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Do you keep secrets?

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Irnmyk
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Re: Do you keep secrets?

Post by Irnmyk »

So, right off I can think of two specific cases of fornication in the one case, and infidelity in the other by two people - both a VERY long time ago - who are up close and personal to the both of us.

I have never shared with her what I know about their situations because I believe it would only be hurtful to her and detrimental to our (very long term) relationship with them.

I consider it a "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" situation.

Now, I ask.... is that keeping a secret? If so, then count me as a yes.

Those are just the two that pop into my mind. There may be more in this category.
Brynna
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Re: Do you keep secrets?

Post by Brynna »

To me, a secret is more like a temporary thing, like gifts and surprises. I can keep secrets. DH can too, except his face gives it away every time!

We share things with each other. If people share confidential things with me, I still usually share with DH. However, there are a few things that we keep to ourselves. DH likes to keep an eye on the news and troubling things. I don't. So he has learned to keep that to himself. I have a few things that I keep to myself, too, just because it wouldn't serve a purpose. We do talk about whatever comes to us. I mean, I do. For instance, I sometimes ask him a question or bring up a discussion from here. But, I choose carefully, lol. Otherwise he asks why do people ask such questions or say such things?! Nor do I want him telling me everything that comes on his family chat.

We keep most of our passwords in the same book. DH has access to my phone and I do to his. However, we don't check up on each other.
LBD
Fell out of ...
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Location: Heart of Dixie

Re: Do you keep secrets?

Post by LBD »

On the surface, I'd say no, we do not keep secrets, but it depends somewhat on the definition of "secrets." Neither of us feel the overwhelming urge to tell the other everything that goes on in our lives, but at the same time we usually don't intentionally keep things from each other if we feel it is important. I used to keep a lot of secrets revolving around past porn use. That would be the only thing I would classify as a secret really. I can't say for the wife, but I don't think she has ever done anything that she felt the need to keep from me. But if she has, it hasn't to my knowledge caused any problems so I'm not worried about it. I do believe there is need for full disclosure in some situations, but not all. For example, I've had women come on to me over the years, some like a tornado. Never succumbed and don't feel the need to share all those details with her. What good could it possibly do? None. I am my own person, she is her own person. We must maintain some level of autonomy in order to share a better partnership IMO.
It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance. -Thomas Sowell
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Do you keep secrets?

Post by newwifenewlife »

Literally just finished hearing something on an early episode (#110?) of SMR about secrets. Personally, I would be in the "no secrets" camp because secrets limit or destroy intimacy in a relationship. On the other hand, complete transparency about everything may take some of the mystery out of ourselves and our spouses the hosts suggested in the podcast when we vomit everything.

While an utter introvert and Melancholic temperament, people can read my energy as an open book and I'm learning to share. The problem comes in when I "vomit" everything about my thoughts/feelings/opinions to my wife and it becomes hurtful as she is a people pleaser. (We're working to address these things.). :shock: :roll: Yes, I can be a bull in a china shop, especially after raising three boys and now having multiple women in the house who aren't used to an involved dad/male figure with an opinion or a reaction (because you just didn't cross the narcissist/anti-social guy or you "paid" for it emotionally) who is still there and loves them.

With all that said, does the "secret" change behavior? Share it. Get the potential self-destructive secret and behavior out into the light. Is sharing the "secret" more about one wanting one's spouse to make one feel safe or secure or making the "secret" keeper better about themselves without thinking of the impact of one's spouse? Maybe it needs to remain unshared especially if it creates instability. If accountability is needed, talk to friends, pastor, or a counselor.
Last edited by newwifenewlife on Mon Feb 22, 2021 5:02 am, edited 1 time in total.
Sygoonda
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Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Do you keep secrets?

Post by Sygoonda »

benny wrote: Fri Feb 19, 2021 4:26 am Yes I do, to keep from hurting her or making her mad or because somethings are not beneficial to making our marriage closer. There's somethings I just don't share and there's some thoughts or dreams that would be hurtful if she knew of them.

Yes, this pretty much sums it up for Me.
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