Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
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Job29Man
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Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Job29Man » Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:17 am

I was reviewing all the thread topics in this Engaged section and thought a recap of Wedding night advice to grooms might be timely. Let's start with this post and response from 2008. The context was a 36 year old man (Adam-OH) with jitters about what to expect, how to behave on the Wedding Night. He was thinking he might be under pressure to give his new bride a "fireworks/perfect" kind of sexual experience. Here's the exchange.


Adam-OH wrote:What can make it more enjoyable for the both of us? I want it to be perfect.

I am often amazed at how some mature couples have kept the fire alive for so many years. I can only hope it will be that way for us. I would like to hear from mature men who have been married for years. What makes things work for you? I am open to any advice or guidence you have to offer. I have had alot of mature male friends in the past , and have found them to be most wise in these matters. There are certain things only men can relate to. I don't have any older friends to talk to these days......I miss thier advice......If anything I know I'll make some really good friends here....Thanks for your time.

Adam




Job29man wrote: Dear Adam,

Welcome to TMB. You will undoubtedly find good friends here. I applaud you for seeking advice from older brothers. One thing that was kind of hard for me to get used to at first on TMB was talking to the women about sex. IRL (in real life) circles that is something I would NEVER do! :shock: It just is not proper! But here on TMB you will learn that some of a man's best counsel can come from the sisters. The culture here is that our discussions are not "sexual", rather they are "about sex" and there is a big difference.

It may feel awkward at first to talk so frankly about sex, especially when some of the conversation participants are women. But part of the genius of TMB is that it is anonymous. And there is a really sharp "Oversight Group" (OG) that is able to discern those who are here for ulterior motives, and the OG removes those threats quickly. All that to say, this is a safe environment to talk about sex and many more aspects of marriage.

I am a man, over 50 years old, married almost 30 years, 10 children, farmer/rancher/businessman. DW (dear wife) and I have a peaceful, very happy marriage, and an incredible sex life (variety, frequency, intensity, adventurousness)! It is no small feat to keep a marriage HOT ::alarm through the bearing of so many children! I credit that to an awesome God to whom we are completely dedicated, and to marrying the most generous, selfless, giving woman in the world! ::luv2

Also we spent so much time talking out a hundred potential issues BEFORE we married. You are so wise to seek counsel before marriage. The time you spend NOW discussing things will help immensely "when the moment finally arrives."

Adam, I think that a lot of us older men (and women) would say don't focus so much on the first night being "perfect". In fact, from a technical standpoint, your first night surely will NOT be perfect. But that is perfect! Imagine that sex is like playing the trumpet. On your wedding day God hands you a beautiful trumpet and says "I would not let you play it before, but you may play it now. In fact I WANT you to play this trumpet now." So you place the horn to your lips and you imagine that you are about to play a glorious concerto trumpet solo. Here it is, the BIG MOMENT, you blow for all you are worth and all that comes out is a loud "BBBLLLLAAAAATT". Not at all what you had imagined. Not a glorious melody, just a PPPPPPrrrrrrrrrrrrrbbbbb. At first you want to be embarassed, but then you look at God, Who is smiling, and He says "That was not bad son. In fact your lung capacity shows promise. Here hold your lips this way, tighten up your gut and try again." Next time you hear something like a solid "C" note, although it is over in a second instead of holding for 10 seconds like you wanted. On and on it goes... you get better, and better, etc.

What I'm saying is the first night is just about getting familiar with the horn, not playing symphonic music. You should not expect much. Just be there and caress the horn. Explore the parts, blow on it, hear the sounds, try again.

