It just stopped ...?

Erectile disfunction, premature ejaculation, delayed orgasm, etc.
goldandglitter390
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It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 11:04 am

Hey everyone.

My husband and i have been married for about a year and a half now..

We are both virgins and in the beginning struggled making sex work for the first month... mainly due to being inexperienced... nervous, and condom size issues :?

Anyway..once we figured that out things started to work, and now we make love roughly 2-3 times a week..lately 2 just cause we have been working a lot and putting in a lot of late nights and he has no energy at 2 am.. i can’t blame him ha.

Anyway... we went from having amazing sex last Friday to now not being able to at all... we tried 4 timesrhis week and just.. nothing ... it’s halfway there but it just can’t go further.... i try to help with my hands and he usually ends up getting halfway hard and then it comes and it’s over... not even fully hard?

It at the point now where it barely gets there and then it’s done..

I’ve asked him if he is stressed/ upset/ etc... and he has no clue... honestly none... he did have a few drinks last week ( he rarely ever drinks) and mentioned those making him really junky for a few days after lately .

He is just so sad now and feels like he can’t do anything.. any tips? Do you guys think it could be health/ heart related? Or is it mental now? I heard his heart racing when i was trying to help him out.. but maybe that’s normal?

Thanks guys!

goldandglitter390
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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 11:10 am

I forgot to mention.. we are both 27.. healthy and work out 2-4 times a week...

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby tjw » Mon Nov 20, 2017 11:38 am

I'd recommend seeing a urologist, who may bring in vascular. I'm not thinking it's heart or PAD related.

Psychological ED usually takes two basic forms, one where it is due to nervousness, inexperience, fears of not pleasing his wife, or from an event where there is psychological injury to the man, affairs, wife making fun of him, acquired knowledge which was previously unknown to him, etc. You have not exposed any stressor which would make me think this.

Atherosclerotic changes such as in heart disease usually are gradual ... changes in erectile function happen over months and years. And, those are more of a suspect in an older man.

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby doug-h » Mon Nov 20, 2017 11:46 am

My guess is that it is temporary. The first episode may jave been brougjt on by stress and anxiety. After that, the anxiety is self inflicted performamce anxiety. Maybe give things a rest for a day or so to take the pressure off, and see what happens.

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 12:00 pm

HE does have an inguinal hernia that we know about.. it runs in his family... about a month ago he was experiencing a lot of pain down there... but he wasn’t sure if maybe it was working out too much as he added some new exercises... and a few days later the pain subsided... not sure if these have any effect on erections?

I am all for getting checked out.. but you know young men... he is afraid to go... doesn’t like the dr

I have tried to relieve pressure and tell him it’s okay, but now he is frustrated mentally..

So it could be a mixture of both...

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby pop fish » Mon Nov 20, 2017 12:08 pm

If oral is not part of your preliminary activity, you might try that approach. It always managed to get my attention :D

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby George B. » Mon Nov 20, 2017 12:50 pm

we’ve had similar issues—in fact, your early married experience (virgins, condom size issues) is identical to us, so maybe our experience can be helpful. for some reason, in early marriage, we had issues with this. I think most of it was mental and maybe a little physical. there were a lot of emotions going on. I was scared of hurting her, sex was starting to feel like a chore, it was different than I’d expected, getting used to different sensations (condoms, being inside her, responding to another person, etc). It’s not abnormal for a relatively young man to experience these kinds of issues from time to time. Iwould say switch things up—find a way to relax and just have fun with sex. take any mental or emotional pressure out of the equation. Of course, if it continues you may want to think about seeing a urologist but I wouldn’t recommend that at the moment.
Let us know how it goes.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 1:15 pm

Pop fish.. haha we haven’t yet experimented with that.. but in all honestly it wouldn’t bother me... i think he just has mentioned feeling bad asking for that.. or it might feel akward for him in the beginning.. lol but i wouldn’t be opposed ha.

George. Thanks for the reassurance... early on in our marriage yeah totally- we actually don’t use condoms anymore as i have an iud now , so that takes away that thank God ha! That’s what i was thinking.. i mean i figured it’s normal for it sometimes just to not work... i must admit i was a little upset last time ..not at him or anything... and we never put each other down so it’s none of that.. he could just tell i was upset because it didn’t work- so we did talk through it and i told him he doesn’t need to worry about expectations right now... so hopefully that helps... but now it seems to be performance anxiety... how do we get out of this cycle? How do you just turn off your brain?

