too.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Fri Jul 07, 2017 4:13 am

Quick update:

I had two sessions one-on-one with the new counselor I mentioned (the one who had published in the area of sexual paraphelia). The first session he mainly listened as I told him everything. The second session he offered a few practical suggestions (that we intentionally decide not to have intercourse on a given night to relieve the pressure, that we experiment with oils as a means of transition from my fetish, etc). Again, I don't know if this counselor is going to be ultimately worth the cost ($200 for a 50-min session). Overall, I think I've received more helpful advice and wisdom on here (even though I don't post on here expecting TMB to be a substitute for professional therapy). So I'm not sure if I'm going to make another appointment with this counselor or not. I don't think we can afford to right now, as we just moved to our first house and money is tight. But I also don't want to give up on seeking solutions to the fact that we still haven't had intercourse.

Last night she was sexually in the mood and I thought I was too, but I couldn't get an erection. The time we tried before that, I had a strong erection the whole time and was passionately doing things that I know she likes, but despite that she wasn't able to get aroused at all. It's like our timing is still off. We've never both been strongly aroused at the same time, and our lovemaking still consistently ends with disappointment and frustration. We're still praying.

Once we get on the insurance plan at my new job, the counselor will be in-network and more affordable I think. We talked about having the next session be with DW and I together. I'm not sure if this is a good idea or not. We thought maybe she should find a counselor to see individually too, since she hasn't seen anyone by herself about the sexual problem. I'm just not sure what's next.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby tjw » Fri Jul 07, 2017 5:40 am

We're definitely not a good "substitute", but we're good "in addition to" professional therapy. Most of us will point to professionals because only
they have the clinical background and experience to adequately deal with persistent problems.

One severe disadvantage we have is that we're not talking to your wife. We're not getting her thoughts, her aspirations, her inputs
to the discussion. We can't help her. There are ladies on here who have very good thinking abilities and experience with sexual problems of their own. If your wife would feel comfortable to come here and share, she might get some good insights and suggestions from them.

In my opinion, including your wife in the therapy is essential to any solution which can be provided. I suggest you two do exactly that, work together on the problem.

I definitely have empathy to the financial cost problem. Our whole medical-care "system" has been frotched by changing the customer from the patient to a corporate-greed red-tape mavin. The doctor's office I go to has NO doctor, only two CRNPs, and about TWELVE paper-pushers and "assistants". However, my insurance card states that my "primary care physician" IS a doctor, but she is a person I have never met, and who does not practice at the office where I get care. I'll leave that for another forum.

Bottom line is take advantage of all the "free" help you can get, and don't eliminate the professional. But choose your times and your usage to extract the greatest value that you can from your dollars. And continue in togetherness to seek solutions. In light of the cost factor, I'd say definitely bring your wife.

BTW, congratulations. Having a strong erection the whole time is a big improvement. You are making progress.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Job29Man » Fri Jul 07, 2017 6:39 am

tjw wrote:BTW, congratulations. Having a strong erection the whole time is a big improvement. You are making progress.

Yes! Good catch tjw!
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Jul 27, 2017 3:44 am

I have definitely thought about asking my wife if she wants to make her own post on TMB. My concern though is that I've found that talking a lot about our problem seems to make her more anxious. The times we've made some progress in the bedroom are the times when she's been able to really let go and forget the fact that intimacy has been a major struggle for us. It seems the more we talk about it as this big "problem" to be solved, the more inhibited she feels and the more pressure there is for her to become aroused (and nobody can get aroused under that kind of pressure). She definitely didn't have any problems until she saw that I was having problems, so that's why I think stress, pressure, and fear are the big inhibitors for her. Then again, maybe talking to some women on here who have had similar experiences might help. I'm just trying to be careful to help her not to mentally dwell on this issue of ours and become more anxious. So rather than bring it up a lot, I've tried to just be loving and passionate and sensual throughout the day and in the bedroom.

Last week we were on vacation with my parents (we had plenty of privacy though). One night she got very aroused, but of course that was the only night that I couldn't get aroused hardly at all. I can honestly say that we've never once both been very aroused at the same time. I really think that if it would happen just once, IC would follow fairly easily.

She also just got hired for a new teaching job starting in the fall, so we need to compare her school's healthcare plan to my employer's and decide what to go on. Then we'll be able to get back to the counseling sessions.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Nvr2Late » Thu Jul 27, 2017 9:28 am

I may have missed something, but I thought the main issue was your inability to become firmly aroused enough for PIV due to your WAM fetish?

So now, your DW is having ongoing issues with arousal too? Perhaps it would be good to hear from her. I hope she joins.

