Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
chachacha

Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby chachacha » Sat Apr 26, 2014 1:19 pm

Hi everyone! I'm thankful for this site and this forum.

I'm going to be married in a little over 3 months. I'm an over 40, first-time, virgin bride. (Shocking, I know.) My fiancee is not a virgin and has been married before. We drew boundary lines pretty early in dating and we really wanted to please God, so we've had a pretty chaste relationship. We hug, kiss, hold hands, but we are pretty careful about not stirring things up. So hugs are short and usually upper body only, kisses tend to be short - no french kissing, no laying down together etc. Even in our conversation is pretty chaste - we might talk about sex, but we aren't very explicit, aside from maybe two or three conversations that we had around the time we got engaged over a year ago. (We've been together for over 2 years now.) Now that we are so close to marrying, I want to reinitiate the conversations about sex, maybe with some good books. I have Intended For Pleasure, Sheet Music, and a couple of other Christian sex books - so it will just be a matter of us choosing one to discuss.

With that background, I have a few questions.

1. One of the things I'm concerned about is making the jump from a more restrictive relationship like the one we have, to a sexual one. For those who took this route, was it wierd or difficult? I can't imagine it is like flipping a light switch. How did you transition?

2. I've been preparing for the honeymoon and will be seeing a gynocologist soon to talk about birth control etc. I've been considering a dilator, but the thought of dilators freaks me out a little bit. I don't know why since PIV sex doesn't. (I'm really looking forward to that.) I've never even worn a tampon. Do you think that trying to wear a tampon or looking into getting a dilator from the gyno really makes that much of a difference on the wedding night?

3. I'm not really worried about other aspects of the honeymoon; I'm comfortable with my body, have had plenty of orgasms, and I'm a patient teacher :). I look forward to being a student and learning how to please my husband. I've been reading the basics, but have no practical experience. Are there any other things that I can possibly do to prepare? I'm sort of thinking that with some attention and care, that this part of our marriage will flow naturally. Is that a naive way to think about this area?

4. And finally, on a bit of an unrelated note; did anyone here quickly jump from fiancee, to wife, and mother? I'd love your advice on how to handle this! Also, because of my age, we'll probably be trying for children pretty shortly after we marry. I've been learning about birth control - who knew there were so many? I have to figure out which ones are best to use for someone who will be trying for kids within that first year. Seems like the patch might be my best bet, but I'll check with my doctor. Any advice on options I might want to consider are welcome.

Thanks for reading! Sorry this is long :)

Chachacha
Last edited by chachacha on Mon Apr 28, 2014 3:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
CandC320
Queen bed
Posts: 207
Joined: Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:12 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 4th, 1963
Gender: Male
Location: Upper Midwest USA

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby CandC320 » Sat Apr 26, 2014 1:54 pm

Welcome Aboard! I'm sure you will be getting some good feedback from the wives on your questions. As for question 1, we did not have any problem going from no sex to married sex. It was something we had been looking forward to and had a good biblical understanding that the MB was God given and to be enjoyed. God bless you in your coming marriage!

User avatar
The Knight's Lady
Hammock
Posts: 942
Joined: Sat Mar 15, 2008 5:21 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): June 24th, 2005
Gender: Female
Location: On an adventure!
Contact:

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby The Knight's Lady » Sat Apr 26, 2014 2:23 pm

Welcome! I would advise against any kind of hormonal birth control if you want to try for kids soon because it can take a long time for the body to get back to normal after HBC. I think you would be better served by sometime like FAM (fertility awareness method) which is charting your cycles and abstaining from sex or using a barrier method during the fertile window.

I highly recommend the book Taking charge of your fertility.

Congrats on your wedding,
Married to The Lady's Knight and mommy to our Little Knight and Little Lady

User avatar
robin
Under the stars
Posts: 2917
Joined: Sat Feb 04, 2006 1:22 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 31st, 1989
Gender: Female
Location: Peering through my hatehole

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby robin » Sat Apr 26, 2014 3:03 pm

Welcome to TMB and congrats on your engagement.