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby George B. » Mon Nov 20, 2017 1:25 pm

What's his sexual history? Has he ever used porn? As far as turning off his brain, I agree with Pop Fish's suggestion. Just try to have him relax. No goals. Learn to receive pleasure. Pretend you're on a deserted island and fighting out how this thing called sex works. Play with each other. Follow the moment and do what feels good. If piv happens, great. But don't push it. And if he loses his erection, shrug it off and move on to another fun activity. Revel in his penis and enjoy playing with it and honoring it. I know that may sound weird but it can really help a guy with performance anxiety.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 2:25 pm

I think In the past high school/ etc he did- i mean I’m not downplaying it... but don’t 99% is men? I had a ton of guy friends growing up and they all would confide in me and tell me their struggles... all Christian men, so it didn’t really surprise me..again not to downplay it..

I know a few years into our realtionship he mentioned it and started working on controlling it more and it doesn’t seem to be an issue.. i came out and asked and he said nothing has changed in the past week lol.. except it doesn’t work ..

I agree with you, i think taking pressure off will help- i mean it did when we first got married...

Sometimes i just wonder if maybe he does need to be checked out..:just because another side thing is... we really have only been able to achieve one position... pretty much moving or standing up.. or missionary makes it go away...i mean .. the way we do ir has worked... many many times..... and he did mention talking to his dad about it and his dad said the same thing happens with them... so maybe it’s something structural? But i do know he is in his head a lot and his main goal is always to make me feel good... so i think a lot of it for him is performance and worrying about failing :/

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby George B. » Mon Nov 20, 2017 2:55 pm

goldandglitter390 wrote:I think In the past high school/ etc he did-

I meant porn can definitely have an effect on expectations of what sex is like. The reality can be off-putting to some men. Plus the sensation of masturbation can be really different than sex which can create problems.

goldandglitter390 wrote:I agree with you, i think taking pressure off will help- i mean it did when we first got married...

good. Helpful to know.

goldandglitter390 wrote: Sometimes i just wonder if maybe he does need to be checked out..:just because another side thing is... we really have only been able to achieve one position... pretty much moving or standing up.. or missionary makes it go away...

I've never heard of only being able to keep an erection in one position. Unless he has just really likes that one position or it provides the right sensations for him. Or there could be a physical reason, as you suggested. Kind of weird you know that about your father in law...

Anyway, hope that helps
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 5:25 pm

Well... yeah but your making it seem like it’s not working cause of expectations... i can see if it was always like that..

But we have been intimate for over a year and a half now multiple times a week with there being no problem whatsoever...so i feel like that doesn’t really make sense ?

Yeah i mean maybe... i come from a family of people in medical.. and I’m very open with people as are people with me ( while still having class).. so i guess it doesn’t seem that weird to me- it’s not like his dad told
Me..my husband just mentioned it in the beginning :)

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby George B. » Mon Nov 20, 2017 6:06 pm

goldandglitter390 wrote: we have been intimate for over a year and a half now multiple times a week with there being no problem whatsoever...so i feel like that doesn’t really make sense ?

Good point. I think I was getting you mixed up with someone else. So, unless something else has changed, you may want to consider physical reasons.

goldandglitter390 wrote:Yit’s not like his dad told me..my husband just mentioned it in the beginning :)

Not a problem. So you're saying that only standing positions work for him? That does make me wonder if something is being compressed
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Mon Nov 20, 2017 9:38 pm

Yeah lol.. it’s okay.. i mean in the beginning i considered that more but i think it was just a learning curve for both of us! No.. haha standing makes it go away... the only position we can do is me on top :/ ... any movement and it goes away... I’m wondering if that’s cause he is worried it will.. just cause it always has... idk either way i know things will work out :/

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 9:59 am

So.. we gave it a rest for a week... mainly due to the fact that we were staying at his parents house and he just kinda feels awkward there which I respect...

We did mess around a little / making out/ touching and he was “ready to go” for almost 15 mins, but we decided that would be as far as we would go..

Last night we got home and started to try again... same as before...ed and then after a while PE... I reassured him it’s not a big deal and there arnt any expectations , but he told me he was stating to get nervous and stressed out way before because he just wants to make me happy :/ ... so now I’m guessing it’s al fear of performance? Any tips...? He doesn’t know how to turn his brain off... if this has happened in the past for anyone ( it’s been 2 weeks now) that would be so helpful.. it’s becoming really demoralizing for him :/

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby George B. » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:08 am

Very strange. Since you said there might be a physical component, I wonder if there’s potentially a blood flow issue. Did using condoms in the past cause this too? When we used condoms, we had circulation issues until we found the right ones. It’s strange that only one position works for you guys, unless it’s psychological and physical mixed, with a negative feedback loop. Has he ever masturbated in front of you? Showed you what pleasures him, what he enjoys? Is he taking sex way too seriously and getting performance based? You may want to choose to take a break from PIV and just learn to chill out and pleasure one another without the pressure of intercourse for an agreed upon time. Have him show you what he enjoys. You show him what you enjoy. Experiment. Laugh. Play. For sure you should also rule out any physical issues, but you could try starting there.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

goldandglitter390
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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:17 am

We don’t use condoms... I have an iud- in the beginning of our marriage a year and a half
Ago... it took us a month to get it to work for various issues... mostly condom size and performance anxiety..

