Is it obvious?

What science can tell us about sex.
yes_wife
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Is it obvious?

Postby yes_wife » Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:21 pm

I remember the day after our wedding day, after having sex for the first time, I felt like my status as a non-virgin was written on my forehead. I felt the whole world could tell. I laugh about that now but it lead me to think today... do you think it is possible to spot sex-positive people?

I'm not talking about if you can tell if someone just had sex (Messy hair, rosy glow and buttons askew would be a good bet) but rather if you think you can tell if someone is sex-positive based on their personality, character and interactions with their spouse.

Assuming you had no knowledge of the sex lives of 10 married couple friends, do you think you could spot the ones who have a healthy sex life?

I know the simplest answer would be: Who is happiest? But I think an image of "happy" can be feigned, so that might not always be an indicator. Or do you think it is impossible to tell at all?

To clarify: I'm not referring to unmarried people and whether a woman seems "easy" or whether a man seems to get around. We tend to base those perceptions on style of dress and mannerisms and that's a totally different sociological discussion. :|

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SeekingChange
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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby SeekingChange » Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:38 pm

To me, I don't think it's as easy as we think. I know too many couples where they are fun, loving, affectionate, sings the others' praises and you think they are the "perfect couple", and then, I find out what things are really like behind closed doors.

The one very obvious sex-positive couple I have had in my life, and she had a HUGE impact on me, she talked about sex and her love for it and her husband. Out of the overflow of the heart, a mouth speaks (Lk 6:45), I believe that's my main way of judging now. It's also why I don't shy away from speaking about it.
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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby beekeeper » Sat Nov 11, 2017 7:54 pm

There are adults who 'get' adult jokes, and there are people who carry the mind of a child. An adult joke or metaphor would need to be explained to them. That is how I perceived it for many years.

A great deal of our vocabulary to some extent relies on metaphor that implies an understanding of sexual desire. Sexually active people get it, virgins do not.

After 35 years of marriage, she still does not 'get' those metaphors. If it is obvious she may understand, "Oh that is one of those rude sex things". Even in church if the ladies bring up some sexual topic, my wife will not engage in the conversation she will leave the room.

I suppose that people who hold a positive sex attitude are among those who 'get' the metaphors.

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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby Leah » Sat Nov 11, 2017 8:35 pm

I worked as a tour guide for 11 years. I can tell. It doesn't matter if they have been married 60 days, or 60 years. There is a spark when they look at each other.
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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby poetess » Sat Nov 11, 2017 8:59 pm

Beekeeper, virgins aren't necessarily naive. My husband had been married before (he was widowed), and I had not; I was already into my 40s when we married. When we were courting I told him I was fully innocent, and a couple of times he said things as though talking to someone who knew nothing about sex. I finally told him I'm completely innocent sexually, but I'm not naive. I might or might not "get" a sex joke, even today, but before marriage I might well have gotten one. I was a mature adult, not a child, decades before I had sex.

I doubt there is any way to tell who is sexually fulfilled and who is not, especially by what you see in public. Sexually happy couples might make eye contact more readily, touch more readily, smile more readily . . . but any of those differences might be personality differences or how much sleep you got (or didn't get) last night. I'd be willing to bet money that people who see my husband and me together know we have a happy marriage, because my husband makes people laugh and I think it's clear I enjoy being with him--but that has very little to do with sex. In fact . . . when we were courting, hadn't even kissed passionately yet (that waited till our wedding day), we were in a store and laughing and clearly enjoying each other's company. A man we didn't know walked by and said innocently, "Having too much fun?" My then-future husband called out to his retreating back, "Not yet!" (I probably blushed.) Had anyone asked that man if we were a sexually happy couple, he would have either said he couldn't possibly know such a thing or he would have said a strong yes. At the other end of marriage, a couple who can no longer have sex because of physical or other issues might still show obvious delight in each other.
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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby George B. » Sun Nov 12, 2017 6:10 am

I agree with others here--it's hard to tell. Over the years, I've gotten to know a lot of couples and I've gleaned a bit about their intimate lives from some of them. I would say you do eventually figure out those who are having the best sex. Generally, it's hints dropped here and there. The way they prioritize one another, the way they flirt with one another, touch each other in public, etc. Talking about sex and getting sexual jokes doesn't necessarily mean they're having good sex--listen to how they talk about it. Some men I know talk about sex but they do so from a place of emptiness and desperation, not because their married sex life is all that great. I do agree that willingness to joke around about sex can be an indicator, but some couples are very private and still have a great sex life.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby poetess » Sun Nov 12, 2017 7:35 am

There's also a factor of "good sex life" being a vague category. You might have one couple who only has sex every two weeks, but that is enough for both of them and they clearly love each other. Another might have sex every other day, but that isn't "enough" for one of them and so they are a bit more distant than the happily sexual every-other-week couple. Add that to the factor that some couples are fairly reserved in their public touching but all over each other at home, and occasionally on this board we hear of couples that don't touch at home but are quite touchy-feely in public. And occasionally one hears of a couple divorcing and everyone, even their grown children, being shocked because they seemed so close.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby OldBear » Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:29 pm

Well put, Poetess, and a ‘good sex life’ can evolve over the years.

IMHO, a twinkle in the eye between a DH and A DW is a telltale sign of a good sex life. :wink:

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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby Job29Man » Sun Nov 12, 2017 1:04 pm

I guess I'd define "good sex life" as "they both think their sex life is good... whatever that includes for them."

I think people have generally been able to figure out that Sarah and I have a "good sex life."
I know one of our adult children once commented "It's so great to have parents who have a great sex life."

I kinda wondered how she knew at first. Then I thought "hmmm... how could she not know?"
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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby MrsG » Sun Nov 12, 2017 2:48 pm

A few things come to mind:
- Do they joke or tease each other about sex or each other’s attractiveness and it’s well-received by both of them? I see this most often in playing games, like word- or guessing- games with a group of married people. I have childhood memories of my older married relatives making references they thought were over my head and it registered as “those two really love each other and have a lot of fun, even though they’ve been married for years!”
- How do/did they talk to their kids about sex? Are they dreading or avoiding those conversations?
- How physically affectionate are they in subtle, unprompted ways?
- Do they seem to prioritize their marriage, especially time alone, romance, special gifts or activities for each other, over their job/ministry/kids? Do they talk about each other in honoring ways?
- How do they feel about their physical appearance with regards to being attractive to their spouse? This doesn’t seem remotely connected to how attractive they are to anyone else; I’ve known couples who are very overweight and far from stylish that were completely confident in each other’s eyes and arms, and likewise people who look amazing but seem endlessly insecure. But if I hear a woman say she wore a dress because her husband’s likes it, I assume positive things!

I think it’s a lot easier to see sex positivity in couples who are extroverted and open, but I don’t assume negative things if a couple is more private; I just think with them you never know unless they tell you!

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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby One-woman man » Sun Nov 12, 2017 3:10 pm

I concur that it typically isn't obvious.

But I agree with SC that is more apparent with couples that speak about marital sex freely.
Linked to that would be the reaction one gets from people when the topic of sex comes up in a conversation - sex-negativity is pretty obvious.
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poetess
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Re: Is it obvious?

Postby poetess » Sun Nov 12, 2017 5:02 pm

You know, I would guess that even "sex negativity" might simply be embarrassment or a sense that sex is private and not a topic for public conversation, or not in mixed company. My husband and I regularly make sexual innuendoes in private, for instance, but extremely rarely in front of other people, and then usually in a way that the spouse will catch but the other people present will not.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!


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