Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatch!)

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
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LadyP
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Re: Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatc

Postby LadyP » Thu Jul 19, 2012 7:48 pm

I think there's just too many unknowns going on. I had no idea what my drive would be like before I got married, and in the last five years it's fluctuated a TON. Sometimes I'm high drive and I wear Hero out. Sometimes I'm low drive and we do lots of non-intercourse things to take care of him when my interest is low. We deal. Beyond that, I had no idea my hips would hurt in certain positions, or that certain acts would make me panic, or that I would enjoy the occasional minor pain. I had no idea that I'd have a sudden libido spike in the early afternoon most days. It's just unanswerable.

This feels a lot like the people in my Christian high school who worried endlessly about how to know if sex would be good with their future spouse and if they were a good lover and whatnot. Several of the girls I knew were planning on having sex once or twice while they were engaged, just to check. And I didn't know what to say then, but I know now:

"Great sex comes from four things. Generosity, communication, willingness to experiment, and practice. Practice you'll get anyway. If you don't know by the time you are engaged whether your spouse will be generous, willing to communicate and willing to listen, and willing to experiment, then having sex won't tell you."

Beyond that, a few questions to establish that neither of them have been filled with weird anti-sex teachings should be enough. As far as I can tell, most refusers do so out of anger or control issues, not just low drive. Low drive plus generosity and communication can still make for a fairly satisfactory sex life.
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Re: Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatc

Postby beautyfromashes » Fri Jul 20, 2012 6:14 am

LadyP wrote:
"Great sex comes from four things. Generosity, communication, willingness to experiment, and practice. Practice you'll get anyway. If you don't know by the time you are engaged whether your spouse will be generous, willing to communicate and willing to listen, and willing to experiment, then having sex won't tell you."


This is excellent!
Deep intimacy always requires work, acceptance, and forgiveness. Lots of it. ~~ Linda Dillow

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Re: Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatc

Postby JDFbride » Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:00 am

beautyfromashes wrote:
LadyP wrote:
"Great sex comes from four things. Generosity, communication, willingness to experiment, and practice. Practice you'll get anyway. If you don't know by the time you are engaged whether your spouse will be generous, willing to communicate and willing to listen, and willing to experiment, then having sex won't tell you."


This is excellent!


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mrpineapple
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Re: Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatc

Postby mrpineapple » Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:33 am

beautyfromashes wrote:
LadyP wrote:
"Great sex comes from four things. Generosity, communication, willingness to experiment, and practice. Practice you'll get anyway. If you don't know by the time you are engaged whether your spouse will be generous, willing to communicate and willing to listen, and willing to experiment, then having sex won't tell you."


This is excellent!


I concur. Wonderfully put.
The sad problem, of course, is that many don't find these qualities strongly exhibited in their spouse at some point down the road after they are married. But these are certainly the qualities to look for in a future spouse (well, willingness to practice after the wedding, ideally :D ), and the attributes to work on when there are mismatch problems.

And to that end, continuing this thought exercise, maybe more effective in the end would be some sort of personality test that can measure these qualities using proxy situations, rather than specific and potentially unfamiliar, fetishes. Such as:
If your spouse really hoped to try a new activity together, what level of willingness would you have towards attempting the following situations? (appropriate Likert scale)
1. Firewalking
2. Playing on a coed soccer team
3. Building a toolshed
4. Completing a puzzle
5. Taking nude photographs of each other
6. Playing paintball
7. Participating in a competitive eating tournament
8. Cleaning up a stable at a charity that provides care for diarrheic horses
9. Taking a detailed survey about sexual fetishes (in which case, if both are up for it, it does appear we've got one ready to go!)
10. Juggling willing cats

You know, stuff like that... or, more likely, stuff not at all like that. :D

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Re: Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatc

Postby mamame » Fri Jul 20, 2012 12:06 pm

I have friends who would have answered "as often as either desires it" but honestly expecting their partner to only desire it once a week.

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Re: Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatc

Postby Programmer » Fri Jul 20, 2012 1:08 pm

beautyfromashes wrote:
LadyP wrote:
"Great sex comes from four things. Generosity, communication, willingness to experiment, and practice. Practice you'll get anyway. If you don't know by the time you are engaged whether your spouse will be generous, willing to communicate and willing to listen, and willing to experiment, then having sex won't tell you."


This is excellent!


My DW was generous and willing to experiment before we got married. Not now. I wish I had known some things that were allowed before marriage would not be allowed any more after marriage. I guess I wish she would have committed to certain things "in writting" (i.e. - OS) so she could not have so easily taken them off the table permantly after marriage.

It would be great if we could prevent more "train wrecks" from occurring.....

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LadyP
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Re: Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatc

Postby LadyP » Sun Jul 22, 2012 6:57 pm

Thanks :)

I'm aware that my "formula" is hardly perfect, but I really don't think a questionaire would really help things. I mean, even if you had gotten her to commit in writing to OS, there's pretty much no way I can think of for you to bring it up now that would sound anything but whiny to her. (I don't for a minute mean to imply that you *are* whiny for wanting certain things. Just that it's unlikely to be endearing to be waving a written statement around and demanding that she pay up.)

Preventing train wrecks would be awesome, though.
A good rule for rocket experimenters to follow is this: always assume that it will explode. — Astronautics, issue 38, October 1937.
Truth By Bits, my daily-ish devotional blog

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Re: Sexual compatibility questionaire (prevent HD/LD mismatc

Postby ghostrider » Mon Oct 05, 2015 10:06 pm

I have a brother who will likely get engaged soon and he has expressed concern over this issue. But even with this survey, it is feasible that anyone who has already gone as far as getting engaged and is in premarital counseling would actually break-up over learning that a test said they were not compatible?

From my memory, we were so "in love" that nothing could slow us down.


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