Igniting Female Desire

What science can tell us about sex.
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Mark 9:24
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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby Mark 9:24 » Wed Mar 10, 2010 5:37 pm

jokerman wrote:Schnarch is one of the few authors who says yes, the "loves to have sex but never initiates" mindset is indeed less than optimal. The spouse who waits for things to happen is not fully in tune with his or her desire. It is "safer" to go along with the HD spouse's initiation than to stick one's neck out and be vulnerable and transparent.


I had a discussion about this with a buddy of mine. DW is one who "loves to have sex but never initiates".
She is responsive in the extreme. As in multi-orgasmic. She seems to have a limitless capacity is this regard.

What was pointed out to me that this may actually be a blessing from God.
Imagine if my wife was a woman who loved initiating, and had a sex drive in proportion to her capacity to Orgasm.
What would happen if I had to go on a trip away from her for a couple of weeks? What if I couldn't keep up with her sexually?
How much of that could she take before her eye started to wander? Perhaps her not being an initiator is God's way of protecting our marriage?
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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby jokerman » Wed Mar 10, 2010 5:50 pm

I'm HD and I've never had an affair. An affair seems like a lot of work -- silk shirts, expensive cocktails, chest hair, bragging about yourself, mustache, going to horrible nightclubs. I think you have to be on the prowl to some extent, and get involved in some really inappropriate conversations before you find yourself in bed with a stranger. There are plenty of HD people who may be a bit frustrated, but they still believe in faithfulness, too, and so they live faithfully even if things are buzzing below the belt sometimes.

DW and I discussed this the other day. She says, "I know you want me to be like you, but I'm not." And I said I didn't want her to be like me, I wanted her to be in touch with a part of herself that makes short appearances and then disappears. I mean, she was the initiator when we were getting pregnant -- off the charts. I know its there somewhere.

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby littledinobug » Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:36 pm

Mark 9:24 wrote:What would happen if I had to go on a trip away from her for a couple of weeks? What if I couldn't keep up with her sexually?
How much of that could she take before her eye started to wander? Perhaps her not being an initiator is God's way of protecting our marriage?

Moe got me a Sybian.
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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby Job29Man » Wed Mar 10, 2010 8:32 pm

DaWookie,

You have a great relationship with your DD and Son in Law if you can talk about this stuff. Good on ya!

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby DaWoodkie » Thu Mar 11, 2010 10:23 am

Thanks. Yeah my daughter and I can talk about anything and that's kind of rubbed off on me and my son-in-law. Drives my wife a little nuts though; she gets embarrassed and flees the room. :lol:

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby Mark 9:24 » Sat Mar 13, 2010 3:03 pm

DW also believes in faithfulness as do I, but after talking to two different friends about it I still think it may be a blessing in disguise.
Mark 9:24
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby gulfcoastgal » Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:18 pm

jokerman wrote:I think the problem is deeper. To understand your turn-ons requires introspection and a comfort with yourself and with intimacy. If you are unwilling to let go, you shouldn't blame "society." Instead, look at your own fears and hurts and your own intimacy barriers. This is hard work. Perhaps women have a deeper or more complex psychology than men, and it is therefore harder to get to the root of the issues for many of them.


I've done a lot of this and feel comfortable in my sexuality. I still struggle with making the connection between mental and physical arousal. One problem is that it is not static. There is no magic formula. How can I articulate it to DH when I don't understand it myself? I strongly suspect hormones play a huge role in fluctuations, but have no idea how to accurately predict, enhance or control the cycle. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that my body can be in a state of arousal, yet my brain remains unaffected and vice versa. But, it does happen. We are currently in the trough of one such cycle and to say that DH is frustrated is an understatement. My body still Os (contracts), but the usual accompanying euphoric feeling has been noticeably absent. Anybody else have experience with this?
Don't blame it on the good times
Blame it on the boogie
~Jackson 5

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby GrowingDaily » Wed Mar 17, 2010 6:30 pm

I think Billy Currington says it best in this song:

Must be Doin Somethin Right....

A woman is a mystery
A man just can`t understand
Sometimes all it takes to please her
Is the touch of your hand
And other times you got to take it slow
And hold her all night long
Heaven knows there`s so many ways
A man can go wrong

Must be doing something right
I just heard ya sigh
And lean into my kiss
And close those deep blue need you eyes
Don`t know what I did
To earn a love like this
But baby I
Must be doing something right

Anywhere you wanna go
Baby show me the way
I`m open to suggestions
On whatever you say
Tonight`s about giving you what you want
Whatever it takes
Girl I hope I`m on the right road
Judging by the smile on your face

Must be doing something right
I just heard ya sigh
And lean into my kiss
And close those deep blue need you eyes
Don`t know what I did
To earn a love like this
But baby I
Must be doing something right

Don`t know what I did
To earn a love like this
But baby I
Must be doing something right
Must be doing something right
Must be doing something right

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby littledinobug » Wed Mar 17, 2010 8:39 pm

gulfcoastgal wrote:Anybody else have experience with this?

