birth control issues

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lee'swife
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birth control issues

Postby lee'swife » Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:25 am

This could go in a number of areas but I thought this fit the whole enchilada best. We are having issues deciding on birth control.

A bit of back story. We have 4 children with #4 being a surprise and 2 months old. We were using the pull out method but had missed staying in so I charted and when I thought it was safe we would stay in occasionally. On one of those occasions ds #4 was conceived. I have chronic depression and have been off meds since finding out that I was pregnant. I also have chronic migraines that could have possibly resulted in a very minor stroke deep inside my brain. My day to day is no longer affected from the stroke. So suffice it to say I have health issues. To top it off our family life is busy. One of my children has chronic health problems and is an amputee. He requires a lot, and I mean a lot of attention. Another one of my children has learning issues and motor skill issues. The oldest has some emotional/mental issues (poor kid is too much like his mama). I guess you could say we've all got issues :lol:

As it stands it is recommended to me by doctors to not have more children. My ob said "if you really want another we will make it happen and help you through it, but it's not my recommendation" on another visit he said we are "playing russian roulette" His recommendation since HBC makes me crazy is sterilization.

I do not want more children. My life is full. That is not to say that I would not love another if he/she (oh lets be honest we know it will be a boy! lol) comes along. I do also know that even though my love is limitless my energy and time are not. All my other children will suffer. It's honestly happening now, no one is getting the time and attention they need. I do not think that I can handle another well. Also I want to be healthy mentally. I want to live each day without a huge struggle. I want to be on meds and not have the roller coaster of on again, off again. So in short I'm for the sterilization.

Dh does not necessarily want more children but he doesn't want to say no forever to the possibility. He is also 100% against him being sterilized. He calls it mutilating himself. He says he hears that it really hurts. I told him so does childbirth! He also doesn't want me sterilized. Those reasons are fuzzier. I've heard "I'm worried it will mess with your hormones more and make things worse" and "I hate surgeries" he does hate them, he is afraid of them, and "what if someday we DO want another baby?" to the last I say "we will adopt!"

So here we sit. I have a dr pushing for something, a dh resisting and me in the middle. This could fall under a headship/submission issue, a sex issue (twice in anger dh has threatened abstinence), a health issue, and of course a birth control issue. To me it's just a mess. I can just keep doing what we are doing and play the roulette or I can force change. Is there a third option?
When did we start thinking that God only wanted us to go to safe places and do easy things?

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Re: birth control issues

Postby jokerman » Thu Mar 28, 2013 8:41 am

Take him up on his offer of abstinence, if BC is out of the question. You don't want more children, and your doc agrees from a health standpoint. So avoiding pregnancy right now is of paramount importance.

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Re: birth control issues

Postby George B. » Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:29 am

I'd like to have a word or two with your husband.

If there's a health issue involved, I think that you two need to pray through it firsthand, but he really needs to be considering your needs here. I know it was at least somewhat in jest, but abstinence isn't a longterm option for a Christian marriage. So your options are limited.

If you have prayed together about it, I would ask your husband again to consider vasectomy. If his objections are along the lines of pain and so forth, then I have to be honest--I think he's being selfish.

I had a vasectomy done, and while there was some pain involved, I was glad to do it for my wife's sake and also for the health of our marriage long term. If you want, have your husband PM me and I'd be happy to talk to him about this very important topic.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: birth control issues

Postby Ballad » Thu Mar 28, 2013 10:37 am

It's your health and your children's at stake. I think your husband ought to reflect on that.

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Re: birth control issues

Postby mamame » Thu Mar 28, 2013 4:12 pm

You can't make your husband do anything but you can choose not to have unprotected sex and you can choose not to use hormonal birth control.

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Re: birth control issues

Postby HisLadybug » Thu Mar 28, 2013 5:02 pm

What do you think this is about on his part? Control? An honest desire to not close the door on more kids? Fear?
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lee'swife
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Re: birth control issues

Postby lee'swife » Thu Mar 28, 2013 6:57 pm

I think it's part fear and part not wanting to completely close the door on more kids, mostly fear. That's only my opinion though.

mamame so do you think I should force him to use a condom or just abstain?

I don't want to abstain. I like sex. Also when dh is abstaining he withholds affection so that he doesn't get horny.

George I appreciate the offer to talk to dh. Sadly I highly doubt he will take you up on it.

In his mind he is thinking of me and the kids by being completely ok with preventing pregnancy like we've done in the past. Also by understanding why I can no longer do HBC.
When did we start thinking that God only wanted us to go to safe places and do easy things?

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Re: birth control issues

Postby George B. » Thu Mar 28, 2013 9:25 pm

I think you guys need to take some time as a couple to pray through this issue and wait on God. Separately, you can be praying for your husband, that he would hear God's voice and get the wisdom to make the right decision (I'm not saying what that is, because I don't know what that is for you and your DH).

Abstaining would let him know you're serious, but I think it could damage your marriage relationship if it keeps up for the long term.

You could try forcing him to use a condom, but as a man, I don't know how I would feel about that. Using condoms is enough of pain that it's really best to be convinced that they're the best option, like I was. I may have missed this somewhere, but have you tried to chart your cycle and do NFP or FAM?
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: birth control issues

Postby The Twit » Fri Mar 29, 2013 2:27 am

From my experience abstinence leads to too many other issues and it has taken us time to recover. Pray together and individually on what God wants each of you to do.

We made the decision before marriage that neither of us would be permanently sterilized unless we had cancer or other serious ailment of that part of our body that the only resolution is removal. Thus we had to find another method of BC. As the man and head of the house, it was expected of me to take the lead in the protection. I learned to use condoms from day one in our marriage (we did experiment with condoms before marriage with MS). We have no problems with condoms as our primary BC and found it fun finding the right condom (they changethe condoms every now and ten and ths we have to experiment to findthe right one again). The biggest complaint is getting the right size. Make it fun and measure your man, then get onto many of the condom supply sites and find the condoms that will fit your husband. Trust me finding the right size and something that will allow both of you to feel the heat and each other will make the use more enjoyable. Even getting the condom on can become a fun part of foreplay.


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