He is very very performance based... not just in this area but in many.. he has admitted to me many times not just in this area that if there is something he thinks he is going to fail at, his tendency is to shy away or run.. I’m the opposite I have no problem diving in, failing, and trying again..

Last night we talked a while after about how I don’t feel like it’s a big deal.. I’m cool with just playing around and discovering other areas... etc... and not having to have it end in PIV... and that I think sometimes he puts that on a pedestal of being “ultimate goal”... he was kind of surprised by the thinking that it can just be messing around and it’s still fine if that’s all that happens ( he rarely ever talks or researches this kind of stuff... I on the other hand love learning about the body so I’m always asking questions, trying to learn...)he is in the mood and wants to have sex..but he has admitted now he is just scared every time... which is what makes me think the other night he was like a rock because he wasn’t worrying about PIV and we were just messing around..

This literally came out of nowehere 2 weeks ago... we went from 2-3 times a
Week where it was very.. ready - to ed and pe :/.... out of nowhere ...

Anyway- he just kept asking over and over last night how to turn off his brain and relax... which is a hard question to answer lol

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:19 am

Also-/ the pe thing has been a component every time since...he will get halfway here and then ejaculate... can this be part of it
Too?

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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby George B. » Sun Nov 26, 2017 10:29 am

I knew you don’t use condoms now. I just meant that the fact you had troubles with them before might point to some kind of circulatory problem. However, given your description, it does sound mostly psychological and fear of performance based.

If a man isn’t sure in his head that he is a good lover, admired by his wife, and confident about his ability to perform, he can get really anxious and fearful. This is a libido killer. A negative feedback loop which can only get worse as performance suffers. I didn’t know about the PE. That complicates things. Also probably related to performance-rushing to get to the climax before he loses his erection. He’s learned PE as a coping mechanism, sounds like. It may also be a holdover from his solo masturbation habits and learned sexual response.

That’s why I was saying take a break. Take intercourse off the table for a while. Make sure he knows it’s really okay. Just make out. Play with one another. Pleasure yourselves in front of each other and pleasure one another in the ways you enjoy. Explore and experiment. Talk about what you like about each other. Admire each other’s bodies. If you’re comfortable with this, really spend some time talking to him about his penis, what you like about it, etc. Play with it with no strings attached. Just do that for a while. Consider it a reset. If intercourse happens when you’re making out, let it happen, but don’t push it. And if it doesn’t happen, no biggie. Keep everything light and teasing and fun. See if you can open up the childlike and playful side of him in bed, where he can just relax and enjoy it and not worry about performance. How can he turn off his brain in this area? By learning new habits of play and fun when it comes to sex. That may take a while, but it’s worth it.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

goldandglitter390
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Re: It just stopped ...?

Postby goldandglitter390 » Tue Nov 28, 2017 9:55 am

So.. I know I keep coming back here..

I’m sorry guys- it’s just really starting to hit/ affect me..

It’s been 3 weeks now with nothing ( it was 2-3 times a week before)

I just don’t really feel like I have anyone close to talk to in my life who would understand..and I couldn’t share with my husband, it would hurt him so bad.. he is such a kind and thoughtful person..and just wants to care for me as much as he can.
I’m just going to be completely honest and vulnerable here...
For lack of better words, I’m just feeling really lonely... unattractive, neglected... I know it’s not by him personally... I know he can’t help anything that is happening... but it also is really hard being the woman on the other end.. I’ve done a lot of digging/ thinking through things, and it’s not just on a pleasure/ sexual level.... it’s just overall .. not being able to connect in such an intimate way makes me feel like we are being torn apart..we were together for 8 years before getting married and finally being able to connect in such a way...( met 1st year of college) I know God doesn’t want it to be this way... but I can’t help but be a little angry... really... we waited this long and now this..? I’m praying.. where are You?

Day by day my husband is becoming more apprehensive and I feel like he is just giving up and doesn’t even want to go there.. I understand why- it’s not like he deliberately wants me to feel neglected.. it’s cause he is afraid of messing up... unfortunately the collateral damage of that is on me... I’ve been falling asleep at night sometimes crying... waking up almost the same and then hiding it until he goes to work... it’s just... a really hard place to be..

I’ve taken and totally listened to your guys advice/ opinions on how to try to help with him... but right now I could just really use some emotional support...

I just feel so.. alone..


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