Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
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Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby Job29Man » Wed Jan 06, 2010 7:30 am

Please post here your best advice to brides for the Wedding Night about how to make it the best it can be for themselves and their husband. About what to expect and how to start their intimate lives off on the best footing. Feel free to re-post from the best such posts you've seen elsewhere.
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby padsnd » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:11 am

I would start by saying recognize in all your planning that, while you may have dreamed of walking down the aisle since you were a little girl, he may have spent the same amount of time dreaming about that first night. So, take that into consideration in every way from the timing of the wedding and reception to your attitudes toward that night. He may be a bit naive about some things, but your attitude toward it will go a long way toward starting things off right or wrong. There is always concern about pain and the possibility that things may not work as planned, but dwelling on that vs. dwelling on how you can make it the best can speak volumes to your FH.

To some brides-to-be, the wedding night is just the first of many nights. Sure, they want it to be special, but they can easily fall into the trap of thinking "well, if nothing happens, we have many years ahead of us." To some FHs that can be like saying, "if the wedding or reception is a disaster, we can always do a renewing of the vows and will always have future parties with friends over at our house to make up for it".

Think of it this way. If you told me you wanted a wedding in a palace, I would think, "you may have some unrealistic expectations." But, when approaching the subject with you, I would say, "I'm not sure how we could do that on our budget, but let's try to be creative and come up with a solution that works. Can we 'make a palace' out of what we have available?" The same goes for the wedding night. The FH may have ideas and it may not sound realistic to just jump in bed and go at it, but perhaps there are alternatives that aren't throwing out the ideas altogether. And, perhaps with the proper planning some of the issues won't be so big.

I've heard many FW say, "the reception will go to 9pm, then I have to get out of my dress, and we have tickets to fly out at 8am at an airport 2 hours away the next morning so his ideas are out... nothing can happen that night". My response to this is, "Didn't you consider this when you set the wedding time, reception time, and scheduled the honeymoon?"

Anyway, I'm guessing you are thinking about advice from DWs, but that is just a DHs perspective on some of the pitfalls that can cause issues and how to avoid them.
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby Leah » Wed Jan 06, 2010 8:24 am

There is no such thing as too much information. The learning curve is infinite.
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby Job29Man » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:14 am

Pads,

Your words are great advice. When I teach my children about the Wedding Ceremony and Honeymoon I say ...

"Many brides think only about the First Day (Wedding Ceremony). Many grooms think only about the First Night and First Week. You both need to plan for both. It's no longer just about you, and the best place to get started thinking about the other is from the very first second of your lives together, even before that! You men need to give a darn about the wedding and help her out. Pay attention to the flowers and all, make it special for her. You women need to plan for the First Night and Honeymoon, specifically sex. Leave time and energy for sex to be good and unhurried. Don't set him up for failure by putting pressure on him to perform and be sensitive when he's exhausted and rushed. For heaven's sake DON'T have a very LATE night arrival at hotel and EARLY plane departure. Spend at least a leisurely night and day together before a hectic travel schedule. Make it special for him."

And by the way, I think that the advice of men on this thread is very important!
Last edited by Job29Man on Sat Aug 27, 2011 9:46 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby hubbyforher » Wed Jan 06, 2010 10:17 am

One practical piece of advice is not to stay at your reception until 1am, and then stagger to your hotel room like two zombies. The wedding is for the bride and the groom, not for all the guests. I think the guests should be properly treated, and the bride and groom should spend time with all the people that came to see them get married. But leave at a reasonable hour, such as 10pm or 11pm, so that you're both not exhausted.
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby initstime » Wed Jan 06, 2010 11:05 am

Great thoughts! Thanks everyone, for contributing.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby Chateau Violet » Wed Jan 06, 2010 1:26 pm

Prepare yourself mentally and plan beforehand that sex is something that will happen on your wedding night. We had no travel plans, were home by 10 and still didn't ML that first night (I'm thankful for DH's patience with me). It can be a bit overwhelming seeing your DH naked the first time and can totally catch a bride off-guard. There are books with clinical pictures that can give you an idea of what to expect and might be good to read the week or two before the wedding (Grandma's Sex Handbook, just the first part, comes to mind).