Poetess would be a good poster for you to talk to. She was a virgin bride in her 40's.

As for birth control, non hormonal is your best bet so condoms, diaphragm, cervical cap, sponges, vaginal contraceptive film etc. They won't impede fertility when you are ready to get pregnant and won't muck up your sex drive.

I doubt dialators are going to make much difference. Just pack an assortment of lubes for your honeymoon, a tube of vagisil and you should be good to go. Using muscles you aren't used to using might make you a little sore, a cold washcloth afterward or a warm bath will help with that.
Biting is excellent! It's like kissing only there's a winner! - Idris

User avatar
Learning1
Hammock
Posts: 1078
Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 2:06 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 15th, 2014
Gender: Female

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby Learning1 » Sat Apr 26, 2014 3:09 pm

HI chachacha, Luv your screen name & Congrats on your upcoming wedding.

I was also a late blooming bride. Very similar to you. DH was a widow, my first time marriage & first time sex. I think everyone's first time experiences are different based on so many factors.
chachacha wrote:1. One of the things I'm concerned about is making the jump from a more restrictive relationship like the one we have, to a sexual one. For those who took this route, was it wierd or difficult? I can't imagine it is like flipping a light switch. How did you transition? I'm not that concerned about making the transition, but I'm kind of concerned about my fiancee making it. It is something I'll talk with him about, but I was wondering about your experiences.

We did not have difficulty making a transition from a engaged relationship to sexual relationship. It wasn't weird. It was & seemed very natural. We had similar boundaries that you describe in your post. What is the basis of your concerns about your future husband making the transition ?
chachacha wrote:2. I've been preparing for the honeymoon and will be seeing a gynocologist soon to talk about birth control etc. I've been considering a dilator, but the thought of dilators freaks me out a little bit. I don't know why since PIV sex doesn't. (I'm really looking forward to that.) I've never even worn a tampon. Do you think that trying to wear a tampon or looking into getting a dilator from the gyno really makes that much of a difference on the wedding night?

I used a set of dilators to prepare. DH & I are both very glad that we did. For us I believe it made a difference. I have worn tampons since I was 13 & from my experience the size of a tampon or using a tampon to prepare for sex wouldn't have assisted us.
chachacha wrote:3. Are there any other things that I can possibly do to prepare? I'm sort of thinking that with some attention and care, that this part of our marriage will flow naturally. Is that a naive way to think about this area?

You have an awesome attitude.
To prepare, I would use aforementioned dilators. On honeymoon, bring anti-inflammatory medicine, vagasil, plenty of lube (make sure your lube choice is compatible with your birth control choice). Urinate after sex & drink plenty of water. I drank a lot of unsweetened cranberry jucie also.

Consider a script for antibotics, in case of a potential UTI. My gyn gave me one as were going to be in a third world country. Thankfully I didn't need to use them.

We brought, with us a foam wedge pillow, which we used alot and still do, I think that helped with first time sex. Also pay attention to angles, as it took us several attempts to find the right angle. A key for me was to stay relaxed. We brought some sex toys I was given, but we didn't use them.

I had very low expectations for first time sex. First time sex was so much better than I thought it would be. I didn't have any pain nor real significant discomfort. I had several orgasm, which I had never had prior. But I did deal with being very sore after PIV was over for much longer than I would have thought. Soreness still occurs from time to time but it is getting better.
Others have very different experiences. Some couples, it takes them weeks or even months to have PIV. Some women do not deal with being sore after sex.

