So Many Mixed Messages

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
kiwimedic
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So Many Mixed Messages

Postby kiwimedic » Wed Aug 06, 2014 11:32 pm

Hi

Im new to posting to the boards (though I have been aware of it for a while now). Im getting married in just over 2 1/2 months and am so excited! Im looking forward to everything about being married to my FH (who I think is is most awesome man ever and so well suited to me, and I to him that there is no doubt that we are Gods provision for each other).

I am feeling a bit confused about the mixed messages regarding sex on the honeymoon. My FH and I are both very openand honest with each other and talk a lot, including about sex. We are both looking forward to this aspect of married life and we seem to be on the same page and have a health and relatively realistic view of what our honeymoon and beyond will be like. We know that like any activity, sex will take learning and practice, but we expect to thoroughly enjoy the process of learning and practicing lots .

However I feel like I am surrounded by naysayers. Im in my early 30s so most of my friends are already married. And I hear things from married christian friends such as the following: "I just cried and cried on my wedding night because it was painful and we couldnt get things to work". "I was so shocked that afterwards I went into the toilet and threw up" ; "Sex wasnt really high on my list of things I was looking forward to in marriage, but its one of those things you get used to"; "Husbands just want sex all the time regardless of how you feel" etc...
I have heard some positive things but it seems that the negative far outweigh the positive and it leaves me wondering if I am normal in my views. I really want to be intimate with my FH when we are married, right now Id be happy if we were intimate every day, maybe more if thats what he wants, I would rather meet his needs than leave him wanting since Im the only one who can meet them - but the general vibe I get is women arent supposed to have a sex drive that high and turning your husband down is a normal thing.
I really want to enjoy sex on our honeymoon - i'm sure upping the level of intimacy will take some adjustment (we hug but dont kiss so it will be quite a jump) but I love my FH and trust him and am already relaxed around him so I don't see why we shouldn't be able to take things as far as we can (maybe even more than once ;) ) But this doenst seem to be what really happens from what I hear and read. Its seems like the general consensus is that my wedding night is supposed to be painful emotionally and physically for me and that good, pleasurable sex comes way way way down the track (if it comes at all)
Honestly I think what I have been hearing totally stinks and I don't want that. Am I being too idealistic? Is it ok for me, for us, to have expectations of enjoyment and pleasure in each other on our wedding night and beyond. Or are we setting ourselves up for disappointment.

Hope this wasn't too rambling for you all.

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby poetess » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:29 am

Yes, have expectations of enjoyment and pleasure! Don't feel like you're a "failure" if he doesn't get all the way in--that happens sometimes--but even in that case, you can both still enjoy the sexual touching and one or both of you experience orgasms.

In other words, don't have expectations that "it will work this specific way," but do go in expecting to begin to get to know each other's bodies and give each other pleasure. Ideally you won't be getting started too late at night, and you'll have some hours to explore.

Here's one person who has excellent memories of that wedding night (even though the sex wasn't "perfect").
Marriage--what a wonderful image of Christ's love for His bride!

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby KyWildcat » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:40 am

I like what you had to say about your attitude regarding sex and your FH.

I don't like this:

kiwimedic wrote:I have heard some positive things but it seems that the negative far outweigh the positive and it leaves me wondering if I am normal in my views. I really want to be intimate with my FH when we are married, right now Id be happy if we were intimate every day, maybe more if thats what he wants, I would rather meet his needs than leave him wanting since Im the only one who can meet them - but the general vibe I get is women arent supposed to have a sex drive that high and turning your husband down is a normal thing.

Drive is relative to your spouse. Who knows, you may end up being the higher drive (HrD) spouse in your marriage, you may not. Polls and studies that I've seen suggest that between 25%-33% of marriages it is the wife with the HrD. I personally think that those numbers are low based on the fact that it is "supposed to be" the man that has the HrD and admitting otherwise is difficult.