In practical terms, here is what I would expect on the first night. Bring lots of KY lubrication, take manly leadership in seducing her, but display manly self-discipline in making love to her. Go slowly, as slowly as she says. If you start in, and she says "ouch pull back" then that is what you will do. You may be so excited that you may ejaculate even before you can penetrate her. That is OK! It is not failure! She should be patient with you too. Guess what? You can try again when you feel "up" to it. You have all night. You have all week. You have all your lives!! :D

If the question is put to most of us asking "from a pleasure meter standpoint how was the sex on your wedding night?" we'd probably answer "it was not fireworks, it was OK". But if you ask us "how was the emotional intimacy on your wedding night?" many or most would answer "WOW :D ::alarm It was amazing! HOT! Fireworks! I will remember it till the day I die!"

So Adam, don't seek sexual excellence on the big night. Be happy just to have something that kind of looks like sexual intercourse. (Blow on the horn and be happy with ANY sound that comes out of it!). Let me share with you what an older brother in Christ advised me before my wedding. It was the best advice I ever got. He said...

"Be ecstatic if you can both achieve an orgasm in the same room on the same night, by any means whatsoever."

Do not expect to give your virgin wife an orgasm through PIV (penis in vagina intercourse) on your first night. Almost certainly you will NOT give her an orgasm through intercourse on that first night. (I'd put your chances at 1 in 500) And that is NORMAL, it is beautiful, it is OK! If you can give her an orgasm sometime in the first three days through OS (oral sex) or MS (manual stimulation) you may consider yourself a success, a really good lover! If you cannot give her an orgasm by those means in that time frame it does NOT mean you have failed. It just means you need more practice, and that is OK! It will come to you.

But in all these days let your wife be your guide. Let her control the pace, because it is HER body that needs to go through the most change, and probably some soreness, or outright pain.

Plan on spending about 3-4 times as much time caressing her vulva and clitoris as you spend inside her with your penis. Women need this clitoral stimulation and preparation time. She may have LOTS of personal moisture that makes this easy. She may have almost none! You must bring a couple of big bottles of KY lubrication with you. Bring a couple of different kinds (gel, natural, regular, warming...) and try them each out. But start with the basic kind.

There will likely be some blood. That is natural and good. Bring a towel (from home, don't use a hotel towel) to bed and place it under her bottom so you don't bloody the sheets. She will be embarrassed to leave blood on the sheets or the hotel towels for housekeeping staff to see. Be sensitive to that.

Her body may become "conditioned" to having you inside her in a matter of days. It may take weeks. It could take months. It's all good. Don't have an expectation of vigorous sex very soon. It may be, might not. It's all good.

Plan "other activities" to do on your honeymoon to take her out and give her a rest from sex. Go sailing, go swimming, hot tub, visit a National Park, dinner, museum, amusement park rides like Disney. Don't make the whole days about sex. But don't exhaust yourselves with "other activities", keep a slow pace. Take at least a week for honeymoon. Two weeks is better. Don't take ANY business calls on this trip. In fact you would do well to leave your cell phone at home, or take a disposable phone with you that no one knows the phone number. You don't want ANYONE calling you on your honeymoon. Your new bride WILL surely resent you taking calls. Don't do it!

Camping may sound like a romantic honeymoon. With few exceptions it is a very, very BAD idea! A virgin bride needs a room with a locking door, a private bath, indoor plumbing, even a separate room to change in (for some brides).

HYGEINE IS BIG: Keep your fingernails trimmed. Wash your hands after using the bathroom. Never touch her anus first and then her vagina with the same fingers! Insist that she go pee after every time of intercourse or you will wind up with a crying bride, who is 500 miles from her doctor, and is in great pain with a UTI (urinary tract infection), sometimes called "Honeymooners Disease" because newlyweds forget, or dont' know enough, to pee after sex. It washes away germs introduced through intercourse. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash, shave your face twice a day (trust me on this). Take lots of hot soaking baths together. BRING BUBBLEBATH! She will be SORE after sex and will appreciate a good hot soak in the tub with you.

Drink very, very little alcohol, or NONE. Just have enough for an intimate dinner. If you view the honeymoon as a very physical thing you will want to be in peak form. Alcohol will diminish your abilities. Let her love intoxicate you!

