Potential problem

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
Stumoo
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Potential problem

Postby Stumoo » Tue Jan 21, 2014 5:16 pm

My fiancée went to have an IUD fitted last week, but it didn't happen because of PAIN and CRAMPING, oh geez the CRAMPING! I don't know if I'm being overdramatic but I probably not, she's not a wimp.

Erm, so basically since it hurt having the speculum in (and they didn't get much further than that), she has expressed jokingly that nothing's going in there, we're not going to have sex, and things like that. Clearly she's not serious, but I am a little worried that this will have created some fear and she wont be able to relax on the wedding night. I know all the advice; take it slow, use lots of lube and so forth. But should I encourage her to stretch out before the wedding, and how much? Just a few times when bathing? Or on a very regular basis?

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Re: Potential problem

Postby InGodsGrace » Tue Jan 21, 2014 7:25 pm

Well, the speculum NEVER feels great. (It hurts). Has she ever had a vaginal/GYN exam?

Stretching is a good thing to do, if she needs to. She can buy some dial arroz online. Or simple, use one or two fingers and stetch it with some lube. I never did this, so I'm not really sure how that all works.

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Re: Potential problem

Postby robin » Tue Jan 21, 2014 9:16 pm

A gyn exam and sex are two entirely different things.

And getting an IUD inserted is never ever a highlight. Punching through the cervix HURTS! Especially if she was on a day of her cycle where her cervix wasn't soft and open. Yikes. I'm actually surprised the doctor was willing to insert an IUD into a woman who's never had kids or sex for that matter.
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Re: Potential problem

Postby HisHarbor » Wed Jan 22, 2014 12:54 am

IUDs hurt, especially if she has never given birth.

Oddly, a month before we were married, I got my first pap and thought it went lovely... not too bad. Then a couple months ago, I got my second. After two years of marriage, that thing HURT! So much of it has to do with the gyn and the speculum. I wouldn't think that much of it.

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Re: Potential problem

Postby poetess » Wed Jan 22, 2014 5:45 am

This is kinda off topic, but something you'll want to know if you're pro-life: the IUD works by preventing implantation. It doesn't stop conception, so many Christians consider it a form of early abortion. She might just be having a great opportunity to say, "No, let's do something different instead."
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: Potential problem

Postby rn » Wed Jan 22, 2014 6:48 am

poetess wrote:the IUD works by preventing implantation

That's not universally agreed upon. I had a very pro life Christian ob gyn tell me the mirena works by preventing ovulation. I have one and have been very happy with it.

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Re: Potential problem

Postby Learning1 » Wed Jan 22, 2014 9:00 am

I would encourage her to stretch out. I would recommend daily, perhaps each time she showers or takes a bath.

Trips to the gyn are always a horrid experience for me on so many levels, so I feel for your FW.
As someone who has had no sex I've always had to use the smallest speculum, even referred to it as the pediatric size.

I would make sure they are using the smallest speculum available, should be a no brainer or for the doctor, but just verify. Even with using the smallest speculum sometimes I had problems with it other times I didn't.

At my visit for a pre-marriage check up I had a frank conversation with the Doctor & RN about first time sex and potential "honeymoon problems", as I am one for the detail and knowing all the info I can get ahead of time.

Questions I asked & Info Doc volunteered - some of it is kinda obvious but still good to hear.

Sex is different than medical exam (what the other posters have stated)
Do I have any hymen left that would cause pain, be problematic ?
How "tight" am I relatively speaking and will it be a problem ?
Discussed Importance of being aroused , relaxed and lubricated.
The Doctor did recommend stretching using fingers or buying a set of dilators, he said no harm can come from gentle stretching
I asked about the best position to use.
Recommended trying out lubes ahead of time various lubes to see which ones liked.

Also we:
Reviewed prevention of, signs, symptoms & treatment for potential UTI on the Honeymoon
Doctor gave me what he referred to as a "short script" for antibiotics if needed as we will be in a third world country.
Made me promise that if I used the scipt I would make a follow-up appt when I returned

Birth control is not on our rador as FH has had a vascetemy from a prior marriage so I can't offer any insight
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

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Re: Potential problem

Postby padsnd » Wed Jan 22, 2014 1:14 pm

Stumoo wrote:Erm, so basically since it hurt having the speculum in (and they didn't get much further than that), she has expressed jokingly that nothing's going in there, we're not going to have sex, and things like that.