Take it slow. Lube. Lots of it. And put down a towel. Bleeding a bit is normal, but many on here say they were able to relax and that the first time was pain free.

Let him see you. Really, he wants to.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again :) .
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby sthrngent2 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 10:51 am

Darling, it may be your big day, but dont let him feel like a minor functional appendage or an afterthought. Include him and his feelings in your plans.

I know even loving and well meaning women can get caught up in all teh plans and "things" part of a wedding, and forget her hubby is a sexual and sensual being who is soooo looking forward to teh warmth of the physical union. He is not using you; he thinks you are enjoying him making love to you and will recognise his advances as such. (in most cases)

For the others, I echo the other posts; he expects, and has his heart set on having sex. If you cant do that lovingly with fond anticipation and desire, do him and yourself a favor, break his heart a little bit now, call it off and have an invitro from the sperm bank to satisfy your maternal urges and marry a eunick or homosexual for the public image aspect of parenthood.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby Job29Man » Thu Jan 07, 2010 2:43 pm

(sthrngent2, Thanks for your input. Please don't be offended if I add an editorial note to new readers.)

Future Brides,

Sthrngent2 has a perspective that is born out of great adversity. His comment may seem harsh but he was drawn into a marriage with a woman who really only wanted him to father her children and pay the bills. She cut him off from all intimacy and frankly he went through hell. Now she has passed away. I think his advice is relevant. It's basically a challenge to consider carefully if you are really cut out for marriage in the first place.

Some wise counselors and I would put it this way... If you cannot see yourself cheerfully having sex 3-4 times a week for the rest of your life with this man, if you cannot see yourself being willing and generous even when you feel tired, distracted, stressed, overwhelmed, under financial pressure, and even during times when you are not particularly attracted to your husband, then don't get married at all.

Perhaps too often a woman will get married before counting this cost, and deceives herself and the man she loves. To marry and then act as a sexual gatekeeper, dispensing sex only when the mood strikes, or for other reasons is cruel to your husband (as it would be in reverse) and is very good reason to call off the wedding in the first place. Don't marry in order to escape your home, or to have children, or to become "complete", etc. Marry because you want to live as a generous partner and helper to your husband, and because you have the same path of ministry from the Lord. Marry because you can be one-flesh in the fullest sense.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby sthrngent2 » Thu Jan 07, 2010 6:01 pm

Job, no offence taken at all to the editorial. With the exception of one point you are quite correct. My wife did not pass away. You may be thinking about another woman who in her last posts began to soften and died of leukemia, but she and her husband i think had sex again just before her death. I cannot remember her user name but i think her name was Adelle.

But you verry accurately expounded upon the point I was trying to make. And no, I do not mean to be harsh at all, just get my point across as strongly as possable so as to be sure no one takes teh situation lightly. If anyopne is getting ready to marry someone who, in your very apt termanology, is not doing so as a generous person, then run like a three-legged turkey. And it does not matter who it affects or how late it is or how much you have invested in teh relationship. RUN. I cannot emphasize enough the horror that awaits you if you go through with it.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby Andelain » Fri Jan 08, 2010 1:16 pm

Speaking from personal experience, so take or leave this as necessary -

Even with the best will and all the desire in the world, your first time having sex may not work out so well. This is not your fault, and not his fault, and does not mean that you married the wrong man. Talk to each other, however things go, and tell each other what you are thinking and feeling.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby gherkin » Fri Jan 08, 2010 4:42 pm

Take a bath or shower together on the first night! Get a bathrobe to bring if you don't have one already! Before I got married I would just take my clothes into the bathroom and get dressed there, but during the honeymoon we both spent more time in bathrobes than in any other item of clothing... they are just so cozy and perfect for cuddling when you're not quite sure if you want to be dressed yet. :wink: When we got home I decided I needed a bathrobe of my own.

Try giving him a massage before you get started. It feels really nice to get one too, of course, but it's also good to learn to touch him and to get comfortable with his body... I really liked just being able to look and touch all over. Take your time.

Keep lube and a roll of toilet paper or a washcloth within arms-reach of you on the bed. It's nice not to have to stop cuddling once you need either of those items, before or after sex.

