Feeling nervous about sex...

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
sobocime

Feeling nervous about sex...

Postby sobocime » Tue Jan 07, 2014 6:47 pm

Hi, first time poster here :)

My fiance and I have been together for almost two and a half years now, and engaged since Thanksgiving. We both have some sexual "baggage" in our pasts- his, pornography (which has not plagued him since graduating high school five years ago, by the grace of God) and mine, a past relationship where things went way too far (no sex of any kind, again, by the grace of God, but still pushed past boundaries.) As a result, we decided that we were going to be super careful in our relationship- in fact, we didn't kiss until we about a month before we got engaged. I'm super thankful that I've been able to enjoy the relationship without guilt and have been looking forward to being married to him.

However, I'm finding that as the wedding day approaches- I feel mostly nervousness about sex! This is strange for me, because I've always been someone who really looked forward to that aspect of marriage- in fact, my strong sense of sexuality is what got me into so much trouble in my past relationship. It's not the mechanics of sex that freaks me out, it's more the expectations. I'm afraid that my sex drive won't match his (though I have no indications it won't). I think my brain plays out the worst case scenarios, which are either a) I'll have to hurt him and our marriage by turning him down a lot, or b) I'll have to resign myself to doing something I don't enjoy all the time. I want us to have sex a lot, and I want to desire him a lot- but my fears that I won't "measure up" are getting in the way of just being excited about it.

I've spoken to him about this, and he is his usual sweet self- he smiles and me and says, "Oh honey, marriage is about more than sex. We'll figure it out together." True, marriage is about more than sex- but sex is very important to marriage. Also, I love him a lot and want him to be satisfied with our sex life.

I would love any words of encouragement you guys could give me- I get too "in my head" sometimes and anxiety results!

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Re: Feeling nervous about sex...

Postby Hiswifeagain » Tue Jan 07, 2014 8:29 pm

My advice is pray for sexual healing. Make sure you've asked for forgiveness (I'm sure you have already but just in case) and forgive yourself. Read the Sexually Confident v Wife by Shannon Ethridge and Sheila Wray Gregoire's book the Good Girls Guide to Sex. If you're not much of a reader YouTube has the Peasant Princess series by Mark Driscoll. You need to really understand that sex is blessed in marriage and its for you every bit as much as it's for him.
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Re: Feeling nervous about sex...

Postby Learning1 » Tue Jan 07, 2014 8:36 pm

Hi Sobocime,

Welcome ! Congrats on your engagement!

About a month ago I had the same worries. Every once in awhile the worries/fears return. Will be married in Feb, almost less than a month away. :D

sobocime wrote: I want us to have sex a lot, and I want to desire him a lot- but my fears that I won't "measure up" are getting in the way of just being excited about it.



Your wants & desires are more powerful than your fears. And you are openly discussing it & communicating your fears & concerns with you finance, which is awesome.

I would encourage you to pray about your concerns/worries. I tend to worry & over-analyze and the below scriptures help me regarding fear & worry.

Ps 34:4 I sought the Lord and he answered me, he delivered me from all my fears.

A personal favorite from the message translation of Philippians 4:6,7

"Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life."

My fiancé and I both believe that sex is a huge part of marriage and in discussing my various marital worries with my fiance he says, "don't buy trouble".

And he says just because others have these issues doesn't mean we will or we won't, we will solve them together if we do have any issues related to sex or anything else.

Important thing is that you/we know how to communicate and not afraid to communicate about potential problems and issues now, with our future husbands, so hopefully we will be able to continue to communicate and resolve issues as they may arise in our marriage.

We both want to be generous and considerate of each other in all things. So our marriage grows. I know you want the same or won't be posting.

Hope that helps !
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Feeling nervous about sex...

Postby seeking perspective » Tue Jan 07, 2014 8:43 pm

sobocime wrote:
I've spoken to him about this, and he is his usual sweet self- he smiles and me and says, "Oh honey, marriage is about more than sex. We'll figure it out together." True, marriage is about more than sex- but sex is very important to marriage. Also, I love him a lot and want him to be satisfied with our sex life.


Welcome to TMB!
.
It's good that you want your future husband to be satisfied with your sex life. Remember, as HWA says, that your sex life is just as much for you. Figuring it out together is part of the fun of sex. Exploring together, learning how to understand each other, and learning how to communicate are all part of marriage--in and out of the bedroom. Your husband will be learning how to have a sexual relationship just as you will.

The best way to measure up is to be completely present in your marriage bed--heart and mind as well as body.

Enjoy!

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Re: Feeling nervous about sex...

Postby SeekingChange » Tue Jan 07, 2014 8:56 pm

Welcome! :wave

I am wondering, has your fiance had any struggles with staying within boundaries while you have been dating? Or, have you 'seen' sexual interest beyond just words?

I'm not trying to be a 'downer', but it seems like I've heard too many stories where there was no struggle while dating, and then it became an immediate 'refusing' situation when married. (My sister, and former husband, are one of those stories...)
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, find comfort, survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years...then she did something new.

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Re: Feeling nervous about sex...

Postby C_Brown » Tue Jan 07, 2014 9:31 pm

Chemically in your body, there is no difference between nervousness and excitement. The difference is in the mind, what you tell yourself you are feeling. Re-brand those feelings as being excited about having sex with your husband.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

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Re: Feeling nervous about sex...

Postby jokerman » Tue Jan 07, 2014 10:21 pm

You wouldn't be normal if you weren't nervous. Just the basic fact that you will soon be naked with each other is enough to make you feel a bit overwhelmed, because that's awesomely intimate. Just take ownership of the nervousness and don't feel bad that you've got nerves. Try to make it a happy nervousness, like when you're about to board a roller coaster.

azureblue33

Re: Feeling nervous about sex...

Postby azureblue33 » Mon Jan 13, 2014 9:07 pm

sobocime wrote:This is strange for me, I'm afraid that my sex drive won't match his (though I have no indications it won't). I think my brain plays out the worst case scenarios, which are either a) I'll have to hurt him and our marriage by turning him down a lot, or b) I'll have to resign myself to doing something I don't enjoy all the time. I want us to have sex a lot, and I want to desire him a lot- but my fears that I won't "measure up" are getting in the way of just being excited about it.


When I got married, I learned how truly selfish I can be. (Got a second dose of that lesson when DD came along.) There will certainly be times when you don't feel like it, when you are tired or preoccupied or already fully dressed. Feelings are deceptive. If we only ever do what "feels" good at the time, we'd be unemployed, alone, and fallen away from God.

Pray now about those times. Pray for the attitude of a cheerful giver, for renewing energy, for wisdom. Resolve now to be a willing partner regardless of sex drive. As his wife, you are his only partner. Your body is no longer yours alone. Realize what a gift you can give your husband--yourself and all of it!


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