Stretching and all is important.

I would revisit these comments though. You list two things and the say things like that. To me, that sounds like something that was said so many times you can't remember all the ways. That doesn't just sound like joking, and sometimes we joke to disguise a real thought, fear, etc. Beyond that, this is not really something to joke about. You two need to have a serious conversation about this where you can talk about it without any hint that the message is filled with joking.
padsnd

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Re: Potential problem

Postby robin » Wed Jan 22, 2014 2:30 pm

padsnd wrote:
Stumoo wrote:Erm, so basically since it hurt having the speculum in (and they didn't get much further than that), she has expressed jokingly that nothing's going in there, we're not going to have sex, and things like that.


Stretching and all is important.

I would revisit these comments though. You list two things and the say things like that. To me, that sounds like something that was said so many times you can't remember all the ways. That doesn't just sound like joking, and sometimes we joke to disguise a real thought, fear, etc. Beyond that, this is not really something to joke about. You two need to have a serious conversation about this where you can talk about it without any hint that the message is filled with joking.


If you choose to follow this advice please be sure to include the caveat that you have zero desire to hurt her or push yourself on her even when it hurts. There is no need to minimize her pain or fear of pain. There is also no need to give it lots and lots of physical and emotional space either.
Biting is excellent! It's like kissing only there's a winner! - Idris

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Re: Potential problem

Postby George B. » Thu Jan 23, 2014 8:07 am

She may want to try stretching out before the wedding night. My DW did some of that after the OB/GYN told her that she was extremely "narrow and tight" down there and we also did insertion of one, then two and finally three fingers before attempting insertion of the penis. Even with all that, going slow, using plenty of lube, relaxation techniques, etc, it took us a while before we were able to have full PIV sex. This is not an uncommon experience, particularly is the problem is compounded by physical disparity between the bride and her new husband. However, it eventually works out. It did with us! and things were great and have been great for 17 years. So put things in perspective, take it slow and make sure to reassure her that you wont' push things too fast and let her determine the speed at which first entry happens.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Potential problem

Postby HisWarrior » Thu Jan 23, 2014 1:15 pm

Does she use tampons? If she uses tampons, having sex shouldn't be a problem...maybe a bit painful at first, but not impossible.

Few things:

1. She was probably nervous at her Dr's and that can tighten things up.

2. Perhaps she is unsure about that method of birth control and psychologically made it impossible.

3. She wants validation and sympathy from you. That is likely why she is joking about never having sex. Reassure her you'll make sure she is relaxed, pleased and ready. Comfort her for the pain she endured. Believe me. It helps. When I went on birth control pills, I vomited every 1/2 an hour for 11 hours straight. When I told my future hubby, he shrugged his shoulders and never acknowledged what I was going through. It hurt. You are a part of this, so make sure you are there for her and reassure her.

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Re: Potential problem

Postby Stumoo » Fri Jan 24, 2014 1:52 am

padsnd wrote:
Stumoo wrote:Erm, so basically since it hurt having the speculum in (and they didn't get much further than that), she has expressed jokingly that nothing's going in there, we're not going to have sex, and things like that.


Stretching and all is important.

I would revisit these comments though. You list two things and the say things like that. To me, that sounds like something that was said so many times you can't remember all the ways. That doesn't just sound like joking, and sometimes we joke to disguise a real thought, fear, etc. Beyond that, this is not really something to joke about. You two need to have a serious conversation about this where you can talk about it without any hint that the message is filled with joking.


Hehe no, my FW only said it a couple of times, immediately after she left the doctor's. I have no doubt that she wants to make love to me as much as I do her, because we have talked about it (and she is generally physically affectionate so I don't think either of us has a fear of intimacy). I'm not worried that she's serious about that, however, this painful episode means that I do want to get more info now and encourage her to take action so that our first time won't hurt her.

FW is going for an exam next week and I'll discuss with her a list of things to ask about. Thanks for your advice Learning1, I already mentioned to her the prevention of UTIs (good way to put a damper on the honeymoon, I hear). I will encourage her to ask if there's any remains of her hymen that could cause problems, and if she is unusually tight (or just normal for a virgin).

rn, I too have read that IUDs prevent fertilisation, and while are capable of preventing implantation, there will almost never be a viable embryo to implant anyway - can't say 100% as the mechanism of action is still under debate though.

