When to worry about ED

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
Starlight
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When to worry about ED

Postby Starlight » Sat Oct 21, 2017 8:08 am

I am wondering when one needs to do something before it turns a big problem. DH is in early 40s and has had some trouble maintaining his erection. Sometimes its terrific, no problem. Than other times, it goes completely flat. The interesting thing is, when he usually loses his erection, its at the same time, each time. That is just before PIV. Than he needs so much stimulation I sometimes lose my arousal (and enthusiasm!). Now is this because I've been a gatekeeper of sorts through the years, a result of his thinking, an age related thing? He is not overweight and very active. He gets rock hard erections at night. We averaged making love once a week or slightly less, occasionally going up to 3 weeks without, no masturbating either. Now obviously we are picking up and doing it 2 to 3 times a week, with both of us enthused. I don't want to make too much mention of this to him, because I don't want problem to get worse. Will this improve with practice? He does take maca, which helps. Any advice?

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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby tjw » Thu Oct 26, 2017 1:47 am

The time is now. ED and failing erections can be a sign of impending cardiovascular disease. Your husband should have a checkup on the pump and plumbing. This disease is progressive and can be delayed in action by good diet practices, exercise, and perhaps medication if the doc thinks that's warranted.

Losing the erection just before PIV is a common symptom of psychologically-influenced ED. It's "stage fright". The man's greatest fear is that he will fail to satisfy and please his wife. "Gatekeeping" is usually interpreted by the man to mean she is not pleased and is avoiding him because of it. And, yes, this can be age-related, as the man feels himself "slipping" in ability to perform.

Starlight
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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby Starlight » Fri Oct 27, 2017 6:42 am

That's good to know. Thank you! We are getting into a new routine and it's going very well and we are both satisfied!

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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby Starlight » Mon Nov 06, 2017 8:47 am

I am losing sleep over this. Is this something to wait out or do something about? DH seems to have completely lost his sex drive. After years of him being all over me, and yes, I was LD and sometimes a gatekeeper. Now when my eyes have been opened, he has completely lost his drive. He has had his heart checked at his physical a year or 2 ago. So is this to be expected? He eats very healthy, and would rather go the herbal route, instead of medication. Should I try to instigate love making or leave it? He is cheerful, energetic, enjoys being with me, etc.His thought is that after years of not having sex very often, now for awhile we had it a few times a week, that he is drained and his body needs to get used to the new 'norm'. His nutritionist has put him on zinc and a higher Vit D dose. Its just that for years he was turned on by me undressing and now my touch won't even do it. It doesn't bother him too badly, yet.

tjw
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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby tjw » Mon Nov 06, 2017 9:57 am

ED is a serious inhibitor to "desire" in men. The fear of "failure" causes them to "bury" the desire for pain avoidance.

The years of infrequent sex may also be contributing to loss of desire, due to the same reasons. This doesn't reverse itself quickly. He may indeed be "drained" by a few complete encounters, he may be understanding his own psychology well.

Its just that for years he was turned on by me undressing and now my touch won't even do it.


Let me take a guess that these "years" were those in which ED was not showing up. Becoming aroused was more "safe", then. He would most likely not have to "perform", because you weren't really active sexually. And, even if it did make it through to actual sex, he didn't have fear of failure.

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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby Starlight » Mon Nov 06, 2017 10:04 am

So than my question is, shall we wait it out? Should I try to instigate it or wait for him? I told him I felt fully responsible for it and would do all I could to rectify the situation. I don't want to push and yet I don't want to pull away either. We will gladly work with it and wait, but if there's something that would help in the meantime we would try that. He has only been on zinc and Vit D for a couple days and he is supposed to see how it goes in a month or so.