I remember when I was little I used to wonder how people decided to have sex... I mean, how did you go from fully dressed to lying down with parts of your body stuck together? I think I realized how it worked once my now-DH kissed me for the first time... you just start wanting to touch and cuddle, and that's how it goes even now. You just want to be close with each other. Kissing is still the #1 thing that turns me on and makes me want more. Just trust that your body will know what to do. Take your time-- if things hurt for me, it's always because we haven't spent enough time in foreplay. And smile! It's okay to laugh! It's fun!

Also, peeing after sex prevents urinary tract infections, but something I didn't realize was that sex would make yeast infections also more likely. For me, this feels like a kind of constant low-grade itchiness that turns into a burning sensation when semen or lube gets near it, and it lasts for about a week even when I started washing well with soap right after sex. At least that's what helps for me right now. I was always told not to wash that area with soap so as not to mess with the PH, so I would always just scrub well with water, but for some reason sex started making things itch down there if I didn't wash really well. Things got balanced out after a while, and I don't have to be as OCD about it now, but that's something I didn't expect.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby turquoise » Wed Jan 20, 2010 2:38 pm

The week before the wedding, discuss your expectations with your FH. Try to do it in such a way that you don't get turned on, but get an idea of what/when to expect. Will you have sex the evening of the wedding? The next morning? If that evening, what time will you leave the reception to make it happen? Will you do "everything" on the first shot or work up towards it with several sessions? Mostly importantly, if you haven't already discussed it, what are you or are you not comfortable with? And finally, where your expectations don't match, where can you compromise?

To give you an idea of why these questions can matter... I bought a lovely nightgown for our first evening together. I decided to make it a surprise for DH. He had decided, but not told me, that he wanted to be able to undress me in whatever I was wearing when we got to the hotel... he liked the idea of slow discovery. Well, I was wearing the grubby shorts and t-shirt I had changed into at the reception hall to help with tear-down. If I'd known I would be starting my wedding night in those clothes, I would have chosen more carefully! So DH won that round, and I was a bit disappointed. We also hadn't discussed how long it would take us to work up to sex. DH wanted to have several make-out sessions before having sex; I was too ready to go to wait, so I I won that round, and DH was a bit disappointed.

Most importantly, bring some thick skin along with you. When DH touched me down there his response was "Ewwww, gross!" :roll: Agree ahead of time that you will forgive each other for whatever awkward moments arise; if you have your heart set on perfection and magic it won't happen. If you are prepared to accept whatever comes you'll probably be more likely to hit perfection and magic. :wink:

Re hygiene, make sure you urinate after intercourse every time. If you feel some discomfort afterward, a cold washcloth will soothe (as will making sure you use lube the first few times at least). For UTI prevention, unsweetened cranberry juice is the best (sugar feeds the bacteria) but it's very sour. Cranberry capsules are much more portable; definitely bring some if you're traveling, and stay hydrated, especially for air travel. If you're prone to UTIs, consider getting a prescription from your doc and filling it just in case. I had the worst UTI of my life flying back from France on our honeymoon (we're talking pink urine and fever; not fun) and I couldn't get meds until we got home. Not a lovely welcome home.

Rayllee

Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby Rayllee » Tue Feb 16, 2010 4:47 pm

Thanks so much for all of your advice. So many of these things I wouldn't even have thought of!!!

Thankfully, our wedding is at 1pm and we have to be out of the reception by three for cleaning! So we will have a nice evening to ourselves :D

MrsHWood

Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby MrsHWood » Mon Feb 22, 2010 8:54 am

Many of these posts seem to be written either by men or older women. And many of them are written from the perspective of the husband wanting sex the first night and the woman being a little more hesistant about it.

I am a new bride (9 months) and I am writing from the perspective of a lady who very much wanted her husband the first night. My advice is yes, bring a towel, and yes, have toilet paper by your bed. Other than that, relax and have fun. I was afraid of it hurting a lot the first night. That is different for every woman. For me, there was blood but it didn't hurt as much as I was afraid it would. I was just glad to be going through it and getting the "hard part" over with. After the first night or two, there shouldn't be any more blood and you'll be good to go for the rest of your life. :) Just don't worry about it. Probably you are reading this post because you're a little worried about what to expect the first night. No matter how many words we put down on this post, it won't substitute actually going through the experience yourself. Trust me, you'll be fine.