I can't offer any insight on your fourth question as birth control & parenting are not all on our radar. DH had a vasectomy in his first marriage.
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.” C.S. Lewis

User avatar
C_Brown
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1351
Joined: Fri Jun 07, 2013 6:08 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 17th, 1984
Gender: Male

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby C_Brown » Sat Apr 26, 2014 6:23 pm

1. I'll leave that for the ladies to answer. I think most guys don't have an issue with it.

2. Is there some reason you think you'll need a dilator? In most cases a woman's vagina will accommodate her husband's penis just fine. It would be good to use some lube, coconut oil is a favorite here but it will break down latex so don't use it with condoms or diaphragms or sex toys that will be affected by it. For birth control I'd so go with a diaphragm, condoms really do change how it feels for the guy and the pill can have side effects you don't want.

3. The number one thing you need to do to be a fantastic lover is to be enthusiastic about making love. Not just the first night but time after time. You teach him what works for you and he teaches you what works for him and you learn to become the lover your spouse needs.

4. DW was pregnant a month after our wedding. Sometimes I wish we took it slower and had a longer time of it just being the two of us before jumping into parenthood because once you give up being just a couple you don't get back there for many, many years. But at the same time I don't regret having our first son when we did (most days :) ) We weren't your age however when we married so you also have to take into account that you are closing in on the time where a pregancy would be considered riskier. Talk together with your FH and pray and find what is best for you.
So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing -- Yvaine (in the movie Stardust)

ledgemoor
Under the stars
Posts: 3167
Joined: Mon Jul 11, 2005 7:31 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): May 3rd, 1982
Gender: Male

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby ledgemoor » Sat Apr 26, 2014 7:43 pm

Welcome Chachacha and congratulations.

That's great you are going to a gyn beforehand. We did before we married 30 years ago -- it was standard practice then. But you'd be surprised how many brides check in here now with problems during their honeymoons, and have never had a pelvic exam.

Menstrual fluid erodes the hymen, so that will probably not be a problem. Unless you are petite or your fiancée is unusually large, you probably won't have issues. Your gyn will advise. That said, it still wouldn't be a bad idea do get a set of dilators, stretch yourself with your fingers, or at least get a vibrator. It will give you peace-of-mind if nothing else.

I agree that hormonal birth control best be avoided. If you go that route, don't stay on it long. I can't recommend condoms for beginners (or a guy on his honeymoon who hasn't used one for a while). Too much room to get lost in the passion and make a mistake. We had an unplanned pregnancy with condoms after 10 years of marriage. Plus, they are a real emotional barrier, for me anyway.

We used a diaphragm at first. They used to be really popular. They are effective, easy to use, and do not interfere with the act. DW eventually became sensitive to the spermicide, hence the condoms.

All the best to you!
Everything you ever wanted in life is just outside your comfort zone (Jamie Lee Curtis)

chachacha

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby chachacha » Sun Apr 27, 2014 6:46 am

Thank for the warm welcome and for all of the marriage blessings as well as all of the advice. I was very surprised (and really happy) when I woke up this morning and checked this post. Wow! Lots of good advice here.

Thanks for the heads up on the hormonal forms of birth control. I'm going to take a closer look at the different methods and will talk with my GYN about our plans specifically. There are lots of methods, but it would be hard for me initially to take advantage of some of them (cervical cap, sponge, etc.)

Learning1, I was worried about my fiancee making the switch because he is pretty strict about the boundary lines. But, now that I think about it a bit more, he did say that the reason that he is firm with boundaries is because when he goes past a certain point it is very difficult for him to stop. In his previous marriage, they started the relationship with premarital sex, and he really regretted it - so he did not want to repeat that mistake. I respect him for that and don't push. I'm thinking that if we experience troubles with transitioning that we'll deal with it, but I'm not going to waste time worrying about something that might never happen.

C_Brown, I've been reading that the dilator can help you prepare for sex by helping you to stretch the vaginal muscles. This is the reason that I've been considering it. To be honest, I think I'd prefer for my husband to do the stretching for me, so I'll probably pack lots of lube and focus on relaxing. I don't think the soreness should be too bad.

