DW wants me to have a vasectomy

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VikingJ
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DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby VikingJ » Thu Oct 18, 2012 12:30 pm

We have been talking for a couple of years about me getting a vasectomy after we are done having children, we waited because we couldn't really decide if we were having a third child or not. Making a long story short we got a surprise pregnancy and the baby is due any day now.
Today at what was probably our last visit to the per natal midwife the midwife asked about contraceptives after the delivery and my wife decided to push the subject of vasectomy.
If our marriage and MB was working I think it would be the best alternative, bi as things are pretty bad at the moment I am quite hesitant.
Tonight I told her that and her only response was OK.
I feel pretty conflicted about this as I feel that if I was 100% committed to our marriage I should get the procedure done.
At the same time I feel that our marriage is at a breaking point, if things doesn't change I don't think I can stay.
What's your take on this?


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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby thisbejoe7 » Thu Oct 18, 2012 12:47 pm

If you are uncertain about the marriage and your future situation, I would advise against the Vas. It is considered a permanent procedure, but it is reversible (although at a high cost). It would be unfortunate down the road to end up in a different marriage and wanting children only to then have to deal with a vas reversal.

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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby JDFbride » Thu Oct 18, 2012 12:52 pm

If you had the perfect marriage, would you want more than 3 children? If the answer is even maybe, I would hesitate to get it done. If you are content with the 3 children you have, and couldn't picture having more, than get the vas done.....take your wife's feelings out (present and possibly future) to make the decision.....

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DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby VikingJ » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:05 pm

thisbejoe7 wrote:If you are uncertain about the marriage and your future situation, I would advise against the Vas. It is considered a permanent procedure, but it is reversible (although at a high cost). It would be unfortunate down the road to end up in a different marriage and wanting children only to then have to deal with a vas reversal.

I know that but at the same time I feel that if I don't commit 100% to my marriage I am setting it up for failure.


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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby thisbejoe7 » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:10 pm

VikingJ wrote:I know that but at the same time I feel that if I don't commit 100% to my marriage I am setting it up for failure.


That really isn't the issue, the decision to get a vas is not an indication of your commitment to the marriage. Just because your DW says she wants you do to it, does not mean that by declining you are not committed to the marriage. You don't have to tell her you have fears about the future of the relationship if you decline, but seriously, this decision to self-sterilize is not one to be taken lightly. Nor is it something that should be done if you are uncertain if you are done having children. I had to think through all of these issues before I got mine, and even then - its a possibility that something could happen to DW (an accident for example) that would leave me in a situation to re-marry. In that situation there is no foresight or planning you can do, at that point, you just go with it. Adoption is a good alternative.

Bottom line, you decide this for yourself, do not be one-sidedly pushed into this.

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DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby VikingJ » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:11 pm

JDFbride wrote:If you had the perfect marriage, would you want more than 3 children? If the answer is even maybe, I would hesitate to get it done. If you are content with the 3 children you have, and couldn't picture having more, than get the vas done.....take your wife's feelings out (present and possibly future) to make the decision.....

After this pregnancy I would not have any more children with my wife, because of her reactions to this pregnancy and because of the risks associated with her age.
If we would not make it as a couple I would nit remarry, I would not risk that much pain again, but that's my thoughts now.


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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby thisbejoe7 » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:17 pm

VikingJ wrote:After this pregnancy I would not have any more children with my wife, because of her reactions to this pregnancy and because of the risks associated with her age.
If we would not make it as a couple I would nit remarry, I would not risk that much pain again, but that's my thoughts now.
k


Our thoughts have a way of changing over time. In your situation, IMHO a vas would not be a wise choice. However, if you are not planning to re-marry and are satisfied with the children you do have, then go for it. I got mine at age 27, I could still have more kids, but if I want that later on, I plan to adopt. Lots of needy kids out there who need a mom and a dad.

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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby KyWildcat » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:17 pm

Simple question, do you want to have more than three children, regardless of who their mother is? If the answer to that question is anything but 'no' then don't have the procedure.

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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby Leah » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:20 pm

I do not think you are required to undergo a surgical procedure in order for your marriage to be a success.
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DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby VikingJ » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:24 pm

thisbejoe7 wrote:
VikingJ wrote:I know that but at the same time I feel that if I don't commit 100% to my marriage I am setting it up for failure.


That really isn't the issue, the decision to get a vas is not an indication of your commitment to the marriage. Just because your DW says she wants you do to it, does not mean that by declining you are not committed to the marriage. You don't have to tell her you have fears about the future of the relationship if you decline, but seriously, this decision to self-sterilize is not one to be taken lightly. Nor is it something that should be done if you are uncertain if you are done having children. I had to think through all of these issues before I got mine, and even then - its a possibility that something could happen to DW (an accident for example) that would leave me in a situation to re-marry. In that situation there is no foresight or planning you can do, at that point, you just go with it. Adoption is a good alternative.

Bottom line, you decide this for yourself, do not be one-sidedly pushed into this.