Stay with "missionary position" the first few times until she is without pain. If she suggests a different position at any time the answer is "Yes my love."

By all means bring your Bibles and study the Word together. Bring another few books about marriage and sex to read together.

Leave the "advanced sex" manuals, toys, costumes, etc at home. If she makes a big deal out of lingerie, even if it's not your thing, learn to love it! She does it because she loves you! The honeymoon is about Sex 101. It is not Grad School, that comes later.

Don't put pressure on her for OS (oral sex) or any other "advanced technique". You have the next 50 years to discover these things together.

But if she seems open to you giving her OS, by all means do so. I think I might wait a day or two for this, but you figure it out as you go.

Ladies please forgive me, but this is "guy talk" here. Adam have you ever purchased a new car or truck with a diesel engine? You need to let it warm up a long time, then you drive it slowly, not accelerating quickly. Then when you are done with your first 20 trips you don't just shut off the motor, you sit in the parking lot and let it Purrrrr for about 5 full minutes, "cooling down". Then you shut it off and get under the hood, and check the fluid levels. You wash the car, keep the tires inflated, change the filters, etc. And when you are driving what are you looking at the whole time? The gauges that's what!! Always be aware of the engine temperature, the RPMs (don't red line it the first month!), the oil pressure, the alternator. And LISTEN, listen, listen to the sounds of the engine! Detect any vibrations, tick, clicks, and get on them EARLY. Don't let bad sounds persist. Figure them out immediately!

Remember that although you are her Head and she is to submit to you, there is an interesting twist in the bedroom. The Bible says that she actually has authority over your body. So if she asks you to shave a beard, this you must do. If she asks you to not drink alcohol, if she asks you to lose weight, to eat healthy food, to take a shower, etc this then is what you must do. Read 1 Cor 7 for more info.

There's so much to tell. This is a start. What kinds of specific questions do you have now?





Adam-OH wrote:Job29Man.......Thanks so much for the wonderful response. It's great to be able to find an older brother like you, who enjoys a wonderful spiritual and sexual relationship with his wife. Yes. I understand it can be difficult "opening up" the first time and discussing these topics with both men and women in this forum. But, if someone like you can open up to it.....I think I can too. It sounds like god has bestowed upon you and your wife a gift of many children, and a lasting relationship with your wife that that I want with my own.

I know I am going to heed your advice about taking things slow with here at first. For me it has been quite some time. I have had alot of experience (not always the greatest experiences) in my past , before I came to god. For me it will be a clean start. Sometimes I think I'm going to explode waiting for the honeymoon. I want to know that when she allows me to enter her that I won't be too aggresive. Allow her to enjoy me as I want to enjoy her. I'm sure an older brother like you knows where I am coming from.....But, I know I can do it with god's help. I really know that is part of the equation. Sex should be part of a spiritual bonding with your wife.

I guess the questions I need to ask are.....Do you have any thoughts on masterbation before marriage, or would that be considered a sin? How do you keep your thoughts on your wife before and after marriage? I'm sure every man stuggles with what some might consider sinful thoughts. Has an older wiser brother like you developed any techniques to deal with those sorts of things? As far as lubrication.....I do produce alot of my own naturally.....But, you are right...... I really don't want to enter her the first time and hurt her. I need to take time and enter slowly. Allow her to find a rythym with her new husband. I really have to be ready for that for her sake too.

Again....thanks so much to you and other's for the advice. Please feel free to contribute anything else you wish. Either through my online messenger available in my profile....or through my e-mail.....or on here. I certainly think you would make a great older mentor. I would enjoy talking to you so much.


Adam



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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Leah » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:25 am

There is no such thing as too much information. The learning curve is infinite.
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby sthrngent2 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 10:35 am

There is a lot of good advice in that long post, I would suggest making a list from it and refer to it frequantly.

