Future Husband Doesn't Believe in Being "Generous"

[RVC]

This is my first time posting, but I've seen some great advice on the boards so I hope you all can help. My FH and I were talking about boundaries in our sexual life once we are married and he revealed that he believes oral sex is a form of defilement. For some reason this really bothered me. I'm all for staying within the biblical parameters of sex, but I really have problem adding to them.

I have waited and I am a virgin, as is FH, but I really was looking forward to freedom in the marriage bed. One of my problems is I'm wondering will there be more restrictions? Are positions going to be restricted too? I guess I'm thrown for a loop because I always assumed that as the virgin bride I would be more prudish, but the more we talk I think its him. Is there anyway to expand his thinking? Are there Bible verses I can use? I already used Hebrews 13:4 "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled." He wasn't buying it. I think part of the problem is I grew up in a family that is more open about sex and I was raised that once your married, you can basically just go for it (so to speak). Whereas his family is very puritan. I don't want to feel judged in my own bedroom. Any advice would be helpful.

[George B.]

His attitude certainly concerns me. It sounds like he may have a lot of unBiblical teaching going into your marriage, and it may take more than a couple of scriptures to get him on a different track, if that's the way he was raised. This sounds like something you two need to have a serious conversation about before you marry, possibly with your premarital counselor, so you can work through this before you're married, if possible.

1 Corinthians 7 addresses this issue in general in regards to husbands and wives giving each other their bodies freely and unashamedly, not holding back.

Likewise, a read-through of Song of Songs strongly hints at the bride and her husband enjoying oral caresses: Song of Songs 2:3, 4:16, 5:1, 6:2-3 and 8:2 for example.

Here's a link to an article on the subject, written by a Christian woman: http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2010/09/0 ... oral-s-ex/

Hope that helps!

[InGodsGrace]

I see some major red flags. Between this and his mommy attachment, its really not good.

Get in contact with you pastor asap.

[Leah]

Please call your pastor. I, personally, would not move forward with wedding plans until this is resolved.

[txtwindad]

This is hugely concerning. You need counseling and get VERY specific about various sex acts and the concept of generosity. Don't be afraid to end the relationship if he is dogmatic and unteachable on these topics. A lifetime tied to a man screwed up about these things will not be good. On the other hand he may have some misconceptions that can be corrected. Get the correcting done well before the wedding. Is your pastor likely to be a help with this or is he likely to have hang ups too?

[padsnd]

I agree with others. This bad teaching gets resolved before any future wedding plans continue.

There is a distinct difference between saying one finds OS, or any other act, distasteful or not something they think they would prefer and calling it defilement. Defilement assumes that the entire act is contrary to God's design and intended to pervert that design in some way. It is one of those "buzz-words" that is too often used to declare things wrong with no reason given. If he truly believes it defiles a person, find out why. If he believes that OS does this, I suspect that he has other negative thoughts about sex too. Get this addressed now as "part" of premarital counseling.


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[happilymarriedkate]

I agree with all of the above. There are many real life accounts on these boards about spouses who saw red flags while engaged but thought the skewed thinking would somehow resolve itself once married. It seems that it usually does not, and that these thoughts, when not shared by the other spouse, lead to a lifetime of resentment, rejection and heartache. I read about it over and over on these boards and it is very sad. Praying for you!

[librarian DFC]

Okay, everyone is red-flagging your FH, and I am too.

But here are a couple of resources for you to use as you move forward from here. The Pure Bed has some resources that will help you clarify your situation. First, for you, read the short articles on Christian Sex and Biblical Principles. You say you were looking forward to the freedom of the marriage bed, and these might be able to help you clarify your thinking, so that you can express your beliefs and desires to him.

To get an idea of what he thinks is and is not permissable in a Marriage Bed, Christian or otherwise, the two of you sit down and fill out a copy of Pure Bed's Intimate Choices Survey. This is pretty specific and blunt, and helps each partner know where the other is coming from.

(btw, if he faints dead away or becomes enraged at the survey, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.)

[jokerman]

At first, in the blush of newlywed-dom, such a hesitation by your partner is a minor annoyance ("I wish he/she wanted to do that"). Later, when they're pretty committed to never changing their mind over months/years/decades, it moves into the deep depths of heartache.

I think you're luckier than most in that you have seen a red flag at a time when you can actually do something about it. Wanting your spouse to devour you, to consume you, is natural; it is the desire to be loved passionately and unconditionally. When someone tells you they're more in love with rules and boundaries than your own body, it is profoundly hurtful (and it's really annoying when they're using your shared faith as the reason for driving this wedge between you).

I agree with the others. Put a halt to things, now.

[SuperGrover]

What they ↑↑↑ just said!

So if he's really not willing to seriously work through this, then you've got two words for him.

BUH. BYE.

It's far easier to exit a marriage that was never entered into. Red flags are there for a reason.

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[txtwindad]

When someone tells you they're more in love with rules and boundaries than your own body, it is profoundly hurtful (and it's really annoying when they're using your shared faith as the reason for driving this wedge between you).

A profound statement, JM.

[CandC320]

The question I would have for you is, do you think he is "teachable"? Is he open to considering new things? I'm sure there are some on TMB that started out with some "firm" standards but found a change of mind over a period of time. If he is not a "teachable" person, you might be stuck with "vanilla" sex for your entire marriage. You might suggest that you both read one of the many Christian books on married sex and then discuss it. You might get some insight into his teach-ability. Pray hard and seek God's wisdom in this.

DH

[Kilarin]

Could you talk your fiancée into coming onto these forums so we can discuss the issue with him?

[convicted]

RVC, what are your thoughts? Is the above advice what you expected, similar or far afield from what you were thinking?

[confident]

My parents both believe that oral sex is unbiblical and they have an excellent marriage. Can't say I'll be following in their footsteps but his dislike of oral sex doesn't necessarily mean that you won't have an intimate sex life.

Always good to talk about your expectations before you actually tie the knot.

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[HisWarrior]

My parents both believe that oral sex is unbiblical and they have an excellent marriage. Can't say I'll be following in their footsteps but his dislike of oral sex doesn't necessarily mean that you won't have an intimate sex life.

Always good to talk about your expectations before you actually tie the knot.

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The key word in your statement is BOTH. Both your parents agreed that OS is unbiblical. They were in one accord on that. That in itself is intimate.

But when spouses are on polar opposites about certain sex acts, intimacy is harder to achieve.

[Bloke]

I think you have issues to discuss, but I would not be quite so alarmist as some of the above comments. Nervelessness, it would be prudent to discuss your expectations.

[Leah]

They are ten weeks from the wedding. I would not move forward with wedding plans until the issue is resolved. We've seen this before. Significant difference in belief about sex rarely goes in favor of the higher-drive, more mature spouse.

[Job29Man]

The OP hasn't returned since her first day of posting in March. Let's let her return to comment before continuing this discussion. Thanks.