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Re: Potential problem

Postby George B. » Sat Jan 25, 2014 12:04 am

Stumoo wrote:Hehe no, my FW only said it a couple of times, immediately after she left the doctor's. I have no doubt that she wants to make love to me as much as I do her, because we have talked about it (and she is generally physically affectionate so I don't think either of us has a fear of intimacy). I'm not worried that she's serious about that, however, this painful episode means that I do want to get more info now and encourage her to take action so that our first time won't hurt her.

FW is going for an exam next week and I'll discuss with her a list of things to ask about. Thanks for your advice Learning1, I already mentioned to her the prevention of UTIs (good way to put a damper on the honeymoon, I hear). I will encourage her to ask if there's any remains of her hymen that could cause problems, and if she is unusually tight (or just normal for a virgin).


glad to hear that you two have talked and there's reassurance there. I think you're approaching this the right way. If she asks the right questions of her doctor, then that should give you guys a decent idea of what to expect going into your wedding night. You may want to keep this in mind though: depending on what she finds out from the doctor, and the unique situation of how the two of you will "fit" together, you may not be able to have pain-free sex on your wedding night, and it's possible that you may not be able to do it at all. I hope that's not the case, and after all, the vast majority of couples have little to no trouble on their wedding nights, honeymoons, and afterwards. But you want to be mentally and emotionally prepared for all possibilities and ready to be generous to one another and set your marriage off on the right foot in this area.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

azureblue33

Re: Potential problem

Postby azureblue33 » Sat Feb 01, 2014 9:51 am

rn wrote:
poetess wrote:the IUD works by preventing implantation

That's not universally agreed upon. I had a very pro life Christian ob gyn tell me the mirena works by preventing ovulation. I have one and have been very happy with it.

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+1

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Re: Potential problem

Postby Stumoo » Sat Feb 01, 2014 1:57 pm

azureblue33 wrote:
rn wrote:
poetess wrote:the IUD works by preventing implantation

That's not universally agreed upon. I had a very pro life Christian ob gyn tell me the mirena works by preventing ovulation. I have one and have been very happy with it.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk

+1


That's most likely true... but we don't want hormonal birth control, FW has a condition that may be exacerbated by progesterone. Copper IUDs prevent fertilisation, or so I've read.

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Re: Potential problem

Postby Thepinkveggie » Fri Feb 21, 2014 12:55 am

Warm, hard but semi flexible penis vs cold, metal speculum.
Hmmmm, yeah, no brainer. Ntm, arousal makes all the difference. My
Husband is not a small man and he doesn't hurt me, but a speculum is still AWFUL! Even
After delivering a 7 lb baby vaginally. It will be totally different.

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Re: Potential problem

Postby George B. » Fri Feb 21, 2014 1:01 am

Thepinkveggie wrote:Warm, hard but semi flexible penis vs cold, metal speculum.
Hmmmm, yeah, no brainer. Ntm, arousal makes all the difference. My
Husband is not a small man and he doesn't hurt me, but a speculum is still AWFUL! Even
After delivering a 7 lb baby vaginally. It will be totally different.


yep. my DW said the same thing pretty much. Even though we had a lot of trouble making things work until our first baby was born, she always said it was worlds better than any speculum. And yes, after delivering a baby, she said that things were different--in fact, we were able to have pain-free sex for the first time, which was incredible.
On sex: "Neither men nor women will be asked to throw away the weapon they have used victoriously. It is the beaten and the fugitives who throw away their swords. The conquerors sheathe theirs and retain them."-C.S. Lewis

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Re: Potential problem

Postby Pandaschatz » Wed Mar 05, 2014 12:43 pm

To the OP:
I have the copper IUD, Paragard. When I got it inserted, I had never given birth and was a virgin. Every experience is different, but if I can offer some help and comfort, here is my experience and some tips. I am not a healthcare professional.

We went with Paragard for several reasons:
-We are not ready to conceive for at least several years
-We did NOT want to go with hormonal, but also needed something that was extremely reliable. (Statistically, Paragard is MORE effective than a vasectomy.)
-When we are ready to conceive we want to be able to do so quickly.
-I am TERRIBLE about remembering to take pills, or do anything on a consistent, regular basis.
-We both sleep talk, sleep walk, among other things, and so condoms were out. The last thing we wanted was wonderful sleepy sex followed by a panic of "We didn't wrap you up first!"
-We looked at the side effects and agreed they were worth it. My periods were relatively mild before Paragard. If she (and you) are willing to tough it out for the first few months, I can tell you the peace of mind is absolutely worth it. Unlike hormonal BC, which has to be taken EVERY day, meaning you deal with the side effects EVERY day, these last 7 days out of the month, and then nothing.

