Adam-OH wrote:What can make it more enjoyable for the both of us? I want it to be perfect.
I am often amazed at how some mature couples have kept the fire alive for so many years. I can only hope it will be that way for us. I would like to hear from mature men who have been married for years. What makes things work for you? I am open to any advice or guidence you have to offer. I have had alot of mature male friends in the past , and have found them to be most wise in these matters. There are certain things only men can relate to. I don't have any older friends to talk to these days......I miss thier advice......If anything I know I'll make some really good friends here....Thanks for your time.
Job29man wrote: Dear Adam,
Welcome to TMB. You will undoubtedly find good friends here. I applaud you for seeking advice from older brothers. One thing that was kind of hard for me to get used to at first on TMB was talking to the women about sex. IRL (in real life) circles that is something I would NEVER do! It just is not proper! But here on TMB you will learn that some of a man's best counsel can come from the sisters. The culture here is that our discussions are not "sexual", rather they are "about sex" and there is a big difference.
It may feel awkward at first to talk so frankly about sex, especially when some of the conversation participants are women. But part of the genius of TMB is that it is anonymous. And there is a really sharp "Oversight Group" (OG) that is able to discern those who are here for ulterior motives, and the OG removes those threats quickly. All that to say, this is a safe environment to talk about sex and many more aspects of marriage.
I am a man, over 50 years old, married almost 30 years, 10 children, farmer/rancher/businessman. DW (dear wife) and I have a peaceful, very happy marriage, and an incredible sex life (variety, frequency, intensity, adventurousness)! It is no small feat to keep a marriage HOT through the bearing of so many children! I credit that to an awesome God to whom we are completely dedicated, and to marrying the most generous, selfless, giving woman in the world!
Also we spent so much time talking out a hundred potential issues BEFORE we married. You are so wise to seek counsel before marriage. The time you spend NOW discussing things will help immensely "when the moment finally arrives."
Adam, I think that a lot of us older men (and women) would say don't focus so much on the first night being "perfect". In fact, from a technical standpoint, your first night surely will NOT be perfect. But that is perfect! Imagine that sex is like playing the trumpet. On your wedding day God hands you a beautiful trumpet and says "I would not let you play it before, but you may play it now. In fact I WANT you to play this trumpet now." So you place the horn to your lips and you imagine that you are about to play a glorious concerto trumpet solo. Here it is, the BIG MOMENT, you blow for all you are worth and all that comes out is a loud "BBBLLLLAAAAATT". Not at all what you had imagined. Not a glorious melody, just a PPPPPPrrrrrrrrrrrrrbbbbb. At first you want to be embarassed, but then you look at God, Who is smiling, and He says "That was not bad son. In fact your lung capacity shows promise. Here hold your lips this way, tighten up your gut and try again." Next time you hear something like a solid "C" note, although it is over in a second instead of holding for 10 seconds like you wanted. On and on it goes... you get better, and better, etc.
What I'm saying is the first night is just about getting familiar with the horn, not playing symphonic music. You should not expect much. Just be there and caress the horn. Explore the parts, blow on it, hear the sounds, try again.
In practical terms, here is what I would expect on the first night. Bring lots of KY lubrication, take manly leadership in seducing her, but display manly self-discipline in making love to her. Go slowly, as slowly as she says. If you start in, and she says "ouch pull back" then that is what you will do. You may be so excited that you may ejaculate even before you can penetrate her. That is OK! It is not failure! She should be patient with you too. Guess what? You can try again when you feel "up" to it. You have all night. You have all week. You have all your lives!!
If the question is put to most of us asking "from a pleasure meter standpoint how was the sex on your wedding night?" we'd probably answer "it was not fireworks, it was OK". But if you ask us "how was the emotional intimacy on your wedding night?" many or most would answer "WOW It was amazing! HOT! Fireworks! I will remember it till the day I die!"
So Adam, don't seek sexual excellence on the big night. Be happy just to have something that kind of looks like sexual intercourse. (Blow on the horn and be happy with ANY sound that comes out of it!). Let me share with you what an older brother in Christ advised me before my wedding. It was the best advice I ever got. He said...
"Be ecstatic if you can both achieve an orgasm in the same room on the same night, by any means whatsoever."
Do not expect to give your virgin wife an orgasm through PIV (penis in vagina intercourse) on your first night. Almost certainly you will NOT give her an orgasm through intercourse on that first night. (I'd put your chances at 1 in 500) And that is NORMAL, it is beautiful, it is OK! If you can give her an orgasm sometime in the first three days through OS (oral sex) or MS (manual stimulation) you may consider yourself a success, a really good lover! If you cannot give her an orgasm by those means in that time frame it does NOT mean you have failed. It just means you need more practice, and that is OK! It will come to you.
But in all these days let your wife be your guide. Let her control the pace, because it is HER body that needs to go through the most change, and probably some soreness, or outright pain.
Plan on spending about 3-4 times as much time caressing her vulva and clitoris as you spend inside her with your penis. Women need this clitoral stimulation and preparation time. She may have LOTS of personal moisture that makes this easy. She may have almost none! You must bring a couple of big bottles of KY lubrication with you. Bring a couple of different kinds (gel, natural, regular, warming...) and try them each out. But start with the basic kind.
There will likely be some blood. That is natural and good. Bring a towel (from home, don't use a hotel towel) to bed and place it under her bottom so you don't bloody the sheets. She will be embarrassed to leave blood on the sheets or the hotel towels for housekeeping staff to see. Be sensitive to that.