Now, about "turning your husband down is a normal thing." The normal state in this fallen world is sinfulness usually expressing itself through selfishness. Your current attitude toward your marriage bed and your husband do not show a selfish heart but a wise one. The negative things you've shared show the sinful and selfish hearts of others. I can guarantee you that their spouses are not completely happy in the marriage with these sinful attitudes toward their marriage bed and their spouse.
Marriage will show your immaturity and selfishness faster than anything on earth. You either grow up or grow apart. It's your choice.

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby txtwindad » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:44 am

The chances you will have trouble with penetration are pretty low, but is possible. Just have a good attitude and be ready to please each other in alternate ways. There is NO reason to be worried about having the terrible experience your friends describe unless you create it with your fear. I'd stop getting advice from those friends. Listening to people like that is damaging.
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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby sd595 » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:45 am

First congrats!

kiwimedic wrote:I would rather meet his needs than leave him wanting since Im the only one who can meet them


This is a healthy attitude! One you will bless your future husband with!

kiwimedic wrote: - but the general vibe I get is women arent supposed to have a sex drive that high and turning your husband down is a normal thing.


Don't let others on the wrong path bring you down. The truth is there is a great deal of dysfunction (and mistruth) in others' marriages and a great number of people use sex as a manipulation with each other instead of the gift God intends it to be. Turning a wife or husband down is not a normal thing, it is a sinful thing and it crushes ones spouse in a very painful, hurtful way.

There will be times where one or the other of you has a need and the other may not feel like it, these are not the times to see yourselves as separate, but as a couple together with a need.
Get out your bible and see what He says. Pray to Him right now and ask Him for His wisdom in the matter. He will not fail you if you put your faith and trust in Him.

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby jokerman » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:57 am

For what its worth, my wife and I were virgins on our wedding night, and intercourse was pain-free. It isn't universal that the first time is some horrible experience.

I do think there is a tendency by people to attempt to forge a bond by telling stories of suffering. Military veterans will tell of the horrors of boot camp, football players laugh about the rigors of summer practice, mothers love telling about their 18-hour labor or whatever. And if you are facing boot camp, summer practice, or your first child, these stories are probably the last thing you need.

I'm not the only one who has fond memories of having very nice sex on the honeymoon. Don't let people's cynicism or pessimism get you down.

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby Job29Man » Thu Aug 07, 2014 6:16 am

You are listening to the wrong people. Read all the good stories on TMB with good advice about honeymoons.
IMHO leave yourself a good two weeks for honeymoon. Let us know what you think after you read the good stuff on TMB! :D

BTW, your attitude is excellent! Good for you. Don't listen to naysayers.
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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby sue244 » Thu Aug 07, 2014 7:48 am

Congrats on getting married. I'm still a newly wed myself so the honeymoon is not that far away for me to remember. My husband and I were the same way as you guys, hugging yes, but nothing beyond that with our first kiss being at the alter. And I will tell you that I have very fond memories of our wedding night. Did everything go perfectly and all work together like it should, no. But I'm happy that way because it is a learning curve and what makes it so exciting to me is that I'm learning with my husband. I'm sorry that your friends are so down on sex. I thankfully had some good friends that told me how wonderful it is. Yes I did have a few people that were down on it but overall the message I listened to was how wonderful sex with you husband can be. Focus on that message. And I think you have the right attitude. I wend into marriage with the mindset that I would not tell my husband no and we both are very happy with that result. We are probably an unusual bread here on TMB but I would say our drives are about the same.

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby hands » Thu Aug 07, 2014 4:46 pm

Definitely ignore all your friends who put sex in such a negative light. Even if it seems like the "normal" attitude among your friends it is definitely not the correct one.
I love having sex with my husband. I'm proud of the fact that my I willingly give to my husband what so many other women give begrudgingly or only with certain stipulations.
Recently sex came up in very lighthearted conversation with some friends, my hubby mentioned that I wear him out. The other husbands in the group were telling him how lucky he is. It felt good to know that my husband was the "lucky one" in that situation. (I don't really care for using the word luck, since luck has nothing to do with it, but that's the wording used)
Anyway, I encourage you to keep your positive attitude about your upcoming marriage and sex with your future hubby. Perhaps you can shine some light into your friends marriages and encourage them to view sex in a more positive light.
As for the honeymoon I think the most important thing you can do is not stress. I had very minimal pain our first time, and things worked exactly the way they should. It was a wonderful experience and it gets better everyday. :P

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby alegria_joy » Thu Aug 07, 2014 5:59 pm

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! And I'm high-fiving you for coming around here to get some input about what to expect.

