Would a schedule work?

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
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TheTigress
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Would a schedule work?

Postby TheTigress » Sat May 31, 2014 9:59 am

A little background. FH and I are moving about an hour away when we get married so that he can attend college classes in person because online isn't working well for him. So that he can work full time and still attend classes he got a job working nights. He started there this past Monday night. Right now he is commuting and as soon as he finds an apartment or place to rent he will move and I will move in after tbe wedding. I'm job hunting but haven't found much yet. Most likely I will end up with a day job and I'm continuing doing classes online.

FH's work schedule is Sunday-Thursday 9:30pm to 5:30 am.

I've been reading a thread about having scheduled times for sex. I'm wondering if this would work well for us. Possibly be the only way to guarantee frequent sex with such different schedules. I like schedules but FH likes to go with the flow in other areas of life. I'm thinking he may not like the idea of scheduled sex but I haven't talked with him yet so I try not to assume.
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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby my_beloveds » Sat May 31, 2014 11:35 am

I think you will need to schedule some "us" time. That time does not have to always involve sex, but certainly can.

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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby TheTigress » Sat May 31, 2014 11:29 pm

That's very true and something I already wanted was to schedule us time. I guess if the need for a schedule arises we can make one.
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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby dlmusic » Sun Jun 01, 2014 7:51 am

Honestly he doesn't have to know either that you are scheduling sex. If you have it on your radar that it would work out in those times if he's interested and get yourself prepared and romantically ready, then he will likely take the lead from there. It depends on his drive but usually if the pieces are in place the guy can be persuaded, especially early in the marriage. I would just start subtle with you saying it would be nice to have some time together. If he doesn't quite catch on then be a bit more blatant. I think some men are worried about it turning mechanical or routine, but scheduling doesn't have to be that way at all. Especially if both of you work on making the encounters unique in certain ways.

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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby TheTigress » Mon Jun 02, 2014 5:46 am

dlmusic wrote:Honestly he doesn't have to know either that you are scheduling sex. If you have it on your radar that it would work out in those times if he's interested and get yourself prepared and romantically ready, then he will likely take the lead from there. It depends on his drive but usually if the pieces are in place the guy can be persuaded, especially early in the marriage. I would just start subtle with you saying it would be nice to have some time together. If he doesn't quite catch on then be a bit more blatant. I think some men are worried about it turning mechanical or routine, but scheduling doesn't have to be that way at all. Especially if both of you work on making the encounters unique in certain ways.



This feels deceptive/manipulative to me. If I want to do a schedule (certain days are when we will have sex) then I want it to be a mutual decision. Something we both agree to not something I'm trying to create all on my own and hoping he responds. Idk.
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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby cbmike » Mon Jun 02, 2014 10:31 am

I'm not sure what good it does to keep him in the dark, and I think it is best to be up front whenever possible. If either of you start to have a problem with things feeling mechanical, then that is something that can be discussed then.
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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby TheTigress » Mon Jun 02, 2014 8:53 pm

cbmike wrote:I'm not sure what good it does to keep him in the dark, and I think it is best to be up front whenever possible. If either of you start to have a problem with things feeling mechanical, then that is something that can be discussed then.


I definitely agree. I'm going to talk to FH about expectations soon and I think I will ask his opinion on scheduling. Not sure when we will have time to talk but hopefully soon.
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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby dlmusic » Wed Jun 04, 2014 8:33 am

Just to clarify, I'm not saying to keep him in the dark in a sneaky way or something, but there are times when it makes sense to take the initiave on your own without having to communicate every detail for your spouse. For example, I might plan on my own that I want to have a nice night at home and take the initiave to set the mood and environment in hopes for a response. Is it manipulative? I suppose one could look at it that way, but the truth of the matter is that anything in relationships are by their nature manipulative since you are interacting with another. I don't think it's negative to take charge in various areas (health, sex, etc). For some people an over communication of, "I'm making sure to keep my schedule clear this evening in hopes of sex" actually would be considered a demand or give pressure. So it can be helpful to work on your own in some instances. Please don't think that any of this is trying to convince you to be less than honest, I just think over sharing can be harmful at times as well.

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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby TheTigress » Sun Jun 15, 2014 9:40 pm

dlmusic wrote:Just to clarify, I'm not saying to keep him in the dark in a sneaky way or something, but there are times when it makes sense to take the initiave on your own without having to communicate every detail for your spouse. For example, I might plan on my own that I want to have a nice night at home and take the initiave to set the mood and environment in hopes for a response. Is it manipulative? I suppose one could look at it that way, but the truth of the matter is that anything in relationships are by their nature manipulative since you are interacting with another. I don't think it's negative to take charge in various areas (health, sex, etc). For some people an over communication of, "I'm making sure to keep my schedule clear this evening in hopes of sex" actually would be considered a demand or give pressure. So it can be helpful to work on your own in some instances. Please don't think that any of this is trying to convince you to be less than honest, I just think over sharing can be harmful at times as well.



I can see what you mean by pressure or demand but that's not really what I was referring to. Some people schedule sex others don't. If we did a schedule it would be agreed upon. That doesn't mean every time we have sex has to be scheduled. At least in my opinion of making a schedule. :) I think making oneself available in hopes of having sex is probably a normal thing to do but I wouldn't call that scheduling.

I did get to have a great conversation with FH over the weekend and got to talk about this and a lot of other worries I have. I feel so much better! We are at the decision starting out without a schedule but FH doesn't mind trying a schedule if our crazy busy lives make having frequent sex difficult. FH didn't like the idea of a schedule at first because in his head scheduled days for sex =days that aren't scheduled mean no. I told him that wasn't the case at all. If we did have scheduled days those would be default yes and the other days are always still open :) after that clarification he was fine with the idea if trying a schedule if we need to.

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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby Ballad » Sun Jun 15, 2014 10:06 pm

dlmusic wrote:the truth of the matter is that anything in relationships are by their nature manipulative since you are interacting with another

I would have to disagree. Manipulation, in its usual negative connotation, does not have to have any place in a marriage where both spouses respect each other's boundaries. Having and expressing desires, using persuasion, sometimes even applying pressure, are not the same thing.

Ditto for other relationships.

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Re: Would a schedule work?

Postby TheTigress » Tue Jun 17, 2014 10:38 pm

Thanks that's kinda what I was thinking! I've seen a lot of manipulation and passive aggressiveness in my parents marriage and I don't want to be like that. Manipulation always has a negative connotation for me as well.
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