Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
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TheTigress
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Mon Apr 14, 2014 11:52 am

Oh and Robin I love your signature!!! :) That's a great episode of Doctor Who!!!

LOL my favorite quote was too long to be my signature. It's from "The Girl Who Waited"

You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.

FH is the most beautiful man I've ever met. :D
Together or not at all- Amy Pond

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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby robin » Mon Apr 14, 2014 9:35 pm

Beauty4Ashes10 wrote:Thanks SO MUCH for your response and advice! I know that not being self-concious about my body enough to give myself freely is something I'll have to consciously work on. It's something I've dealt with almost my whole life and so it's a hard thing to just "switch off" but I'm determined not to be that way!

I do think part of my weight issue is CSA related, it's not something that's been in the fore-front of my mind but it's a thought that's crossed my path many times. When I've diligently tried to lose weight I get scared something bad will happen to me.... so yea it's an issue.


I get it, I really do. Fear of being abused again is a big concern because it's so icky. I ended up being assaulted YEARS after the CSA was long over and after I was congratulating myself for shutting down the long term abuse from my second abuser. Why? Freak radar. I was still broadcasting "I'm a victim" and predators can zero in on that before you even notice they are there. Think about what you are projecting to the world for a minute. You are out in public and you notice a creepy looking dude is watching you, you move to a different area of wherever you are at and you notice him again, still watching you. It's going to freak you out right? Bring all those fears up to the surface. But you also have to ask what is he seeing? What a predator sees when they look at you is what counseling and self defense class fix.

I've also wanted to get into a self-defense class or something similar for years! I'll definitely check into soon. My problem with that is money. My FH and I are doing school via Distance Education, although we will be moving back to the town our University is located in when we get married because FH does better with in person classes. So no "Free" classes I can attend right now. Money is really tight but this is something I really want to do so I will discuss with FH and see what he thinks we can work out. Thankfully I can attend counseling for free through the school even though I am a DE (Distance Education) student.


Check your local police department and hospital. Both of ours put on quarterly self defense for women classes at free to low cost and I live in a tiny community. They are just one day classes but they are good and I used to attend each and every one of them. Check into the available classes at local gyms and even community groups. I've taken just about every self defense class available since my freshmen year in high school and paid anything from nothing to $20 a month and once bartered babysitting for having my fees waived. Though I admit, it's been 12 years since I have been able to attend a class due to my back and leg injury so prices might have gone up a bit. If you check classes out and they truly aren't affordable then rent video's from your local library or your school or even pick up one really good one on Amazon. Punching bags are also relatively cheap (kick boxing is super fun!) and great for practice. We even found one at a yard sale once that we paid $5 for and our current one was purchased at a sporting goods store for $30 with a coupon. Doing it at home isn't the same as a classroom setting, but still effective and it doesn't have to cost a lot.

As far as the Wounded Heart is concerned I'm not very far into the book. It's absolutely emotionally exhausting! It's forced me to deal with issues and memories I had pushed aside and purposely ignored for so long. UGH I remember the first day in my counselors office just retelling different things that I hadn't spoken out loud in YEARS. I left that session and met back up with FH and though we had planned to hang with friends that night we just went home instead because I couldn't handle being around anybody (introvert) because I was already completely drained.

Sometimes all I can get through is one question in a day. Some days I just want to give it up and not work through it but counseling and FH have been very encouraging that the pain is worth the healing.


Yeah, the Wounded Heart is a brutal book. It took me multiple copies to get through it because I would get so angry I would destroy it. If you aren't finished with it by the time of the wedding do yourself a favor and put it away for a couple weeks. You don't want to go through your wedding and honeymoon with all that terrible stuff churning through your brain. I really believe the book is what has your anxiety level ramped up and your fears running high right now. I can read just about anything on sexual abuse and not get anywhere near as upset as I would going through even a single page of The Wounded Heart. It's too bad no one has written something comparably helpful that is less triggering. Or if they have it hasn't become the gold standard that TWH is. It's a worthwhile read, it's just a pretty rough one if you've been there.