It's a tricky thing to discuss, because people have so many different combinations of expectations and experience. My best friend married in her early twenties, expected honeymoon sex to be romantic, ravenous, and toe-curling, partially because nobody had told her how to prepare and what range of challenges to be alert for - and she and her husband had a really damaging experience because they had very painful difficulty with intercourse that set them up for years of messed up expectations and bad communication.

I, on the other hand, married in my early thirties (just last year! We're almost to our first anniversary), expected honeymoon sex to be fun and loving even if bumbling and perhaps not super fulfilling, checked with a doctor and did some stretches of my vaginal opening, listened to a wide variety of stories of how other women's honeymoons went and discussed honeymoon expectations with my fiance - and our honeymoon was not only pain-free, but it WAS toe-curling for both of us on the very first night. Twice on the first night, in fact. :D

Now, I don't think that my experience was solely due to my preparation. The doctor I saw, a month before my wedding, did tell me that I have a "fantastic pelvis" and shouldn't expect any difficulties with intercourse, and she was right. My friend's plumbing is a little more complicated than mine, though she didn't know it at the time. But I do think a big factor of difference between my honeymoon experience and my friend's honeymoon experience is that I had heard enough stories to know that I needed to hold my expectations loosely and go into it with a hearty sense of humor.

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby ledgemoor » Thu Aug 07, 2014 6:13 pm

Congratulations!

Really, sex is fantastic, and underrated if anything! The first time won't be your best, but it will be great. A very meaningful and memorable time, and does not need to be painful, and in fact is very pleasurable in most cases, even at first.

Read Sheet Music by Kevin Leman. I don't agree with everything in it, but if nothing else it will give you the accepted Christian view of sexuality, and you will see that it is quite different than that of your friends.

For sure, go to a gyn for a pelvic exam before the wedding. I can't believe the number of people these days who get married and don't do that. You will PROBABLY be Ok -- most people are -- but why take chances? Go several months before the wedding just in case there is an issue. Be sure to tell the doctor you are a virgin. Don't forget to discuss birth control. Take fiancée along. I went with mine. I waited in the waiting room during the exam, but had a discussion with the doctor and wife-to-be afterwards.
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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby IWKT » Thu Aug 07, 2014 6:28 pm

My husband and I married 26 years ago when I was 20 and he was 19. I never did any stretching or anything else to prepare (I had been MB since the age of 10 or 11) and we had a great first time. I wanted sex several times a day back then. Now I'd love to do it once or twice a day, but my DH is good with 3-5 times per week. I am and have always been the higher drive. There's nothing abnormal about you. I choose not to hang out with women who have those kinds of attitudes. That's probably why I don't really have any "girlfriends".

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby Leah » Thu Aug 07, 2014 6:39 pm

Welcome to the boards and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I liken it to the baby showers where everyone tells their labor and delivery horror stories. Or when a teenager has a wreck and everyone tells him about their first wreck.

Ignore the negativity. There might be a place to say, "You know what? I would really rather figure this out with my husband. Did you have lots of zucchini in your garden this year?"
Leah

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby platypusofdeath » Thu Aug 07, 2014 7:45 pm

Kiwi, it sounds like you have a great attitude toward sex. As for having a positive or negative experience, don't listen to other people's stories. Just do what feels right for you! If you haven't even kissed yet, keep in mind that there's no reason you have to have PIV sex the first night. You have a lot of ground to cover and a lifetime to cover it. You might even want to just have some good old fashioned naked kissing and cuddling the first night and work up to other stuff. :wink: Only you two will know what pace is best.

