Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

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Job29Man
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Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby Job29Man » Mon Jul 11, 2016 5:48 am

I'm counseling a guy and I'm stumped.

Guy is mid 50s, newlywed, and his new bride complains that he apparently has vivid dreams of sex with someone else (I don't think it's a real person he knows), and he talks clearly about it in his sleep. It is obvious that he is enjoying it. Wife is really upset.

Any experience here on how to stop either the dreams or the talking?
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby txtwindad » Mon Jul 11, 2016 7:23 am

Maybe she should wake him up and have sex with him. That would be a very positive reaction on her part. Seriously, we have no control of our dreams. For her to get mad at him about them is pointless. I suspect anything done to try and stop the dreams will be a waste of time. They normally pass on their own.
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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby happilymarriedkate » Mon Jul 11, 2016 9:40 am

Is he on any meds? There are medications that produce vivid dreams. I am not suggesting that he should go off of the meds, but knowing the cause may help the wife understand the situation.
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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby George B. » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:14 am

I know that we usually say that we have no control over our dreams but I disagree with that just a bit. I think that our dreams at least in part reflect what we've had going on in our minds--not necessarily recently, but in there somewhere.

The solution: start reprogramming the dream channel. That's what worked for me. I used to have incredibly vivid dreams about having sex with other women, even close friends of my wife's that I knew in real life. I would sometimes tell my wife about them, just so we were transparent with one another (obviously, the dreams didn't make her happy, but she understood). However, I haven't had one of those dreams in years, and I think it's in part because I stopped looking at porn and I started keeping better control over my eyes and thoughts. My wife has also worked hard at providing good images and thoughts of her for my mental rolodex.

So, my counsel would be that although dreams do have an element of lack of control, I think you can control what goes into the "dream hopper," so to speak. And that can, in the long run, positively affect dreams.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby Job29Man » Mon Jul 11, 2016 10:47 am

happilymarriedkate wrote:Is he on any meds?
Nope, no meds.
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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby MayDayGirl » Mon Jul 11, 2016 11:16 am

Armchair psychologist here: He's probably having sex dreams because he is having more sex now as a newlywed than he has had in recent years. I find that there's usually a connection between dreams and what we are doing in real life.

I don't have advice on how to control it, but I wonder what he is saying so clearly that his wife comprehends he's having sex in his dream with someone else? I take it he's using another woman's name? I feel like he shouldn't try to recall the dreams and relay them to his wife. In turn, if his wife is awakened, she should wake him up and turn it into an opportunity to rock his world more than the dream girl can do. A little lighthearted joking about it could turn it into a funny memory for them instead of a problem.

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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby MyWifesMan » Mon Jul 11, 2016 1:32 pm

Just because someone is having sex in a dream doesn't mean they'll be into sudden sex with their spouse if suddenly awakened. My experience has been that sex in dreams isn't particularly physically inspiring after awakening - the experience can seem far more mental than physically arousing. Maybe because, upon awakening, one is often weirded out and is mostly trying to understand why such a dream might have occurred.

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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby ledgemoor » Mon Jul 11, 2016 2:06 pm

I've never had a wet dream that involved anyone I know. She may not have been a stranger in my dream, but it was never a dream about an actual person. Never the same person again either. Have had only a handful in my life fortunately.

How does the bride know he isn't dreaming about her?

To prevent them -- more frequent sex or masturbation perhaps?

txtwindad wrote:Maybe she should wake him up and have sex with him.
We have a winner! Or have sex with him but not wake him :lol:.
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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby Learning1 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 3:27 pm

My DH, on two occasions, when napping, has mentioned his first wife's name, when it occurred it wasn't in a sexual context, It was two nightmares, she was lost in the woods & the second she was lost in a huge crowd, and he couldn't find her.

In our first year of marriage, he shared with me that he has had sexual dreams about his first wife. I wasn't thrilled about it and I am not sure why it did not really upset me or tick me off. Perhaps because he was openly sharing it and he wasn't happy about it, in fact he was disturbed about it. He said they occurred since he was widowed and he was hoping they would go away.