Me me me me mee!!

During the first two weeks after my period I'm like On all time..constantly jumping him with total physical arousal. It's PHYSICAL. After my ovulation though, I'm not as "AROUSED" all the time, but I still want to have sex, just for the closeness. It takes effort on my part to keep thinking about sex after ovulation, vs before, it's all that's going through my head. It's a concious choice for me to keep sex going ALL through the month, not just when I'm pre-ovulation/ovulation.

And that effort is well worth it. It's a concious choice to be generous for the WHOLE month, not just when my body says gogo go.
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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby Job29Man » Thu Mar 18, 2010 6:14 am

LDB,

Today's the day right?

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby gulfcoastgal » Thu Mar 18, 2010 8:06 am

Love the song GD. I agree on being generous ldb. That's my outlook as well. I wasn't clear, but our trough isn't frequency based. My body is yet again changing and we're varying touches and techniques to achieve and increase arousal. Sometimes, I need a lot of firm stimulation and other times I don't need any foreplay at all. My heart, mind and body remain open to DH and ML, and he's been great about switching things up to enhance arousal. Anyway, that's not what is frustrating DH. It's that my orgasms have increasingly become contractual based. I used to always feel an accompanying endorphin rush and now it's hit or miss. Somehow DH noticed something was different and it took a couple of similar orgasms for me to pinpoint the variance. Long story short, it's a puzzle that he's determined to solve. Me, I just go with the flow and am learning to enjoy a different type of orgasm. :D
Don't blame it on the good times

Blame it on the boogie

~Jackson 5

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby littledinobug » Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:58 am

Job29Man wrote:Today's the day right?

The day that he's flying? (checks her MSN) Yeah he's offline so he's flying. *prays for Greenwood* He won't be home till Next Weds/Thurs though
SAHM to two kids and wife to This guy here

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby Job29Man » Thu Mar 18, 2010 5:51 pm

Doh! I was all excited for you because I thought he was flying home today, but he was flying his "check-out" today! :oops:
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Igniting Female Desire

Postby youngatheart77 » Sat Aug 21, 2010 10:46 am

Unfortunately, it seems a lot of the "sex is bad" mantra comes from the pulpit. It always seems we get "preached at" about the evils of alcohol & drugs, it's "alcohol, drugs, and sex".

solomon777

women and being desired

Postby solomon777 » Fri Jan 21, 2011 4:07 pm

Did anybody read this: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magaz ... wanted=all

I am interested if women agree that "For women, “being desired is the orgasm"

One of the scientists was saying that they believe that female sex drive is all about being desired. Do you think that is true? Thanks!

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Re: women and being desired

Postby Seekryt » Fri Jan 21, 2011 4:11 pm

There's a long thread on this article here:

[Mod merged threads]
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Re: women and being desired

Postby landschooner » Sat Jan 22, 2011 2:48 am

I dont think she'd admit it, but in practice, I think that for my wife, BEING desired and feeling desirable were all that she ever really needed. BEING desired met her need. As long as she felt desired, there was no need for sex, and if she didn't need it, she couldn't really comprehend MY needing it. She always seemed to think that "saying" "I desire you" to me should be enough. For her, it was. For me...I wanted to actually HAVE SEX with her, not just hear the empty words that I'm desired.

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Re: women and being desired

Postby AkMike » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:07 am

landschooner wrote:She always seemed to think that "saying" "I desire you" to me should be enough.


But isn't that in itself a denial of the desire? I mean, if I truly desire, crave something, I pursue it till I get it, and rejoice in the ultimate acquisition of it. To me, desire is not desire without a consummation

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Re: women and being desired

Postby Exuberance » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:16 am

Uh, yeah. I can say all day long that I desire chocolate, but if I am given chocolate and do not eat it, clearly I didn't desire it.

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women and being desired

Postby mamame » Sat Jan 22, 2011 9:54 am

She isn't saying she desires sex. She is desiring his desire.

For myself, I can say thy when I have dreams about other men, or have to bounce my eyes/thoughts it's always about the desire part. Never the sex part. It's the being desired I crave. But I've heard men say the same thing so I don't know if there's anything gender related to it.


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