Bride to be

What's supposed to happen on the wedding night? Will it hurt? What if I'm not a virgin? ...
purple10
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Bride to be

Postby purple10 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 10:47 am

I'm getting married in a few weeks and I have a ton of emotions running through me. I'm excited for the wedding and looking forward to see how everything came together. I'm also worried, nervous, and scared about sex. My fiancée and I are both virgins. I joke that I'm a native virgin since my parents didn't really talk to me about sex. This forum has really good advice. I am curious about a few things..

How do you get turned on for sex? Like do I just start kissing my soon to be husband then what?

I know the vagina stretches and is an amazing organ. But I never used a tampon are put anything other then my finger a few times inside my vagina. I'm really scared that I might freak out about the size of a penis since I never saw one before. Will it hurt the first time he enters me? What if he can't get it in?

How do you get comfortable being naked in front of someone? I not ashamed of my body but it would feel weird to me to be naked in front of my soon to be husband. I think I would stop him from undressing me or cover up my body with a sheet to prevent him from seeing me naked.

I've heard some women are very sore after their first few times. Is this something to be concerned about?

How long will it last? I've read some virgin couples can have sex for a few hours others a few minutes.

Thanks.

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Re: Bride to be

Postby jokerman » Wed Dec 03, 2014 11:24 am

Have you never felt "turned on" via contact with your fiancé, like through holding hands or kissing or hugging?

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Re: Bride to be

Postby purple10 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 1:33 pm

jokerman wrote:Have you never felt "turned on" via contact with your fiancé, like through holding hands or kissing or hugging?


We don't touch too much. We're saving that for after marriage. When we do kiss it's a quick peck or sometimes on the cheek.

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Re: Bride to be

Postby txtwindad » Wed Dec 03, 2014 1:47 pm

If you've never felt "turned on" by your fiancee, why are you getting married? Marriage is primarily a sexual relationship. That is what it is for and centers on. Concerns about this aspect of your relationship are normal. But, it sounds like you really haven't been planning for a sexual relationship at all. What books have you read on the subject of sex within marriage?
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Re: Bride to be

Postby InGodsGrace » Wed Dec 03, 2014 2:20 pm

How old are you and your fiancé?

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Re: Bride to be

Postby TheTigress » Wed Dec 03, 2014 3:05 pm

First off congrats on the engagement and soon to be marriage :) Please don't take any questions asked of you defensively everyone is here to help and sometimes that can come across as rude (at least it did to me at first) So don't be discouraged and try to answer the questions as thouroughly as possibly this way you can get the best advice possible since we don't know you IRL.

A fellow member asked if you get 'turned on' by your FH and you responded
purple10 wrote:We don't touch too much. We're saving that for after marriage. When we do kiss it's a quick peck or sometimes on the cheek.


You don't have to touch to be 'turned on' /attracted to / want to touch. Are you physically attracted to your FH on any level? Do you desire to touch him (hold hands, hug, caress his arm etc) do you desire for him to touch you? I'm not talking about right now or in an inappropriate context but the desire itself should be there. It's normal and natural and needed. Assuming you do have a level of attraction and desire is how I will answer your question. If your answer is no you don't have any physical attraction or desire then my advice will change.

Once you are married you get to touch and explore and kiss and have sex! You need to be aroused for him to enter you and I believe thats what you are asking about. How do you get aroused? Sometimes I'm aroused just at the sight of my husband and we proceed from there with kissing, caressing, licking, biting etc. I would give yourselves permission to explore. My DH and I went into our wedding night with permission to explore. We had already agreed no body part was off limits. I got to explore him and he got to explore me. We went about it quite slowly our first night. :) Different parts of your body will respond at different states of arousal. So to start of you may need kissing to get going and then after you are aroused some other parts of your body will respond to touch and bring more arousal. Everyone is unique and you will both need to learn together what are turn-ons and what are turn-offs.

So while we had permission to explore we also had the responsibility to communicate. "That feels good" "That's not helping maybe try xyz again and come back to that" "That doesn't feel good at all"
I know the vagina stretches and is an amazing organ. But I never used a tampon are put anything other then my finger a few times inside my vagina. I'm really scared that I might freak out about the size of a penis since I never saw one before. Will it hurt the first time he enters me? What if he can't get it in?

I had never used tampons before either. I still don't haha. I was also afraid of penis size so I asked him what his size was 2 weeks before our wedding night so I could prepare myself mentally. I was prepared for his penis size but was quite surprised and unprepared for the size of his testicles they looked quite large to me lol. I got over this quickly. DH had already measured himself recently for purchasing condoms so I got a pretty quick reply. I asked via text because I was uncomfortable asking him out loud. I was quite shy about the whole sex thing. So to help with the freak out aspect just ask. Then you can mentally prepare for his size and not be left to wonder. I asked him for a comparison but DH felt more confident in just giving me the numbers I figured out my own comparison based on that.