In the interest of full disclosure though, The first month was pretty rough. The insertion triggered my period again after having it only a week before, and I became slightly anemic. The cramps have been rough, and there was a lot of bleeding the first few days. But each month (I've had it since July), the bleeding gets lighter and the cramps improve. And you know what? It's totally worth the peace of mind. All hubby has to do is check the strings every once and awhile (which basically means he gives me MS/OS, oh the inconvenience :D )

If she is willing to try again, here is what I recommend:
-Go visit a midwife, they are qualified to talk to you about birth control and to insert IUDs. I have nothing against OBGYNs, but midwives tend to be a little more down-to-earth and not so wrapped up in the pharmaceuticals. Midwives tend to have more time to build relationships with their patients. Your FW can also ask questions about sex, with or without you in the room. Our midwife was very professional, but also very honest. To me, it was like talking to a knowledgeable girl friend. A good midwife will have seen plenty of women before who are virgins, so she should be very respectful and understanding of your FW's fears. This was just our preference though. If you are in the Southwest, I can recommend our midwife to you.

Regarding the prolife concern: my husband and I researched this extensively, even taking home our midwife's giant reference book. There is NO evidence that Paragard prevents implementation after fertilization. The sperm just can't make it that far. Hubby and I sometimes make jokes that we are sending his boys "to their doom." The reason Paragard works, as I am sure you already know, is because copper is a natural spermcide.
-Before insertion, she should drink plenty of water and take a mild pain medication (Ib profin, aleve, whatever she prefers). If the doctor/midwife is willing, request some valium as well. This will help easy anxiety, and allow for sleep after insertion.
-Before insertion, she should also start an iron supplement/multi vitamin, or eat lots of spinach, peanuts and steak :-) to keep her iron levels up.
-She should go during her period or right after. This is when the cervical opening is at its widest.
-You or a close friend/family member should drive her home after the procedure. Have a heating pad and more pain meds ready. Let her rest and sleep.
-If the cramps are bad, look into some essential oils. We use Dragon Time Massage Oil from Young Living. I am not sure of the science behind why it works, but boy does it work. Can be applied to her abdomen or put in her bath water. Smells wonderful, works almost instantly.
-Make an agreement, since you as the FH are part of the BC process, that you will take extra special care of her those first few months. Let her rest, cook her favorite foods (DH always makes me cookies), take up the slack on the chores.


I realize I am a bit late to the party, but I hope this helps. If you or FW have any more questions about what having Paragard is like, please feel free to PM me.
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Re: Potential problem

Postby theycallmemommy » Wed Mar 05, 2014 9:16 pm

Just wanted to add that I had a Paraguard IUD inserted after my second baby. It was very, very painful for me and most gyn exams are extremely uncomfortable, even after having babies. But sex (other than the very first time) has not been painful at all.

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Re: Potential problem

Postby Stumoo » Fri Mar 07, 2014 5:35 pm

Pandaschatz wrote:To the OP:
I have the copper IUD, Paragard. When I got it inserted, I had never given birth and was a virgin. Every experience is different, but if I can offer some help and comfort, here is my experience and some tips. I am not a healthcare professional.


Thanks for all the advice! Take two is later this month; FW has had an exam since, which was not nearly so bad, it seems taking tramadol helped. That's a pretty serious painkiller but she will only take it again when having the IUD fitted. As the appointment is booked we can't really switch to a midwife now. Besides, you're in the southwest of where? We live in the south of England :P

It's nice to be reassured that the copper IUD is a contraceptive. I am aware of all the research and medical opinion that they could prevent implantation, but I was also aware this is outdated and I reckon what you say is true.

Because the previous attempt was unsuccessful, we will only have 2 periods to judge the effect of the IUD (one very shortly before the wedding), assuming having it fitted doesn't mess with the schedule! FW has some iron pills already so we're ready to combat potential anaemia. If it really doesn't work and has to be removed I think we'll go with a diaphram. Neither of us likes the idea of condoms, and hormonal is out because progesterone would worsen a pre-existing hypermobility condition. And as for taking extra special care of her, of course, I already do :wink:


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