I want to emphasize THE LUBE. Particularly if she is a virgin or has been abstanant for a long time, YOU NEED LUBE. If she is nervous she will not lube. If she is like my wife, she will not think of the sex part of your wedding night and not prepare for it.

As I have posted before, I thought these things were made to go together without outside help. They are NOT. I thought my wife would prepare for having sex and woiuld know what she needed. She did not. She never gave having sex a thought. It was not important.

If I had had any question aobut it I owuld have done my homework. I would have gone to a Dr if I had to, or some other professional who would tell me like it is. A bunch of guys sitting round talking trash to a young guy will say anything and 99.99999999999 percent of it is bs. I thought it would just come naturally. I thought if i was gentle and tender and relaxed, was not pushy, was loving, thoughtful and respectful of her and her feelings the copulation could be done slowly, sensually, and be a marvelous experience. WRONNGGGGG. That is what I get for thinking when I am not accustomed to doing so.

Talk about this before you marry. Make sure she is aware that you are expecting to have sex at least by the second evening. (I dont know why the first sex is usually done at night but that seems to be the best time) She may not bring the lube; if she is aware yall need it, she may forget. YOU bring the lube and you KNOW you have some. Put it where you can put your hand on it easily without breaking the mood created in forplay. Be sure you can find it with the lights out. I wish I had has someone to tell me this instead of all that BS older guys hand you and think it is funny.

Do not push the day to the point that you are tired. If the day holds too much reception, dinner, travel, toasting, (or, as in my case, Wife having to visit every grave in her family as far back as monkeys and putting us late for the wedding, late for the reception, conciquently hours late getting away to go to our hotel) If you are feeling fatiqued, WAIT FOR SEX. If you have waited for marriage to have sex, one more day to relax and be rested for the big event will make it memerable for a lifetime. (Mine was also memeorable but it has been all bad memories and a lifetime of regret.) Do not be in a hurry. Do not make her think you only married her for a place to give yourself an ejaculation. (She is going to anyway, but at least you can make sure you had nothing to do with her having that notion) If you opt to wait until you are rested, shower separately and cuddl with night clothing on. Experience the feel of each other's body. It is a time to get to know each other and how you react to each other's body. Light, loving touching, (not grabby) and not the kind to titilate and inflame passion, but soothing careing, respectful and drift off to sleep in a warm embrace. MAKE HER FEEL SAFE. At the risk of sounding too vulgar, Never let her have cause to be afraid that you will RAM her.

Sex is messy and sloppy. There will be fluids. YOU make sure there is a waterproof padded something to place under your hip area that is big enough to stay in place without having to fight it. One guy told me he brought his own sheet, and when his wife was in the bathroom, he put a pad on the bed and the sheet on top like it had been done by housekeeping. Then threw away the sheet. A minor investment for great results. His wife became anxious about the mess that housekeeping would see the next morning and he could put her embarrassment to rest by telling her what he had done. (She was embarrassed about anything to do with sex) Even if a woman could not care less about what housekeeping would find, it is still a comforting thing to do and a considerate thing to do. If you want to keep the sheet, that is what plastic bags are for.

Have you own box of kleenex. Hotel and motel kleenex leave a lot to be desired. Have towels, wipes, even a wet cloth (on something waterproof not laying on the furniture) handy. Even paper towels. Go to the thread of what you need for your wedding night. I think it is in this section somewhere. Make a list, pack a bag. If both oif you do this you will have plenty of supplies for plenty of sex in the furure.

Good luck and I hope you have a better experience and marriage than I hav. Believe me, this part can make or break a lifetime of togetherness.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Paul B » Fri Jan 08, 2010 9:22 pm

A little self promotion - Sex for the Clueless Groom.

Paul

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby sthrngent2 » Sat Jan 09, 2010 8:56 am

Paul, NOW you tell me, 36 years late, LOL. I was a dummy.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Reader1 » Mon Feb 22, 2010 10:56 am

Paul B wrote:A little self promotion - Sex for the Clueless Groom.