Her body may become "conditioned" to having you inside her in a matter of days. It may take weeks. It could take months. It's all good. Don't have an expectation of vigorous sex very soon. It may be, might not. It's all good.
Plan "other activities" to do on your honeymoon to take her out and give her a rest from sex. Go sailing, go swimming, hot tub, visit a National Park, dinner, museum, amusement park rides like Disney. Don't make the whole days about sex. But don't exhaust yourselves with "other activities", keep a slow pace. Take at least a week for honeymoon. Two weeks is better. Don't take ANY business calls on this trip. In fact you would do well to leave your cell phone at home, or take a disposable phone with you that no one knows the phone number. You don't want ANYONE calling you on your honeymoon. Your new bride WILL surely resent you taking calls. Don't do it!
Camping may sound like a romantic honeymoon. With few exceptions it is a very, very BAD idea! A virgin bride needs a room with a locking door, a private bath, indoor plumbing, even a separate room to change in (for some brides).
HYGEINE IS BIG: Keep your fingernails trimmed. Wash your hands after using the bathroom. Never touch her anus first and then her vagina with the same fingers! Insist that she go pee after every time of intercourse or you will wind up with a crying bride, who is 500 miles from her doctor, and is in great pain with a UTI (urinary tract infection), sometimes called "Honeymooners Disease" because newlyweds forget, or dont' know enough, to pee after sex. It washes away germs introduced through intercourse. Brush your teeth, use mouthwash, shave your face twice a day (trust me on this). Take lots of hot soaking baths together. BRING BUBBLEBATH! She will be SORE after sex and will appreciate a good hot soak in the tub with you.
Drink very, very little alcohol, or NONE. Just have enough for an intimate dinner. If you view the honeymoon as a very physical thing you will want to be in peak form. Alcohol will diminish your abilities. Let her love intoxicate you!
Stay with "missionary position" the first few times until she is without pain. If she suggests a different position at any time the answer is "Yes my love."
By all means bring your Bibles and study the Word together. Bring another few books about marriage and sex to read together.
Leave the "advanced sex" manuals, toys, costumes, etc at home. If she makes a big deal out of lingerie, even if it's not your thing, learn to love it! She does it because she loves you! The honeymoon is about Sex 101. It is not Grad School, that comes later.
Don't put pressure on her for OS (oral sex) or any other "advanced technique". You have the next 50 years to discover these things together.
But if she seems open to you giving her OS, by all means do so. I think I might wait a day or two for this, but you figure it out as you go.
Ladies please forgive me, but this is "guy talk" here. Adam have you ever purchased a new car or truck with a diesel engine? You need to let it warm up a long time, then you drive it slowly, not accelerating quickly. Then when you are done with your first 20 trips you don't just shut off the motor, you sit in the parking lot and let it Purrrrr for about 5 full minutes, "cooling down". Then you shut it off and get under the hood, and check the fluid levels. You wash the car, keep the tires inflated, change the filters, etc. And when you are driving what are you looking at the whole time? The gauges that's what!! Always be aware of the engine temperature, the RPMs (don't red line it the first month!), the oil pressure, the alternator. And LISTEN, listen, listen to the sounds of the engine! Detect any vibrations, tick, clicks, and get on them EARLY. Don't let bad sounds persist. Figure them out immediately!
Remember that although you are her Head and she is to submit to you, there is an interesting twist in the bedroom. The Bible says that she actually has authority over your body. So if she asks you to shave a beard, this you must do. If she asks you to not drink alcohol, if she asks you to lose weight, to eat healthy food, to take a shower, etc this then is what you must do. Read 1 Cor 7 for more info.
There's so much to tell. This is a start. What kinds of specific questions do you have now?
Adam-OH wrote:Job29Man.......Thanks so much for the wonderful response. It's great to be able to find an older brother like you, who enjoys a wonderful spiritual and sexual relationship with his wife. Yes. I understand it can be difficult "opening up" the first time and discussing these topics with both men and women in this forum. But, if someone like you can open up to it.....I think I can too. It sounds like god has bestowed upon you and your wife a gift of many children, and a lasting relationship with your wife that that I want with my own.
I know I am going to heed your advice about taking things slow with here at first. For me it has been quite some time. I have had alot of experience (not always the greatest experiences) in my past , before I came to god. For me it will be a clean start. Sometimes I think I'm going to explode waiting for the honeymoon. I want to know that when she allows me to enter her that I won't be too aggresive. Allow her to enjoy me as I want to enjoy her. I'm sure an older brother like you knows where I am coming from.....But, I know I can do it with god's help. I really know that is part of the equation. Sex should be part of a spiritual bonding with your wife.
I guess the questions I need to ask are.....Do you have any thoughts on masterbation before marriage, or would that be considered a sin? How do you keep your thoughts on your wife before and after marriage? I'm sure every man stuggles with what some might consider sinful thoughts. Has an older wiser brother like you developed any techniques to deal with those sorts of things? As far as lubrication.....I do produce alot of my own naturally.....But, you are right...... I really don't want to enter her the first time and hurt her. I need to take time and enter slowly. Allow her to find a rythym with her new husband. I really have to be ready for that for her sake too.
Again....thanks so much to you and other's for the advice. Please feel free to contribute anything else you wish. Either through my online messenger available in my profile....or through my e-mail.....or on here. I certainly think you would make a great older mentor. I would enjoy talking to you so much.
The full thread is here.