Sometimes I can hardly believe that this time is coming so quickly! Our wedding day and honeymoon are right around the corner. I just ordered my dress yesterday and am hoping to nail down the major wedding prep items within the next week or two. :) I appreciate all of you for helping me to prepare for the honeymoon as well. Any other advice for me is greatly appreciated!
Last edited by chachacha on Mon Apr 28, 2014 4:06 am, edited 2 times in total.

User avatar
poetess
Under the stars
Posts: 3398
Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2012 8:47 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 8th, 2011
Gender: Female

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby poetess » Sun Apr 27, 2014 11:21 am

Congratulations and welcome!

I'm the above-mentioned Poetess, and your experience does sound a lot like mine. I was a first-time bride in my 40s, fully virginal (nothing past light kisses, discreet hugs, holding hands--we're both touchers and we touched a lot, but carefully--and we were careful never to be alone together behind closed doors), marrying a widower with kids. I was surgically sterile (hysterectomy), so in that aspect my experience wasn't the same. Also, I had never used tampons, and just a couple years before I married, a doctor had told me I had "a very tight hymen."

With that background, here are my answers:

1. One of the things I'm concerned about is making the jump from a more restrictive relationship like the one we have, to a sexual one.


This was no problem at all to us. None. I expected to feel a little shy about being seen naked (I've always been modest), but I wasn't. We had talked about sex a bit, but with discretion, and there had been a few light innuendoes. But we had been careful not to use too much detail (we never told the other if we were getting turned on, for example). On our wedding day we had a few moments alone after the ceremony, and that was the first time we'd spoken openly of present desire. (We had said such things as "I'm looking forward to our honeymoon" but not "You're turning me on.") Then he groped me briefly at a traffic light on our way to our first-night hotel, our first sexual touch. We married early enough in the day that we would have a good long evening together, and we were slow and romantic. Wine together, etc. No rushing anything, but no hesitations.

2. I've been considering a dilator, but the thought of dilators freaks me out a little bit. . . . Do you think that trying to wear a tampon or looking into getting a dilator from the gyno really makes that much of a difference on the wedding night?


I tried stretching with a different method than a dilator, but we didn't get all the way in on our wedding night. (That wasn't the end of the world for either of us; we still had a lot of sexual fun, and I told him I still considered myself to be not a virgin anymore.) So even 40-something brides can have an issue. See what your doctor says.

3. I'm not really worried about other aspects of the honeymoon; I'm comfortable with my body, have had plenty of orgasms, and I'm a patient teacher :). I look forward to being a student and learning how to please my husband. I've been reading the basics, but have no practical experience. Are there any other things that I can possibly do to prepare? I'm sort of thinking that with some attention and care, that this part of our marriage will flow naturally. Is that a naive way to think about this area?


Definitely plan on lots of lube (most brides need this, and we older ones definitely do--we use coconut oil because so many on this site recommended it that my husband told me we should try it). Read around this site, and plan on taking your time with all of it; don't rush. Consider things you can do together beforehand to relax, in whatever state of dress/undress feels comfortable. A bath together, a glass of champagne, a massage, passionate kissing. . . . How long it takes to get him inside isn't a contest. You'll remember this night the rest of your life, so make a night of it, rather than a race. No formula needed, though. Your reading will be helpful.

I would make sure he understands that you are different from his first wife and your body may not react the same way. Both of you need to know that he is almost as much a novice as you are. You're learning together!

4. And finally, on a bit of an unrelated note; did anyone here quickly jump from fiancee, to wife, and mother? I'd love your advice on how to handle this! Also, because of my age, we'll probably be trying for children pretty shortly after we marry. I've been learning about birth control - who knew there were so many? I have to figure out which ones are best to use for someone who will be trying for kids within that first year. Seems like the patch might be my best bet, but I'll check with my doctor. Any advice on options I might want to consider are welcome.


Yes, you're highly unlikely to get pregnant on your honeymoon, and it would be wise not to use anything long-term or hormonal. As I said, I never had to face that issue, but if I had, I think I would have been inclined just to be cautious in fertile times for a month or two but recognize that the issue is far more likely to be difficulty getting pregnant. (I do have a friend who married around 40 and had a child a few years later, and several women in my family have had babies in their forties, so I definitely know it is possible.)