I will ask him if the sexual dreams have happened recently, as we have not discussed it in over a year.
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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby poetess » Mon Jul 11, 2016 5:53 pm

Learning 1, I see no reason to have it tick you off. He was legitimately married to her, and he did not choose those dreams. I never even met my husband's first wife, and I've dreamed about her at least twice. It happens.
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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby Mr Adam » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:07 pm

If it helps anybody to know....I tend to have sexual dreams on a weekly basis. Most of the time it is with someone I just met or do not know. It is my wife on occasion. I have a great waking sex life with my wife and we tell each other our dreams all the time. Neither of us are disturbed by it, it's just what my mind does when it comes to sex in my dreams. I think i would be disturbed by it if it was consistently someone else in particular besides my wife, as in a specific person. BTW- if it helps anyone, psychologists tell us that same sex dreams have nothing to do with our sexual orientation. They feel like your brain is telling you something about "yourself" when it's the same sex, as in the same person, as in....yourself. I found that interesting. So don't be weirded out if you or your spouse has one of those.

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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby Learning1 » Mon Jul 11, 2016 6:58 pm

poetess wrote:Learning 1, I see no reason to have it tick you off. He was legitimately married to her, and he did not choose those dreams. I never even met my husband's first wife, and I've dreamed about her at least twice. It happens.


It didn't tick me off, please re-read my reply.

It has ticked off the wife of the man being counseled by the OP.
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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby poetess » Tue Jul 12, 2016 5:20 am

Learning 1, yeah, I saw that you didn't say it ticked you off, but you did say you "weren't thrilled" by it and that you aren't sure why it didn't tick you off. As another wife of a widower, I was agreeing that there is indeed no reason for you to be ticked off--it's a whole different matter from marrying a man who is dreaming about someone with whom he committed adultery, for instance. Even that dream would be something the man didn't choose, but a dream about a wife, even a former wife, is fully understandable--as I said, even I have dreamed about my husband's first wife, even though I never met her and have only seen photos. If he had naked pictures of her and wanted to look at them again, that would weird me out, but a dream, no.

Really I would say (more in general, in terms of this conversation), we can't help our dreams, though we can sometimes influence them.If I ever had a sexual dream about someone other than my husband, as in a person I knew in real life, I don't think I'd be inclined to tell him about it, or to rehearse the details to myself. Dreams tend to "fade" if we don't rehearse the details of them in words, or at least that is my experience.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby neilethere » Tue Jul 12, 2016 5:37 am

Does he remember the dreams? Is he agreeing with what she is saying?

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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby Job29Man » Tue Jul 12, 2016 11:20 am

I don't know yet. We haven't had a meeting with both of them yet, just with the wife. So I haven't been able to ask him about it yet.
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Re: Talks about sex in his sleep. Wife ticked.

Postby SLS » Wed Jul 13, 2016 3:29 pm

Job29Man wrote:Any experience here on how to stop either the dreams or the talking?


Couple of questions:

Has he had sex before marriage? Did he get into porn?

If not how was his thought life? Did he think about having sex with women he knew?

I have had occasional vivid sexual dreams since puberty. Sometimes they were with girls I knew in real life and sometimes it wasn't a real person. I believe part of it was just natural and uncontrollable dreams that accompanied nocturnal emissions. Another part of it was I was thinking a lot of lustful thoughts and masturbated to them. For the two years of dating and being engaged to DW I still had those thoughts but they were only about her.

Now that I am married I still have occasional dreams but when they get sexual they only involve DW's body. Nowadays they usually end with me waking up on top of DW trying to get her clothes off. If only our BC allowed us to go all the way! :D

I think the "cure" here is for him to flood his brain with sexual thoughts of his wife. I would tell him and his DW to have sex as much as possible (and for him to think about it as much as possible). Also if it is okay with them both I'd suggest he masturbate to thoughts of his wife (although not to orgasm). The goal is to get his brain to only associate sex with his wife.


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