Paul


All great stuff!

Here's my 2cents:

Whatever you agree about beforehand, follow through. (Obviously my experience is influencing this)
You're responsible for bringing candles or lube? Bring them. If you decide on waiting until the next day for sex, don't surprise her the night before (unless she wants to). If you said you're going to read a certain book about sex- do it. Basically learn, discuss your expectations with each other and then follow through.

If you're thinking it's all going to come naturally - think again. Of course, if you're visiting TMB then you're most likely ahead of the game in your attitude. Yeah for you! :D

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Sean » Tue Mar 02, 2010 6:50 pm

This is a nice thread. My wife and I were laughing just the other day saying, "You know what? The biggest mistake we ever made in our sex life was reading that stupid book before we got married."

Really. It's true.

We set the tone for a step-by-step and orgasm obsessive sex life. We learned later that orgasms don't need to happen simultaneously or even at all.

The best things you can do on the early nights of marital bliss? Here's my list:

* Take lots of time
* Undress together
* Explore one-anothers' bodies deeply
* Ask each other lots of sexual questions and give heart-felt honest answers
* Try something very kinky
* Make several blunders
* Laugh a lot
* Laugh some more
* Put your penis in your lover's vagina one way or another (optional)
* Enjoy deeply
* Repeat very soon

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Dbrown » Sun Mar 15, 2015 10:19 pm

Hey guys, i really appreciate what's posted in this thread it's saved in my favorites. But can we get a little more advice from more guys. My fiance and I just finished reading the "Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides" and there's so much more information than what's on here. Just sayin...

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Romantic Husband » Mon Mar 16, 2015 7:21 pm

Dbrown,

On our wedding night, we were both virgins. I was a college man, and thought I was well educated. I thought I knew what to expect. I was sure we would make beautiful, sensitive, passionate love for about an hour on our wedding night, then I would finish sometime after her 20th orgasm.

Wrong.

Don't misunderstand, it was much more than I ever expected, but man, I had a lot to learn. My first clue was when she had to grab hold and guide me to the right spot because I kept trying to poke her in a place where she didn't want to be poked.

I'll throw out a suggestion to start things rolling, then maybe some others will jump in. If you have specific questions, I'll be glad to respond.

As stated above in another post, sex is really messy, and you should prepare to protect the mattress by using a towel or pad under the two of you so no one has to sleep in a wet spot (although many couples are ok with that). We use a waterproof baby changing pad for this. Much more comfortable than a towel. So here's my first suggestion: we keep a small package of baby wipes on hand for the cleanup. We use the unscented kind, and they do the job for her and me, so that nobody has to worry about dripping anything on the carpet on the way to the bathroom.
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Rescued » Mon Mar 16, 2015 10:51 pm

I feel the need to say this but it's tough to do, because it brings up my past, which I am not proud of. Anyway, here goes-

I was not a virgin on my wedding night (because of my life style before I came to Christ), my beautiful bride saved herself just for me. Just because I was "experienced" meant nothing. Sex with a different woman prior to marrying my wonderful wife turned out to be completely different than with my wife. I don't really care to be specific, but the two women share basically nothing in how they respond to different things. Reading a book on "how to do it just perfectly" may well have set me up for some big disappointments had I believed the book was a perfect instruction manual. As stated, take your time, have fun, laugh at the mistakes, and enjoy, you have your WHOLE life as a couple to figure out what works!

Moderators, if this post is not appropriate and you see it in any way glorifying pre-marital sex, please remove it. I do NOT want to be the cause of someone stumbling because of what I say.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby SLS » Sun Jan 03, 2016 9:46 pm

Wow. I remember reading this thread in preparation for my wedding night. Just for Job's post alone this thread should be required reading for future husbands. :D

A few observations:

Your bride can be quite emotional during this time and that is normal. Planning a wedding, planning your new lives together, having the wedding and reception, presenting her body to you etc. etc. can be very emotionally draining.