If you wish, you may PM me with more questions. I try to be careful with what I say online, but you're willing to ask me questions.
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

chachacha

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby chachacha » Sun Apr 27, 2014 3:47 pm

Thanks for the response poetess! Your name was mentioned above, but I was a little shy about contacting you. I'm glad that you contacted me first. Our experiences do sound quite similar, including being careful about how I touch my fiancee.

poetess wrote:
This was no problem at all to us. None. I expected to feel a little shy about being seen naked (I've always been modest), but I wasn't. We had talked about sex a bit, but with discretion, and there had been a few light innuendoes. But we had been careful not to use too much detail (we never told the other if we were getting turned on, for example). ... We married early enough in the day that we would have a good long evening together, and we were slow and romantic. Wine together, etc. No rushing anything, but no hesitations.


This is very encouraging. We are getting married early in the day too for that same reason.


I tried stretching with a different method than a dilator, but we didn't get all the way in on our wedding night. (That wasn't the end of the world for either of us; we still had a lot of sexual fun, and I told him I still considered myself to be not a virgin anymore.) So even 40-something brides can have an issue. See what your doctor says.


Good advice about seeing the doctor. Even if we don't achieve full PIV sex, there are plenty of other things that we can do.

I would make sure he understands that you are different from his first wife and your body may not react the same way. Both of you need to know that he is almost as much a novice as you are. You're learning together!


Good advice. Despite being married he is also somewhat inexperienced; his ex, who he was only married to for a few years, was the first woman he was with. I am the second. I think there will be a lot for both of us to learn.

Yes, you're highly unlikely to get pregnant on your honeymoon, and it would be wise not to use anything long-term or hormonal. As I said, I never had to face that issue, but if I had, I think I would have been inclined just to be cautious in fertile times for a month or two but recognize that the issue is far more likely to be difficulty getting pregnant. (I do have a friend who married around 40 and had a child a few years later, and several women in my family have had babies in their forties, so I definitely know it is possible.)


Thanks for the info. I'll talk with my doctor to get more advice. I'm glad that everyone here has been warning me about hormonal solutions; it will help me to be a bit more cautious when considering birth control options.

If you wish, you may PM me with more questions. I try to be careful with what I say online, but you're willing to ask me questions.


Thank you Poetess, I will. Thanks for the offer! This was extremely helpful!

User avatar
tentsofpurple
King bed
Posts: 697
Joined: Thu Mar 15, 2012 11:11 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 4th, 2004
Gender: Female

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby tentsofpurple » Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:44 am

I don't have much advice for you on any of your points except birth control. I wanted to caution you about hormonal birth control in general but especially the patch. I went on it when I first married my husband and it did awful things to me. My libido and ability to achieve orgasm tanked (unfortunately we didn't wait until marriage to have sex so I had something to compare it to) and it made me moody and miserable. It also made me physically throw up for about 12 hours once a month (when I put a new patch on after the "off" week). I've also heard studies that link it to increased risk of blood clots and stroke. I also tried several different forms of the pill birth control and while they didn't make me throw up I still had no desire for sex and lots of moodiness. I also did some research that indicated that some forms of hormonal birth control prevent pregnancy not only by not allowing an egg to be fertilized but in the even that it does get fertilized they have a secondary function of causing the uterine lining to shed so that the egg can't implant. I was not comfortable with that.

Something to look into. I'd just hate to see someone go through what we did, hormonal birth control and my selfish attitude about sex when I didn't "feel like it" caused a lot of damage to our relationship that we are just now starting to repair.