If I don't get a vas my wife will almost certainly use that as a reason for not having sex and the lac of intimacy and sex has been my biggest issue in our marriage for the last 5-6 years and that will make things even worse.
Adoption in my case would probably never be an option, just the paperwork to get considered for an adoption is between 20000 and 30000 USD and takes years by that time I would probably be considered to old. :(



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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby thisbejoe7 » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:36 pm

VikingJ wrote:If I don't get a vas my wife will almost certainly use that as a reason for not having sex and the lac of intimacy and sex has been my biggest issue in our marriage for the last 5-6 years and that will make things even worse.
Adoption in my case would probably never be an option, just the paperwork to get considered for an adoption is between 20000 and 30000 USD and takes years by that time I would probably be considered to old. :(


Somehow I suspect that even if you got the vas that she would come up with any number of other reasons to not have sex. If you have sexual issues, a vasectomy is not going to fix them. There are other methods of BC, take charge of that and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

As far as the adoption option, there are ways to minimize cost, but age is another issue entirely... :D

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DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby VikingJ » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:47 pm

thisbejoe7 wrote:
VikingJ wrote:If I don't get a vas my wife will almost certainly use that as a reason for not having sex and the lac of intimacy and sex has been my biggest issue in our marriage for the last 5-6 years and that will make things even worse.
Adoption in my case would probably never be an option, just the paperwork to get considered for an adoption is between 20000 and 30000 USD and takes years by that time I would probably be considered to old. :(


Somehow I suspect that even if you got the vas that she would come up with any number of other reasons to not have sex. If you have sexual issues, a vasectomy is not going to fix them. There are other methods of BC, take charge of that and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

As far as the adoption option, there are ways to minimize cost, but age is another issue entirely... :D

She has declared very clearly that since she took responsibility for contraceptives during the first years of our marriage now since six years back its my turn, condoms failed us once so in her book that's not an option and I don't know of any other reliable male options.
In terms of adoption, moving to a different country is probably the only way around the costs, also being a "religious" person is something that raises suspicions here from social authorities who has to approve.


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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby Leah » Thu Oct 18, 2012 1:53 pm

I do not think you are obligated to have a surgical procedure--especially if your wife is not willing to work on her part of the relationship.
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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby blushingwife » Thu Oct 18, 2012 3:00 pm

Leah in Mid-South wrote:I do not think you are obligated to have a surgical procedure--especially if your wife is not willing to work on her part of the relationship.


This is where I am right now.
I begged and pleaded for my husband to get a vasectomy because I never want to be pregnant again. I did not think it was fair for me to go under the knife for a tubal, after having suffered so much with all the pregnancies and birth control methods.
Well, he refused VERY strongly for reasons I won't go into.
Then it dawned on me: why keep insisting he become sterile if I am the only one who does not want more kids? Most importantly though, I now realize that if things continue like they are now, I don't see myself married to him past 2017 (when I turn 40). How awful of me to insist he do something he does not want, knowing that there is a possibility, no mater how small, that we might not stay together!

Your wife should realize the same...

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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby ledgemoor » Fri Oct 19, 2012 2:56 pm

She has declared very clearly that since she took responsibility for contraceptives during the first years of our marriage now since six years back its my turn, condoms failed us once so in her book that's not an option and I don't know of any other reliable male options.

Well, marriage, sex, and the contraception that goes with it is a SHARED responsibility, regardless of the methodology used. If she really wanted literal shared responsibility, she could use a diaphragm or something in combination with a condom.

I had a vasectomy years ago and have never regretted it. But if I were in your shoes, no way would I have one, even if you never planned to have children even if remarried. Capitulating on this serious matter would send her the wrong message -- that you are desparate to stay married to her and will do anything to stay married to her. Now, maybe you ARE desparate and WOULD do anything -- I know I probably would feel that way. But you can't maintain a marriage by yourself. She has to put effort into it too. If she isn't going to do that, the sooner you find out the better.
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DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby VikingJ » Thu May 30, 2013 1:06 am

I've had a another round if thoughts about this subject that I wanted to bounce of with you.
On Sunday after church we joined a few other families and spent the afternoon together (almost all of them Latinos, most from the same family that kind of have "adopted" my wife into it, the man in the couple that is counseling us is part of that family but they weren't there).
One of the wife's told that she's pregnant with their second child and the talk went to how many children they want and from there to contraceptive methods.
My wife immediately started to push for me to get a vas. I responded that i won't do anything permanent until we are on a good way of resolving our issues. One of the wife's (her husband has done it) chimed in "why don't you, you don't want any more children?". I didn't respond to that question and thankfully her brother stepped in and told her the he wouldn't do it anyhow.
I have thought a lot about my reasons for not getting a vas now and it boils down to one of the questions that I know has to be responded to in order to get a vas here and it is "If something happened to your wife or if you split up would you like to have more kids?", I can honestly not say no to that question. Something happening to my wife is a risk that is small enough to take but splitting up is more of a risk if things don't change.
I haven't told my wife about my reasoning except that I don't want to do anything permanent as things are now.
The question I am considering is if I should tell her the bottom of my reason to refuse now?
She also got upset because I said that we have problems in front of the others, I think all of the already knew and if they didn't I think they should.

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Re: DW wants me to have a vasectomy

Postby Leah » Thu May 30, 2013 5:42 am

She's the one who brought it up. If she didn't want to talk about it, she should have kept quiet.

I would flatly say no. No surgery until this relationship is restored. Granted she sound like a ridiculous woman to live with, and it might be nice to have peace, but if it's not this, it will be something else. Tell her if she doesn't want more children, she can be the one to be permanently sterilized.
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