When I was first undressing my bride she started to cry. It wasn't because she was sad or hurt but because she was overcome with her emotions and the moment of my seeing her naked for the first time. Guys, that is okay and normal (as long as it doesn't go on for hours or the reasons involve sadness and hurt). Heck you may even shed a tear or two and that is also fine! :D Be patient, loving, and understanding.

The key word for your first time guys is "gentleness." Be as soft and slow as your DW desires. I know that when DW and I got married I just wanted to have at her the moment the door closed. Resist that impulse. Be sensual and slow to explore. The experience is so much better that way for both of you.

Also as Job said don't put any pressure on yourself to deliver an orgasm to your wife that first night. More than likely it is not going to happen. It took DW and I three months before she was able to have an O.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby McGruff » Sun Jan 17, 2016 7:31 am

My advice would be this: if you have a wedding reception that goes really late, say, until midnight or so, and you are getting to whatever bed you are going to at 1 or 2 in the morning and you are just super tired, don't feel the need to consummate your marriage then. We tried to have sex under those conditions and it just didn't work well at all. There will be time the next day to go crazy in bed with your bride, and you'll be much more well-rested. Naturally, if in spite of it being really late you are both feeling much more sexually aroused than tired, go for it. But don't feel like you have to have sex before going to bed if you are wiped out from a long wedding day.
-McGruff

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby morethannot » Sun Jan 17, 2016 7:31 pm

My advice to a groom before his wedding night would be to have a very frank discussion with a married man that you trust to be open and honest with you about what you need to be prepared for - like having lube available, tempering your expectations, suggestions on mechanics (like being open to the very real possibility that she will have to guide you in) etc.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby CleverCl0vr » Tue Mar 28, 2017 3:35 pm

Can any of the men tell me what it was like going from controlling all your urges, removing yourselves from situations as to not go further than you should & then ML to your DW consistently (or at the very least more than before)? I'm curious because I feel like I have a pretty HD, but I've suppressed it so many times I'm afraid it won't be there at all on my wedding night. I grew up in a pretty strict home & sex wasn't looked at negatively but it certainly wasn't looked at positively.

If I find that I've mentally trained myself to look at sex with my FW negatively what can I do now so that on our wedding night I'm not hampered by false guilt/shame?

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Paul B » Tue Mar 28, 2017 4:00 pm

It's pretty rare for men to have any trouble with this. Not unheard of, but very rare. Odds are you will struggle with the other side, now that your sexuality can run free.

With that in mind, please understand sex is easier for men than women. For you, orgasm is almost guaranteed, and at first, it will happen rather fast. For her, it's going to take time to learn how, especially if she has little experience with masturbation.

You will be ready for sex three times a day, she will not. Among other things, her body will get sore if she does too much too fast.

Aside from having lube and a few small towels, my suggestion is to go slow and see it as a lifetime of learning and growing. Have very few expectations for the first night, and be flexible. You don't have to have intercourse the first night, you can just explore and pleasure each other by hand. I'm not saying it's wrong to have intercourse, but don't feel you must. Also, know she is probably very self-conscience about her body. Provide her with dim light the first night.

If you do find you have the problems you are concerned about, the advice above is helpful for that too. Go slow, and let your body take you where it will.
Paul
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby McGruff » Tue Mar 28, 2017 5:11 pm

Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming married life! I myself was taught to view sex as something to wait until marriage for, but I was also taught to view sex positively---not a dirty thing but rather a very God-endorsed and wonderful thing when within a marriage. Since a more negative view of sex than I had pre-marriage can be ingrained in ways I can't fully understand, hopefully others who also were taught to view sex negatively can give words of wisdom on how to overcome that. But I certainly think it is important to overcome that because it really is a wonderful gift from God, both the act itself in all its pleasure and the intimacy that comes along with it.
-McGruff

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby Romantic Husband » Tue Mar 28, 2017 8:22 pm