First time sex doesn't necessarily hurt. If you still have a hymen, you could ask your gyro to break it. You have enough time before the wedding for it to heal without continually being irritated. I apparently lost mine when I got my first Pap smear, and you know what? First time sex didn't hurt at all! That was a fantastic surprise and I'd recommend it to anyone. Removes a lot of hassle later on. You may still want him to go slow and shallow, though.

It is hard to know what your drives will be like until you start doing it. You might want to have another talk about drive/frequency a few months in so everyone is on the same page. As a former refuser, I would encourage you to not fall into the trap that says women are supposed to say no and men just want it all the time without regard to what you want. I know from experience that that leads down a dark, dark road. When your husband loves you, his desire for you is not just physical but a way to express love and connect with you. If you do end up having different drives, keep an open dialogue and don't let resentment build. Finally, if the almighty O is elusive, don't give up!! That dramatically changed my drive.
"Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on." -Led Zeppelin

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby kiwimedic » Sun Aug 10, 2014 2:52 am

Thanks so much everyone for your encouragement and helpful advice. I wish christian culture was more open about sexuality and sex in marriage. We have a secular culture around us that constantly feeds us untruths and sets unrealistic expectations about sex, but there are few godly voices countering this with good biblical truth. Im glad I have found some here. And Im also glad Ive also found a close friend who is married and has very good healthy biblical views about sex which is very refreshing and encouraging.

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby 4ever » Mon Aug 11, 2014 10:08 am

kiwimedic wrote:Hi
I am feeling a bit confused about the mixed messages regarding sex on the honeymoon. My FH and I are both very open and honest with each other and talk a lot, including about sex. We are both looking forward to this aspect of married life and we seem to be on the same page and have a health and relatively realistic view of what our honeymoon and beyond will be like. We know that like any activity, sex will take learning and practice, but we expect to thoroughly enjoy the process of learning and practicing lots.


It sounds like you've got the right attitude. Don't put too much pressure on yourselves. Just enjoy it for what it is the first day of a hopefully long journey.

I bet if you surveyed most MB members they would NOT say that their honeymoon was the best sex in their marriage. For many, the longer you've been married, the more you know about each other, the better it will be. (For those MBers that are in relationships with sexual issues, my prayer is that they will improve.)

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby padsnd » Mon Aug 11, 2014 11:13 am

Congrats!

Are you normal? Perhaps not. That isn't a bad thing though. Normal fallen humanity is completely opposite of God's design. That is why the world teaches us that sex outside marriage is a good thing and inside marriage it is bad. Sadly, the church buys into at least the latter part of that too.

Understand that whether or not your friends are Christian is not the deciding factor on whether they speak truth. The negative speakers seem to be the most vocal in many cases too.

Some women experience pain. Some men experience pain. In most cases, additional lubricant and arousal alleviates most pain.




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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby Nova » Sun Aug 24, 2014 3:46 pm

EDIT: Didn't mean to post at all. Oops.
Last edited by Nova on Fri Aug 29, 2014 1:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
Please don't think I'm being aggressive just because I use strong language. If I'm posting on your thread, it's because I care.

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby jagd » Mon Aug 25, 2014 4:35 pm

Congratulations to you and your FH.

I'm a newlywed (got married in April this year) and must say we were fine on our wedding night. Just be really relaxed about it and just allow things to happen naturally.

I was a little nervous as I was a virgin but took a lot of advice from the TMB and didn't put too much pressure on myself or my DW (and she was VERY apprehensive), but we were able to explore the new part of our relationship with ease.

Keep reading here and you'll be fine - you'll love it!

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Re: So Many Mixed Messages

Postby TheYellowLab » Sat Aug 30, 2014 7:44 pm

Can't go into much detail from my phone keyboard, but just adding that my wife did have quite a bit of pain the first couple times, but even that doesn't have to mean it will be a negative experience. We worked through it, went slow, talked and explored a lot, and eventually things got more comfortable for her. It's a great time to build trust and communication skills regardless of the details of exactly how good it feels the first time.

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