Let me assure of something though, the pain of counseling and reading through TWH is good pain. It has a purpose and it's worth every single bit of it to be on the other side and to cross that chasm from victim to survivor. Work hard in counseling because it's worth it. Get good tools like positive self talk and use them to get you through the inevitable triggers that will be showing up and keep fighting, never giving up. The abusers commit the crime, but it's us, the survivors who get the life sentence. How we spend that sentence is up to us. It isn't right, it isn't fair, it can't be undone and for me at least it's actually okay because it made me become stronger through it. That strength allows me to be closer to God and to truly appreciate the good things in my life that I had to fight for that otherwise might have been taken for granted or that I might have self destructively thrown away.

Your love for your fiancee and hopes and dreams you have for your marriage and a healthy YOU are things worth fighting for.
Biting is excellent! It's like kissing only there's a winner! - Idris

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robin
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby robin » Mon Apr 14, 2014 9:39 pm

Beauty4Ashes10 wrote:Oh and Robin I love your signature!!! :) That's a great episode of Doctor Who!!!

LOL my favorite quote was too long to be my signature. It's from "The Girl Who Waited"


:D Thanks! I'm a rabid Doctor Who fan! That was a really good episode and my hubby is always quoting the line "Watch out for that one. She bites." when I take little nibbles at him. :wink:

You know when sometimes you meet someone so beautiful and then you actually talk to them and five minutes later they're as dull as a brick? Then there's other people, when you meet them you think, "Not bad. They're okay." And then you get to know them and... and their face just sort of becomes them. Like their personality's written all over it. And they just turn into something so beautiful.

FH is the most beautiful man I've ever met. :D


I love that. Your FH sounds like an amazing man. You are truly blessed.
Biting is excellent! It's like kissing only there's a winner! - Idris

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Allons-y
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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby Allons-y » Mon Apr 14, 2014 11:11 pm

robin wrote: "Watch out for that one. She bites." when I take little nibbles at him. :wink:


"I like biting. It's like kissing, but with a winner."

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There are three things which are too wonderful for me, four which I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a serpent on a rock, the way of a ship in the middle of the sea, and the way of a man with a maid. Proverbs 30:18-19

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Re: Overweight, OS, and wedding night jitters

Postby TheTigress » Tue Apr 15, 2014 6:38 pm


Yeah, the Wounded Heart is a brutal book. It took me multiple copies to get through it because I would get so angry I would destroy it. If you aren't finished with it by the time of the wedding do yourself a favor and put it away for a couple weeks. You don't want to go through your wedding and honeymoon with all that terrible stuff churning through your brain. I really believe the book is what has your anxiety level ramped up and your fears running high right now. I can read just about anything on sexual abuse and not get anywhere near as upset as I would going through even a single page of The Wounded Heart. It's too bad no one has written something comparably helpful that is less triggering. Or if they have it hasn't become the gold standard that TWH is. It's a worthwhile read, it's just a pretty rough one if you've been there.

Let me assure of something though, the pain of counseling and reading through TWH is good pain. It has a purpose and it's worth every single bit of it to be on the other side and to cross that chasm from victim to survivor. Work hard in counseling because it's worth it. Get good tools like positive self talk and use them to get you through the inevitable triggers that will be showing up and keep fighting, never giving up. The abusers commit the crime, but it's us, the survivors who get the life sentence. How we spend that sentence is up to us. It isn't right, it isn't fair, it can't be undone and for me at least it's actually okay because it made me become stronger through it. That strength allows me to be closer to God and to truly appreciate the good things in my life that I had to fight for that otherwise might have been taken for granted or that I might have self destructively thrown away.

Your love for your fiancee and hopes and dreams you have for your marriage and a healthy YOU are things worth fighting for.


My counselor really echoed this today. The it's a good pain and it's worth the fight. I'm really encouraged to start working in the book again because I've been avoiding it like the plague for about 2-3 weeks.

I got really angry today while discussing some things with FH. I said I hate this it's stupid that I am this way and I have to deal with all of this. I don't like feeling this way with you it makes me angry!! I should be fearful with you!!

Ugh I hate the ups and downs of the emotions to. Sometimes I'm sad sometimes I'm hopeful and other times I'm angry or "insert intense emotion here". Blah!! I just want to scream.
Together or not at all- Amy Pond


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