I want you to know I've read your threads and have been praying in the past. My heart goes out to you both.
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Jul 27, 2017 1:47 pm

It's really a number of issues all at the same time. Initially, I was the one unable to get aroused enough, but that caused her to become anxious about our intimacy to the point where she no longer experiences any sex drive and rarely becomes aroused. Prior to the honeymoon, she had plenty of sex drive. On top of this, there was also a lot of physical tightness on her end, which may or may not have had purely psychological causes. So she's made progress using dilators, but when the time comes for the two of us to try and make things happen, it still just doesn't come close to working. She's too tight and I get too soft.

But thank you so much for your prayers! I know God ordained us to get married and thus He intends that we be one. But it's going on nine months and it's tough not knowing how much longer it might take. We're definitely learning patience.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby tjw » Thu Jul 27, 2017 2:20 pm

Focus on the wonderful time you're going to have with each other for the rest of your lives. Yes, this may be a temporary rough place, but I know God has the solution for both of you. Keep pursuing and don't give up intimacy with each other.

You are also learning an aspect of being "one flesh" as God has ordained. What happens in one of you affects the other.

I don't know if anyone has mentioned a penis ring. It is essentially a rubber band that is put around the base of the penis once it is erect. It prevents the blood from exiting the penis. If you two could manage to get one of you going sexually, the "one flesh" principle would help to bring the other along.

A small strap-on dildo might help get your wife accustomed to receiving penetration.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Thu Jul 27, 2017 3:39 pm

Yeah, I do have a penis ring. The times I've tried it, it kind of freaks me out because of how it cuts off the circulation and kind of creates this numb feeling. It's probably worth trying again, but it hasn't really helped so far.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Mon Jul 31, 2017 3:41 am

We actually made some progress this weekend! We were able to penetrate with me having taken Cialis and her having insterted a dilator immediately beforehand. My erection still starts to fade upon penetration, but it faded more slowly than before so that I could stay inside and just allow her to get comfortable with that. At first it hurt for her, but the pain gradually turned into simply discomfort, and I was even able to move a little bit inside her without it causing too much pain.

I wasn't able to finish inside her yet, but after this I did finish by having "intercourse" between her thighs (which I had done a few times in the past). It still takes a while for me...I get close to the edge but then I have a hard time letting go and just letting it happen the way God designed. I think I'm still so used to the control and "personalness" that comes from doing it with my own hand. But things are definitely improving and I'm gradually learning how to really share my sexuality with her. We still have a long way to go it seems, but thanks for your prayers and praise God that we seem to be moving in the right direction finally!

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby tjw » Mon Jul 31, 2017 4:51 am

JD91 wrote:praise God


Yes, indeed. May His wonderful name be blessed and praised forever.

My beloved young brother, you have been "moving in the right direction" for all of this time. That's the only thing we can really do. We cannot guarantee the rate of progress, and we cannot choose "the road" which lies ahead of us, most often, we can't even see it. But the direction, and the manner in which we travel it, is always our choice.

Through this, you have chosen rightly and wisely. And, I believe God is rewarding your choices for both you and your wife.

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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Job29Man » Mon Jul 31, 2017 5:36 am

JD1,

This is great! Good for you both! Guess what? That means you are both no longer virgins! How cool is that?!! 8)
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Romantic Husband » Mon Jul 31, 2017 10:06 am

JD1, I don't want to put words in Job's mouth, but I think he is saying, and I agree, that you two have consummated your marriage! Yay for the two of you!!!

God bless the two of you. You have been blessed with a wonderful wife. Things will continue to get better.
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby Nvr2Late » Tue Aug 01, 2017 3:53 pm

I'm very happy to hear this good progress report. Congratulations to you both!
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Aug 03, 2017 7:15 am

Congratulations! So happy to hear.
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Re: Unconsummated Marriage

Postby JD91 » Tue Aug 08, 2017 3:49 am

Well last night we had IC again and I actually finished! It took over an hour of trial and error and a lot of concentration, but it finally happened, nine months and ten days after the wedding night! We still have a lot to work on...She still couldn't get aroused at all, and IC is still uncomfortable bordering on painful for her. I still struggle to get and keep an erection, even having taken Cialis. We weren't getting anywhere with a condom, so we ended up just going without any contraception. Thus it was very hard for me to let go knowing that it could potentially lead to a pregnancy. I've wanted to get to the point of having a fully healthy sex life before having kids, but I ended up having to trust God about it. This is DW's less fertile time of the month, so a pregnancy is unlikely anyhow.

So now I'm looking forward to learning how to make her feel pleasure and eventually have Os again. So praise God—your prayers and words of encouragement have certainly not been wasted! I can't tell you how much I've appreciated having the support on TMB. You all have an excellent ministry on here. I'm also glad our whole story is up here for any other couples who might have similar challenges.


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