User avatar
Dgenerous
Under the stars
Posts: 3270
Joined: Tue Jan 31, 2012 10:27 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): February 19th, 2005
Gender: Female

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby Dgenerous » Mon Apr 28, 2014 1:43 pm

It makes me sad to see a first time bride feeling like or being called a late bloomer. You are blooming at exactly the right time. And that's all I really have to contribute. :)
I have found the one whom my soul loves.

chachacha

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby chachacha » Mon Apr 28, 2014 8:43 pm

tentsofpurple and dgenerous, thanks for your responses.

tentofpurple - I've spoken to quite a few women about birth control now, and most of them say something similar about hormonal forms of birth control. I am definitely going to use caution. Thanks for sharing your experience.

dgenerous - thanks a lot for your concern! The term "late-bloomer bride" is one that I've heard used for over-40 brides. I started using it because it was pretty descriptive. From society's perspective when it comes to marriage I am a late bloomer. I'm cool with that. I once attended a talk by chief gardner at the hirshorn sculpture garden at the smithsonian. He talked about how some flowers bloom all year long, some bloom earlier in the year, and some bloom later in the year. His challenge was to have a beautiful and healthy garden all year round. I believe that in my life specifically, this is the way God designed it, to be perennially beautiful as long as I embrace what he has given, when he has given it. So, during my season as a single woman I traveled a whole lot, had/have cool careers, went to grad school, was in both formal ministry and lay ministry, spent lots of time with the Lord, followed my interests, volunteered, and plenty more. During this engagement period, my fiancee and I are helping our pastors to start a Bible Institute (lots of hard work but tons of fun), I'm experiencing what it is to love and be loved, I'm learning lots of new technology, and I am looking at things that I've not worried about before, like housekeeping and cooking. And when I'm married there will be more. I'll have tons of new experiences like being a wife, being a mother, discovering sex, indulging in more traditional feminine pursuits, really building strong friendships and stable ties, as well as furthering ministry and my business. I feel really blessed to be able to accept God's timing for my life and for me not trying to force something to bloom before its time.

User avatar
Job29Man
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Pay no attention to the folks behind the curtain.
Posts: 8486
Joined: Wed Jul 26, 2006 3:52 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): August 2nd, 1980
Gender: Male
Location: Hobby Farm, USA

Laughter of children

Postby Job29Man » Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:11 am

Chachacha,

Congratulations! It is so exciting that your wedding is so close! Your attitude is great.

I won't add to the prior posters' comments except to say... good advice there. My thought along a different line is about fertility. You say you are 40, and that you look forward to becoming a mother. That's wonderful. My wife Sarah has had some of our children into her early 40s, and it went well. We also have numerous friends bearing children into their 40s.

I do want to add a reminder though that fertility is not always as easy as it looks. For women their fertility peaks some time around the 16-24 year old range and then begins to decline. The rate of decline is not uniform across all women, and it is almost impossible to know what it is for you personally except by TTC (Trying To Conceive). It is nice for a lot of folks to have a bit of time to "get to know each other" without having children for a while. When you marry at age 24 and take 5 years to "get to know each other" first and then you TTC you are age 29 and fertility is often still pretty good.



But I'm sure you are mindful that at age 40 fertility has usually declined significantly from age 20, 25, even 30. Your window for keeping the childbearing option open may be much shorter than at an earlier age, especially if you wish to bear 2 or more children. Hormonal BC can throw off a woman's fertility for months or years after discontinuing its use. At age 28 that may be no big deal. At age 41, that could make the difference between conceiving, and not conceiving (ever). Most of our friends in this age group would probably advise that HBC is not worth the risk, not even for a little tiny amount of time, like a few months. (Well, sorry if I just beat a dead horse there! :lol: )

We have discussed with numerous other couples about fertility issues around the age of 40 and found that the consensus is that it is best to TTC sooner, rather than later. Our counsel is that you would do well to TTC within a matter of months, not years. Sarah and I wish you a wonderful marriage, and a house filled with the laughter of happy children!

Love and Blessings Be Upon Your House,

Job and Sarah
(parents to 10 Blessings)
Wanting to become like Job, as described in the Bible, the book of Job chapter 29. Hence the screen name.