Also, don't expect firecrackers the first night. It may take your new husband a little while to figure out how to give you pleasure, because it's different for him. Hopefully he loves you enough to care about paying attention to you and how to take care of you, as most new husbands do. Chances are, you will not have orgasm at the same time as him like in the movies. In fact, rarely does sex actually look like the movies! You are learning a new skill, and hopefully it is brand new to both of you, so just realize you won't be all that talented at the new skill at first, but with practice you will get used to it.

Lastly, keep it up. Don't let the romance die! Keep learning new ways to give each other pleasure and don't stop adoring your husband, no matter how many imperfections you may discover along the way.

JuneBride

Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby JuneBride » Thu Feb 25, 2010 10:47 pm

It really is ok if you don't have sex on your wedding night. It might be better to wait until day 2 or 3 and enjoy it more because you are more relaxed and comfortable, than force it on the first night and not enjoy it as much.

Educate yourself on various birth control methods and have a discussion several MONTHS before your wedding about which one is right for you as a couple, if you plan to use anything at all. If you're going to use condoms, don't let the first time you ever handle one be on your wedding night. If you're going to be on BCP, get on it a few months ahead of time.

Bring lube.

It takes awhile to learn what each of you like, and you might want different things on different days. That's ok.

Take it slow, touch each other, let yourself savor the moment and learn what feels good to your body and his.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby niceguy44 » Fri Feb 26, 2010 4:17 am

This is not just for the wedding night but for the honeymoon, however long it is: Be confident about your body and let your DH see it as much as possible in private. Even while not being intimate, stay topless/bottomless/naked as much as possible. Your DH wants to see your body, and it is a great message to send to him.
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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby waitingforredemption » Thu May 27, 2010 3:19 am

MrsHWood wrote:Also, don't expect firecrackers the first night.
.


There's a joke about a couple's first night often told around the part of the world where I live, and this phrase reminded me of it. (A little background..."proof of virginity" is still really important around here...and young men usually have all kinds of wild expectations not based in reality of what breaking their bride's hymen is like).

A young bride wanted to really please her husband on their wedding night, so she brought some fireworks for their first time together. While they were in the throes of passion that night she slipped one of them between her legs and lit it. When it went off (making a very loud pop) she started squealing and said, "Oh my love, now I'm a woman." And in a timid, squeaky voice he replied, "me too!"

Okay, back from the rabbit trail.

Go into that night with an attitude (and expectation) of exploration and explanation...learning about his body and introducing your husband to your body. The confidence that accompanies that kind of attitude will be a total turn on to your husband. And it certainly helps cover over the funny and silly awkwardness that is inevitable as well.

1403

Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby 1403 » Thu May 27, 2010 4:28 am

Wedding Night Attire - You're dressing for your husband, not your mom. By all means pick something you'll feel pretty and sexy and confident in, but if you feel the need to apologize because "tradition made me do it", it tells him that your mom is there in the room with you. (To use Lehman's analogy about emotional baggage.) The wedding police may have been at the ceremony, but they aren't here now, so forget about them.

We had our wedding early enough, but let our reception drag on far far too long. End it at a predetermined time. (I didn't know it yet, but there was something else at play). Let your family clean up. You planned the ceremony, the honeymoon, and the getaway. Make sure those aren't disconnected dots. Make sure your getaway plan is not just the fancy car or carriage, but how you get there, where vehicles are left, etc.. I really wish we'd planned not just 'sufficient' time for the wedding night, but 'plenty' of time. Like several hours before we needed to be asleep.

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Re: Wedding Night 101, Advice to Brides

Postby NaiveHusband » Thu May 27, 2010 12:26 pm

1403 wrote:I really wish we'd planned not just 'sufficient' time for the wedding night, but 'plenty' of time. Like several hours before we needed to be asleep.
My wife and I also didn't leave the reception until too late, then we went to her folks' house to change, where an after-wedding party was going on with about 60 or more of the guests. By the time we left the house it was 8:00, and we had a three-hour drive to get to our hotel. Way too late for a way too busy day. We still "did it all" that night, but we were dead tired and actually dropped off a couple of times before it was over.


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