I was raised in the church, as was my DW. Growing up, we both heard almost nothing about sex from our home and our churches other than don't, don't, don't. So, yes, the wedding night was a maybe a little awkward, embarrassing, and guilt-ridden, but performance wise, everything worked like it was supposed to. We were both pretty shy about our bodies and talking about sex, and worried about the sounds we might make, what other people were thinking, etc., but we got over it, oh, about 12 hours into our marriage. I'll bet you'll do just fine. We did! :D

A good premarital counselor can be a real blessing. Also, one idea you might consider is find a public place (so that you are, in a way, chaperoned) where you can talk frankly and discreetly about your expectations for the evening. I would wait until about a week before the wedding so that you don't tempt yourselves. Pray for each other and give yourselves permission to enjoy God's wedding gift.

There are a lot of resources out there (this forum is one of the best) that weren't available when we got married. Don't be reticent about taking advantage of them.
Matthew 19:26 - With God all things are possible.
Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby CleverCl0vr » Wed Mar 29, 2017 10:05 am

Romantic Husband wrote:I was raised in the church, as was my DW. Growing up, we both heard almost nothing about sex from our home and our churches other than don't, don't, don't. So, yes, the wedding night was a maybe a little awkward, embarrassing, and guilt-ridden, but performance wise, everything worked like it was supposed to. We were both pretty shy about our bodies and talking about sex, and worried about the sounds we might make, what other people were thinking, etc., but we got over it, oh, about 12 hours into our marriage. I'll bet you'll do just fine. We did! :D


THANK YOU!! I mean I hinted to it but I'm definitely embarrassed to say that as much as I desire sex, there is a negative connotation about it & I don't want to have a wedding night where I'm far too timid & don't communicate out of fear of saying something wrong or thinking my desires are wrong so I just bottle it up. I've been mentored by some amazing men & women recently who are helping walk in grace and not believe the lies of the past that I'm "bad" & this has helped so much in being open & honest about not just desires, expectations, etc but also fears. I seriously appreciate all the great input it's helping me renew my mind with truth & walking in faith that we both have a heavenly father who loves us and deeply wants us to love each other fully and enjoy all that he has for us.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Mar 30, 2017 8:41 am

CleverCl0vr wrote:If I find that I've mentally trained myself to look at sex with my FW negatively what can I do now so that on our wedding night I'm not hampered by false guilt/shame?
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Dude, don't borrow trouble. Do YOU have any beliefs that married sex is somehow wrong? Why have you trained yourself to look at sex with your future wife as negative? The keyword here is "future". Now, sex with her would be wrong, because she's not yours and you're not hers. But when you do belong to each other, it is not only not wrong, it is good, glorious, and commanded by God no less.

It wouldn't hurt to read what the Bible says about married sex. Any good commentary on the Song of Solomon would be a good starting place. I haven't read this, but have heard it is good.
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/9610 ... cy_Ignited
I like Arnold Fruchtenbaum's Biblical Lovemaking. He is a Christian Jew, and can look past some of the pagan asceticism that got carried forward into Christianity.

I was also from a conservative background, and my wife moreso. We waited until after the wedding. We had a morning wedding :lol:. Going from not doing it to doing it, not a problem at all! It's just that after 35 years, I still feel like I will never get enough :lol:.
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Grooms

Postby CleverCl0vr » Thu Mar 30, 2017 10:59 am

ledgemoor wrote:Dude, don't borrow trouble. Do YOU have any beliefs that married sex is somehow wrong? Why have you trained yourself to look at sex with your future wife as negative?


I honestly can't say I do. I think it's more of a concern that because of my trauma I might withdraw from being honest about my desires or have a flashback of being raped and go limp & ruin the night & make my FW think that she isn't gorgeous, WHICH SHE IS!! I guess what I'm trying to say is that it wouldn't be something that I chose but my brain responding negatively because the only past experience was negative.


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