User avatar
datepalm
King bed
Posts: 509
Joined: Sat Oct 14, 2006 9:24 am
Date of your marriage (past or future): October 18th, 1980
Gender: Female
Location: cuddlin' with Shy Guy

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby datepalm » Wed Apr 30, 2014 6:35 pm

Hi, Chachacha! I'm Datepalm--an old veteran of TMB boards, even though I don't get to drop by very oftern anymore.

The one thing I have to offer is info on birth control.. Don't be afraid of condoms. They get a bad rap, but used correcly, they are very reliable (>90%). We have been married 30+ years, and I'm a multi-mom (>3 kids). All of our babies were timed when we wanted them, except the first, who was a surprise because nobody told us that petroleum jelly will break down a latex condom. Other than that, condoms for us had a 0% failure rate.

LESSON LEARNED: When using condoms, be sure to use a latex-compatible lube!

Congratulations!
God bless your marriage!
Good luck!
aaaand....
HAVE FUN
What if God's primary intent for your marriage isn't to make you happy...but to make you holy?
--Gary Thomas (Sacred Marriage)

chachacha

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby chachacha » Thu May 01, 2014 6:20 pm

Thanks for the advice! I'm actually a bit past 40 (I'm 42) so I really don't have much time. I talked with my fiancee about condoms and he seems to be ok with it. I'll need to chat with my doctor of course, but that seems like the best way to go initially, then we can think about what we'll do. We don't plan on delaying more than a few months - but we might need to start trying right away. It will take some prayer and a consultation with the doctor though. We are ok with adoption also, so if my time for fertility is gone, all is not lost. I am amazed that my fiance is ok with adoption - it blows me away. (We talked about this a while ago and it still blows me away.) I've always wanted to adopt, from when I was a little girl (odd thoughts for a girl to have, I must admit), so if we go that route, it is ok. I do feel inside though that we will probably have at least one child naturally, but we'll have to see what happens. We'll leave it up to God.

girliegirl511
Queen bed
Posts: 147
Joined: Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:46 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 15th, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby girliegirl511 » Sun May 04, 2014 7:41 pm

1. I was also worried about going from basically a PG rated relationship(PG-13 here and there) to full on sex. However, once the pastor(my Dad) pronounced us husband and wife it was like our physical relationship changed completely! We hid out in a back room after walking back down the aisle, we had the freedom for hands to wander further than before, kisses were long and passionate... :oops: I know every couple is different, but we had no problem transitioning. Of course there were nerves but he made me feel safe.

2. Maybe try a tampon. Make sure it's a plastic applicator, NO cardboard and that it's for a very light absorbency. I've seen some that also say "teen". Because of heavy flow I had to jump right to a super+, which did not hurt going in or out though everyone body is different.

3. Since your DF was previously married, sit down and talk with him. This is where my story applies. I'm 23(next Sunday) and my DH is 45, he was a widower and I virgin in every possible way. He was my first "boyfriend" and my first kiss. I was nervous about several issues pertaining to the MB in our relationship. But after sitting down one weekend, putting aside my nerves and embarrassment we had great conversations on what he finds a "turn on" about me and what I find a "turn" on about him. We delicately talked about his likes and dislikes, what our expectations were ect... During our honeymoon, we had frank conversations where I asked him anything and everything. I'm still learning what he likes, it's a process but one I enjoy :wink: The wedding night I pretty much let him lead, now that I know what he likes I try and lead sometimes.

4. YES!!!!!!! I have 2 teenage step-sons whom I love and love to aggravate. They see me as an authority figure but more of an older sister, and I'm perfectly ok with that!!! We've been able to bond over good nature pranking DH :D Since DH is 45, we want children SOON and I want several. I'm on a very low dose of BC pill. I knew I didn't want a condom on my wedding night. I went on it about 2 months before I got married so my body could adjust. I also don't have a period when on it. I know some may not like this, but period was going to coincide with honeymoon and I was not going to let that happen! We've been married for 5 months, so 7 months total of the pill. I will only stay on BC maybe 2 more months. I'm ready for kids, and have been for years. I also want to adopt, since I was adopted. Lord willing he will provide that blessing.