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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby tjw » Mon Nov 06, 2017 11:05 am

In the natural realm, there is yohimbine. It is an herb which some believe has aphrodisiac properties. Scientifically this is largely unproven but there is anecdotal report of results. It's a hard substance to study scientifically because it's difficult to control the dosage. I took this when I was having my bout with ED. My doc also prescribed niacin (vitamin B3) and gave me shots of testosterone. I think the treatment regimen helped me but it's hard to say which substance had the biggest effect.

There is also ginger which is a natural vasodilator and some report as an aphrodisiac. Perhaps more sales literature than established fact.

If it were me, I would want my wife to initiate. It would reinforce her desire for me in my mind. I'd also want her to reinforce the idea that "failure" is "ok", that having an orgasm by manual or oral is "good" and "satisfying" for her if I can't complete the PIV.

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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby reillyj » Mon Nov 06, 2017 7:14 pm

i would have to agree w/tjw in that you should be willing and able to let him finish in other ways..

My H also has it pretty bad, bad enough that he has to take ED meds and sometimes they fail (he's 69) and ironically, like you, it's when i've had a sexual awakening and have much more of a sex drive. We did go years and years and years with very infrequent sex due to his health problems and now that i look back, some of it was my gate keeping... and we weren't sexually adventurous AT ALL--well i wasn't anyway.

So now that he finds himself with frequent ED, i have become much more involved orally with him whereas before i was not and more often that not now, although he doesn't PREFER it this way (but appreciates it)he would much prefer PIV, i allow him to finish in my mouth. I find myself enjoying that more and more to be able to please him that way and make sure i'm enthusiastic about it while we find options to shore up his health but at some point--age does take a toll and sex becomes more of a challenge.

I do think men would like to ignore health problems and try to "man up" or fix it psychologically if that makes sense but they really do need a thorough check up and to be willing to take measures to address the problem if at all possible. This is a delicate time for his moral and it's up to us wives to take the pressure off and try to be as sexually responsive and enthusiastic as possible. And also KEEP the lines of communication open. Our sexual problems really began early this year when i hit perimenopause and of course H's ED became worse--my drive is way higher than it used to be and ironically i'm having much harder problems with orgasm and he with his ED. At first it was really hard until we both came to the conclusion not to make too much of it, it's going to be more of a challenge as we get older and to just enjoy as much of it as we can and improvise.

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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby Starlight » Tue Nov 07, 2017 8:59 am

We will keep at it. Thanks for the encouragement. I initiated again last night, and I knew he had no interest. But it didn't take long and he was enthused as well and a good time was had by both. He said he now has an idea how I felt all those years when I had no desire! And I said well, now I have an idea how he felt all those years as well!

tjw
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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby tjw » Tue Nov 07, 2017 9:10 am

Interesting turnout. May God add His rich blessing to the years you and your husband have together.

Starlight
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Re: When to worry about ED

Postby Starlight » Wed Nov 29, 2017 9:12 am

Back again! Things are no different than the last time I posted. I am trying to keep initiating LM, but its hard. I don't want to lose my drive yet, so I don't know what to do. DH doesn't touch me anymore, at all. He feels smothered if I touch him too much. I said I knew the feeling all too well. He used to love, love, love all my lady bits and now he couldn't care less. He is cheerful and likes the new me and has always been excellent in the love making department. I asked him if he wanted to take care of my needs now, or if I should quietly do it myself. He said he would if he was around. I said I'd make sure he was. He completely lost his drive since my awakening. I have told him I take all the blame for it, but I am at a loss. I feel terrible for all those wasted years and would like to make up for it, but I don't want to drive him crazy doing it. Also, how to suggest trying different things without making him feel like a failure. I don't care if we don't have actual PIV, although we usually do. Also, I'd like to show him it doesn't matter if his 'manhood' doesn't always do what it supposed to. He is having big, hard, long-lasting erections at night. So that's a good sign, not? I said we were going to quit wasting those. If we were both awake, than we would make good use of them! He thought it would be more relaxing to sleep. Sad thing is, he never used to be that way. He gave me the lube though, since its always stored on his side, so I know he agreed with me!


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