Also the more aroused you are the easier it will be for him to enter. So relax take it slow and just explore and follow the feelings. Use lube even if you think your body has created enough on its own. Which it will if you are relaxed and aroused. Your vagina will expand during arousal (that's why it's important!!!) and it will lubricate itself. If you are scared and tense you will not produce as much lubrication. I would advise using lube at first until you are confidant that your body has enough on its own. :)

For me it didn't really hurt. It felt tense and a little sore but it wasn't super painful. I wouldn't describe it as painful at all. We had also spent plenty of time in foreplay and I had already had an O so I was super relaxed. Oh and he tried a few fingers before entering with his penis at my request. I was quite nervous about possible pain, for the same reasons as you (No tampons, nothing put up there except for painful OBGYN visits)

How do you get comfortable being naked in front of someone? I not ashamed of my body but it would feel weird to me to be naked in front of my soon to be husband. I think I would stop him from undressing me or cover up my body with a sheet to prevent him from seeing me naked.


I worked on this a lot ahead of time. I had several conversations with my DH about my fears. Unlike you I do have body image issues. I'm overweight and I was afraid I would be unattractive to my DH naked. Nothing to worry about there. He finds me quite attractive. I practiced being comfortable being naked by myself. Lounging a bit in my room after a shower. Sleeping naked. etc. If I wasn't comfortable being naked by myself how could I be with him? I also made a few rules ahead of time for myself and communicated these boundaries to my DH. I would not hide my body from my DH, I would not have sex in the dark unless it just happened that way (Middle of the night sex, early morning sex etc) and I would believe DH when he complemented my body/verbally appreciated my body. I was a lot more comfortable being naked with DH than I anticipated :)

I've heard some women are very sore after their first few times. Is this something to be concerned about? How long will it last?

I was a little sore but nothing to stop us from going again, and again, and again. Haha. Some are more sore than others so just communicate with your DH, but for the most part if you prepare well beforehand and take it slow you shouldn't be too sore afterward. If you do encounter intense pain that doesn't go away this would be reason to see a doctor. Also a pre-marital trip to the OBGYN will let you know if your hymen is still intact and if you will have any difficulty with intercourse. For us we were able to have intercourse the first time for several minutes and we had several encores. From what I understand our experience in this part isn't typical.
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Re: Bride to be

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:03 pm

If you have time to get a copy, I'd recommend Intended For Pleasure by Dr Ed Wheat. It's a Christian marriage classic. Also highly recommended at Amazon.com is A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds by Douglas Rosenau.

Do you have a Kindle or something like it? That's a quick way to get one tonight!

I would not really recommend going into your wedding night having no clue as to what to expect. It's wonderful that you've stayed virgins, but I really think you might be happier in the long run having some premarital sex instruction.

Wishing you all the best on your upcoming marriage :D
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Re: Bride to be

Postby purple10 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:10 pm

txtwindad wrote:If you've never felt "turned on" by your fiancee, why are you getting married? Marriage is primarily a sexual relationship. That is what it is for and centers on. Concerns about this aspect of your relationship are normal. But, it sounds like you really haven't been planning for a sexual relationship at all. What books have you read on the subject of sex within marriage?


My fiancé and I think it's important to save that desire until our wedding night. I do have desires for him of course. I'm excited and happy to finally come together as one flesh as god intended. But from the beginning of our relationship we set rules and boundaries to prevent us from taking things too far. I did read articles and books. I've read The Honeymoon of Your Dreams and A Celebration of Sex for Newlyweds. I'm trying to prepare but I guess I'm a little nervous and anxious. I just wouldn't know how to start off, I want to make sure I don't ruin our first special moment together.

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Re: Bride to be

Postby Nvr2Late » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:17 pm

In that case, I think if you can *try* to stay unstressed, get as much rest as you can before the wedding day (ha ha, right??), then when the honeymoon begins, relax, let nature take it's course, and remember to keep your sense of humor above all, you will do fine!

A lot of changes are going to be taking place that night, mental and physical. Remember it is the first step in a lifelong journey and most of all, don't let high expectations ruin the reality for you :D I pray God will bless you both for your self control and honoring Him.
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Re: Bride to be

Postby padsnd » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:20 pm

Perhaps there is a bit of disconnect with the terminology. Feeling "turned on" is not something one can completely avoid. If one is physically attracted to another person, their body will naturally respond in some way. Yes, you can avoid entertaining that response, but the body still has a reaction. That is what the other posters are taking about.


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Re: Bride to be

Postby purple10 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:26 pm

Thank You, Nvr2Late! And I have the book a celebration of sex. It's really good. I just didn't finish reading yet. I grew up in a really strict Christian home. Which is why I joked I'm a native virgin. I do know about some things not all. I'm trying to educate myself enough before the wedding day comes. Maybe I'll relax more and not get all freaked out about all of this.