Feel free to PM me! I sought every person I knew who had married a widower, and it was helpful to have their insight. I still lean on them for support now.

chachacha

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby chachacha » Sat May 24, 2014 11:53 am

Thank you so much girliegirl511! Your account of hiding out for a bit after walking down the aisle really encourages me :) I'm so excited! My dress is here :) And some of the wedding things are starting to arrive, so things are finally happening - yay!!!

I appreciate all of your advice!

chachacha :)

girliegirl511
Queen bed
Posts: 147
Joined: Mon Dec 02, 2013 11:46 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): December 15th, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby girliegirl511 » Sun May 25, 2014 1:54 pm

Definitely take the time to "hide out"! We prayed, laughed, cried(I think I cried out of joy and love for a good 5 minutes), and kissed ;) And make sure people know you're actually hiding! I heard stories of couples being interrupted by family for various reasons. You will never get that kind of moment again, the sacredness of knowing you're married and the build up for the wedding night. So I made sure everyone knew not to bother us. Before pictures and after our time, we had the boys join us and prayed, laughed all over again. I think it meant a lot to them that we include them. I'm sure it will be a gorgeous day! :D

User avatar
alegria_joy
Queen bed
Posts: 162
Joined: Fri May 30, 2014 6:38 pm
Date of your marriage (past or future): September 28th, 2013
Gender: Female

Re: Late-bloomer bride, virgin, and full of questions

Postby alegria_joy » Mon Jun 02, 2014 11:45 am

Hi! A quick two cents to add on to other good stuff you're getting here -

1. I did not find the transition difficult; however, we did engage in French kissing during our 5-month engagement. I have no regrets about this, as we never had problems keeping it from going too far - we were very careful not to let hands wander into dangerous zones, and stopped kissing whenever it got too intense. We lived almost three hours apart and only saw each other on weekends, so our situation was a little different from some as far as daily temptation goes.

2. This is a bit unorthodox, but I had a very smooth, thick glass-walled bud vase that was about the girth of an average penis. I lubricated this and used it on myself a few times to stretch myself a bit so I wouldn't be worried about pain from hymen stretching. (I know glass sounds like a terrible idea; this was thicker-walled than a mason jar so I wasn't afraid of it breaking and injuring me. I know there are other things more...usual...to use for the same purpose.) But also, just getting really comfy with your own fingers as far up in yourself as you can is good preparation. I'd recommend knowing what your cervix feels like, if you don't already. If you can actually push on it with your fingers, and know what that feeling is, it will help if you have issues with penetration depth with your husband. It was good for me to know that that weird uncomfortable feeling was just my cervix saying "hey, back off a little, thanks."

3. It flowed pretty naturally for us (We're 34, both virgins until our wedding 8 mos ago). Best thing I can recommend is explicit communication from the get-go as soon as you're on your honeymoon. To be honest, it was a lot easier for him to learn how to please me than for me to learn how to manage HIM; the first time he tries OS on me, I was in heaven, whereas it took me almost four months to figure out how to perform OS on him in a way that was worth bothering over. But we didn't worry about it and just took our time, and that's helped so far.

4. I'll put in my plug (if you'll pardon the pun) for a diaphragm. We've used both that and condoms, and the diaphragm was MUCH better, once I found a natural spermicide to use instead of the harsh stuff (that dried me out and caused pain.) Condoms are fine, but we had issues with them occasionally falling off when DH would have any small ebb-and-flow in his state of arousal, and that's just not something you want to have to deal with. Some people never have that issue, apparently. But for us, the diaphragm was way more comfortable and way more reliable. (We're not using anything now, as we want to have kids soon, too!)


Return to “What Do I Need to Know About Sex? (Engaged)”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users