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Re: Bride to be

Postby TheTigress » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:29 pm

Try not to stress about it too much. I forgot to mention my dh and I were also both virgins on our wedding night :)

I agree with Nvr2late about expectations. If you have unrealistic expectations then you may feel you have ruined your moment. OTOH if you go in realizing this is your first step as NVr2late said and you are going to be growing and learning together then however your first time turns out it won't be ruined.

You may not have an O the first time, he may not have an O the first time. He might lose his erection because you are trying to figure out how to get lined up. you may feel clumsy or akward because you have to talk out logistics so much "a little lower, no a little higher" "this position hurts my back" "can you move your arm to ___" "Your leg is pinching my side"

It's all new and you get to learn it together! Its okay for it to be clumsy and awkward and for neither of you to know exactly what is supposed to happen (reading books like you have and coming here are great preparations but there's no way to know everything"
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Re: Bride to be

Postby purple10 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:30 pm

Nvr2Late wrote:In that case, I think if you can *try* to stay unstressed, get as much rest as you can before the wedding day (ha ha, right??), then when the honeymoon begins, relax, let nature take it's course, and remember to keep your sense of humor above all, you will do fine!

A lot of changes are going to be taking place that night, mental and physical. Remember it is the first step in a lifelong journey and most of all, don't let high expectations ruin the reality for you :D I pray God will bless you both for your self control and honoring Him.


Thank you! I guess I'm expecting everything to be perfect. I don't want to make a mistake or ruin our first experience together due to my lack of knowledge.

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Re: Bride to be

Postby SeekingChange » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:37 pm

Choose to give your nakedness to your husband as a gift. There is no shame, so fight the desire to hide as if there is, that's from the enemy. A lesson I have learned is that many times, when physically covering ourselves, those "covers" can represent the feelings of shame, unworthiness and pride we carry around. Don't start your marriage that way, be truly naked, body, soul, and spirit.
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Re: Bride to be

Postby purple10 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:38 pm

InGodsGrace wrote:How old are you and your fiancé?


We're both in our early thirties. I'm almost 31. He's 33.

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Re: Bride to be

Postby purple10 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:43 pm

Thank you so much for all the advice, Beauty4Ashes10 :)

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Re: Bride to be

Postby sd595 » Wed Dec 03, 2014 6:48 pm

Congrats on your upcoming wedding!

How long have you been engaged? I'm going to ask a question - is it difficult to keep your hands off of each other? I would be more concerned about him being able to easily keep his hands off of you, than vice versa. Men are driven biologically to need release - do you know how your FH is handing this drive right now? When you talk about sex in marriage, is he all gung ho about it, excited, can't wait, thrilled, etc., what is his attitude or demeanor about it?
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Re: Bride to be

Postby God's Geek » Wed Dec 03, 2014 7:01 pm

I would recommend another book. "Sheet Music" by Dr. Kevin Lehman. He is a christian counselor. The book has separate sections for each of you to read BEFORE the wedding, and then the two of you can explore the rest of the book AFTER the wedding.

It does address things very stereotypically, and you may have to "adjust" what he says to match your personal dynamics.

I would also tell you to relax about using the word "virginity." What you have maintained to this point is "purity" before God, and that is less of a physical condition and more of a heart attitude. After you are married and start engaging in sex, you both will still remain pure in Gods eyes. The time for virginity is over the moment you say "I Do," and I hope you see this as an opportunity to present your FH (future husband) with a very special "once in a lifetime" gift, but not as something you are "losing."

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Re: Bride to be

Postby txtwindad » Thu Dec 04, 2014 8:17 am

purple10 wrote: from the beginning of our relationship we set rules and boundaries to prevent us from taking things too far.


Rules and boundaries are great. But... that desire should be there. As another poster mentioned, we probably are meaning different things by "turned on". But do you not melt when you see your finance walk into a room? That weak in the knees feeling is being turned on, at least the early stages of it. I don't see how you can possibly save the desire until after marriage. Boundaries to control it, yes. Controlling your actions, yes. But that basic desire to be sexual with him, should be pretty over whelming. If it's not, you guys might want to discuss that.

Anyway, try reading "Good Girls Guide to Great Sex". I suspect you will find it is written with you in mind. You might want to check into some other books on the reading list for TMB.
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Re: Bride to be

Postby Job29Man » Thu Dec 04, 2014 9:10 am

Welcome Purple,

Glad you are here. There's also a LOT of good information presented by reading around here in the engaged section. Take as much time as you can now to read the books suggested and to read on TMB.

Couples have been getting through this wonderful time of discovery for thousands of years and it works out well. Part of it is simply built-in to us, like the instincts which make us afraid of falling, or make us want to respond to a crying baby. Getting turned on just happens naturally if you stay loose and upbeat and eager.

There is no rule anywhere that says you absolutely must accomplish any one thing within so many hours of your wedding. Go on your honeymoon, and take as much time as you both agree you want to take. Don't make rigid plans about it, but "go with the flow." It might take you a few days to "go all the way" or you may find that you both want to get right down to it and have full on sex within minutes of entering your hotel room. It's all up to you. :D
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